How to get a nanny back who quit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I got a response this morning. I talked to her and I apologized. I took your advice and told her she will never see my father again. He's kind of a jerk - already fat shames my mom and my SIL. I didn't think he would do it to our nanny. She has agreed to come back. We are excited.

DH is not fat shaming her. He spouts off things in general, not just weight. He's never commented on her weight. It's things like " you should eat this. It had so many antioxidants". You should "eat this - it's healthier". DH is a good guy and wouldn't purposely hurt her or anyone else's feelings.

It doesn't matter what *you* think your DH is doing, it matters what your nanny thinks. I would be insulted if he did this once, and if he did this continually... I would be looking for another position. I am overweight due to genetics, but I'm fully capable of running around after kids and keeping them moving. The only time I tolerate that question is during an interview, and I always offer to take the kids to the park and play tickle monster.Once the parents realize that I can run after 4+ kids to keep them moving, keep my eye on multiple kids and that my endurance is faaaaar longer than a child's, there's never a problem. I understand that they don't want a couch potato who will allow their children to sit and stagnate, so being able to prove my abilities (just like I prove my experience with discipline and education by offering suggestions about what might work when the parent is facing a new situation) isn't a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I got a response this morning. I talked to her and I apologized. I took your advice and told her she will never see my father again. He's kind of a jerk - already fat shames my mom and my SIL. I didn't think he would do it to our nanny. She has agreed to come back. We are excited.

DH is not fat shaming her. He spouts off things in general, not just weight. He's never commented on her weight. It's things like " you should eat this. It had so many antioxidants". You should "eat this - it's healthier". DH is a good guy and wouldn't purposely hurt her or anyone else's feelings.

I have a DH who is similar. The thing is, him being a good guy and not wanting to purposely hurt anyone's feelings doesn't excuse the spouting off. If someone is lacking that filter, they need to learn to have one. I get that they mean well, but that is still no excuse. Ultimately, it is no one's business to tell another to "eat this" for any reason. That's crossing a boundary that he needs to learn. I used to make excuses in my mind when DH was this way. Then I noticed it was putting people off, and I realized it's pushy and rude because it crosses that boundary, even if it's meant in a good way. I started talking to him about it after that.

In addition, you have to remember that this is an employer/employee dynamic! This is very different than family or friends. If a friend said "eat this, it's healthier for you", I'd be less affected or offended than if a boss said that. When a boss says anything to me, there is a feeling like you should comply because it's my boss. It's harder just to blow it off, and it already feels wrong and pushy, so then it feels more so because it's my boss. Totally not cool. He should have even more of a filter because she is an employee.

[Anonymous]

correction: "like [/b]I[b] should comply..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I got a response this morning. I talked to her and I apologized. I took your advice and told her she will never see my father again. He's kind of a jerk - already fat shames my mom and my SIL. I didn't think he would do it to our nanny. She has agreed to come back. We are excited.

DH is not fat shaming her. He spouts off things in general, not just weight. He's never commented on her weight. It's things like " you should eat this. It had so many antioxidants". You should "eat this - it's healthier". DH is a good guy and wouldn't purposely hurt her or anyone else's feelings.

I have a DH who is similar. The thing is, him being a good guy and not wanting to purposely hurt anyone's feelings doesn't excuse the spouting off. If someone is lacking that filter, they need to learn to have one. I get that they mean well, but that is still no excuse. Ultimately, it is no one's business to tell another to "eat this" for any reason. That's crossing a boundary that he needs to learn. I used to make excuses in my mind when DH was this way. Then I noticed it was putting people off, and I realized it's pushy and rude because it crosses that boundary, even if it's meant in a good way. I started talking to him about it after that.

In addition, you have to remember that this is an employer/employee dynamic! This is very different than family or friends. If a friend said "eat this, it's healthier for you", I'd be less affected or offended than if a boss said that. When a boss says anything to me, there is a feeling like you should comply because it's my boss. It's harder just to blow it off, and it already feels wrong and pushy, so then it feels more so because it's my boss. Totally not cool. He should have even more of a filter because she is an employee.

Exactly if my boss told me to eat grapefruit because it is so wonderful for me I would be upset. I really hate grapefruit. But I want to always do as I'm told by my boss. I can't just disobey my boss even over grapefruit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I got a response this morning. I talked to her and I apologized. I took your advice and told her she will never see my father again. He's kind of a jerk - already fat shames my mom and my SIL. I didn't think he would do it to our nanny. She has agreed to come back. We are excited.

DH is not fat shaming her. He spouts off things in general, not just weight. He's never commented on her weight. It's things like " you should eat this. It had so many antioxidants". You should "eat this - it's healthier". DH is a good guy and wouldn't purposely hurt her or anyone else's feelings.

I have a DH who is similar. The thing is, him being a good guy and not wanting to purposely hurt anyone's feelings doesn't excuse the spouting off. If someone is lacking that filter, they need to learn to have one. I get that they mean well, but that is still no excuse. Ultimately, it is no one's business to tell another to "eat this" for any reason. That's crossing a boundary that he needs to learn. I used to make excuses in my mind when DH was this way. Then I noticed it was putting people off, and I realized it's pushy and rude because it crosses that boundary, even if it's meant in a good way. I started talking to him about it after that.

In addition, you have to remember that this is an employer/employee dynamic! This is very different than family or friends. If a friend said "eat this, it's healthier for you", I'd be less affected or offended than if a boss said that. When a boss says anything to me, there is a feeling like you should comply because it's my boss. It's harder just to blow it off, and it already feels wrong and pushy, so then it feels more so because it's my boss. Totally not cool. He should have even more of a filter because she is an employee.

Exactly if my boss told me to eat grapefruit because it is so wonderful for me I would be upset. I really hate grapefruit. But I want to always do as I'm told by my boss. I can't just disobey my boss even over grapefruit

I don't know if the above response was meant to be sarcastic, or sincere. In any case, of course I didn't mean that you should eat what your boss says. I'm a grown up and will decide what I do and don't eat, no matter who says I should eat something. I meant that there is a difference when a boss says something pushy than when a non-boss does. There's that dynamic, and there should be even more of a filter with an employee.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, it sounds like your whole family has a really bad relationship with health and weight.

I'm horrified for what you say your father does. Does he treat you like this, too? This is extremely unhealthy and even bordering on abusive, in my opinion. NOT OKAY. How do your SIL and mother handle this? How do you handle this? Do people tell him that he can't talk to people like this? How is everyone putting up with this?

This is not going to be healthy for your child if he continues like this. It's a VERY bad situation.

As for your DH, he sounds like not a big deal but should learn not to say these things to people regularly or people he isn't extremely good friends with. He needs to realize that someone like your nanny might be anxious about extra weight she's put on.

I once rented a house with a shared kitchen from an old woman who regularly told me, "I can't believe you're going to eat that! You're going to get fat!" when I cooked dinner in the kitchen. It made me SO mad, especially because I had suffered from anorexia not too long before that and was aware that I needed to focus on just eating, not counting calories or worrying about fat. This sort of thing is NOT appropriate and can lead to really bad outcomes.