I said "I Love You" and I REALLY Meant It.

[Anonymous]

I am a Nanny for a five yr old little boy.

I have been caring for him for the past two yrs.

He tells me "I Love You Ms. ___ " and I always respond, "I Love You Too ______ !"

He has drawn me many pictures and made me many cards and he ALWAYS writes that he loves me.
I sincerely love him w/all of my heart. Not in an obsessive possessive manner, but in a healthy way.

I respect his parent's wishes and NEVER try to compete w/them for his love.
However it is only natural that when you spend 40-50 hr. per wk. w/someone, you are bound to grow attached to him.

He will be going to Kinder in Sept. and I am so happy for him. I will miss him, but understand this is the natural progression of these situations, etc.

Once he starts Kinder, his parents have told me that I am welcome to come visit their "Little Guy" anytime I want and they will still use me for school vacations, date nights, etc.

Sounds almost perfect, right?

Well his mother came home early this evening and I didn't hear her come in. It wouldn't have mattered if I did. The little boy was drawing me a cute picture of him and me and his mommy and daddy and when he gave it to me, he exclaimed, "I Love You!" and I responded "I Love You Too!!"
The mother obviously heard us and kindly asked me to come into the kitchen for a sec.
She seemed a little tense and I thought I had done something wrong. She diplomatically asked me if her son expressed this particular sentiment often. I responded that he did...not necessarily every day, but fairly often.
She asked me if he ever says those three words again, if I could just smile and either give him a hug or say, "Thank you...That is very nice of you to say that."

I am not a confrontational person and I hate hate awkward moments. This one sure was.

She told me she felt he was too young to understand the true meaning of the word "LOVE" at this stage in his life and that I shouldn't be telling him I LOVE him because he just doesn't get the whole context of it.
She also told me she would talk to her son and try to discourage him from using the word "LOVE" when w/me.

I think she is way out of line here and has no right telling me I cannot and do not love her son.

Am I wrong?

Any and all advice & input is welcomed and encouraged.

[Anonymous]

She's jealous. Honestly, she can deny it all she wants, but she's jealous. She wants to be the one and only. I suppose you can't blame her. However, she's wrong to make him stop saying it. LOVE = happy feelings and you make him happy (and vice versa). She needs to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Wow. MB here, and that is really odd and really sad. There is clearly some jealousy and insecurity there. What "context" is there to get? Is he only allowed to love his parents? Most moms would be thrilled to hear that her child loves his nanny and knows how to express it.

[Anonymous]

As a nanny, I have never told a child I LOVED them.

Nannies must respect certain boundaries and remain professional.

Not necessarily aloof, but professional.

It is a JOB. Many forget this.

I think your Mom Boss is within her rights. It has absolutely nothing to do with jealousy and everything to do with your lack of professionalism.

[Anonymous]

I agree that she's jealous but I can also see some merit to the argument. Aside from you, he has likely only heard "I love you" from parents or family members, all of which are constants in his life and people he should form permanent bonds with. You will no longer be a constant in his life soon, and it may be confusing to him since you said "I love you" but are no longer around.

[Anonymous]

I think opinions on this subject are always going to be split because, when it comes down to it, people have different views on what "love" is.

I'm a Nanny working for my 3rd family. The way I normally go through this is, if I've been working for a family for some time and the child tells me they love me, I tell them I love them too. Mostly because these are young kids who like telling people they love them and like hearing it back. And as their nanny, a person who cares, nurtures and plays with them almost daily, I don't feel that it's inappropriate for them to say it to me if they want to.

I think the mother is jealous. The last family I worked for I became VERY attached to the kids, 3 and 1. I think because the parents weren't very affectionate and so the kids turned to me for that. The three year old told me every day that she loved me and I told her I loved her too, because I did! The mother I worked for became jealous over the kids attachment to me, and ended up being the one that confused the 3 year old, not me.

Unfortunately though, your going to have to respect the parent's wishes : /

[Anonymous]

Jeez, I'm sorry. I'm an MB. My kids love our nanny to pieces and she loves them right back. I can't imagine being so insecure as to be upset by what you described.

I guess you do have to respect her wishes but maybe if you have a good enough relationship with her otherwise you could talk w/ her a bit more. Maybe something like "I, obviously, will do as you ask. I do want you to know though that I'm not being dishonest when I tell him I love him - I actually do. I'm a nanny because I love kids and your son is very dear to me. He's a (insert some genuine reasons why the kid is lovable to you) little boy and even though I'm his nanny, not a parent, and possibly only in his life for a short time, I care deeply for him. I hope that is ok with you."

I would hope that an MB, even if deeply insecure, might respond to someone saying they care about her child, while simultaneously respecting her primacy and the difference in roles.

Also, there are other ways you can respond very warmly to the child that let him feel loved and special (as I'm sure you do a 100 times a day) so being asked not to use those three words doesn't mean he can't feel cherished by you.

But overall this kind of stinks for you, and him. And actually, probably for the horrifically insecure mother as well.

[Anonymous]

Goodness! While I understand that it's a different relationship, I think it's extremely important for their to be affection between children and nannies. My DD is currently too young, but I would be over the moon if there was genuine love between my child and her nanny. They spend so much time together, I would hate for her to be with someone that doesn't love her and care for her! Nannies become part of your family, and it's really important to me that there is that closeness.

But of course, I don't feel insecure in my role as my DD's mother. I'm pretty sure this is the situation with your MB.

It sucks though. A child can love many people in his life, and should.

[Anonymous]

Check out what nannies are saying about this topic in Nanny Magazine's facebook page. They posted a link to this discussion today. I think it's so sad that MBs would get so jealous. Nannies and parents are a team, it's not one against the other or a 'love contest.'

[Anonymous]

She's not at ALL out of line. She has every right to dictate this type of thing. However, even babies who can't say the word love can form attachments to people they feel close with.

You should do what your employer asked you to do.

[Anonymous]

MB here - I am so sorry you have to deal with that OP! My nanny tells my son she loves him, and I am so happy she does! I personally wouldn't want an aloof professional, I want someone who loves my little boy.

Obviously you need to respect her wishes, but if you have a good relationship with her, I agree that you might approach it the way 9:16 suggests. It might go a long way with her to know that you respect her wishes, but want her to know that you genuinely do love him. It may have been an immediate jealousy response, but I wouldn't let it lie with you feeling bad about it because I don't think that's in the best interest of a long term nanny/MB partnership.

[Anonymous]

I would love to witness a parent like this explaining to their child that they are not allowed to express their feelings of love/ happiness with their nanny. I would LOVE to see how that goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check out what nannies are saying about this topic in Nanny Magazine's facebook page. They posted a link to this discussion today. I think it's so sad that MBs would get so jealous. Nannies and parents are a team, it's not one against the other or a 'love contest.'

You're really pushing this magazine thing aren't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a nanny, I have never told a child I LOVED them.

Nannies must respect certain boundaries and remain professional.

Not necessarily aloof, but professional.

It is a JOB. Many forget this.

I think your Mom Boss is within her rights. It has absolutely nothing to do with jealousy and everything to do with your lack of professionalism.

WRONG.

[Anonymous]

Saying "I love you" to your charge is not crossing a professional boundary. Nannies by nature are caring, loving nurturers. Expressing that is only natural. The love our charges give to us in no way diminishes the love he has for his parents, which I believe may be this mother's fear.