Advice on how to address issues with MB/DB

[Anonymous]

I have worked as the nanny of a 1 year old for nearly a year. The parents and I have a meeting set up for Friday to have a yearly review.
In nearly 10 years as a nanny, I have always had great, close relationships with my employers, all of whom I talk to frequently.
My current MB/DB have proven to be noncommunicative and have never said 'thank you' for anything in the year I've worked for them. They can't wait to get me out of the door when they get home and show zero interest in me as a person.
I wasn't even invited to their child's 1st birthday party (Yes, I am the OP of the No invite/No gift post....I did buy a gift for which I received no acknowledgement or thank you).
I am a good nanny and take excellent care of their child.
Does anyone have advice to offer on how to address these issues during our meeting? I don't want to bombard them with issues, but I do want to address them so I can move forward and do my job.
Should I bring up not being invited to the party?

[Anonymous]

Do they pay you the agreed upon amount and On time? Do they come home when they say they will? Do you only do tasks which were agreed upon?

If yes to all, then you will be okay.

I absolutely understand how you feel, but you won't change them into thanking you or doing any extra niceties. This is a business arrangement to them (which it is) and that's it.

[Anonymous]

Sad. Such a shame.

[Anonymous]

Wow - that doesn't sound very pleasant.

I think you could ask them to tell you how they feel about your performance, are they happy with what you're doing, are they comfortable with your relationship with the baby, etc...

You could say that you're very glad to have the opportunity for this review because you've been uncertain how they feel about your work. Maybe that could open the door for some conversation about more regular communication or feedback. You could ask for 5 minutes once a week to just touch base, or 15 minutes once a month to sit down and touch base etc... (whatever they seem to be comfortable with)

Re the b'day party - it's hard to tell what was behind the lack of invite. Maybe they're incredibly private people? Maybe they feel really strongly about an employer/employee professional relationship and are not aware you might actually want a bit more interpersonal involvement? Maybe they have read too much DCUM and think they're doing a good thing by bending over backwards to have a strictly professional, non-personal approach?! Anyway - hard to tell what's going on in their heads, though presumably you would have heard about it if they were unhappy with your performance.

In terms of the party thing, I don't know that I'd bring that up specifically, but what you could do is ask if they would comfortable with you attending a birthday party this year if they have one. You can approach it gently "I understand if you only want family or a small group of course, but if you were ok with it I would love to be included." Or something like that. You can't push beyond that but maybe they'd be surprised you even want to be included and would be happy to do so.

It doesn't sound like the happiest working environment for you overall though. I hope the yearly review conversation helps and leads to warmer interactions.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you PP. That is excellent advice.
I will definitely approach the communication issue in the way you suggest. I want it to be as possible as possible.

When I interviewed with the family, I was very clear about the type of relationship I want with a family. Friendly, trusting and filled with communication. They happily agreed and have been this way since the day I started.
As for the party, they already had it. It was large with over 100 people. I was pretty much the only person they know who wasn't invited. I won't lie, it hurt.

If things don't change, I will quit.

[Anonymous]

If you are paid well, on time, and not micromanaged, what is there to complain about? This is an employer/employee relationship and, it seems , to be obvious they wish to keep it this way.

[Anonymous]

It probably never occurred to the parents that you might want to attend the birthday party as a guest. If you were to go, you would instinctively end up helping manage the kids. The parents may not want you to feel pressure to come and "work" on a weekend without pay. Also, most adults with young kids find kid birthday parties a headache-inducing drag, simply because there are so many of them to attend. They are probably trying to spare you.

I do think it would be okay to say something like the PP mentioned about how you'd love to be included if the parents are comfortable with that.

As for the lack of "thank yous," most of us who work in professional environments don't expect or receive "thank yous" for doing our job, except perhaps at holiday bonus time. We do our job well because that is our responsibility, and in return, we get paid and get to keep our jobs. Yes, every once in a while when we do something truly exceptional we might hear "great job," but not for doing well on a routine basis. The parents are probably just extending their own work culture to you, and maybe they just are not effusive by nature.

As for trying to get you out the door quickly when they arrive home, why is this a problem? Most nannies on here carry on about how they resent being expected to brief the parents about the day without getting extra pay for that. Also, the parents are likely very busy and need to get started right away on dinner, bath times, quality play with the kids, and whatever else needs to get done in the very limited time period between their arrival home and the kids' bedtime. Don't feel hurt because they respect your time and their own.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP, I just caught the fact that the child is one. First birthday parties are more about the adults than the kids. This was a party for the parents' friends and family, not for the child's social circle. You are their employee rather than friend, so it makes sense that you were not included. You should not feel slighted by that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are paid well, on time, and not micromanaged, what is there to complain about? This is an employer/employee relationship and, it seems , to be obvious they wish to keep it this way.

I agree with this. OP, it sounds like you want to fish for compliments. That's unprofessional and inappropriate. Their lack of firing you shows that they like your work. I like my nanny just fine, but when I get home from work I've been gone for 11 hours and really want to spend time with my loved ones. I want to snuggle with my baby and talk with DH about our days. I don't want to stand around chatting with the nanny. As long as my baby is happy and the house is picked up, I don't really feel the need to have any in depth conversations with the nanny about whether DD ate a light lunch, or had a short nap. I'll figure it out based on her behavior.

I think you're heading into this review with a really bad attitude. You want stroking. Your employers do not owe you that.

[Anonymous]

OP while I would be hurt if I was not invited to my charge's birthday party, I would also understand that this is a personal choice and should never be taken personally.

It sounds like this family views you as an employee and an employee only by the way they treat you. Seems you would like a closer relationship like what you had before. During the meeting you can address certain things such as better communication techniques for everyone however do not bring up the party thing. It is now water under the bridge and they really had no obligation to invite you.

It looks like your personalities are not in sync so you can either a.) accept them and the situation for what it is and try to work w/it or b.) move on to a family where you can feel closer w/.

I am like you.
I prefer to work for families who see as more than the "hired help."
However, I understand that not everyone prefers this type of work relationship and I try to respect that.

[Anonymous]

OP I don't think your expectations are out of line. Working in such an intimate setting and having a one on one relationship with your boss should come with a slightly more personal relationship than at an office. If I go above and beyond my duties regularly, I appreciate a thank you, and if I regularly don't receive one I will think twice about continuing to do so. Not to be vengeful but because my efforts were either not appreciated or my bosses EXPECTED it despite the fact that it was above and beyond, and this is a problem. I don't think you can change who your bosses are, so you need to decided if you can deal with it, all other things being fine, or if you'd like a different relationship you should find a better fit in a new family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are paid well, on time, and not micromanaged, what is there to complain about? This is an employer/employee relationship and, it seems , to be obvious they wish to keep it this way.

I agree with this. OP, it sounds like you want to fish for compliments. That's unprofessional and inappropriate. Their lack of firing you shows that they like your work. I like my nanny just fine, but when I get home from work I've been gone for 11 hours and really want to spend time with my loved ones. I want to snuggle with my baby and talk with DH about our days. I don't want to stand around chatting with the nanny. As long as my baby is happy and the house is picked up, I don't really feel the need to have any in depth conversations with the nanny about whether DD ate a light lunch, or had a short nap. I'll figure it out based on her behavior.

I think you're heading into. this review with a really bad attitude. You want stroking. Your employers do not owe you that.

Your nanny is with your child for 11 hours per day and you don't find it necessary to ask her how her day went?

[Anonymous]

I'm having a hard time understanding how you've been a nanny for ten years and don't know how to handle this, but the answer is you don't. Asking for anything more than a regular check-in to touch base about the kids is out of line. If you don't like the kind of relationship they want with a nanny (which I wouldn't either), then you need to find another family to work for. They do sound a little rude and inconsiderate but when in your life has talking to someone ever changed that fundamental part of their personality/behavior? Never. Say nothing more than that you feel there has been a shortage of communication and you'd like to figure out a way to have more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are paid well, on time, and not micromanaged, what is there to complain about? This is an employer/employee relationship and, it seems , to be obvious they wish to keep it this way.

I agree with this. OP, it sounds like you want to fish for compliments. That's unprofessional and inappropriate. Their lack of firing you shows that they like your work. I like my nanny just fine, but when I get home from work I've been gone for 11 hours and really want to spend time with my loved ones. I want to snuggle with my baby and talk with DH about our days. I don't want to stand around chatting with the nanny. As long as my baby is happy and the house is picked up, I don't really feel the need to have any in depth conversations with the nanny about whether DD ate a light lunch, or had a short nap. I'll figure it out based on her behavior.

I think you're heading into. this review with a really bad attitude. You want stroking. Your employers do not owe you that.

Your nanny is with your child for 11 hours per day and you don't find it necessary to ask her how her day went?

Nope. If something huge happened she'll let me know, but we don't need to have a heartfelt conversation every day. Again, I'll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

In what ways are your employers non-communicative? Do they give you a chance to give them a re-cap of the day? Do you keep a log of the day's activities for the baby? If so they may not feel the need to receive an oral review on top of the written log. If you don't keep a log and want an opportunity to let them know how the day went you could certainly address that at your review. Something along the lines of, "I know things can get hectic at transition time and you're eager to spend time with the baby after being at work all day, but I want to make sure we're communicating about his/her day. Do you have any ideas on an efficient way to do so?"

As far as the b-day party is concerned I wouldn't bring it up. Not all nannies are invited to their charge's parties. While it's nice to be included it's not a given, and some families really value the employer/employee boundaries. For your employers it sounds like once they got into the working relationship they realized that they preferred a more professional one.

I do think that there might be a mismatch in your working relationship with your employers. You want a different type of working relationship than they do, and it's causing issues on your end. You can't ask them to change how they view the relationship or the type of relationship they forge with you. What you can change is your thoughts on your job or your job itself. Good luck.