Au Pair Staying Every Night at Boyfriend's House

[Anonymous]

Our au pair has a boyfriend and for the last two weeks she has been staying every night at his apartment. We let her use our car (we have an extra car just for her) every night and she comes back for work in the early morning. She intends to continue staying there rather than here, and coming in for work and leaving almost immediately after her shift is over.

Generally this is fine with us, we want to be supportive of her relationship and she is punctual in her return. (Although overall she is a somewhat mediocre au pair; not bad but not great.) But the other night there was trouble with the car and it had to be towed very late at night (we called roadside assistance to her; it has been repaired now). She came back with the tow truck at around 11 pm (maybe a little bit later) but immediately left back to her boyfriend's apartment (he drove her back). It was very late and she had an early start the next day. Concerned that she would be tired, this morning I told her (very diplomatically) that I thought it would have been a better judgment call on her part for her to have stayed with us rather than leave back to her boyfriend's apartment, as it was very late and she had an early morning. I told her I was concerned she has been tired lately. She basically blew up at me; getting super angry and defensive and telling me that she was mad at me because she does her job and what she does on her free time shouldn't be of my concern.

Can you please get me a reality check here? Am I in the wrong? She seems to have gotten very entitled lately and has become very difficult to speak to. I want to be supportive but I also don't want a tired au pair who bolts out of the house right away and comes back the next day. She says that arrangement "makes her feel like a grown-up." Would love to hear your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Nope. That would be a no-go for me even in non-covid times. The terms of her visa include living with her host family. You’ve been overly generous and she’s taking advantage. She can stay with her bf (a stupid idea right now but you’ve already allowed it) on the nights when she isn’t working the next day, aka the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Our dedicated car has a midnight curfew, and we mandate that if she is working the next day, she has to be home by midnight so that she is guaranteed the opportunity of a 7-hour sleep. Her weekends are her own.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty relaxed on rules and like to treat my au pairs like adults but this raises major red flags. If she is already being rude/ getting upset when you try to speak to her it signals to me that it just isn't going to work out. I agree with the PP that asking her to limit the number of nights per week sounds like a good compromise. If she spends all of her free time at her BF's and is annoyed with you I have no doubt it will soon bleed into her childcare abilities. Prepare yourself for rematch and try to ask her to limit the number of nights she is out.

[Anonymous]

That would not fly in my house. You hired live in for a reason, and that's what she should be doing. If she wants to stay at BF before a non work night, fine. but she should not be dragging your care there overnight. It's your vehicle not hers. She is allowed to use it as a member of the household.

I would tell her this and inform the LCC. I would not be surprised if you go into a rematch.

And are you not worried about COVID????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our au pair has a boyfriend and for the last two weeks she has been staying every night at his apartment. We let her use our car (we have an extra car just for her) every night and she comes back for work in the early morning. She intends to continue staying there rather than here, and coming in for work and leaving almost immediately after her shift is over.

Generally this is fine with us, we want to be supportive of her relationship and she is punctual in her return. (Although overall she is a somewhat mediocre au pair; not bad but not great.) But the other night there was trouble with the car and it had to be towed very late at night (we called roadside assistance to her; it has been repaired now). She came back with the tow truck at around 11 pm (maybe a little bit later) but immediately left back to her boyfriend's apartment (he drove her back). It was very late and she had an early start the next day. Concerned that she would be tired, this morning I told her (very diplomatically) that I thought it would have been a better judgment call on her part for her to have stayed with us rather than leave back to her boyfriend's apartment, as it was very late and she had an early morning. I told her I was concerned she has been tired lately. She basically blew up at me; getting super angry and defensive and telling me that she was mad at me because she does her job and what she does on her free time shouldn't be of my concern.

Can you please get me a reality check here? Am I in the wrong? She seems to have gotten very entitled lately and has become very difficult to speak to. I want to be supportive but I also don't want a tired au pair who bolts out of the house right away and comes back the next day. She says that arrangement "makes her feel like a grown-up." Would love to hear your thoughts.

OP, did she pay for any of the repairs? She should. Does she pay for the gas when she darts off to her boyfriend's home and back? You should not be. And what did she do to the car that it needed to be towed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our au pair has a boyfriend and for the last two weeks she has been staying every night at his apartment. We let her use our car (we have an extra car just for her) every night and she comes back for work in the early morning. She intends to continue staying there rather than here, and coming in for work and leaving almost immediately after her shift is over.

Generally this is fine with us, we want to be supportive of her relationship and she is punctual in her return. (Although overall she is a somewhat mediocre au pair; not bad but not great.) But the other night there was trouble with the car and it had to be towed very late at night (we called roadside assistance to her; it has been repaired now). She came back with the tow truck at around 11 pm (maybe a little bit later) but immediately left back to her boyfriend's apartment (he drove her back). It was very late and she had an early start the next day. Concerned that she would be tired, this morning I told her (very diplomatically) that I thought it would have been a better judgment call on her part for her to have stayed with us rather than leave back to her boyfriend's apartment, as it was very late and she had an early morning. I told her I was concerned she has been tired lately. She basically blew up at me; getting super angry and defensive and telling me that she was mad at me because she does her job and what she does on her free time shouldn't be of my concern.

Can you please get me a reality check here? Am I in the wrong? She seems to have gotten very entitled lately and has become very difficult to speak to. I want to be supportive but I also don't want a tired au pair who bolts out of the house right away and comes back the next day. She says that arrangement "makes her feel like a grown-up." Would love to hear your thoughts.

A grown up can pay for her own rent and car while working while adhering to J1 visa regulation. This is your reality check.

[Anonymous]

I had an AP who stayed at her bf's house basically every night. She'd get home around 6am and then rest before her shift started at 715am. This started about half-way into her year with us and looking back I realize that's when she went from a fantastic to AP to backsliding. I talked a lot with her about improving as an AP, and also told her that I wouldn't forbid her from staying over at her bf's house, though I didn't love it. I also told her that if she was late one time for ANY reason that could have been prevented by staying home (i.e. car trouble, snow storm, traffic accident) we were through. I told our AD about the situation so if I did have to boot her she knew what was up.

She chose to stay out and she was always on time. She wasn't bad enough to rematch for (the kids loved her and she kept them safe and followed all rules, she just wasn't very proactive and didn't go above and beyond), but we didn't extend either.

FWIW her next HF never contacted me for a reference, and she found herself in rematch pretty quickly because they didn't like her staying at her BF's house.

[Anonymous]

First thing first - you won't be able to get a great AP from the in country pool, so before you push too hard here, make sure you are ready to deal with having no AP for a while (I've hear Mexico is still doing visa appointments, so maybe see if you can quality for a NEI and look at Mexican in country au pairs).

Second thing, she is no longer interested in/focused on being your AP. She is young, in "love" and focused on that. Hey, I was there a time or two, so no judgement, but just the facts.

Can you live with the current arrangement until her time is done (I am not sure when that is)? If so, I would just shut down the "part of the family" thing and treat it like the business arrangement it has become until she leaves. Smile and say good morning, but don't try much beyond that.

If you can't live with the current arrangement, write down with what you can live with it and ask the LCC to help facilitate a conversation about the path forward. Can she go but not have the car? Can she stay over a certain number of nights a week? Does she have to start paying for part of the gas? Be specific.

ps If she has only been dating this guy for two weeks and is already over there this much, I bet it flames out soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First thing first - you won't be able to get a great AP from the in country pool, so before you push too hard here, make sure you are ready to deal with having no AP for a while (I've hear Mexico is still doing visa appointments, so maybe see if you can quality for a NEI and look at Mexican in country au pairs).

Second thing, she is no longer interested in/focused on being your AP. She is young, in "love" and focused on that. Hey, I was there a time or two, so no judgement, but just the facts.

Can you live with the current arrangement until her time is done (I am not sure when that is)? If so, I would just shut down the "part of the family" thing and treat it like the business arrangement it has become until she leaves. Smile and say good morning, but don't try much beyond that.

If you can't live with the current arrangement, write down with what you can live with it and ask the LCC to help facilitate a conversation about the path forward. Can she go but not have the car? Can she stay over a certain number of nights a week? Does she have to start paying for part of the gas? Be specific.

ps If she has only been dating this guy for two weeks and is already over there this much, I bet it flames out soon!

+1 And then OP will have to deal with the fallout

[Anonymous]

1. Car’s curfew is 2am when AP is not working the following day.
2. AP doesn’t have a curfew if not working the next day, but is expected not to wake anyone up if bringing the car back/coming home.
3. AP’s curfew is 7 hours prior to the morning shift. That may be as early as 10 pm.
4. Yelling and belligerence are unacceptable. Discuss things rationally or leave.

[Anonymous]

I had this happen. She showed up late in the morning because she basically had a 45-minute commute from his place. We ended up in rematch. She got married (amazingly, not to that guy... he dumped her, and she found someone else who married her within a year, just before her visa expired!).

[Anonymous]

Rematch.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tolerate the yelling. I'd be shocked if my AP yelled at me.

That said, my AP has had several boyfriends. All seem to start out like this with her over there often, and then they fizzle out and she stays home every night for a couple of months (she's been with us for almost 2 years now).

I don't care during non-COVID times, but things are tough now. I think she's seeing someone now, but is a pretty cautious person by nature so we're trusting her. We've tried the "don't see anyone during COVID" and that just made us all depressed. They do need their freedom and breaks from us, as long as they're very cautious, respectful and show up to work on time.

That said, I'm still appalled that she blew up at you. That's the only reason why I'd rematch.

[Anonymous]

I think she was wrong if she actually yelled, but you are wrong in telling her she would be tired. The truth is YOU would be tired if you did that. When I was 16-25 I could totally sleep for three hours after clubbing, roll into work on time and do a good job.