Just learned from a friend that our nanny's mother died - two months ago!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's not aware she died.
Maybe she is and does not care.
Maybe her mother was a horrible woman that abused your nanny

She didn't tell you for a reason... But you just go on ahead and pry because your feelings are what matter here just ignore your nanny's cues...

OP here. Yes, our nanny is aware that her mother died and she was very close to her mother. Her mother was, from all accounts, a good woman. I understand that she didn't tell me for a reason. I have no intention of "prying" now or ever with her.

[Anonymous]

OP here again and thank you for the advice. I think I have to express my condolences to our nanny as she could find out that this friend told me of her mother's passing. But you are right - I absolutely should not ask her why she didn't tell me.

And thank you for the advice about expressing my condolences at the end of the day and not putting her on the spot.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I have not spoken to my mother in over half a year. I already mourned her and the relationship I wish we had, although she is still alive. I could very well see myself not mentioning her death to anyone at work.

OP, I don't think you should say anything. Not everyone can be close to their mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, I have not spoken to my mother in over half a year. I already mourned her and the relationship I wish we had, although she is still alive. I could very well see myself not mentioning her death to anyone at work.

OP, I don't think you should say anything. Not everyone can be close to their mothers.

She's already been told this but she wants to let her nanny know that she knows for her own reasons.

Whatever at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's not aware she died.
Maybe she is and does not care.
Maybe her mother was a horrible woman that abused your nanny

She didn't tell you for a reason... But you just go on ahead and pry because your feelings are what matter here just ignore your nanny's cues...

OP here. Yes, our nanny is aware that her mother died and she was very close to her mother. Her mother was, from all accounts, a good woman. I understand that she didn't tell me for a reason. I have no intention of "prying" now or ever with her.

I'm glad you don't plan on prying.

All Ican say is apperances aren't always what they seem.

On the outsie the family I grew up with was perfect and loving and we were so close.

The reality was far from that.

In fact I originally became a nanny to get out of my family situation.

A couple of years ago I lost a relative that most people expect you to be devastated over.

I have not and still not mentioned it to my employers.

I have run into people who heard though the grapevine that this person passed.

All of them expressing their condolences and how awful it must be for me to have lost this wonderful person.

Not so much. I'd rather they didn't say anything, but I get unless you've lived it you don't understand it.

[Anonymous]

she may not have mentioned it or taken time off for fear of losing her job. time and again on theses forums we see complaints about nannies needing time of for personal reasons maybe that's why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she may not have mentioned it or taken time off for fear of losing her job. time and again on theses forums we see complaints about nannies needing time of for personal reasons maybe that's why.

The Nanny is a former preschool teacher with a MB who thinks she is wonderful - doesn't sound like a nanny who is afraid of losing her job. And if she did she would get another in a heartbeat.

Nanny's mother's funeral was probably on a Saturday or Monday and she just didn't need time off to attend.

[Anonymous]

If she wanted you to know . she would have told you. Keep your fake sympathy to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, I have not spoken to my mother in over half a year. I already mourned her and the relationship I wish we had, although she is still alive. I could very well see myself not mentioning her death to anyone at work.

OP, I don't think you should say anything. Not everyone can be close to their mothers.

She's already been told this but she wants to let her nanny know that she knows for her own reasons.

Whatever at this point.

But it's not about the MB. It's about the nanny. The nanny is the one whose relative died. HER feelings should be the ones considered, and NOT the MB's in this situation.

[Anonymous]

She's almost 60 years old. I doubt this was a sudden, unexpected death, and she likes to keep her private life separate from work. I totally understand that.

Condolences are never inappropriate, just like it's always right to say congratulations when told about a pregnancy even if you know circumstances aren't ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's almost 60 years old. I doubt this was a sudden, unexpected death, and she likes to keep her private life separate from work. I totally understand that.

Condolences are never inappropriate, just like it's always right to say congratulations when told about a pregnancy even if you know circumstances aren't ideal.

+1 Condolences are never inappropriate. And it would be wrong to say nothing now that you know.

I also greatly envy you your nanny, OP. I wish there were more like her.

[Anonymous]

You can also get a condolence card and write your sentiments and hand it to her as she leaves for the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, I have not spoken to my mother in over half a year. I already mourned her and the relationship I wish we had, although she is still alive. I could very well see myself not mentioning her death to anyone at work.

OP, I don't think you should say anything. Not everyone can be close to their mothers.

She's already been told this but she wants to let her nanny know that she knows for her own reasons.

Whatever at this point.

But it's not about the MB. It's about the nanny. The nanny is the one whose relative died. HER feelings should be the ones considered, and NOT the MB's in this situation.

I think OP's point is that she is concerned that her nanny will find out that she (OP) knew that nanny's mother died and said nothing. Yes, that might hurt her nanny's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can also get a condolence card and write your sentiments and hand it to her as she leaves for the day.

+1

[Anonymous]

When my father died the last thing I wanted to do was talk about him with my employers. I had to tell them to take time off work, but beyond that I never brought it up again. It was a VERY hard time for me and I found that the best way to get through my day was to just not think about him at work. When the grandmother came to visit she said she was very sorry, but then went on to ask all sorts of questions about how he died. I ended up needing to leave the room because it was so hard to talk about. Later that night I was really angry she brought it up at all.