Need help processing incident with nanny

[Anonymous]

We have a part-time nanny this summer. She is a great person-patient, kind and creative.

Today she took my three small children to the playground and apparently they were very demanding and unpleasant to her. She texted me to tell me she was coming home early and that in fact she needed to leave early (implying that things had gone very bad and she needed a break). We have a VERY flexible schedule and often schedule hours the day of. She is home from college and works an internship and has other activities so we schedule daily hours here and there.

I tried to process things a bit with her when she got home- to get examples of the kids' behavior. She said they were demanding and rude and whined/cried the whole time. It sounded miserable and I have had days like this with them, it's unfortunately not atypical for them when they are over-tired or just having a bad day. They can be very overwhelming- not so much in terms of behavior like hitting, but just exhausting in terms of whininess, weepiness and rude demands ("come here now! help me now!, etc)

She is heading back to school soon so I don't really know how much processing to do at this point. I asked if she would like to take tomorrow off and she is scheduled to come help us on Friday. After she left I tried to process with my kids about what happened and we talked about how they could make it better, apologize for their behavior and try again.

I have advised my nanny in the past that when she is out with the kids and they are acting up- she might set a limit with them and if they do not respect the limit to come home. It sounds like she waited until she was really at her wit's end before saying it's time to go home. We have a relatively open relationship and I want to ask her if she is okay- if she is burnt out, if she is taking care of herself. I tried to emphasize with her on the way out today and she just seemed miserable, teary-eyed, etc.

Thoughts on what to say or do? I said I would email her tonight to process a bit more and work out details for next few days.

[Anonymous]

She sounds young. I know when I was younger things might bother me that wouldn't now and I didn't have the coping mechanisms I have now either. Could also be PMS. I wouldn't over think it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she's young, a bit inexperienced, and burnt out from dealing with 3 bratty children

[Anonymous]

+1 on not overthinking it. She'll be fine and the position is ending soon. I'd worry more about working with your kids as far as their behavior and how it affects other people, and try to use it as an opportunity for them to understand that acting like this causes other people to not want to spend time with them (assuming they like your nanny and want her to come be with them). They need to understand what it is they did that triggered her reaction, what they need to do to make it right, and how they should behave in the future. If she's going to be around for at least a few more weeks and your kids are old enough, I'd also set some very, very clear expectations in a meeting with you, nanny, and kids ("when x happens, Nanny will give you one warning. If it happens again, you will go home and you will sit in your room for 20 minutes" or whatever is age appropriate and in line with your discipline approach). Your nanny will go back to school, but this will continue to be an issue with other caregivers if you don't nip it in the bud. Good luck--it's no fun, I know!

[Anonymous]

She sounds young and immature and your kids unfortunately sound like snots. I would remember not to use nanny for babysitting next summer and I would discipline the kids well(and explain why) so this does not become an issue later and chase other caregivers away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 on not overthinking it. She'll be fine and the position is ending soon. I'd worry more about working with your kids as far as their behavior and how it affects other people, and try to use it as an opportunity for them to understand that acting like this causes other people to not want to spend time with them (assuming they like your nanny and want her to come be with them). They need to understand what it is they did that triggered her reaction, what they need to do to make it right, and how they should behave in the future. If she's going to be around for at least a few more weeks and your kids are old enough, I'd also set some very, very clear expectations in a meeting with you, nanny, and kids ("when x happens, Nanny will give you one warning. If it happens again, you will go home and you will sit in your room for 20 minutes" or whatever is age appropriate and in line with your discipline approach). Your nanny will go back to school, but this will continue to be an issue with other caregivers if you don't nip it in the bud. Good luck--it's no fun, I know!

OP here, Thanks. This is actually a discussion we had with the nanny at the beginning of the summer. I don't think she asserts herself or sets limits -maybe just a lack of experience or not wanting to be the "bad guy". Maybe we will have a discussion to reiterate this. As I mentioned, the nanny is great, we all love her. I'd feel awful if the summer ended with her feeling like my kids are awful.

The kids do really love her. I explained to them that when they are rude to her she does not want to be around them anymore and that they need to really think up some ways to make things right again. The two oldest were very agreeable to this. The youngest is two and apparently didn't act up that much today (she generally has an easier temperament).

[Anonymous]

I was a FT summer nanny throughout college, and remember dealing with situations like you describe. I recall one particular moment where after telling a child (5 yo) several times that she needed to go to her room so she could have a chance to have a break and regroup, and was met with her continuous refusal, whining, complaining, etc, I shouted something to the effect of "LARLA STOP!" My outburst was shocking to us both, and certainly isn't something I'm proud of, but I do think it really helped her realize I was at my endpoint. Afterwards we apologized and moved on to have a great rest of the summer.

I think kids sometimes have a difficult time feeling empathy for adults. And that's fair enough as they're still learning and don't really understand what adults deal with each day. But a day like the one you describe is a great opportunity to explore this empathy. In your case I think this is not just an opportunity to evaluate their own behavior as you mentioned, but also to evaluate the idea that grown-ups have feelings too. And kids are fully capable of hurting the feelings of adults by ignoring them/misbehaving. When I've had this type of "you are capable of hurting my feelings' conversation with a child, it's typically been mind blowing to them. So it might be a worthwhile conversation after the type of day you've all had.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are brats. I would kill my kid if she talked like yours did. Come here "now"? Help me "now"? Children absolutely do NOT make demands of adults. You should talk to her about how to punish them when they think it's okay to talk that way.

[Anonymous]

Your nanny sounds like a child herself. She can't handle two kids who are having a whiny day? (You said your third was not "acting up"). She is so traumatized she needed to leave work early? Yikes, I'd never trust such an incompetent person to care for my kids.

True, your kids sound like they were annoying. But all kids are annoying and good caregivers have strategies for dealing with it.

You're enabling your nanny by even thinking of giving her a day off because your kids were "demanding and rude". No matter how much you like her, you need to expect she can actually do her job when it gets difficult. What would happen in the case of an actual emergency? Would she melt in a puddle of tears, expecting days off and you asking if she is taking care of herself?

Seriously, you are doing her no favors coddling her.

[Anonymous]

She may be young but your kids are spoiled brats.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

I had a day like that (several, probably, but one stands out). I think my charges were 3, 8 and 11 then, or maybe all a year younger. It was summer vacation as well and the whole day was arguing, being 'bored', fighting over nothing, winding each other up, being completely disrespectful to me, slamming doors, etc. The culmination was when we were in the pool and the 8yo pushed his older sister in at an awkward angle and smashed her head into the edge (she was okay)... throughout all which the 3yo was fine, but they are demanding on the best of days and need attention and need company, so I absolutely see how your nanny would be driven crazy with trying to play nicely with the little one while the older ones were being bratty.

So I took mine home, told them to go to their rooms and not come out until they were going to speak to me and each other nicely. They were stewing an hour later when their parents came home so it really was a bad day. Long story short, the next morning I was met with a lovely note with apologies ('appologies', I still have it) and promises to treat each other and me nicely and suggestions on what we could do that day. We had a chat about intentionally upsetting others and how it makes me sad and cross when they shout at me, and how much less likely I am to do something they want to do if they don't do what I ask them to do.

They were really good for a long time after that no good very bad day. I know their parents spoke to them as well about hurting other people's feelings by their awful behaviour, and we also cracked down a bit on discipline. So in the long run it ended up being a good thing! But I know in the moment I was quite upset and wound up. It also takes a while to learn not to take things personally, so your nanny probably just needs an evening to regroup.

If I were you, next time she comes in, I would casually tell her you hope she was okay after your kids were so awful and that you had a long chat with them and they see the error of their ways and promise to do better (maybe have them apologise, if they're willing), then have a little sit down with her and the kids and talk about consequences of their actions in the future.

Now, I don't know if your kids are super rude and whiny all the time, I hope they're not - but it seems like you see that there was a problem and you're willing to address it, which makes you a great parent to work for (as opposed to the my special snowflake can do no wrong kind of parent). All kids have bad days, all nannies get overwhelmed sometimes (especially younger ones with not much experience), so learn from it and move on.

[Anonymous]

I have had similar problems with my kids behaviour. Off on a tangent here, but have you tried eliminating food colouring from your kids' diets? We have discovered a direct relationship between our kids' behaviour and consumption of any food or drink with "colour". In Europe, it is banned from food due to research into this effect! What this means is no pop like orange soda, no popsicles, and reading food labels closely. Lots of cereals, even 'adult' ones, have colour. We stick with whole foods, limited processed food, make our own popsivel and have only real fruit juice, which you can mix with fizzy mineral water to dilute into 'pop'. Anyway, you might want to consider this. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here,
Thanks for all of the helpful responses. I have had some time to think it over as have the kids. The kids wrote the nanny apology cards yesterday and we have some strategies in place to help make today be successful- including consequences and limits.

The kids know they are supposed to speak respectfully, but like any human being they make mistakes. I do wish the nanny had corrected them the first time this happened vs. waiting until things imploded. I think when kids are acting out like that they are ASKING for a limit to be set. The nanny may be young and less assertive at times, but you should see the way she plays and talks with them. No, she is not perfect and neither are my kids but for the most part we have had a great summer. That is why yesterday was really upsetting for everyone.

In any case, the summer is ending soon. I have a lot to think about and I know one goal is to help them build frustration tolerance and empathy for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had similar problems with my kids behaviour. Off on a tangent here, but have you tried eliminating food colouring from your kids' diets? We have discovered a direct relationship between our kids' behaviour and consumption of any food or drink with "colour". In Europe, it is banned from food due to research into this effect! What this means is no pop like orange soda, no popsicles, and reading food labels closely. Lots of cereals, even 'adult' ones, have colour. We stick with whole foods, limited processed food, make our own popsivel and have only real fruit juice, which you can mix with fizzy mineral water to dilute into 'pop'. Anyway, you might want to consider this. Good luck!

OP here, I'm not sure about food dyes. I do know that they probably had more sugar yesterday and they were tired because the two year old had a rough night the night prior. I don't excuse poor behavior because of these things, but it does help me understand why they had a rougher time.