Am I crazy for being concerned about nanny being OVER attentive?

[Anonymous]

We have a great nanny for our 18month LO - she is wonderful. She has a love of teaching, is punctual, reliable, responsible, and she is so responsive, patient, fun, and kind with our daughter. She has been with us for almost a year now. LO loves spending time with her and has so much fun with her.

I work from home, with my office upstairs - most days I just see her in the morning when she comes in, at lunch time, and in the afternoon when she leaves. So far it's been really great. The one downside is that our general care giving styles are not a perfect match, and because there are days that I am doing things around the house, I get to see the differences more so than I might if I were working out of the home.

She is super super attentive and responsive to LO. Sounds great, right? It speaks to how she is as a whole person - she has a big heart. However my main philosophy in life is everything in moderation. I generally accept this difference in our styles, because I do believe it's good for our LO to be exposed to different care giving styles. And frankly, most people would probably LOVE to have a nanny as attentive and responsive as she is.

HOWEVER, I think at 18 months, our LO does need some time to herself. Throughout the day, LO doesn't have 1 second of time to herself during the day while she is with the nanny. I've talked to her in the recent past about giving LO some independent playtime, but she hasn't followed through with it yet. Our nanny won't even go to the bathroom, tidy up, or do anything else other than play with LO during the times she is awake.

Even during meal times, I have had to tell her to stop spoon feeding her meals and let LO self-feed. She rarely spoon feeds her anymore, but she still coaches her through every bite, giving praise.

I'm hesitant to bring it up again, because otherwise she's doing great. Am I being crazy for even wanting to tell my nanny to stop being so attentive? I admit it does sound a bit crazy. Well I wouldn't use those words obviously. But I'm concerned as to whether too much hovering will affect LO's self confidence and independence as she gets older. And I am debating whether I should really try to enforce some independent play time with her.

Also at 18 months, our LO seems advanced in most areas, but seems to be lagging in language. She says rough approximations of about 10 or so words, but still does not say things like "mom", "hi" or "bye." Developmentally I'm not really concerned yet because her receptive language seems to be advanced, but I do wonder if being over-attentive and responsive to her has slowed her motivation to learn to talk.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Do they do tv/video at all?

[Anonymous]

You could suggest flat out that you'd like your daughter to spend 15 minutes playing alone, reading, or doing an activity by herself. Tell your nanny she is welcome to drink her coffee, use the bathroom, eat a snack, etc. during this time. You could alternatively suggest that she plan a craft or activity that LO can do all on her own (give her crayons, paper, and some stickers and go nuts for 15 minutes!)

[Anonymous]

Nope, no tv or video. She's engaged with her 100% of her wake time.

I've actually already sat down with her a couple weeks ago and flat out told her that LO needs to get 15-30 total minutes of independent play time every day, and that the nanny can have a snack/beverage, read, or whatever during that time. But she simply hasn't done it.

I think it just really goes against her every instinct to leave her alone, so it's the kind of thing I would really need to harp on her about for it to change... but I'm just not sure if this is a battle I should be picking.

As an example to give a better picture.... I had a past problem with her and LO napping because of a similar thing. She wouldn't let LO fall asleep on her own, and would run in at the slightest sound or stirring. It got so bad that within a month or so, LO's naps went from 2.5 hours a day to only 30 minutes a day, fighting every nap, and she'd be a mess by the evening. I really had to step in and put my foot down - wrote out strict protocol, and had to stay on top of her. I had to literally make her watch the clock, because if I simply told her to wait 10 minutes after waking, she'd only wait one and half minutes and then run in. I guess to her it felt like 10 minutes, lol. And I also had to take the baby monitor out of the room, because she was obsessed with checking it. But it was totally worth it, because within 5 days, LO went back to her normal nap schedule, learned how to fall her asleep on her own beautifully, and was her happy self in the evenings.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is simply a better nanny for newborns and infants and you need someone new who is more geared towards toddlers and preschoolers. It may be worth asking the nanny to take 15 minutes twice a day to research appropriate interactions with children at the stage your child is at, so she can reframe her thinking.

[Anonymous]

I really like the suggestion of asking her to take time each day to research. Although she'll probably want to do that during her naps! I had thought about giving her some specific books or articles regarding the importance of independent play time.

I think that she is generally great with toddlers though, probably more so than with infants. She is engaged with our LO, interactive, fun, and constantly coaching and teaching her. She also tutors elementary age kids with learning disabilities, and has previous experience working at a daycare for toddlers, so I think she is pretty comfortable with all ages.

I think it's less a problem of age-appropriateness, and this is just my opinion, that she is the type of person that HAS to have something to keep her busy and occupied. So she has a hard time just hanging back and letting LO do her thing. I think it was also the reason she wanted to keep running in to get LO the second she heard her stir from her nap - she needed something to do (and she couldn't handle any crying). She also leaves all the tasks like putting toys away, tidying up, cleaning up LO's dishes for when LO naps, so that she's sure to have something to keep her busy during that time. I tried to get her to clean up toys with LO, so that LO learns to put away toys after playing with them, but no progress in that area.

It's good to get feedback. Thank you. I really wasn't sure if I was just crazy for complaining about a nanny being too engaged and attentive to our LO.

[Anonymous]

I think you are crazy. People come on here every day to complain about lazy nannies on the iPhone, texting, doing personal errands etc and you complain about having a nanny that's too good? FYI a baby learns to speak when people speak to them. Maybe you're just jealous your nanny is doing a better job than YOU.

[Anonymous]

Here's my perspective: the nanny is training your DD to expect/need constant interaction and feedback and praise. She is training DD that anything "hard" (like cleaning up her toys) is the grown-up's job.

I think that is a big problem. Should a caregiver be attentive? Absolutely. But self-confidence comes from acheiving hard things. Your daughter will build confidence and skill as she learns to manage the world on her own. Dressing, feeding, picking up toys, problem-solving in play, etc. WITHOUT someone jumping in to fix it. It sounds to me like your nanny is ill-suited to one-on-one care. Maybe she would be willing to do a share with another child, which would give her more tasks to cope with and force her to back off and let your DD breath a little. Otherwise, I would look for someone with experience nannying an only.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I came on here to get some perspective, and so appreciate the feedback. Yes, even to the one who called me crazy, as I've obviously already wondered if I'm crazy to even bring this issue up. I think our nanny IS wonderful and I let her know that. I am just debating whether I need to continue to press this particular issue with her or just be grateful for what I have and drop it. Clearly it's something that's hard for her to change or she just doesn't want to, otherwise she would have changed it the first time I brought it up.

PP - Yes, those concerns have all crossed my mind. I LOVE the idea of asking her if she'd be interested in doing a share with another child. I think that would work well, if she would be up for it. I have no plans on looking for someone else though! The way I see it, I can either I figure out a way to work with her on this issue, or I just accept that the difference in her care giving style. Our LO loves her, and I trust her. This issue is not a deal breaker for me, and she is really great in every other regard.

[Anonymous]

A share is a great idea! For all people involved!

[Anonymous]

OP, you're right to be concerned about your nanny's caregiving style affecting your daughter's self-confidence and independence. It sounds like she's taking attentiveness way too far.

Independent time is important for your daughter's development. It's healthy for her to learn to do things on her own...play, eat, etc... She needs time to develop her self-help skills, and this only comes from having opportunities to practice them.

As a nanny I am a huge proponent of a healthy, developmentally appropriate amount of independent time and opportunities to engage in tasks around the house (cleaning up toys, clearing dishes as they get older, etc...). Personally your nanny would drive me nuts because I can't take over-attentiveness.

I think it's time for another serious sit-down with your nanny. Lay out your expectations and reasoning behind the expectations. Personally I would use it as a last-chance talk, but only you can decide if your nanny's caregiving style is worth pursuing a new nanny.

[Anonymous]

I would let it go for now, and put dd in preschool around 3 years of age. They will give her all the independence.
I myself is quite an "attentive" mom and honestly I like it. My son has his dad, his teachers, etc. to teach him independence. The only area where I encourage independence consistently is his play, but that's because I don't enjoy playing too much.

[Anonymous]

I am all for facilitating independent play, but I wonder if maybe you're coming at it too strongly for DD's age (or perhaps presenting it to your nanny poorly)? At 18 months, no way would I leave a child in a room by herself for 15-30 minutes. It's just asking for chewed up crayons, every toy pulled off the shelf, and general mayhem. No way would I want to invite all that in

Now that doesn't mean that my charge isn't playing with some cars on the kitchen table while I make lunch, or looking at a book while I pack up the diaper bag, etc. He gets time to himself, I'm just very nearby to ensure chaos doesn't break out. Now, I could be misinterpreting and this is exactly the kind of independent play you want, but if I'm misinterpreting you, there's probably a good chance your nanny is too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am all for facilitating independent play, but I wonder if maybe you're coming at it too strongly for DD's age (or perhaps presenting it to your nanny poorly)? At 18 months, no way would I leave a child in a room by herself for 15-30 minutes. It's just asking for chewed up crayons, every toy pulled off the shelf, and general mayhem. No way would I want to invite all that in

Now that doesn't mean that my charge isn't playing with some cars on the kitchen table while I make lunch, or looking at a book while I pack up the diaper bag, etc. He gets time to himself, I'm just very nearby to ensure chaos doesn't break out. Now, I could be misinterpreting and this is exactly the kind of independent play you want, but if I'm misinterpreting you, there's probably a good chance your nanny is too.

I can't speak for OP, but at 18 months, independent play is more akin to just not having the nanny sit with and interact with the child at every second ( though I can leave my 10 month old charge alone in the playroom while I am in the kitchen- which is adjacent- without incident). I think the main concern in op's situation is that her LO is having no independence fostered, and her nanny isn't even willing to leave her alone long enough to make lunch/go to the bathroom/have coffee...I'd hate to see nanny at a playground or gym. Helicopter nannying is just as detrimental as helicopter parenting and it's great that OP can recognize this. OP- you aren't crazy...your nanny's style is really clashing with your own and you need to directly intervene now, and, while it's all well and good that you are nice, you need to make it clear that nanny is not following your wishes and could be doing some real damage here.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think we have the same nanny! I face these exact same challenges and deciding which battles to pick is a regular issue for me.

Mostly I think you should try to let it go. 18 mths is a time of huge transition for kids but very soon your daughter will be testing limits (physical, behavioral, etc...) and may well need a fairly constant level of oversight just to keep her off the table tops or from leaving the house, or whatever. She'll also start developing more independence, and working on things like puzzles (that can by nature be more individual activities). So I think some of that will regulate itself. Also, if you're at all concerned about language development (not that I think you need to be given what you've described) then the solution to that is a lot of focussed one on one time - so maybe you could channel your nanny's natural inclinations to over-attentiveness in a way that at least addresses another concern you might have. Ask her to devote a chunk of time every day to language development work (whatever you choose). If you like, you could also find ipad apps (or something like that) that support what the nanny is doing, but also are solo game play type things (thereby encouraging a little more independence). We have alphabet apps that our twins play with and they love it (and it buys me 5 or 10 minutes.)

Anyway, overall I think you're right to carefully pick your battles. My nanny is the same way - I often wish she'd just let them fend for themselves a bit more, play independently (and let's not even discuss allowing them to cry at naptime!) etc... But I trust her completely, know that my kids are surrounded by genuine loving care all the time, she'd jump in front of a car for them, etc... I wouldn't trade that for the day to day differences that I figure won't matter at all in a couple of years.

Good luck. I regularly am amazed at how hard the nanny/mother relationship is - even when all parties are great, happy, supportive, etc...