How do you deal with gossip within your AP's circle of AP friends?

[Anonymous]

OP, why haven!t you told us exactly whst your ai pair has to do. I bet you are using her as your maid to clean your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why haven!t you told us exactly whst your ai pair has to do. I bet you are using her as your maid to clean your house.

Oh Please. NP here. Please no one feed the troll.

OP- some au pairs are really immature. I try to avoid them, but you never know for sure. These au pairs are going to constantly be looking at what she DOESN'T have-- no matter what-- so try to grow a thick skin.

I also think there are some host families (though OP doesn't sound this way to me) who really under-estimate the value of basic small talk and showing some interest and appreciation for the au pair. We don't have a grand set up at my house, and they work really hard-- but I always ask them about their day, how they're doing, etc. -- because I actually care about them. I think when people feel valued, it makes them better employees and more likely to understand your perspective.

[Anonymous]

OP she is most likely just a gossiper.. The type who will always find something to complain about because she enjoys complaining.. Nothing you could do will change it because she's immature and obviously lacks something within herself.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the au pair is from a wealthy family and the adjustment to a lower standard of living is new to her. Or she assumed people in America lived better

[Anonymous]

OP it could be cultural. In some countries, materialism is even worse than in the US. Its a generalization but eastern europeans can be very focused on bling. Germans don't seem to care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the au pair is from a wealthy family and the adjustment to a lower standard of living is new to her. Or she assumed people in America lived better

I have certainly found this to be the case with some APs - one that we rematched, and some friends of APs we have had. Not necessarily that they themselves are from wealthier families, but that they have this picture of American life as a giant "McMansion" in a beautiful hilly suburb where they will live in a separate guest suite on the property with a pool and a big luxury car for their use alone. They might have to pick the kids up from school at 3pm and drive them here or there in a big comfy car for a few hours each day, but generally their days will be spent lounging by the pool, driving to the mall with the sunroof down and the American wind in their hair, and meeting American men who will marry them and provide that life for them permanently, but without the kids to pick up at 3pm, at least for a few years. Then they end up with a family who lives in an old, small house right in the District - which is great for an AP who wants to experience life and going out in an American city, of course, but perhaps not at the expense of the rest of the "dream" - with small children and a 45-hour workweek and no car. This is a hard pill to swallow if that was the AP's "dream." And I actually can't really blame some of these APs; the agencies abroad seem to sell the AP year as a year of "fun and travel in America." And they really downplay the work aspect, and the reality that most US families are just regular, middle class people who need childcare, and those that get APs are also looking for their children to experience care from someone who can bring another culture and/or language into the home. Even if the AP learned all about the family before matching, if they lack maturity and judgment, they might have just ignored reality and hoped for the dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the au pair is from a wealthy family and the adjustment to a lower standard of living is new to her. Or she assumed people in America lived better

I have certainly found this to be the case with some APs - one that we rematched, and some friends of APs we have had. Not necessarily that they themselves are from wealthier families, but that they have this picture of American life as a giant "McMansion" in a beautiful hilly suburb where they will live in a separate guest suite on the property with a pool and a big luxury car for their use alone. They might have to pick the kids up from school at 3pm and drive them here or there in a big comfy car for a few hours each day, but generally their days will be spent lounging by the pool, driving to the mall with the sunroof down and the American wind in their hair, and meeting American men who will marry them and provide that life for them permanently, but without the kids to pick up at 3pm, at least for a few years. Then they end up with a family who lives in an old, small house right in the District - which is great for an AP who wants to experience life and going out in an American city, of course, but perhaps not at the expense of the rest of the "dream" - with small children and a 45-hour workweek and no car. This is a hard pill to swallow if that was the AP's "dream." And I actually can't really blame some of these APs; the agencies abroad seem to sell the AP year as a year of "fun and travel in America." And they really downplay the work aspect, and the reality that most US families are just regular, middle class people who need childcare, and those that get APs are also looking for their children to experience care from someone who can bring another culture and/or language into the home. Even if the AP learned all about the family before matching, if they lack maturity and judgment, they might have just ignored reality and hoped for the dream.

I think you are on to something! We are a family with not many materialistic perks but we are kind, respectful and honest with our APs. Do they appreciate that? Nope. They get disappointed that their "american dream" is not a reality but instead of being mature and requesting a rematch, go home, make the best of it etc. they complain the whole year, have zero drive and just make everyone unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know one au pair who complains that the family never asks her how her day has been, or anything to do with the kids. They just walk around the house and check that she has vacuumed and dusted and toys are put away. If the kid is sick at night she must get up.
The teenage son who was visiting used her laptop and downloaded a porn onto it. The dad is just about sexually harassing her and the ex expects her to "spy" on them.

Calling bullshit on this phony post. If life is this bad, go the hell home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the au pair is from a wealthy family and the adjustment to a lower standard of living is new to her. Or she assumed people in America lived better

I have certainly found this to be the case with some APs - one that we rematched, and some friends of APs we have had. Not necessarily that they themselves are from wealthier families, but that they have this picture of American life as a giant "McMansion" in a beautiful hilly suburb where they will live in a separate guest suite on the property with a pool and a big luxury car for their use alone. They might have to pick the kids up from school at 3pm and drive them here or there in a big comfy car for a few hours each day, but generally their days will be spent lounging by the pool, driving to the mall with the sunroof down and the American wind in their hair, and meeting American men who will marry them and provide that life for them permanently, but without the kids to pick up at 3pm, at least for a few years. Then they end up with a family who lives in an old, small house right in the District - which is great for an AP who wants to experience life and going out in an American city, of course, but perhaps not at the expense of the rest of the "dream" - with small children and a 45-hour workweek and no car. This is a hard pill to swallow if that was the AP's "dream." And I actually can't really blame some of these APs; the agencies abroad seem to sell the AP year as a year of "fun and travel in America." And they really downplay the work aspect, and the reality that most US families are just regular, middle class people who need childcare, and those that get APs are also looking for their children to experience care from someone who can bring another culture and/or language into the home. Even if the AP learned all about the family before matching, if they lack maturity and judgment, they might have just ignored reality and hoped for the dream.

I think you are on to something! We are a family with not many materialistic perks but we are kind, respectful and honest with our APs. Do they appreciate that? Nope. They get disappointed that their "american dream" is not a reality but instead of being mature and requesting a rematch, go home, make the best of it etc. they complain the whole year, have zero drive and just make everyone unhappy.

So why would you put up with this gross behavior, let alone this sour grapes attitude being around your children. Send the sour puss home. Problem solved. Otherwise au pair programs are going to feel empowered to c

[Anonymous]

...ontinue to send over unprofessional uncaring "au pairs" as if Americans are doormats. You need to put your foot down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...ontinue to send over unprofessional uncaring "au pairs" as if Americans are doormats. You need to put your foot down.

While I heartily agree that these agencies need a better screening process, I'm not sure exactly how they'd screen for this quality among au pair applicants. The better approach would be to pressure the American-side agencies to demand that the foreign-side agencies be more honest about program to young people they are recruiting to be APs.

[Anonymous]

If you're dealing with a self-absorbed uncaring person who cares more about partying abroad than providing child care, how would "honesty about the program help" from foreign-side agencies help? It wouldn't. What would help is that the program needs to make clear that child safety and care is the foremost point of an au pair program. Focusing on cell phone use, hanging out with friends, texting all day, being snotty and rude will land you on a plane back home. That should be the message. It should be firm. Also, for au pairs that secretly hate americans or otherwise do not think well of them, they should be advised that they need to stay away. If Americans are so awful, lazy, stupid, etc... why would you want to come to this country. Seems like somebody else is stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're dealing with a self-absorbed uncaring person who cares more about partying abroad than providing child care, how would "honesty about the program help" from foreign-side agencies help? It wouldn't. What would help is that the program needs to make clear that child safety and care is the foremost point of an au pair program. Focusing on cell phone use, hanging out with friends, texting all day, being snotty and rude will land you on a plane back home. That should be the message. It should be firm. Also, for au pairs that secretly hate americans or otherwise do not think well of them, they should be advised that they need to stay away. If Americans are so awful, lazy, stupid, etc... why would you want to come to this country. Seems like somebody else is stupid.

Um, I think "honesty about the program" is exactly what would help, and covers what you are getting at. (Though not sure where the "Americans are so awful, lazy, stupid, etc." chip on your shoulder is coming from.) If the foreign au pair agencies told APs what the job is really like, and that they will get sent home if they don't live up to their job responsibilities, and not just a year of carefree fun in America, some of the "problem" APs might not be so eager to apply. There would be more realistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

The chip is on your shoulder. There is a trend in au pairs to have a secret resentment towards americans. That needs to stop. There's been a rash of events recently that has reminded us all of the hatred many foreign nationals have for this nation. We need to stop employing them and welcoming them in to this country- including ungrateful mean-spiritied au pairs.

[Anonymous]

Au pair agency: Okay, au pairs. You all expected to be courteous and professional to your charges. Also, a lot of the stereotypes about american wealth are untrue. What do you think about that?

Au pairs: (silence) sounds of nail biting and texting in the background

Au pair agency: Helloooo....

Au pairs: (looking at each other irritated, whispering) Stupid Americans.

Au pair agency: What was that?

Au pairs: Oh, yes. Whatever you say. Where do I sign up.

Au pair agency: Great! All problems are solved.

Ta Dah!!!!

Au pairs: