How are you inclusive with your au pair on weekends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a stage 5 clinger. She wants to he with us all the time. She is in the family room when I wake up and when I'm asleep. She hears me come home she bolts upstairs. She chatters on and in non stop. She is currently upset because we don't include her in things like going to Costco, wegmans, or our family friends houses for dinner. She is more needy than my own children.

We have never had an AuPair like this and it is miserable. This is our last year and I'm counting down each day until her year is up.

All of our AuPairs wanted to do their own thing on the weekends and evenings. We have never asked an AuPair to work on weekends aside from a free random weekends. We like hanging with our kids and cherish time as a family.

You could also do your share of the deal and ask her if she wants to join you on these family activities.
Not all the time but from time to time. This way she'll feel included.
It looks like you were not meant to do that programme if you're not willing to share much with the AP.

Okay. So if an AP joins the family on their Costco runs, is the AP ALSO embracing the spirit of the program? And by that I mean, embracing the concept of living with an average American family and the reality that entails? Is she helping the parent mind the children in the parking lot? Is she stopping them from pulling down the giant display of spaghetti sauce? Is she helping to load the kids in and out of the car and load the groceries?
Or is the AP spending all the time on her phone, ignoring the kids, avoiding conversation and sulking that we are not curating a more fun experience for her?

Being part of an American family with young kids and working parents means the weekends are spent on things like grocery shopping.
I never expect my APs to join our mundane family activities on the weekends but if they CHOOSE to then I expect them to act like another adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a stage 5 clinger. She wants to he with us all the time. She is in the family room when I wake up and when I'm asleep. She hears me come home she bolts upstairs. She chatters on and in non stop. She is currently upset because we don't include her in things like going to Costco, wegmans, or our family friends houses for dinner. She is more needy than my own children.

We have never had an AuPair like this and it is miserable. This is our last year and I'm counting down each day until her year is up.

All of our AuPairs wanted to do their own thing on the weekends and evenings. We have never asked an AuPair to work on weekends aside from a free random weekends. We like hanging with our kids and cherish time as a family.

You could also do your share of the deal and ask her if she wants to join you on these family activities.
Not all the time but from time to time. This way she'll feel included.
It looks like you were not meant to do that programme if you're not willing to share much with the AP.

Okay. So if an AP joins the family on their Costco runs, is the AP ALSO embracing the spirit of the program? And by that I mean, embracing the concept of living with an average American family and the reality that entails? Is she helping the parent mind the children in the parking lot? Is she stopping them from pulling down the giant display of spaghetti sauce? Is she helping to load the kids in and out of the car and load the groceries?
Or is the AP spending all the time on her phone, ignoring the kids, avoiding conversation and sulking that we are not curating a more fun experience for her?

Being part of an American family with young kids and working parents means the weekends are spent on things like grocery shopping.
I never expect my APs to join our mundane family activities on the weekends but if they CHOOSE to then I expect them to act like another adult.

Agree with the PP. We have had APs, who have done this. Especially early on, when they did not have many friends and were simply interested in bonding with us. In any case, whether it's a mundane trip to Costco or a fun outing, our APs always behave like another helpful adult. I never discussed this with them, but it seems like a given.

To answer OP's original question, at the beginning, we tell our APs about our weekend plans (now matter now mundane) and offer them to join us. As time goes on and they develop their circle of friends, we only tell them about fun outings.

[Anonymous]

Some people over here don't understand that even a stop at Costco's is something interesting for an AP who has seen this store only on tv because they don't have it at home. She'll probably be happy to go once and that's it.

Let it go. Have her on some events and for the rest if she gets upset because you don't take her just remind her that she's in the US to explore and that being upset over something like this is really immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a stage 5 clinger. She wants to he with us all the time. She is in the family room when I wake up and when I'm asleep. She hears me come home she bolts upstairs. She chatters on and in non stop. She is currently upset because we don't include her in things like going to Costco, wegmans, or our family friends houses for dinner. She is more needy than my own children.

We have never had an AuPair like this and it is miserable. This is our last year and I'm counting down each day until her year is up.

All of our AuPairs wanted to do their own thing on the weekends and evenings. We have never asked an AuPair to work on weekends aside from a free random weekends. We like hanging with our kids and cherish time as a family.

You could also do your share of the deal and ask her if she wants to join you on these family activities.
Not all the time but from time to time. This way she'll feel included.
It looks like you were not meant to do that programme if you're not willing to share much with the AP.

She's with us at all hours in the home except when I sleep, though I'm convinced if we allowed it she would sleep in our room. I need to at least be able to get to the store by myself. It's like I have a toddler and grocery shopping is a relief.

We rematched with one like this. It was unbearable. Smothering.

PP has been advised repeatedly to rematch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a stage 5 clinger. She wants to he with us all the time. She is in the family room when I wake up and when I'm asleep. She hears me come home she bolts upstairs. She chatters on and in non stop. She is currently upset because we don't include her in things like going to Costco, wegmans, or our family friends houses for dinner. She is more needy than my own children.

We have never had an AuPair like this and it is miserable. This is our last year and I'm counting down each day until her year is up.

All of our AuPairs wanted to do their own thing on the weekends and evenings. We have never asked an AuPair to work on weekends aside from a free random weekends. We like hanging with our kids and cherish time as a family.

You could also do your share of the deal and ask her if she wants to join you on these family activities.
Not all the time but from time to time. This way she'll feel included.
It looks like you were not meant to do that programme if you're not willing to share much with the AP.

Okay. So if an AP joins the family on their Costco runs, is the AP ALSO embracing the spirit of the program? And by that I mean, embracing the concept of living with an average American family and the reality that entails? Is she helping the parent mind the children in the parking lot? Is she stopping them from pulling down the giant display of spaghetti sauce? Is she helping to load the kids in and out of the car and load the groceries?
Or is the AP spending all the time on her phone, ignoring the kids, avoiding conversation and sulking that we are not curating a more fun experience for her?

Being part of an American family with young kids and working parents means the weekends are spent on things like grocery shopping.
I never expect my APs to join our mundane family activities on the weekends but if they CHOOSE to then I expect them to act like another adult.

Always an angle

[Anonymous]

Our au pair stays at the house all weekend and has not made many friends. We have encouraged her to do so many things but she says she wants to save money. We’ve suggested free things to do in dc and she still stays home all weekend. She hangs in the kitchen but doesn’t really socialize. It’s our first time having an au pair as well. We invite her to almost everything and 90% of the time she declines. Not sure what is normal!

Would love an au pair that enjoys exploring the area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our au pair stays at the house all weekend and has not made many friends. We have encouraged her to do so many things but she says she wants to save money. We’ve suggested free things to do in dc and she still stays home all weekend. She hangs in the kitchen but doesn’t really socialize. It’s our first time having an au pair as well. We invite her to almost everything and 90% of the time she declines. Not sure what is normal!

Would love an au pair that enjoys exploring the area.

You got a lemon, PP. Sorry. Not much you can do, other than keep encouraging. Next time, you can screen better for having an outgoing candidate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our au pair stays at the house all weekend and has not made many friends. We have encouraged her to do so many things but she says she wants to save money. We’ve suggested free things to do in dc and she still stays home all weekend. She hangs in the kitchen but doesn’t really socialize. It’s our first time having an au pair as well. We invite her to almost everything and 90% of the time she declines. Not sure what is normal!

Would love an au pair that enjoys exploring the area.

This is not normal. I would talk to your LCC. She can also encourage her to make friends and go out. She’s really missing out.

[Anonymous]

Our AP also has to be forced to go out - some of them are homebodies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people over here don't understand that even a stop at Costco's is something interesting for an AP who has seen this store only on tv because they don't have it at home. She'll probably be happy to go once and that's it.

Let it go. Have her on some events and for the rest if she gets upset because you don't take her just remind her that she's in the US to explore and that being upset over something like this is really immature.

My AuPair has been here 7 months. She has gone to Costco pleanty. As I said she is in out face every waking moment of the day. I'm no longer taking her to costco or Wegmans. We need a break. I'm literally not her host mom, she wants a mommy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a stage 5 clinger. She wants to he with us all the time. She is in the family room when I wake up and when I'm asleep. She hears me come home she bolts upstairs. She chatters on and in non stop. She is currently upset because we don't include her in things like going to Costco, wegmans, or our family friends houses for dinner. She is more needy than my own children.

We have never had an AuPair like this and it is miserable. This is our last year and I'm counting down each day until her year is up.

All of our AuPairs wanted to do their own thing on the weekends and evenings. We have never asked an AuPair to work on weekends aside from a free random weekends. We like hanging with our kids and cherish time as a family.

You could also do your share of the deal and ask her if she wants to join you on these family activities.
Not all the time but from time to time. This way she'll feel included.
It looks like you were not meant to do that programme if you're not willing to share much with the AP.

She's with us at all hours in the home except when I sleep, though I'm convinced if we allowed it she would sleep in our room. I need to at least be able to get to the store by myself. It's like I have a toddler and grocery shopping is a relief.

We rematched with one like this. It was unbearable. Smothering.

PP has been advised repeatedly to rematch.

I have 5 months left in the program. I'd have to find a rematch AuPair with the exact amount of time left on their contract who also has a US drivers license. I'm on the rematch sites. Very few fit the bill.

Just staggering to the finish line with this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our au pair stays at the house all weekend and has not made many friends. We have encouraged her to do so many things but she says she wants to save money. We’ve suggested free things to do in dc and she still stays home all weekend. She hangs in the kitchen but doesn’t really socialize. It’s our first time having an au pair as well. We invite her to almost everything and 90% of the time she declines. Not sure what is normal!

Would love an au pair that enjoys exploring the area.

This is not normal. I would talk to your LCC. She can also encourage her to make friends and go out. She’s really missing out.

My experience is yiu can ot force these types of AuPairs to be any different. They often have an off putting personality and cannot make friends due to this.

[Anonymous]

I always screened out APs who wanted the family to be their primary social outlet. It's fun to have AP come along on weekend activities every once in a while but families need their space. Most APs need their space and this is not a source of tension. I was very upfront with APs that I need them to have their own life. Most seemed relieved about that. I would not continue discussions with an AP who didn't need a robust social life outside of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always screened out APs who wanted the family to be their primary social outlet. It's fun to have AP come along on weekend activities every once in a while but families need their space. Most APs need their space and this is not a source of tension. I was very upfront with APs that I need them to have their own life. Most seemed relieved about that. I would not continue discussions with an AP who didn't need a robust social life outside of the family.

Sometimes what is advertised not what you get. Or the AuPair you get has a major personality flaw and can't keep friends past the first get together. Sometimes you get an Aupair who is looking for a mother or father figure and doesn't even realize it herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always screened out APs who wanted the family to be their primary social outlet. It's fun to have AP come along on weekend activities every once in a while but families need their space. Most APs need their space and this is not a source of tension. I was very upfront with APs that I need them to have their own life. Most seemed relieved about that. I would not continue discussions with an AP who didn't need a robust social life outside of the family.

Sometimes what is advertised not what you get. Or the AuPair you get has a major personality flaw and can't keep friends past the first get together. Sometimes you get an Aupair who is looking for a mother or father figure and doesn't even realize it herself.

NP - I find that the pictures tend to show a lot. If they have pictures with groups of friends doing adventurous stuff, that’s typically a good sign.