How do you deal with gossip within your AP's circle of AP friends?

[Anonymous]

More specifically, the situation I am in is that when our AP first arrived she was great, she was happy and so were we. But since she started meeting other AP's she started to question the way we did things, our expectations of her and giving us such push back to the point where we now want her to leave and are looking forward to someone new. How do you get the message across that every family is different and it doesn’t make sense to compare because it’s just going to lead to entitlement and dissatisfaction?

[Anonymous]

Are you all fulfilling your contractual obligations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you all fulfilling your contractual obligations?

Yes

[Anonymous]

You can't keep her from talking to other APs. You can be clear up front how you do things and what you have to offer, but have you considered that maybe the way you're doing things warrants some reconsideration? If your way/what you're offering is so vastly different from the other families in the program, you will continue to have this problem and gain a reputation. Similarly to the family on the block known to all the nannies to underpay and overwork.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't keep her from talking to other APs. You can be clear up front how you do things and what you have to offer, but have you considered that maybe the way you're doing things warrants some reconsideration? If your way/what you're offering is so vastly different from the other families in the program, you will continue to have this problem and gain a reputation. Similarly to the family on the block known to all the nannies to underpay and overwork.

Yes that is my fear and I am changing things up a bit for the new AP. But I do feel like she has bad mouthed me and my family, to the point where I dont want to be around her anymore. AWKWARD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't keep her from talking to other APs. You can be clear up front how you do things and what you have to offer, but have you considered that maybe the way you're doing things warrants some reconsideration? If your way/what you're offering is so vastly different from the other families in the program, you will continue to have this problem and gain a reputation. Similarly to the family on the block known to all the nannies to underpay and overwork.

Agreed, though if the family is within the guidelines of the program - both letter and spirit - flexible and generous to the extent they can be, generally warm and nice ppl, etc. there may not be a lot of room for "reconsideration." For instance, sometimes family situations are just different. If the majority of families in the neighborhood with au pairs have school-age kids, and the au pair only works 30ish hours/week because of that, but this OP has young children who are home all day and therefore works all 45 hours, there isn't much the family can do to make the au pair's situation better in that respect. Or if other neighborhood families have an extra car for the au pair, but the OP's family doesn't and can't afford one, also not much they can do.

But - if there are things that can easily be changed, certainly it's worth looking into for next time. But OP - I don't think you should let yourself fall into the trap of trying to compete with other families that you can't compete with.

[Anonymous]

I don't know that we have a gossip issue on our hands, but our AP has said a few things about how big other family's houses are or that another AP has her own car to use or whatever. It does bother me, but there's not a whole lot you can do. If she said stuff like that all the time, though, I think I'd have to confront it. "We are following the rules of the program and are trying very hard to make you feel welcome. It is starting to sound like you're unhappy with our family. If you are not happy here, then let's engage our LCC to come up with some solutions."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that we have a gossip issue on our hands, but our AP has said a few things about how big other family's houses are or that another AP has her own car to use or whatever. It does bother me, but there's not a whole lot you can do. If she said stuff like that all the time, though, I think I'd have to confront it. "We are following the rules of the program and are trying very hard to make you feel welcome. It is starting to sound like you're unhappy with our family. If you are not happy here, then let's engage our LCC to come up with some solutions."

I am always worried about this, since I think we are on the less-wealthy end of families with APs in our area. Our house is quite small, and we only have 1 car (though, since we don't require our APs to drive, we frequently get APs who don't have licenses, so this isn't an issue). We try to be kind, generous people, and to provide flexibility to the AP to the extent we can, but we definitely don't (can't) provide all of the amenities that many APs in the area seem to have. (E.g. we don't go on vacations except to see family, so we haven't been able to provide fun vacation experiences in interesting locations.) So far we have been lucky to have had APs who do not complain or hint about things like that; I think our APs have generally been happy, and made the most of their experiences through friends, experiencing new culture, new city, travelling with friends, etc. Back to the original post topic, I think if you are a kind host family and have a good, mature AP, "gossip" in the AP circle should not be a problem. We have spoken to friends of our APs who have stories of the best "amenities," but were unhappy because the family was unkind, abusive in other ways, etc. Each family and each situation is different, and hopefully a mature AP will realize that.

[Anonymous]

15:30 - I'm 13:49, and we sound very similar. We also have a small house, only one bathroom, and only have one car that we all share (host parents and the AP). We live right next to the Metro, so actually we don't need a car at all, but it's there for us all to use. We have young kids and take a lot of time off because of them, so we only take one week-long vacation during the year and it's to the nearby beach.

We are up-front about all that and definitely try to make up for it in other ways - we too are very flexible with the schedule and just generally try to be nice, thoughtful host parents.

Both of our au pairs have made little comments about trips their friends have taken with their host families or that so and so au pair's family's pool is opening up next week. It does hurt my feelings a bit and makes me worried that our au pair isn't happy. But honestly, I think she hears some true horror stories too, and they usually tend to be the au pairs with truly wealthy host parents. I admit that sometimes makes me feel a little better.

You do the best you can to make your au pair feel welcome and hope she appreciates what you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:30 - I'm 13:49, and we sound very similar. We also have a small house, only one bathroom, and only have one car that we all share (host parents and the AP). We live right next to the Metro, so actually we don't need a car at all, but it's there for us all to use. We have young kids and take a lot of time off because of them, so we only take one week-long vacation during the year and it's to the nearby beach.

We are up-front about all that and definitely try to make up for it in other ways - we too are very flexible with the schedule and just generally try to be nice, thoughtful host parents.

Both of our au pairs have made little comments about trips their friends have taken with their host families or that so and so au pair's family's pool is opening up next week. It does hurt my feelings a bit and makes me worried that our au pair isn't happy. But honestly, I think she hears some true horror stories too, and they usually tend to be the au pairs with truly wealthy host parents. I admit that sometimes makes me feel a little better.

You do the best you can to make your au pair feel welcome and hope she appreciates what you can do.

OP poster here and this is exactly what I was referring to with my question.

[Anonymous]

Ah, ok. OP, that makes your question much more clear. Assuming you are within the rules of the program and that you are also listening to her individual needs and flexing where you can, really there's not a whole lot you can do. There are always going to be host families whose "packages" are going to be more attractive than yours.

If it comes to a point where she's complaining non-specifically all the time, I really would suggest sitting her down and saying "I'm hearing a lot of complaints from you about your situation with our family. We are trying very hard to make sure you are content, but it sounds like you're unhappy. Is there something specific that we can discuss?"

If she asks for something you can't give (maybe no working on weekends, as an example), you are well within your rights to say "I'm sorry, but when we originally were looking for an au pair, we were upfront that we would need her to work some hours on the weekends and it is a requirement of the job. If that's not something you are willing to do, then we will need to find a new au pair who can meet the requirements of our job."

If she just generally complains that she doesn't have a private suite or has to share a car or something, you can say "I'm sorry you feel that way - we tried to be upfront about our situation when we matched, and this is what we can offer to you. Please remember that we've tried to be flexible in other ways and we really and truly appreciate all you've done. But remember that all host families are different, and those with the most attractive amenities may have really difficult shedules, for example - they all have pros and cons. We hope you'll be able to be happy with us, but please let us know if you are not, and we can engage the LCC in a conversation."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah, ok. OP, that makes your question much more clear. Assuming you are within the rules of the program and that you are also listening to her individual needs and flexing where you can, really there's not a whole lot you can do. There are always going to be host families whose "packages" are going to be more attractive than yours.

If it comes to a point where she's complaining non-specifically all the time, I really would suggest sitting her down and saying "I'm hearing a lot of complaints from you about your situation with our family. We are trying very hard to make sure you are content, but it sounds like you're unhappy. Is there something specific that we can discuss?"

If she asks for something you can't give (maybe no working on weekends, as an example), you are well within your rights to say "I'm sorry, but when we originally were looking for an au pair, we were upfront that we would need her to work some hours on the weekends and it is a requirement of the job. If that's not something you are willing to do, then we will need to find a new au pair who can meet the requirements of our job."

If she just generally complains that she doesn't have a private suite or has to share a car or something, you can say "I'm sorry you feel that way - we tried to be upfront about our situation when we matched, and this is what we can offer to you. Please remember that we've tried to be flexible in other ways and we really and truly appreciate all you've done. But remember that all host families are different, and those with the most attractive amenities may have really difficult shedules, for example - they all have pros and cons. We hope you'll be able to be happy with us, but please let us know if you are not, and we can engage the LCC in a conversation."

Agreed. One of the posters above with the similar situation (not great amenities and a full 45-hour work-week every week, but we try really hard to be flexible and generous to the extent we can, and within both the rules and spirit of the AP program). We have been lucky not to have had our APs voice these kinds of complaints (though we have also experienced rematches - not for these kinds of reasons - and so the APs who have been with us "full term" have themselves come from rematch and really bad situations, i.e. with great "amenities" but really tough families, and I think appreciate that we try really hard to be "good" host parents!). But I think if I had this situation on my hands, I would do just as this poster suggests: sit down with the AP and try to discuss it, and bring in the LCC if necessary. But my hunch is that if your AP is a complainer about these "peripheral" kinds of things -- even though you are "good" host parents -- perhaps this isn't the best AP for you (i.e. not someone who gives her all to the job and the relationship, knowing that you are trying to do that). That kind of resentment can eventually leak into other aspects of the relationship and job she does for you. And if the other folks in your neighborhood have school-age kids and 30 hour work-weeks, but you have small children and 45-hour work-weeks, you will never be able to change that; it will be up to her to accept it. Nor will you be able to suddenly afford a car for the AP if you couldn't before now.

[Anonymous]

I know one au pair who complains that the family never asks her how her day has been, or anything to do with the kids. They just walk around the house and check that she has vacuumed and dusted and toys are put away. If the kid is sick at night she must get up.
The teenage son who was visiting used her laptop and downloaded a porn onto it. The dad is just about sexually harassing her and the ex expects her to "spy" on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know one au pair who complains that the family never asks her how her day has been, or anything to do with the kids. They just walk around the house and check that she has vacuumed and dusted and toys are put away. If the kid is sick at night she must get up.
The teenage son who was visiting used her laptop and downloaded a porn onto it. The dad is just about sexually harassing her and the ex expects her to "spy" on them.

My hunch is that this is not what OP's au pair is complaining about!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that we have a gossip issue on our hands, but our AP has said a few things about how big other family's houses are or that another AP has her own car to use or whatever. It does bother me, but there's not a whole lot you can do. If she said stuff like that all the time, though, I think I'd have to confront it. "We are following the rules of the program and are trying very hard to make you feel welcome. It is starting to sound like you're unhappy with our family. If you are not happy here, then let's engage our LCC to come up with some solutions."

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