NF moving to Hawaii and want me to move with them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, Everyone, I'm the OP chiming in again. Thanks for all of your feedback.

I've had a few more discussions with MB and DB and haven't made a final decision yet, but am leaning toward going.

I think the situation will be pretty livable:

They haven't purchased a new house yet, but are searching now and plan to fly out later this winter to look at places. They say I'll have my own space like I do now and they may even try to find an option that would give me my own entrance which would be really nice.

They've offered me a slight raise ($200 per month more than I'm currently getting) which isn't huge, but I think is fine given that I won't have to pay for rent, utilities, or that much food.

They've also offered to buy a used car for my sole use if I will commit to going with the intention of staying long term (a couple years). We won't have a binding contract for that period of time, but they said they just want me to be forthright about my intentions going in.

The housekeeping expectations are regular vacuuming, mopping, dusting, de-cluttering, cleaning bathrooms, kitchen, doing the dishes, doing the family laundry, changing bed sheets, and then other tasks as assigned. This is in addition to the normal cleaning up after the kids. I'm not thrilled about these, but I think these should be doable when the kids are in school, so I don't really think it's going to be more hours.

On the whole, I think it sounds like a potentially cool opportunity that I might not get again, so I figure that I will take this adventure while I have the chance. My main worry is how easy it will be to make friends and have a life without knowing anyone there besides my NF.

Sounds good, OP. You are looking out for the right things. My biggest concern for you is expectations of you in doing things over and beyond what you're currently doing or/and doing things that you do not like. You will start feeling "trapped" . Worst case scenario - they start asking much more of you or maybe their marriage starts to become toxic - what are your options? Do they need to give you notice if they fire you? If things don't work out, are you able to fly back east and restart? Save money for that flight home.

Lastly, absolutely push for having a car. you absolutely NEED a car in Hawaii (doesn't matter which island). Sure, you can get by sharing one but if you can have your own, the better.

Sounds exciting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, Everyone, I'm the OP chiming in again. Thanks for all of your feedback.

I've had a few more discussions with MB and DB and haven't made a final decision yet, but am leaning toward going.

I think the situation will be pretty livable:

They haven't purchased a new house yet, but are searching now and plan to fly out later this winter to look at places. They say I'll have my own space like I do now and they may even try to find an option that would give me my own entrance which would be really nice.

They've offered me a slight raise ($200 per month more than I'm currently getting) which isn't huge, but I think is fine given that I won't have to pay for rent, utilities, or that much food.

They've also offered to buy a used car for my sole use if I will commit to going with the intention of staying long term (a couple years). We won't have a binding contract for that period of time, but they said they just want me to be forthright about my intentions going in.

The housekeeping expectations are regular vacuuming, mopping, dusting, de-cluttering, cleaning bathrooms, kitchen, doing the dishes, doing the family laundry, changing bed sheets, and then other tasks as assigned. This is in addition to the normal cleaning up after the kids. I'm not thrilled about these, but I think these should be doable when the kids are in school, so I don't really think it's going to be more hours.

On the whole, I think it sounds like a potentially cool opportunity that I might not get again, so I figure that I will take this adventure while I have the chance. My main worry is how easy it will be to make friends and have a life without knowing anyone there besides my NF.

It sounds amazing and I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm strangely excited for you (internet stranger) and this awesome opportunity.

You need to work out housekeeping expectation for when the kids are out of school. You won't be able to keep up with the regular duties. Do you have a contract now? If so, I don't understand why you wouldn't have one in HI. I'm certain you will make friends!

I think she means there won't be any penalties if she leaves for some unforeseeable reason before the end of two years (like making her pay back her moving expenses or something), but that they only want her to come if her initial intention is to stay for at least two years. That makes sense, because the cost of moving another adult is not insignificant, and if they're going to turn around in 3-6 months and hire a local (who would probably also come with a car), they will do that instead from the get-go.

[Anonymous]

What about summers and breaks when the kids are off? Will you get paid more to do housekeeping and nannying?

[Anonymous]

I do think you should really dig deep about how you feel about the housekeeping. No matter how much they value and love you, you will be cleaning the bathrooms and picking up and they won't. Some people would take pride in doing a great job of caring for the house, earning a good wage, and having an adventure in Hawaii on someone else's living expenses dime. Some people would start to resent it, and would end up feeling icky about it.

I think what they're telling you, though, is that if you don't go, they are going to hire a housekeeper/nanny who can transition with their older kids. So, there's probably not a job available without the cleaning portion, though you could pitch one: weekly cleaning service and you pick up most of the cooking? Or something else equally time-consuming and valuable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, Everyone, I'm the OP chiming in again. Thanks for all of your feedback.

I've had a few more discussions with MB and DB and haven't made a final decision yet, but am leaning toward going.

I think the situation will be pretty livable:

They haven't purchased a new house yet, but are searching now and plan to fly out later this winter to look at places. They say I'll have my own space like I do now and they may even try to find an option that would give me my own entrance which would be really nice.

They've offered me a slight raise ($200 per month more than I'm currently getting) which isn't huge, but I think is fine given that I won't have to pay for rent, utilities, or that much food.

They've also offered to buy a used car for my sole use if I will commit to going with the intention of staying long term (a couple years). We won't have a binding contract for that period of time, but they said they just want me to be forthright about my intentions going in.

The housekeeping expectations are regular vacuuming, mopping, dusting, de-cluttering, cleaning bathrooms, kitchen, doing the dishes, doing the family laundry, changing bed sheets, and then other tasks as assigned. This is in addition to the normal cleaning up after the kids. I'm not thrilled about these, but I think these should be doable when the kids are in school, so I don't really think it's going to be more hours.

On the whole, I think it sounds like a potentially cool opportunity that I might not get again, so I figure that I will take this adventure while I have the chance. My main worry is how easy it will be to make friends and have a life without knowing anyone there besides my NF.

It sounds amazing and I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm strangely excited for you (internet stranger) and this awesome opportunity.

You need to work out housekeeping expectation for when the kids are out of school. You won't be able to keep up with the regular duties. Do you have a contract now? If so, I don't understand why you wouldn't have one in HI. I'm certain you will make friends!

I think she means there won't be any penalties if she leaves for some unforeseeable reason before the end of two years (like making her pay back her moving expenses or something), but that they only want her to come if her initial intention is to stay for at least two years. That makes sense, because the cost of moving another adult is not insignificant, and if they're going to turn around in 3-6 months and hire a local (who would probably also come with a car), they will do that instead from the get-go.

That makes sense!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, Everyone, I'm the OP chiming in again. Thanks for all of your feedback.

I've had a few more discussions with MB and DB and haven't made a final decision yet, but am leaning toward going.

I think the situation will be pretty livable:

They haven't purchased a new house yet, but are searching now and plan to fly out later this winter to look at places. They say I'll have my own space like I do now and they may even try to find an option that would give me my own entrance which would be really nice.

They've offered me a slight raise ($200 per month more than I'm currently getting) which isn't huge, but I think is fine given that I won't have to pay for rent, utilities, or that much food.

They've also offered to buy a used car for my sole use if I will commit to going with the intention of staying long term (a couple years). We won't have a binding contract for that period of time, but they said they just want me to be forthright about my intentions going in.

The housekeeping expectations are regular vacuuming, mopping, dusting, de-cluttering, cleaning bathrooms, kitchen, doing the dishes, doing the family laundry, changing bed sheets, and then other tasks as assigned. This is in addition to the normal cleaning up after the kids. I'm not thrilled about these, but I think these should be doable when the kids are in school, so I don't really think it's going to be more hours.

On the whole, I think it sounds like a potentially cool opportunity that I might not get again, so I figure that I will take this adventure while I have the chance. My main worry is how easy it will be to make friends and have a life without knowing anyone there besides my NF.

It sounds amazing and I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm strangely excited for you (internet stranger) and this awesome opportunity.

You need to work out housekeeping expectation for when the kids are out of school. You won't be able to keep up with the regular duties. Do you have a contract now? If so, I don't understand why you wouldn't have one in HI. I'm certain you will make friends!

I think she means there won't be any penalties if she leaves for some unforeseeable reason before the end of two years (like making her pay back her moving expenses or something), but that they only want her to come if her initial intention is to stay for at least two years. That makes sense, because the cost of moving another adult is not insignificant, and if they're going to turn around in 3-6 months and hire a local (who would probably also come with a car), they will do that instead from the get-go.

Yep, this is what it is. We will have a contract, it won't have penalties for terminating it early though (oh, and I'm the OP obvs).

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I’m a nanny who lives in Hawaii. Yes it is beautiful, but coming here for a week or two on vacation and living here are very different.

I would advise you if at all possible to wait until after they look at housing before you agree to move with them. They may not realize how expensive housing and HOAs are here. I would be concerned that they may not be able to find something that checks all their boxes and has room for a live in nanny and that the nanny room would end up being sacrificed.

If you do agree to go with them the things I would suggest you think about for your nanny space would be
1. at least x number of sq ft. The number of three bedroom homes under 1000 sq ft is staggering.
2. Air conditioning. Unless the place was built or renovated in the last 15 years it won’t have it.
3. A dedicated parking spot. Parking, particularly in town, is a huge PITA. unless you want to be shlepping the family’s groceries half a mile you need parking.

How will the kids get back and forth from school? Will you be driving them? Traffic here is really bad. I work 15 miles from my house and it takes me an hour and a half to get to work and an hour ten to get home.

Also even though the COL here is very high the job market does not match. Minimum wage is $10. And most nanny jobs top out at 15-16 an hour for a live out with years of experience and a college degree. So they may realize that it is much cheaper for them to get a live out who is local than to support another adult.

Try to talk to people who have lived on Oahu. It is beautiful and I love it but just like any place it has its pros and cons. Best of luck making your decision and keep us updated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would like to say that the concern “this must have been in the works for a while” is not a reasonable one. Lots of items need to fall into place for a family to make such a decision (job offer, negotiations on the compensation, giving notice to the current employer, and whatever else). I would never share with a nanny the fact that I MIGHT be looking at new opportunities. I would also not share this with many friends or extended family, either.. The only time I would share with friends or coworkers is if I need their advice or that helps negotiations. This is a small world. It is possible information might reach one of the negotiating parties and have adverse impact. So there should be no expectation that a family will share such a big decision before it is final with anyone.

+1

Sounds like an exciting opportunity, OP, but as a family who moved (we did not offer to move our nanny as she is married and settled with her family in our old location), please try not to be offended about the fact that she didn't tell you until now. It took a lot of consideration on our part to decide to move, and it wasn't until everything fell in place that we were absolutely sure we would even do it. We didn't even mention it to our parents until we told our nanny. I just wouldn't want that to ruin what could otherwise be a super cool chance for you to live in HI for a bit.

[Anonymous]

I would be excited to go but will negotiate everything to get a really sweet deal first.

Personally I would tell them to hire a cleaning crew once or twice a month for the deep clean so that all you need to do is maintain. I would also ask for all days off when parents are off so you get time for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be excited to go but will negotiate everything to get a really sweet deal first.

Personally I would tell them to hire a cleaning crew once or twice a month for the deep clean so that all you need to do is maintain. I would also ask for all days off when parents are off so you get time for yourself.

OP’s family is likely not to want to hire a cleaning crew if they are expecting to have OP handle the deep cleaning. I was raised there and my family lives in East Oahu (Honolulu). They have a cleaning crew come bi monthly and it is expensive. People who are not from Hawaii do not realize how the higher costs of everything (except the tap water is excellent) add up quickly and are quite a shock to newcomers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, I’m a nanny who lives in Hawaii. Yes it is beautiful, but coming here for a week or two on vacation and living here are very different.

I would advise you if at all possible to wait until after they look at housing before you agree to move with them. They may not realize how expensive housing and HOAs are here. I would be concerned that they may not be able to find something that checks all their boxes and has room for a live in nanny and that the nanny room would end up being sacrificed.

If you do agree to go with them the things I would suggest you think about for your nanny space would be
1. at least x number of sq ft. The number of three bedroom homes under 1000 sq ft is staggering.
2. Air conditioning. Unless the place was built or renovated in the last 15 years it won’t have it.
3. A dedicated parking spot. Parking, particularly in town, is a huge PITA. unless you want to be shlepping the family’s groceries half a mile you need parking.

How will the kids get back and forth from school? Will you be driving them? Traffic here is really bad. I work 15 miles from my house and it takes me an hour and a half to get to work and an hour ten to get home.

Also even though the COL here is very high the job market does not match. Minimum wage is $10. And most nanny jobs top out at 15-16 an hour for a live out with years of experience and a college degree. So they may realize that it is much cheaper for them to get a live out who is local than to support another adult.

Try to talk to people who have lived on Oahu. It is beautiful and I love it but just like any place it has its pros and cons. Best of luck making your decision and keep us updated.

These are all spot-on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be excited to go but will negotiate everything to get a really sweet deal first.

Personally I would tell them to hire a cleaning crew once or twice a month for the deep clean so that all you need to do is maintain. I would also ask for all days off when parents are off so you get time for yourself.

OP’s family is likely not to want to hire a cleaning crew if they are expecting to have OP handle the deep cleaning. I was raised there and my family lives in East Oahu (Honolulu). They have a cleaning crew come bi monthly and it is expensive. People who are not from Hawaii do not realize how the higher costs of everything (except the tap water is excellent) add up quickly and are quite a shock to newcomers.

We have friends in HI and their cost of living/housing is the same as ours here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be excited to go but will negotiate everything to get a really sweet deal first.

Personally I would tell them to hire a cleaning crew once or twice a month for the deep clean so that all you need to do is maintain. I would also ask for all days off when parents are off so you get time for yourself.

OP’s family is likely not to want to hire a cleaning crew if they are expecting to have OP handle the deep cleaning. I was raised there and my family lives in East Oahu (Honolulu). They have a cleaning crew come bi monthly and it is expensive. People who are not from Hawaii do not realize how the higher costs of everything (except the tap water is excellent) add up quickly and are quite a shock to newcomers.

We have friends in HI and their cost of living/housing is the same as ours here.

And where is “here”?

[Anonymous]

Basic question - do you want to live in Hawaii? Are you outdoorsy? Do you love the ocean? Want to surf? Like hiking and beautiful scenery? If being outside makes you feel great and you don't mind tropical weather then do it. If you are a couch potato then its not the best place for you.

I would caution you to be prepared to come back after 2 years. If the nanny/housekeeping services are so much cheaper there and you aren't a very good housekeeper then it isn't a long term solution for either you or the family. Build some savings so that when you want to come back or go to a different city you will have some time to find the best position.

My suggestion is to learn how to cook really well. Its a good skill to have regardless of your profession. It will make your family never want to change to a cheaper nanny/housekeeper and it will make you more in demand. Cooking is much more enjoyable than housekeeping.