Just learned from a friend that our nanny's mother died - two months ago!

[Anonymous]

We have a wonderful nanny. She is an older woman (58) who is educated and elegant. I've written about her before - she was a preschool teacher for years before becoming a nanny - and loves being a nanny. Our DS adores her. She doesn't talk about her personal life much but will answer any question we ask her easily and without acting as if we are prying. She just keeps her own life pretty much away from her work life.

Anyway, I just found out from a friend that our nanny's mother died two months ago and our nanny never said a word, acted differently, or missed a day of work (she is off on weekends and Mondays so I guess the funeral didn't need time off). She never comes to work in a bad mood or a "down" mood and never acted any differently two months ago than she usually does.

What do I say to her tomorrow? Of course I am going to tell her how sorry we are but should I ask why she never mentioned it to us? I feel terrible.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should say anything.

There is a reason she chose not to share that with you, OP.

You don't understand the ins and outs of her personal relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should say anything.

There is a reason she chose not to share that with you, OP.

You don't understand the ins and outs of her personal relationships

You don't even think I should give my condolences?

[Anonymous]

MB here. I'd be astonished at this (and quite honestly, I'm jealous! I wish our nanny had half the discretion of yours!)

I can't see how it could possibly be wrong to express your condolences. Obviously she didn't want to discuss it with you, so you can fully respect that and not pry, while still saying "I just heard that your mom died in October and wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss."

Then leave it at that unless she indicates in some way that she'd talk further. I wouldn't ask her why she didn't tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB here. I'd be astonished at this (and quite honestly, I'm jealous! I wish our nanny had half the discretion of yours!)

I can't see how it could possibly be wrong to express your condolences. Obviously she didn't want to discuss it with you, so you can fully respect that and not pry, while still saying "I just heard that your mom died in October and wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss."

Then leave it at that unless she indicates in some way that she'd talk further. I wouldn't ask her why she didn't tell you.

+ 1. And I am jealous as well - our nanny can't shut up about her personal life. But I would definitely give condolences but ask no questions.

You described her as "elegant" and perhaps she was too emotional to mention it to you without breaking down. I would respect that.

[Anonymous]

You are so lucky, OP - she sounds like an amazing nanny. To not even be in a sad mood? Amazing. This is a "professional nanny".

I echo the other two MB's - say you are sorry but ask no questions whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's not aware she died.
Maybe she is and does not care.
Maybe her mother was a horrible woman that abused your nanny

She didn't tell you for a reason... But you just go on ahead and pry because your feelings are what matter here just ignore your nanny's cues...

[Anonymous]

No one really cares about your condolences, just for future reference.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say a thing. She is professional with you by not mentioning her private life, you should leave her alone with it.

[Anonymous]

I am definitely a nanny who is more "part of the family," but I think you should respect the fact that she is obviously not comfortable talking about this at work. Maybe she had a difficult relationship with her mother, maybe her mother was ill for a long time and her death was a relief, maybe she just enjoys having one place (work) that she doesn't have tothink or talk about her grief. At any rate, I think you should just keep it to yourself and be glad you have such a great nanny. Respect is the best gift you can give her right now.

[Anonymous]

Jesus some of you are terrible! "I'm jeolous that your nanny is so awesome she didn't burden you by displaying her sadness at the death of her mother or making you pretend you give a shit!" Disgusting. There is being professional and there is being a robot. Your nanny being evidently sad or not in the best of moods 100% of the time is not a fault, you evil bitches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus some of you are terrible! "I'm jeolous that your nanny is so awesome she didn't burden you by displaying her sadness at the death of her mother or making you pretend you give a shit!" Disgusting. There is being professional and there is being a robot. Your nanny being evidently sad or not in the best of moods 100% of the time is not a fault, you evil bitches.

Our nanny is by no means a robot. She is warm and very loving. She wants to keep her private life private and I do respect that and am grateful that she is not moody at all when she comes to work. Yes, I would say she is a professional. Not that showing emotions for family situations is evil but always being prepared to work at 100% is commendable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MB here. I'd be astonished at this (and quite honestly, I'm jealous! I wish our nanny had half the discretion of yours!)

I can't see how it could possibly be wrong to express your condolences. Obviously she didn't want to discuss it with you, so you can fully respect that and not pry, while still saying "I just heard that your mom died in October and wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss."

Then leave it at that unless she indicates in some way that she'd talk further. I wouldn't ask her why she didn't tell you.

+ 1. And I am jealous as well - our nanny can't shut up about her personal life. But I would definitely give condolences but ask no questions.

You described her as "elegant" and perhaps she was too emotional to mention it to you without breaking down. I would respect that.

Add me to this list of jealous MBs.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. I think I would say 'I just heard that your mother died, I am so sorry for your loss' and leave it at that - maybe right before she leaves for the day so that she is not on the spot if she feels too emotional. Or maybe even text her so she has the privacy to react the way she needs to react? And then never mention it again unless she indicates she'd like to talk about it.

And it's not about you that she didn't tell you, it's about her. Don't take it personally. A very very close friend of mine lost her mother a year ago and though we share practically everything she just wasn't ready to talk about it until a few months after, and even now she can't talk about her mother without getting upset . Don't ask her why she didn't tell you - there's a myriad of reasons and most likely they're not about you but about her.

You seem caring and considerate and I'm sure your nanny appreciates it, just keep that up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus some of you are terrible! "I'm jeolous that your nanny is so awesome she didn't burden you by displaying her sadness at the death of her mother or making you pretend you give a shit!" Disgusting. There is being professional and there is being a robot. Your nanny being evidently sad or not in the best of moods 100% of the time is not a fault, you evil bitches.

You must be very young, PP. When my Dad died I never told anyone at my firm and never showed any sadness at work although I was devastated. Yes, I was being professional and so is this nanny. It may not be something that could do but we are not robots.