New au pair sad & withdrawn
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Anonymous
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We’ve hosted 4 au pairs for successful years. Our first was a personality dud, we struggled through the year as she was good with the kids, but we basically didn’t interact with her much. Our next 3 were a much better fit for our family, and we had an especially good relationship with our most recent who just left. Our newest au pair arrived Friday. Her English is either much weaker than she led us to believe, or she’s shy about using it. We speak her native language fluently so we’ve also tried to reach her in her language, thinking it might make her feel more comfortable. No dice.
She’s very withdrawn, only coming out of her room when she’s working. She has a friend who is an au pair in a town @40 mins away and they saw each other on Sunday. Yesterday she came down right before her scheduled time and started crying and said she was feeling very sad. I comforted her and tried to help, but she basically closed off after a few minutes and left again to her room. She came back in time to work, and was with 2 of my ids for a while in the afternoon but it was difficult to tell how it went. Today she spent all day in her room and when I left to pick up my older kids, leaving her the the youngest, she was just kind of awkwardly standing there while my son was upset I was leaving. I kept encouraging her to engage him but she was just very awkward. We are supposed to all eat dinner together tonight and I could use some advice as to what to say to get her to open up a bit. |
Anonymous
| What about playing the high-low game at dinner? Play games that require communication. |
Anonymous
| What is the high low game? |
Anonymous
| How did it go? |
Anonymous
| Friday is very recent. It sounds like she could be homesick and having trouble adjusting to life here. Has she met any other au pairs closer to your house? Maybe encouraging her to meet other au pairs and go out after work could help her adjust and cheer her up. Have you guys been able to take her out and show her around? What does she say if you ask her how she’s feeling? |
Anonymous
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She made one comment at dinner - that the food was good. I tried asking her some questions and encouraged the kids to talk with her but she didn’t engage at all.
I know Friday is recent. I expect she is homesick (since she said as much), but she doesn’t seem to be making an effort. She went to bed at 8 when I was putting the kids to bed. Ive encouraged her to meet other au pairs and she has some phone numbers our last ap left, but she hasn’t reached out to my knowledge. I have taken her out several times to show her around. She doesn’t seem to be learning her way around yet, my 7yo said yesterday she had to navigate to show ap where to go for her class and how to get home after. Fortunately my 7yo knows her way around! Today she said “I’m ok” or “I’m fine” when I asked her. I think she’s maybe spoken 15 words to me or the kids total today. I have to go out of town Friday-Monday so dh will be with her and the kids (and she has off from Friday evening-Sunday afternoon, he’s just asked her to work a few hours Sunday). I have no idea how that’s going to go... |
Anonymous
| Get your LCC involved. We put up with two sullen duds and you deserve better than that. If she is homesick, she needs to the tools to deal with it. It's not fair to you nor your kids to stick with someone who will not try. |
Anonymous
Real homesickness is like a (temporary, mild-ish) case of depression. It's like telling somebody with a broken arm to make an effort... it's more a case of "can't (right now)" than "don't want to." Options? Give her a bit more time. See if you can reach out to some of the APs your last AP knew and ask them to reach out to your new AP. If she doesn't yet know her way around (she has been with you five days...) print out maps or provide her with a gps. Otherwise I think you are really trying your best in reaching out to her and including her. Continue doing that. If you are lucky, she will come out of her shell soonish. If you are not lucky she will go back home due to homesickness (or possibly depression, depending on how it goes). |
Anonymous
I do this with my kid. You talk about what your high for the day is, and you have to have a high. Then what your low is. You do NOT have to have a low. We also added what we are thankful for. It cannnot be generic like " I am thankful for my family" unless you really are for some reason. It has to be daily specific. One day I was thankful we had AC because not everyone does, yesterday I was thankful for our hair person because DD (AA) gets her hair done every 2 weeks....stuff like that. |
Anonymous
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Well, it's terrible to ask her to work on a Sunday.
Let her go out or rest from her week. Not a nice way to welcome someone at all. Then, just take her out for coffee without the kids and ask her how she feels, why she's being unhappy, what you can do to make it better etc ... Maybe it's just being away from her family (she can call them), maybe she would like to have friends nearby etc. Maybe the children are tough with her because they miss the last Au Pair and need to be nicer to her. It can be a lot of things. It's worth finding out, you picked her for a reason and it's the beginning  good luck
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Anonymous
| It is absolutely not terrible to have someone work on a Sunday. Our au pairs have a regular schedule M-F, 7:30-4:30, but we explicitly say during match/handbook, that when travel is required, hours may be adjusted to include some weekend hours. So, she has almost every weekend off, but there are a few times a year when she will need to work weekend hours. |
Anonymous
+1. If this is what was discussed during matching, then totally ok and reasonable for her to work on a sunday--provided you are following the rules. we have complex lives. that's why we have au pairs. I also agree with letting the LCC know. She may be able to help put her in touch with other APs in the cluster. Plus, if things take an unfavorable turn, the LCC will know that you were trying. |
Anonymous
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She has known from the beginning that occasional weekend work is typical, especially when we travel. She usually only works 3-6 or 7 M-F so it isn't exactly a taxing schedule.
I've reached out to the LCC and hope she can check in with her. I've also encouraged her to get in touch with some of last Ap's friends, since she left all their phone numbers. My kids are trying - my older two are super sweet with her and keep asking her to play and engage with them. My youngest is navigating a lot of transitions and was sick this week too, and he's been clingy to me, but he also is super friendly with her and is trying hard. She's barely been alone with the kids except a few hours with him at home yesterday afternoon (when he was sick and slept for part of it). |
Anonymous
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You are travelling for work, not your husband.
So HE should be a father and take care of the children himself instead of throwing them to the Au Pair. |
Anonymous
Oh for goodness sake! He IS being a father and taking care of the children himself, ALL WEEKEND. He is having the au pair work (as I would in the same situation) so he can take 1 child to a birthday party that the other 2 kids aren't invited to, nor would it be appropriate for them to attend. So AP will spend a couple of hours with 2 kids while he takes 1 to a scheduled event. |