Au Pair Staying Every Night at Boyfriend's House

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Car needs to remain at your house at night. Its not her car, its for her use with boundaries. If she wants to be grown, give her a list of duties and stick by them and tell her car is work work only or by permission.

+1. My ap had a fit this weekend when we told her that she can not drive in the ice. She has never driven in ice. Our rule is that she can't drive in ice. I don't know why she thought it was okay.

when your child is the age of your AU pair will you say the same thing? Or will you go out and have them practice with you so they know what they’re doing?

Are you nuts? I went out the other night in the ice and got 3 blocks before I turned around and I live in New York State! No I would not take my kid out in the ice for a teaching moment. People should only be driving in EMERGENCIES during an ice storm.

Jesus some of you are blazing mornons

I agree. Having lived in PNW mountains before transplanting to DC, driving on ice was not possible unless you had chains on with winter tires. I would not risk my life driving on ice unless it was a true emergency.

[Anonymous]

The AuPair can go where ever she wants at night (minus covid issues) however the car is not to go overnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Car needs to remain at your house at night. Its not her car, its for her use with boundaries. If she wants to be grown, give her a list of duties and stick by them and tell her car is work work only or by permission.

+1. My ap had a fit this weekend when we told her that she can not drive in the ice. She has never driven in ice. Our rule is that she can't drive in ice. I don't know why she thought it was okay.

when your child is the age of your AU pair will you say the same thing? Or will you go out and have them practice with you so they know what they’re doing?

OMG. Yes, I will expect my children to not be reckless idiots who drive in an ice storm. There is no good reason to take that risk. I don't care if this is supposed to be the most special, superfun year of AP's life. Just no.

I don't drive in the ice. I pay for the car. I pay for the insurance. I don't want a deadbody on my watch. So yeah, no ice driving for the au pair. If they want free reign, they can pay for their own transportation, lodging, food, etc and arrange for the trip of their dreams.

+1. What? I would not go driving on ice for fun and therefore I would not take my kids driving on ice for them to practice. I would pay for my kids to take an emergency driving conditions class, which includes information on driving on black ice (unexpectedly or in an emergency only). If I need AP to drive on ice ever, I would pay for her to take a similar class. But no, I would absolutely not "teach" my AP to drive on ice so that she could go visit her boyfriend or go to the mall. WTF. I would also not do that and I would also not let my kids do that. DC is not somewhere where you "have" to drive on ice basically ever unless it is somehow completely unexpected or a true emergency (and, even then, there are very few circumstances in which I'd think driving my car myself was the safest option).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Car needs to remain at your house at night. Its not her car, its for her use with boundaries. If she wants to be grown, give her a list of duties and stick by them and tell her car is work work only or by permission.

+1. My ap had a fit this weekend when we told her that she can not drive in the ice. She has never driven in ice. Our rule is that she can't drive in ice. I don't know why she thought it was okay.

when your child is the age of your AU pair will you say the same thing? Or will you go out and have them practice with you so they know what they’re doing?

OMG. Yes, I will expect my children to not be reckless idiots who drive in an ice storm. There is no good reason to take that risk. I don't care if this is supposed to be the most special, superfun year of AP's life. Just no.

I don't drive in the ice. I pay for the car. I pay for the insurance. I don't want a deadbody on my watch. So yeah, no ice driving for the au pair. If they want free reign, they can pay for their own transportation, lodging, food, etc and arrange for the trip of their dreams.

+1. What? I would not go driving on ice for fun and therefore I would not take my kids driving on ice for them to practice. I would pay for my kids to take an emergency driving conditions class, which includes information on driving on black ice (unexpectedly or in an emergency only). If I need AP to drive on ice ever, I would pay for her to take a similar class. But no, I would absolutely not "teach" my AP to drive on ice so that she could go visit her boyfriend or go to the mall. WTF. I would also not do that and I would also not let my kids do that. DC is not somewhere where you "have" to drive on ice basically ever unless it is somehow completely unexpected or a true emergency (and, even then, there are very few circumstances in which I'd think driving my car myself was the safest option).

Except with AWD and special tires and more, you cannot safely drive on ice. Its a non-issue. Black ice is really dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Car needs to remain at your house at night. Its not her car, its for her use with boundaries. If she wants to be grown, give her a list of duties and stick by them and tell her car is work work only or by permission.

+1. My ap had a fit this weekend when we told her that she can not drive in the ice. She has never driven in ice. Our rule is that she can't drive in ice. I don't know why she thought it was okay.

when your child is the age of your AU pair will you say the same thing? Or will you go out and have them practice with you so they know what they’re doing?

Is that what the aupair wanted? To go to a parking lot with her host parent and practice driving for an hour or so? Or did the au pair want the keys to the car in an ice storm to go to her boyfriend's house?

Two very different scenarios. If someone wants to practice driving in an ice storm, well, it's a class and not the keys to my car on a friday night. If they don't do amazingly well driving in the parking lot, they won't drive in any bad weather. Even if they do great, they will need more than one hour to learn.

ANd if my child was overseas and there was a storm with dangerous road conditions, I certainly hope a host family wouldn't hand her the keys and wish her well. I hope they would explain it's dangerous to drive in the weather

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Car needs to remain at your house at night. Its not her car, its for her use with boundaries. If she wants to be grown, give her a list of duties and stick by them and tell her car is work work only or by permission.

+1. My ap had a fit this weekend when we told her that she can not drive in the ice. She has never driven in ice. Our rule is that she can't drive in ice. I don't know why she thought it was okay.

when your child is the age of your AU pair will you say the same thing? Or will you go out and have them practice with you so they know what they’re doing?

Is that what the aupair wanted? To go to a parking lot with her host parent and practice driving for an hour or so? Or did the au pair want the keys to the car in an ice storm to go to her boyfriend's house?

Two very different scenarios. If someone wants to practice driving in an ice storm, well, it's a class and not the keys to my car on a friday night. If they don't do amazingly well driving in the parking lot, they won't drive in any bad weather. Even if they do great, they will need more than one hour to learn.

ANd if my child was overseas and there was a storm with dangerous road conditions, I certainly hope a host family wouldn't hand her the keys and wish her well. I hope they would explain it's dangerous to drive in the weather

The people who are coddling the wanting to drive in an ice storm are the same ones who think they are wonderful for buying alcohol for their 15 year old's party and the wonder what happened where the ambulance takes their kid to the ER for alcohol poisoing

[Anonymous]

I think you all are the worst families to live with. Have you ever been an au pair? Known how hard it is to live with strangers who mostly treat you like you’re just the help?
I think you need to understand that if you trust the au pair with your children’s lives (should be the most important thing in the world to you) you should also trust the au pair to take her job responsibly. Y’all should understand that you don’t own the au pair. They’re not your properties and with what all of you had to say we already know that you are the worst possible people out there. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Please don’t ever have an au pair again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you all are the worst families to live with. Have you ever been an au pair? Known how hard it is to live with strangers who mostly treat you like you’re just the help?
I think you need to understand that if you trust the au pair with your children’s lives (should be the most important thing in the world to you) you should also trust the au pair to take her job responsibly. Y’all should understand that you don’t own the au pair. They’re not your properties and with what all of you had to say we already know that you are the worst possible people out there. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Please don’t ever have an au pair again.

Yawn. Then the at pair can buy her own car, pay her own insurance and gas to keep the car out overnight. Done.

[Anonymous]

Our au pairs do not have curfews. Our car has to be home at midnight and cannot be utilized if drinking is involved. If she has a boyfriend, he can drive her, or pay for her uber.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you all are the worst families to live with. Have you ever been an au pair? Known how hard it is to live with strangers who mostly treat you like you’re just the help?
I think you need to understand that if you trust the au pair with your children’s lives (should be the most important thing in the world to you) you should also trust the au pair to take her job responsibly. Y’all should understand that you don’t own the au pair. They’re not your properties and with what all of you had to say we already know that you are the worst possible people out there. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Please don’t ever have an au pair again.

He we go again. The aupair isn't my property but the car definitely is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our au pair has a boyfriend and for the last two weeks she has been staying every night at his apartment. We let her use our car (we have an extra car just for her) every night and she comes back for work in the early morning. She intends to continue staying there rather than here, and coming in for work and leaving almost immediately after her shift is over.

Generally this is fine with us, we want to be supportive of her relationship and she is punctual in her return. (Although overall she is a somewhat mediocre au pair; not bad but not great.) But the other night there was trouble with the car and it had to be towed very late at night (we called roadside assistance to her; it has been repaired now). She came back with the tow truck at around 11 pm (maybe a little bit later) but immediately left back to her boyfriend's apartment (he drove her back). It was very late and she had an early start the next day. Concerned that she would be tired, this morning I told her (very diplomatically) that I thought it would have been a better judgment call on her part for her to have stayed with us rather than leave back to her boyfriend's apartment, as it was very late and she had an early morning. I told her I was concerned she has been tired lately. She basically blew up at me; getting super angry and defensive and telling me that she was mad at me because she does her job and what she does on her free time shouldn't be of my concern.

Can you please get me a reality check here? Am I in the wrong? She seems to have gotten very entitled lately and has become very difficult to speak to. I want to be supportive but I also don't want a tired au pair who bolts out of the house right away and comes back the next day. She says that arrangement "makes her feel like a grown-up." Would love to hear your thoughts.

Whatever she does after hours is not of your business. How is she entitled? Just b/c she uses the extra car?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our au pair has a boyfriend and for the last two weeks she has been staying every night at his apartment. We let her use our car (we have an extra car just for her) every night and she comes back for work in the early morning. She intends to continue staying there rather than here, and coming in for work and leaving almost immediately after her shift is over.

Generally this is fine with us, we want to be supportive of her relationship and she is punctual in her return. (Although overall she is a somewhat mediocre au pair; not bad but not great.) But the other night there was trouble with the car and it had to be towed very late at night (we called roadside assistance to her; it has been repaired now). She came back with the tow truck at around 11 pm (maybe a little bit later) but immediately left back to her boyfriend's apartment (he drove her back). It was very late and she had an early start the next day. Concerned that she would be tired, this morning I told her (very diplomatically) that I thought it would have been a better judgment call on her part for her to have stayed with us rather than leave back to her boyfriend's apartment, as it was very late and she had an early morning. I told her I was concerned she has been tired lately. She basically blew up at me; getting super angry and defensive and telling me that she was mad at me because she does her job and what she does on her free time shouldn't be of my concern.

Can you please get me a reality check here? Am I in the wrong? She seems to have gotten very entitled lately and has become very difficult to speak to. I want to be supportive but I also don't want a tired au pair who bolts out of the house right away and comes back the next day. She says that arrangement "makes her feel like a grown-up." Would love to hear your thoughts.

Whatever she does after hours is not of your business. How is she entitled? Just b/c she uses the extra car?

When we had a baby and an au pair taking care of the baby we mandated a curfew during the week/Sunday night (midnight), so that she would, in theory, have a full seven hours of sleep before starting at 7:00am. We disclosed this during matching, and it was never an issue.

[Anonymous]

so stupid. Why people use au pairs is beyond me. Quit your job and take care of your kids. If not, stop complaining when you stupidly ask total strangers from overseas to come and live in your house, and to take care of your precious - I guess not so precious, otherwise you would not be asking strangers into your house - kids. I see hese miserable girls in the park all the time, they are not taking good care of the kids. I can understand when people get a nanny but au pair thing is just stupidest thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Our car is only to be used for children's needs. AP can have her boyfriend pick her up or take a ride--share. We also give her unlimited money for bus (about 2 blocks to the bus stop) and metro fare ( Bethesda metro about 10 minutes on the bus).

If she is such an adult then she can purchase her own car. She is supposed to be a part of our family, and we made this clear when we hired. I am happy if she finds a husband here, if that is what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so stupid. Why people use au pairs is beyond me. Quit your job and take care of your kids. If not, stop complaining when you stupidly ask total strangers from overseas to come and live in your house, and to take care of your precious - I guess not so precious, otherwise you would not be asking strangers into your house - kids. I see hese miserable girls in the park all the time, they are not taking good care of the kids. I can understand when people get a nanny but au pair thing is just stupidest thing to do.

Because there are salesmen masquerading as LLCs who sell aupairs as Mary Poppins'esque women who live in your home, are happy to be apart of your family, and who are here to learn english and hug babies. Not partying young adults who couldn't attend college in their own countries who are here to use your car, crash at your house, sometimes keep your kids alive and use your family as an agent for a visa until they find a husband or another family to foot the bill.

If the shiny brochures matched the reality and if there was affordable childcare in this country, no one would host aupairs.

But since families do, please set boundaries on the car usage, whether you are comfortable with her basically living elsewhere and rematch if you aren't. It's your family and your children. Protect your children first and foremost.