New au pair sad & withdrawn

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks... dh’s Biggest pet peeve is hair playing, so of course he doesn’t want our daughters to catch the habit!

Your husband sounds sexist.

Really? He isn’t... neither of us think playing with hair is a sign of maturity in anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok... need some more advice as to how to proceed. DH said AP was not helpful this weekend or this morning, she stands around a lot playing with her hair, waiting to be told what to do rather than being at all proactive. DH's words were "just taking up space and needs instructions for everything".

Then DH needs to be proactive, include her and tell her what needs to be done. It's been two weeks. TWO! She obviously has no idea what is expected from her. Yes, some APs just 'click' with their families, hit the ground running and don't need much to do a good job. Obviously, yours is not hitting the ground running. She cannot read your minds. Tell her what needs to be done. If she has no clue what needs to be done you need to train her.

"AP, please make Larlo's breakfast and help him get ready for the day. He needs his teeth brushed and he needs to make his bed."
"AP, please clean the table and put everything in the dishwasher."
"AP, please unload the dryer and fold the kids' towels. The grey towels go into the soccer bag."

Yes, it's easier for you or DH to just do it yourself. Because you know what needs to be done and how you want it done.
She doesn't. And you are obviously not providing her with the necessary tools if she is just standing there, playing with her hair. She is insecure, she is anxious, she has no idea what to do, hence the hair playing. Train her or rematch her so that she can find a family that suits her personality better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks... dh’s Biggest pet peeve is hair playing, so of course he doesn’t want our daughters to catch the habit!

Your husband sounds sexist.

Really? He isn’t... neither of us think playing with hair is a sign of maturity in anyone.

.

Playing with hair and intelligence have no correlation, inverse or otherwise. The fact that you think so tells me that the pair of you are rather dim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks... dh’s Biggest pet peeve is hair playing, so of course he doesn’t want our daughters to catch the habit!

Your husband sounds sexist.

Really? He isn’t... neither of us think playing with hair is a sign of maturity in anyone.

.

Playing with hair and intelligence have no correlation, inverse or otherwise. The fact that you think so tells me that the pair of you are rather dim.

NP. PP said "maturity" not "intelligence" I assume you decided to "misread" it. Yeah playing with your hair instead of getting stuffs done doesn't sound mature to me regardless of sex.

[Anonymous]

Op - she seems to be less sad, which is good, but she is still quite withdrawn. It’s difficult for me to get a sense of how she is with the kids because whenever I’m around she continues to stand around just watching (or hair playing...), unless I give her specific tasks. She’s making friends and going out (including staying out all night this weekend), but it’s now been almost 4 weeks so it’s time for her to step up. Planning to have a serious chat with her and dh tomorrow so we can hopefully help her understand what the needs are for the job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - she seems to be less sad, which is good, but she is still quite withdrawn. It’s difficult for me to get a sense of how she is with the kids because whenever I’m around she continues to stand around just watching (or hair playing...), unless I give her specific tasks. She’s making friends and going out (including staying out all night this weekend), but it’s now been almost 4 weeks so it’s time for her to step up. Planning to have a serious chat with her and dh tomorrow so we can hopefully help her understand what the needs are for the job.

You’re the parent, she’s trying to stay back and not step on toes when you’re there. She’s functioning when you’re not there, right? Tell her to pretend you’re not there and do what she would do if by herself with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - she seems to be less sad, which is good, but she is still quite withdrawn. It’s difficult for me to get a sense of how she is with the kids because whenever I’m around she continues to stand around just watching (or hair playing...), unless I give her specific tasks. She’s making friends and going out (including staying out all night this weekend), but it’s now been almost 4 weeks so it’s time for her to step up. Planning to have a serious chat with her and dh tomorrow so we can hopefully help her understand what the needs are for the job.

She isn't comfortable in your home. Make her feel more comfortable. Or, hey AP, could you please help me with dinner. I'd appreciate of you could cut the veggies. Or, even if she's not getting out much, take her out for dinner one night.

[Anonymous]

We are doing everything we possibly can to make her feel welcome. We include her in everything, try to give her tasks to help and specific directions. Like super specific. She seems to be semi-competent when she’s solo with the kids, but if we are around at all she is like a lump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are doing everything we possibly can to make her feel welcome. We include her in everything, try to give her tasks to help and specific directions. Like super specific. She seems to be semi-competent when she’s solo with the kids, but if we are around at all she is like a lump.

It is appropriate she defer to you as the parents.