how many nannies is too many for a child?

[Anonymous]

Please ignore the weird nanny troll who knows nothing about attachment disorder but likes to bring it up every chance she gets.

She minimizes true attachment disorder by equating it with a nanny leaving and is truly ignorant about the topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never do this but I call troll. Someone is trying to stir up drama about too many caregivers being bad for children. This post doesn't even make sense. Why wouldn't you hire a new nanny unless you don't need childcare in which case why did you have a nanny to begin with. If you are thinking about daycare instead any normal parent would have said "our nanny just left and we are thinking of switching to daycare" not "we are thinking about not hiring another one because its bad for the children." I'm sorry but no MB/DB wrote this. And by the way, it's "TOO traumatic" not "TO traumatic."

Ultimately, we all have choices. I can choose not to have another nanny, and it will have repercussions throughout the rest of our family life.
But I am tired of the officious and demeaning behavior of people whom I have allowed into the hearts of the ones I love the most.

What repercussions?

Repercussions... Not bad ones, but less income, less stress, less running around like a crazy person trying to make enough to pay a nanny and contribute to our household, all while feeling horribly guilty that I am not taking care of my own children. My whole point was that anyone can decide to do what I am doing, and reassume the role of being the primary caregiver. It is very freeing to me.

Yes of course. Lots of people make that decision every day and if that's what you think is best for your family then that's absolutely what you should do. What doesn't make sense to me is to say you are making that decision because your children are too traumatized when your nanny leaves and you don't want to do that again. Especially since your nanny was only working 30 hrs/week. I have always worked part-time so we have always have part-time nannies. Because of several moves we have had quite a few nannies and neither of my children have ever had any problem with that. If you want to stay home that's great for you but your reasoning just doesn't make sense to me.

I also think it would be different with a move. And maybe our children are different from one another. Mine are very sad right now.

Sad right now, sure. But that doesn't mean they're traumatized for life. I think you're the one that's traumatized. Which makes sense! It's the adults having to find, interview, hire, and trust a new person with their kids. That's a lot of work. So your decision to not hire another nanny is a valid one for yourself, but I just don't want you to go around thinking that every child that's had more than 2 nannies in their lifetime is severely traumatized by it, because kids bounce back quicker than you think.

That's not at all what she said, and you know it. You really need to study up on attatchment, and learn a few things. Your ignorance is astounding for an adult parent.

PP again, and I'm a Nanny, not a parent. To me the word trauma implies some sort of long lasting effect. So to be traumatized because your nanny is leaving means that it will have some sort of effect on you down the road. As a nanny, that has not been my experience at all. While children may be sad in the short term because of a leaving nanny, they usually quickly get over it as long as they are sufficiently attached to their parents- which 99% of the time they are. But finding and keeping a nanny can be a LOT of work for parents, and I can understand how the sudden leaving of a nanny and the thought of having to go through that all again (and potentially several more times until both kids are in school full time) can make a parent want to call it quits.

Why don't you study attatchment?

I'm not the PP but I think you are the one who needs to read up on attachment. We aren't talking about a parent leaving. This is a part-time nanny. Either find some legitimate research that shows that a PART-TIME nanny leaving causes long term issues for children (and post a link) or stop trying to convince people they should do everything possible to keep a nanny and never ever let them go. All this does is tell people you are a bad nanny (or not a nanny at all) trying to keep your job.

What are you so afraid of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord. Soooo much drama. Your kids will be fine, except that you're very dramatic. You had a nanny leave after two years and you're "disappointed that you trusted her with your children's hearts and she behaved like a callous retail employee"?!?!

Jeez.

Your kids will have issues, but not because a nanny left.

Yes that does sound pretty melodramatic, it is really funny to read. But at the same time, I expected more from her. Clearly we have different expectations, and that is okay.

It's totally fine and acceptable to be annoyed and disappointed that she is leaving when you didn't expect it. It's also fine to complain about it on DCUM (just know that because it's DCUM you will get all sorts of nasty comments in addition to those who sympathize). It's just the melodrama about your children's hearts that are making people question you. But glad you can see the humor in your melodrama. Eventually the disappointment and irritation will wear off but in the mean time it's ok to complain.

I do see the humor in my melodrama. But my kids are not taking this lightly. This woman was really part of our family, or so we thought. She was play-acting. I think she really manipulated us for all that she could, and when she got to the end of the line, she left without a minutes' notice. She was part of our emotional fabric, and I guess the true lesson is one that we have learned, in terms of not setting those boundaries better ourselves. I think that is actually what I have been reacting to, disappointment in my own ability to protect my children from someone who was unreliable.

And while DCUM is full of bat-sh(*$ crazy, it is also full of the straight truth. And I feel like I figured out the problem here, which was just how much we loved her, and trusted her, gave her... Make fun of me all you want. I am just watching my kids' form emotional scabs, and it hurts. They are so raw with loss. I don't care what anyone says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord. Soooo much drama. Your kids will be fine, except that you're very dramatic. You had a nanny leave after two years and you're "disappointed that you trusted her with your children's hearts and she behaved like a callous retail employee"?!?!

Jeez.

Your kids will have issues, but not because a nanny left.

Yes that does sound pretty melodramatic, it is really funny to read. But at the same time, I expected more from her. Clearly we have different expectations, and that is okay.

It's totally fine and acceptable to be annoyed and disappointed that she is leaving when you didn't expect it. It's also fine to complain about it on DCUM (just know that because it's DCUM you will get all sorts of nasty comments in addition to those who sympathize). It's just the melodrama about your children's hearts that are making people question you. But glad you can see the humor in your melodrama. Eventually the disappointment and irritation will wear off but in the mean time it's ok to complain.

I do see the humor in my melodrama. But my kids are not taking this lightly. This woman was really part of our family, or so we thought. She was play-acting. I think she really manipulated us for all that she could, and when she got to the end of the line, she left without a minutes' notice. She was part of our emotional fabric, and I guess the true lesson is one that we have learned, in terms of not setting those boundaries better ourselves. I think that is actually what I have been reacting to, disappointment in my own ability to protect my children from someone who was unreliable.

And while DCUM is full of bat-sh(*$ crazy, it is also full of the straight truth. And I feel like I figured out the problem here, which was just how much we loved her, and trusted her, gave her... Make fun of me all you want. I am just watching my kids' form emotional scabs, and it hurts. They are so raw with loss. I don't care what anyone says.

Hugs to you, OP. I write this as a nanny who has left behind a piece of my heart with every child I've cared for. The eventual separation is the meanest part of my work. I wish more parents were like you, sensitive to the bond established. Shattered bonds aren't good for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord. Soooo much drama. Your kids will be fine, except that you're very dramatic. You had a nanny leave after two years and you're "disappointed that you trusted her with your children's hearts and she behaved like a callous retail employee"?!?!

Jeez.

Your kids will have issues, but not because a nanny left.

Yes that does sound pretty melodramatic, it is really funny to read. But at the same time, I expected more from her. Clearly we have different expectations, and that is okay.

It's totally fine and acceptable to be annoyed and disappointed that she is leaving when you didn't expect it. It's also fine to complain about it on DCUM (just know that because it's DCUM you will get all sorts of nasty comments in addition to those who sympathize). It's just the melodrama about your children's hearts that are making people question you. But glad you can see the humor in your melodrama. Eventually the disappointment and irritation will wear off but in the mean time it's ok to complain.

I do see the humor in my melodrama. But my kids are not taking this lightly. This woman was really part of our family, or so we thought. She was play-acting. I think she really manipulated us for all that she could, and when she got to the end of the line, she left without a minutes' notice. She was part of our emotional fabric, and I guess the true lesson is one that we have learned, in terms of not setting those boundaries better ourselves. I think that is actually what I have been reacting to, disappointment in my own ability to protect my children from someone who was unreliable.

And while DCUM is full of bat-sh(*$ crazy, it is also full of the straight truth. And I feel like I figured out the problem here, which was just how much we loved her, and trusted her, gave her... Make fun of me all you want. I am just watching my kids' form emotional scabs, and it hurts. They are so raw with loss. I don't care what anyone says.

Hugs to you, OP. I write this as a nanny who has left behind a piece of my heart with every child I've cared for. The eventual separation is the meanest part of my work. I wish more parents were like you, sensitive to the bond established. Shattered bonds aren't good for anyone.

Thank you, you sounds like someone who truly cares.

I wish we had worked with someone who gave a damn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord. Soooo much drama. Your kids will be fine, except that you're very dramatic. You had a nanny leave after two years and you're "disappointed that you trusted her with your children's hearts and she behaved like a callous retail employee"?!?!

Jeez.

Your kids will have issues, but not because a nanny left.

Yes that does sound pretty melodramatic, it is really funny to read. But at the same time, I expected more from her. Clearly we have different expectations, and that is okay.

It's totally fine and acceptable to be annoyed and disappointed that she is leaving when you didn't expect it. It's also fine to complain about it on DCUM (just know that because it's DCUM you will get all sorts of nasty comments in addition to those who sympathize). It's just the melodrama about your children's hearts that are making people question you. But glad you can see the humor in your melodrama. Eventually the disappointment and irritation will wear off but in the mean time it's ok to complain.

I do see the humor in my melodrama. But my kids are not taking this lightly. This woman was really part of our family, or so we thought. She was play-acting. I think she really manipulated us for all that she could, and when she got to the end of the line, she left without a minutes' notice. She was part of our emotional fabric, and I guess the true lesson is one that we have learned, in terms of not setting those boundaries better ourselves. I think that is actually what I have been reacting to, disappointment in my own ability to protect my children from someone who was unreliable.

And while DCUM is full of bat-sh(*$ crazy, it is also full of the straight truth. And I feel like I figured out the problem here, which was just how much we loved her, and trusted her, gave her... Make fun of me all you want. I am just watching my kids' form emotional scabs, and it hurts. They are so raw with loss. I don't care what anyone says.

Hugs to you, OP. I write this as a nanny who has left behind a piece of my heart with every child I've cared for. The eventual separation is the meanest part of my work. I wish more parents were like you, sensitive to the bond established. Shattered bonds aren't good for anyone.

Thank you, you sounds like someone who truly cares.

I wish we had worked with someone who gave a damn.

OP, you need to work this issue out before you go forward hiring any more nannies. Leaving a position for one that pays more (regardless of what your personal opinions are about her financial need) does not mean your nanny did not give a damn. It's still a job, at the end of the day, and she is allowed to move of.
It sounds like there was more at play here that you are not either aware of or letting on about.

Regardless, if you think everyone that leave your family (especially after 2 years!) is a horrible, thoughtless and deceitful person, you are going to be in a world of hurt time after time.

Perhaps you are just not a good candidate to employ a nanny...try looking at yourself first next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord. Soooo much drama. Your kids will be fine, except that you're very dramatic. You had a nanny leave after two years and you're "disappointed that you trusted her with your children's hearts and she behaved like a callous retail employee"?!?!

Jeez.

Your kids will have issues, but not because a nanny left.

Yes that does sound pretty melodramatic, it is really funny to read. But at the same time, I expected more from her. Clearly we have different expectations, and that is okay.

It's totally fine and acceptable to be annoyed and disappointed that she is leaving when you didn't expect it. It's also fine to complain about it on DCUM (just know that because it's DCUM you will get all sorts of nasty comments in addition to those who sympathize). It's just the melodrama about your children's hearts that are making people question you. But glad you can see the humor in your melodrama. Eventually the disappointment and irritation will wear off but in the mean time it's ok to complain.

I do see the humor in my melodrama. But my kids are not taking this lightly. This woman was really part of our family, or so we thought. She was play-acting. I think she really manipulated us for all that she could, and when she got to the end of the line, she left without a minutes' notice. She was part of our emotional fabric, and I guess the true lesson is one that we have learned, in terms of not setting those boundaries better ourselves. I think that is actually what I have been reacting to, disappointment in my own ability to protect my children from someone who was unreliable.

And while DCUM is full of bat-sh(*$ crazy, it is also full of the straight truth. And I feel like I figured out the problem here, which was just how much we loved her, and trusted her, gave her... Make fun of me all you want. I am just watching my kids' form emotional scabs, and it hurts. They are so raw with loss. I don't care what anyone says.

Hugs to you, OP. I write this as a nanny who has left behind a piece of my heart with every child I've cared for. The eventual separation is the meanest part of my work. I wish more parents were like you, sensitive to the bond established. Shattered bonds aren't good for anyone.

Thank you, you sounds like someone who truly cares.

I wish we had worked with someone who gave a damn.

OP, you need to work this issue out before you go forward hiring any more nannies. Leaving a position for one that pays more (regardless of what your personal opinions are about her financial need) does not mean your nanny did not give a damn. It's still a job, at the end of the day, and she is allowed to move of.
It sounds like there was more at play here that you are not either aware of or letting on about.

Regardless, if you think everyone that leave your family (especially after 2 years!) is a horrible, thoughtless and deceitful person, you are going to be in a world of hurt time after time.

Perhaps you are just not a good candidate to employ a nanny...try looking at yourself first next time.

Am not OP, but I will say, you don't seem to grasp to full picture here. Just my observation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord. Soooo much drama. Your kids will be fine, except that you're very dramatic. You had a nanny leave after two years and you're "disappointed that you trusted her with your children's hearts and she behaved like a callous retail employee"?!?!

Jeez.

Your kids will have issues, but not because a nanny left.

Yes that does sound pretty melodramatic, it is really funny to read. But at the same time, I expected more from her. Clearly we have different expectations, and that is okay.

It's totally fine and acceptable to be annoyed and disappointed that she is leaving when you didn't expect it. It's also fine to complain about it on DCUM (just know that because it's DCUM you will get all sorts of nasty comments in addition to those who sympathize). It's just the melodrama about your children's hearts that are making people question you. But glad you can see the humor in your melodrama. Eventually the disappointment and irritation will wear off but in the mean time it's ok to complain.

I do see the humor in my melodrama. But my kids are not taking this lightly. This woman was really part of our family, or so we thought. She was play-acting. I think she really manipulated us for all that she could, and when she got to the end of the line, she left without a minutes' notice. She was part of our emotional fabric, and I guess the true lesson is one that we have learned, in terms of not setting those boundaries better ourselves. I think that is actually what I have been reacting to, disappointment in my own ability to protect my children from someone who was unreliable.

And while DCUM is full of bat-sh(*$ crazy, it is also full of the straight truth. And I feel like I figured out the problem here, which was just how much we loved her, and trusted her, gave her... Make fun of me all you want. I am just watching my kids' form emotional scabs, and it hurts. They are so raw with loss. I don't care what anyone says.

Hugs to you, OP. I write this as a nanny who has left behind a piece of my heart with every child I've cared for. The eventual separation is the meanest part of my work. I wish more parents were like you, sensitive to the bond established. Shattered bonds aren't good for anyone.

Thank you, you sounds like someone who truly cares.

I wish we had worked with someone who gave a damn.

OP, you need to work this issue out before you go forward hiring any more nannies. Leaving a position for one that pays more (regardless of what your personal opinions are about her financial need) does not mean your nanny did not give a damn. It's still a job, at the end of the day, and she is allowed to move of.
It sounds like there was more at play here that you are not either aware of or letting on about.

Regardless, if you think everyone that leave your family (especially after 2 years!) is a horrible, thoughtless and deceitful person, you are going to be in a world of hurt time after time.

Perhaps you are just not a good candidate to employ a nanny...try looking at yourself first next time.

Am not OP, but I will say, you don't seem to grasp to full picture here. Just my observation.

Oh no, I grasp the picture. OP gave few details other than that her nanny left (EVEN though she didn't NEED to make more money because her rich husband supported her, the nerve) and now her children are traumatized. Something in her story is conspicuously lacking, and I am merely pointing out that perhaps the missing puzzle piece is self-reflection on OPs part. The melodrama of this whole thread is absurd, and the fact that everyone is coddling OP and making assumptions about her nanny with NO information speaks volumes (as usual) to the crowd here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord. Soooo much drama. Your kids will be fine, except that you're very dramatic. You had a nanny leave after two years and you're "disappointed that you trusted her with your children's hearts and she behaved like a callous retail employee"?!?!

Jeez.

Your kids will have issues, but not because a nanny left.

Yes that does sound pretty melodramatic, it is really funny to read. But at the same time, I expected more from her. Clearly we have different expectations, and that is okay.

It's totally fine and acceptable to be annoyed and disappointed that she is leaving when you didn't expect it. It's also fine to complain about it on DCUM (just know that because it's DCUM you will get all sorts of nasty comments in addition to those who sympathize). It's just the melodrama about your children's hearts that are making people question you. But glad you can see the humor in your melodrama. Eventually the disappointment and irritation will wear off but in the mean time it's ok to complain.

I do see the humor in my melodrama. But my kids are not taking this lightly. This woman was really part of our family, or so we thought. She was play-acting. I think she really manipulated us for all that she could, and when she got to the end of the line, she left without a minutes' notice. She was part of our emotional fabric, and I guess the true lesson is one that we have learned, in terms of not setting those boundaries better ourselves. I think that is actually what I have been reacting to, disappointment in my own ability to protect my children from someone who was unreliable.

And while DCUM is full of bat-sh(*$ crazy, it is also full of the straight truth. And I feel like I figured out the problem here, which was just how much we loved her, and trusted her, gave her... Make fun of me all you want. I am just watching my kids' form emotional scabs, and it hurts. They are so raw with loss. I don't care what anyone says.

Hugs to you, OP. I write this as a nanny who has left behind a piece of my heart with every child I've cared for. The eventual separation is the meanest part of my work. I wish more parents were like you, sensitive to the bond established. Shattered bonds aren't good for anyone.

Thank you, you sounds like someone who truly cares.

I wish we had worked with someone who gave a damn.

OP, you need to work this issue out before you go forward hiring any more nannies. Leaving a position for one that pays more (regardless of what your personal opinions are about her financial need) does not mean your nanny did not give a damn. It's still a job, at the end of the day, and she is allowed to move of.
It sounds like there was more at play here that you are not either aware of or letting on about.

Regardless, if you think everyone that leave your family (especially after 2 years!) is a horrible, thoughtless and deceitful person, you are going to be in a world of hurt time after time.

Perhaps you are just not a good candidate to employ a nanny...try looking at yourself first next time.

Am not OP, but I will say, you don't seem to grasp to full picture here. Just my observation.

Oh no, I grasp the picture. OP gave few details other than that her nanny left (EVEN though she didn't NEED to make more money because her rich husband supported her, the nerve) and now her children are traumatized. Something in her story is conspicuously lacking, and I am merely pointing out that perhaps the missing puzzle piece is self-reflection on OPs part. The melodrama of this whole thread is absurd, and the fact that everyone is coddling OP and making assumptions about her nanny with NO information speaks volumes (as usual) to the crowd here.

OP here. What is conspicuously lacking is any information from the nanny! We have no idea why she left. I don't think she was underpaid - 33k. She is a college student. We paid her to study during breaks. We asked her to do nearly nothing for several hours of the day. I think it is over-entitlement. In any case, we will never know. Judge me all you want. All I was saying is that some jobs are not just jobs, that's all. We deserved better, and were blindsided. There is no amount of self-reflection that would have improved this. Yes there are big pieces of the story missing... for us as well. Why don't you ask my children where she is, and why?

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to work this issue out before you go forward hiring any more nannies. Leaving a position for one that pays more (regardless of what your personal opinions are about her financial need) does not mean your nanny did not give a damn. It's still a job, at the end of the day, and she is allowed to move of.
It sounds like there was more at play here that you are not either aware of or letting on about.

Regardless, if you think everyone that leave your family (especially after 2 years!) is a horrible, thoughtless and deceitful person, you are going to be in a world of hurt time after time.

Perhaps you are just not a good candidate to employ a nanny...try looking at yourself first next time.

It is not the fact she left. It is the fact she left without giving us any indication that she was unhappy, and without even TWO hours of notice. Are you really defending that as professional behavior? I don't think self-reflection helps on this one... Not even conjecture. Anyway, good riddance to someone so lame, and to anyone willing to suggest that is acceptable behavior.

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to so many, many children who feel abandoned this way. Hugs to OP. At least she's sensitive to the reality of having revolving door nannies.

Most parents and nannies refuse to even consider the long-range repercussions of these early childhood experiences, just when the establishment of bonds with primary caregivers is so critical to healthy development.

And we wonder why our kids are having so many problems down the road. Strong foundations make a difference. Denial does nothing to change the sad truth.

[Anonymous]

So a college student worked for you for two years and then left, perhaps abruptly?

That sounds to me like a very successful tenure, especially for a college student.

You were expecting what?

I really think you're WAY over the top OP. You are an employer, you had an employee whose tenure was fairly long-term given the situation. You had a stable nanny whom you now need to replace.

This is not the end of the world. If you stop making it such a massive loss then your children will also.

[Anonymous]

It is of course not "very successful" to leave someone with zero notice, as OP has indicated is the case. If her kids loved this person and then she basically dropped off the face of the earth with no good bye or explanation yeah, i think that's going to be really upsetting and make them leary of future similar bonds in a way that adjusting to losing a nanny to a move or something else that they had time to process might not. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So a college student worked for you for two years and then left, perhaps abruptly?

That sounds to me like a very successful tenure, especially for a college student.

You were expecting what?

I really think you're WAY over the top OP. You are an employer, you had an employee whose tenure was fairly long-term given the situation. You had a stable nanny whom you now need to replace.

This is not the end of the world. If you stop making it such a massive loss then your children will also.

How many nannies have your kids had so far? How old are they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart goes out to so many, many children who feel abandoned this way. Hugs to OP. At least she's sensitive to the reality of having revolving door nannies.

Most parents and nannies refuse to even consider the long-range repercussions of these early childhood experiences, just when the establishment of bonds with primary caregivers is so critical to healthy development.

And we wonder why our kids are having so many problems down the road. Strong foundations make a difference. Denial does nothing to change the sad truth.

A part-time nanny is NOT a primary caregiver. That's not to say OPs children won't miss the nanny but if they have good loving parents they most certainly will not feel abandoned. My children like their part-time nanny and are very happy with her but when she isn't around (like for vacation) they don't ever mention her. They'd much rather be with me because despite their "bond" with the nanny they are with me much more than with her. It's not denial, it's the truth.