Hard to be the employers we want to be

[Anonymous]

Our nanny suffered a sudden death in her family so called today to tell us she's leaving the country for 6 weeks. We are working on interim arrangements, and have an agency we can use etc... But I'm doing the math and this is going to be really hard. We plan to maintain the nanny's salary even though she only has leave for about a third of the time she'll be away, so we have our regular expenses there, on top of which we'll be paying a temporary nanny a full 50 hours a week, taxes on that nanny as well since we'll exceed the annual compensation, and daily agency fees.

It's going to be a financial strain for sure, and an emotional/logistical one also. So I guess I'm just venting a bit - I don't really have a question. Maintaining our nanny's salary is something we really want to do for her - she doesn't have a big financial cushion and she's been with us for more than 2 years, but when my husband and I immediately agreed that this is what we wanted to do we hadn't fully grasped the extent of the financials. And I also know that no matter who we find to fill the gap it will be a tremendous amount more work for me - you can just step into the shoes of someone who's been in a job for 2 years. So I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, and I'm ashamed to say that I'm also feeling a little bit sorry for myself - which is awful given the loss she experienced. But 6 weeks on a couple of hours notice is tough to manage with as much grace as I'd like to be able to show.

But hey, if I'm going to show my worst then where better than DCUM right?! (Is there an emoticon for "weak smile"?)

[Anonymous]

Keeping her job for her is more than some employers would do. A death in a family is terrible. Taking 6 weeks off for it is insane unless maybe it was her own child.

[Anonymous]

It was her mom, in South America.

6 weeks does seem really long to me, and it wasn't as though we were consulted. But I don't want to judge someone else's grief and it makes me feel crummy to even think that way.

There just isn't a version of this (except I guess for one where money is no object at all, which isn't our reality) that feels good.

[Anonymous]

The loss of your nanny's mom is obviously terrible for her, but as a nanny myself I couldn't imagine just up and leaving my family for six weeks without even telling them in advance. I get that she may not have expected her mother's death, and that she needs to take time to recover/be with family, but most jobs wouldn't just be held for people to up and leave for six weeks and then come back. Would you be able to do that at your job, expect to get paid the whole time, and then come back and have nothing change?

Idk, even as a nanny I feel like this is just something that some nannies feel that they are entitled to do just because it IS hard for families to find someone that they trust to have around their children, and then they take families for granted. Maybe not the case here, but I can't help but wondering.

[Anonymous]

To put it in context...most job give three days of paid leave for the death of immediate family member. Large employers MIGHT have to provide fmla in sone circumstances but that is unpaid. Doesn't apply here.

She should be gracious about you allowing her to take 6 weeks UNPAID leave. I wouldn't pay her for anything beyond her normal earned leave.

[Anonymous]

You are in a really tough situation and I know you care about your nanny and want to do the right thing. The reality is though that there is no job anywhere in which you could pick up and leave for six weeks for the death of a family member and expect to be paid for it without having the vacation time accrued. Can you compromise? Let her take two weeks vacation and then pay her half time or some other percentage for the remainder? Or (assuming she ends up coming back) pay her for the other four weeks but then have her take a day unpaid for the next 20 weeks to even it out? Either way, I sympathize - I know she is important to you and you want to do the kind thing. But in your shoes, no way we'd be able to pay essentially double for childcare for a month plus. It's a tough thing to be asked.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a kind and generous spirit. I think you are on the right track. I don't know what your nannies cultural norms are but I would not be surprised if the whole suck it up and get back to your cubicle mentality was very different from her own. In your case, I do believe it would be fair to strive for a compromise so that both parties are having to give. If you wanted to explain that you were caught off guard by the costs and are still able to cover three weeks the offer would still be generous.

[Anonymous]

Don't beat yourself up, OP. You're very kind to keep her job open for six weeks, which is excessive time off for a death in the family. PP is correct, most employers allow three days bereavement leave.

I think you should pay her for her leave time, then allow the remainder of the time unpaid leave and guarantee her job when she returns. This would provide you some financial relief for the incredible inconvenience, yet allow you to help your nanny out during this time.

[Anonymous]

I can understand her needing 6 weeks - she may be the only close fmaily. She may need to make all the arrangements, decisions about the estate. Mourning and grieving processes can also be cultural where you have to host people or other expectations. She also needs to grieve and if she was very close to her mom there could be all kinds of emotion there.

At my job while the official policy is 3 days, no one has come back to work after 3 days of someone very close to them. Often wakes/funerals don't even happen for more than 3 days.

I think some of this Op comes down to your financial situation. Obviously you aren't obligated to pay her full time while she is gone. If you can afford it then it is a really nice show of character (compassion, understanding, generosity, grace). If you can't afford it, then it is okay to have some of it unpaid or at a reduced salary.

Did you already tell her you would pay her the whole 6 weeks?

[Anonymous]

Another nanny who agrees that 6 weeks' paid leave is generous but probably excessive. I would offer her remaining paid leave for the year and offer half pay for the rest of the 6 weeks. If she can't afford to live off of half pay for 6 weeks, she may have to do a shorter visit than she would prefer, but part of being an adult is knowing that you don't always get everything exactly as you wish.

[Anonymous]

16:59 here and I wanted to add that it isn't just about being nice or being mean or generous/stingy or anything else that simple. If you could easily afford this then I might say to go for it, but imagine if you stretch yourselves to the limit and then your nanny decides to stay in her home country anothwr 2 weeks--or indefinitely? Or comes back to work but is off her game for the next 6 months? Or leaves for some unrelated reason 4 months from now? Do not give an amount (and that is what this is--a GIFT--pay is money that has been earned in some way) that you cannot afford, because it is going to make you resentful if/when she cannot live up to your expectations. Give what you can reasonably afford to give with no stress or pressure to your family. Anything else is setting both of you up for needless stress and complication down the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:59 here and I wanted to add that it isn't just about being nice or being mean or generous/stingy or anything else that simple. If you could easily afford this then I might say to go for it, but imagine if you stretch yourselves to the limit and then your nanny decides to stay in her home country anothwr 2 weeks--or indefinitely? Or comes back to work but is off her game for the next 6 months? Or leaves for some unrelated reason 4 months from now? Do not give an amount (and that is what this is--a GIFT--pay is money that has been earned in some way) that you cannot afford, because it is going to make you resentful if/when she cannot live up to your expectations. Give what you can reasonably afford to give with no stress or pressure to your family. Anything else is setting both of you up for needless stress and complication down the line.

This is really smart and sound advice. There is no guarantee that she will come back, or not need to go again or something. Paying her for anything beyond her accrued leave is a gift - it is very nice of you to do but only to the extent you can comfortably afford it. After all, what if she goes for six weeks and doesn't come back? Or has another death in the family in six months? I am sure her grief is overwhelming right now and you want to be supportive, so do what you can - but not at the cost of stretching yourself too thin.

[Anonymous]

I would pay 3 weeks - two of her week and an extra to be nice but six weeks plus a temp is not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

You are a good woman, OP, but even this nanny thinks that six weeks paid leave is too generous. It's enough that you are keeping the job open for her and adding her vacation and sick time - throw in an extra week of pay but carrying the burden of six weeks plus the cost of the replacement is too generous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:59 here and I wanted to add that it isn't just about being nice or being mean or generous/stingy or anything else that simple. If you could easily afford this then I might say to go for it, but imagine if you stretch yourselves to the limit and then your nanny decides to stay in her home country anothwr 2 weeks--or indefinitely? Or comes back to work but is off her game for the next 6 months? Or leaves for some unrelated reason 4 months from now? Do not give an amount (and that is what this is--a GIFT--pay is money that has been earned in some way) that you cannot afford, because it is going to make you resentful if/when she cannot live up to your expectations. Give what you can reasonably afford to give with no stress or pressure to your family. Anything else is setting both of you up for needless stress and complication down the line.

this is more or less what I was going to say. You'll be pissed if in six weeks she decides not to return. If she were so close to her mom that she needed six weeks away from work to mourn her, she wouldn't have moved to the US in the first place. They can't be THAT close. Two weeks off is reasonable, three weeks is generous.