“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MB, I’ll say it is difficult on a sensitive employer to have someone be so needy and in love with your children when you don’t love them in return (nothing personal, just hard to love someone with this kind of relationship at play). Don’t put so much emotional weight on a work situation. You can do a good job and enjoy it without being too emotionally entrenched. In no other field are the workers so entitled to relationships and love. Have some professional distance. The door swings both ways and I know that if I couldn’t pay you, you would not be in my life very often if at all. Why should I allow you access to my children forever or even say you are part of the family?

OP here. Yes, I know. However when your employer floods you with the “I love you”, “You are a forever part of our family”, “You’re my best friend”, etc. it is hard not to internalize the statements.

And loving a child is part of the job - I think it is simply how nannies and preschool teachers are wired. You go the extra ten miles for the child.

But you are right, I will not believe any employer again. I was very lucky with my first two families. Not so with this third.

NP. I'm an MB as well. I don't agree with the tone of first PP here, but I get what she's saying. Our nanny is AMAZING, and loves my children deeply. But she and I also get along, and our personalities mesh. We had another babysitter who I actually asked to nanny for us before we hired our current nanny, but she turned us down because she had just started another job and didn't want to leave so soon. I am so glad that didn't work out, because in hindsight she was very needy, and our personalities didn't click. Our current nanny (and the only one we've ever had) will always be a part of my kids' lives, because she is laid back and easy going, and not pushy and needy.

I'm sorry that this happened to you, OP. A similar thing happened to me when I was a teenager- a family I babysat for regularly for years just up and moved and didn't tell me. That stung for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something very similar happened to me, OP. No goodbyes with the child. No nothing.
If only these self-absorbed parents had a clue, they wouldn't damage their own child like this. It's so unnecessary. And the disastrous consequences can last a lifetime.

To be fair, my mother fired nannies left and right, without having them say goodbye to me, and it was not a big deal to me. There were no "disastrous consequences".
While I'm doing things differently with my children and their nanny, I was not damaged by having nannies leave abruptly. Let's find a way to be kind to OP without being dramatic.

“Nannies”. You wrote “nannies” as in multiple caregivers. That is very different than having one loving nanny from birth who suddenly disappears. Having that one singular figure you depended on and loved simply vanish sets up an inherent memory of adult distrust. Someone who loves and cares for you every day basically can abandon you at anytime.

No drama - simply proven fact. Like the children in orphanages who suffer long term attachment disorder after just the first year of their life without conscious memory.

That's not abandonment if you are a paid caregiver. You are overvaluing your job. You are not a parent replacement.

You are psycho. Do you really think your child believes "she doesn't really love you because she's just the hired help"? A long term devoted nanny has a bond with your child that you don't have the capacity to fathom. But no worries, perhaps you never had a long term devoted nanny.

I've found some insecure mothers will keep the nanny door swinging just to prevent any potential bonding. One must pity them and their children. This is a perfect example of how family dysfunction transfers from one generation to the next. It's so sad.

[Anonymous]

MB. If this is what your former charge’s parents are like then you should just feel good that you were able to give him or her so much love during the period you were in their life. Life can be very hard with a parent that is so cavalier about the connections their child makes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB. If this is what your former charge’s parents are like then you should just feel good that you were able to give him or her so much love during the period you were in their life. Life can be very hard with a parent that is so cavalier about the connections their child makes.

+1. I agree 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something very similar happened to me, OP. No goodbyes with the child. No nothing.
If only these self-absorbed parents had a clue, they wouldn't damage their own child like this. It's so unnecessary. And the disastrous consequences can last a lifetime.

To be fair, my mother fired nannies left and right, without having them say goodbye to me, and it was not a big deal to me. There were no "disastrous consequences".
While I'm doing things differently with my children and their nanny, I was not damaged by having nannies leave abruptly. Let's find a way to be kind to OP without being dramatic.

“Nannies”. You wrote “nannies” as in multiple caregivers. That is very different than having one loving nanny from birth who suddenly disappears. Having that one singular figure you depended on and loved simply vanish sets up an inherent memory of adult distrust. Someone who loves and cares for you every day basically can abandon you at anytime.

No drama - simply proven fact. Like the children in orphanages who suffer long term attachment disorder after just the first year of their life without conscious memory.

That's not abandonment if you are a paid caregiver. You are overvaluing your job. You are not a parent replacement.

You are psycho. Do you really think your child believes "she doesn't really love you because she's just the hired help"? A long term devoted nanny has a bond with your child that you don't have the capacity to fathom. But no worries, perhaps you never had a long term devoted nanny.

I've found some insecure mothers will keep the nanny door swinging just to prevent any potential bonding. One must pity them and their children. This is a perfect example of how family dysfunction transfers from one generation to the next. It's so sad.

Its not dysfunctional. Kids are going to have many caretakers from child care to teachers to coaches in their lives that come and go. It has nothing to do with being insecure. This is your job. Act professional. Jobs end. You cannot expect it to last a lifetime and they be a substitution for your family.

[Anonymous]

MB here reading this thread. I probably work too much, and I travel a lot for work, but this thread makes me feel better. I have busted my butt finding a great nanny for my kids and I find someone with appropriate boundaries who then will always be family. My sons first nanny left to be a school teacher and she still babysits every month at least. We have a new nanny who is even more amazing. She loves my kids and I am grateful for this, not jealous! It is such a privilege to go go work knowing how many people care for my kids and what safe hands they are in!

I’m sorry OP about your situation. I hope you continue to find your new job great.

But while I screened carefully for the too needy, too emotionally involved type, the idea of banning a. caring nanny after bonding is barbaric to me. So now I can sleep knowing there are worse moms than me out there. Perverse, but so be it ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something very similar happened to me, OP. No goodbyes with the child. No nothing.
If only these self-absorbed parents had a clue, they wouldn't damage their own child like this. It's so unnecessary. And the disastrous consequences can last a lifetime.

To be fair, my mother fired nannies left and right, without having them say goodbye to me, and it was not a big deal to me. There were no "disastrous consequences".
While I'm doing things differently with my children and their nanny, I was not damaged by having nannies leave abruptly. Let's find a way to be kind to OP without being dramatic.

“Nannies”. You wrote “nannies” as in multiple caregivers. That is very different than having one loving nanny from birth who suddenly disappears. Having that one singular figure you depended on and loved simply vanish sets up an inherent memory of adult distrust. Someone who loves and cares for you every day basically can abandon you at anytime.

No drama - simply proven fact. Like the children in orphanages who suffer long term attachment disorder after just the first year of their life without conscious memory.

That's not abandonment if you are a paid caregiver. You are overvaluing your job. You are not a parent replacement.

You are psycho. Do you really think your child believes "she doesn't really love you because she's just the hired help"? A long term devoted nanny has a bond with your child that you don't have the capacity to fathom. But no worries, perhaps you never had a long term devoted nanny.

I've found some insecure mothers will keep the nanny door swinging just to prevent any potential bonding. One must pity them and their children. This is a perfect example of how family dysfunction transfers from one generation to the next. It's so sad.

Its not dysfunctional. Kids are going to have many caretakers from child care to teachers to coaches in their lives that come and go. It has nothing to do with being insecure. This is your job. Act professional. Jobs end. You cannot expect it to last a lifetime and they be a substitution for your family.

My children, now 14 and 11, have had two parents and one nanny since the day they were born. This is stability. Yearly teachers and seasonal coaches do not compare at all. OP is professional and understands that jobs end - but the love a child feels for a nanny and the nanny’s love for a child shouldn’t end. Our nanny will be in our lives and our family forever. I can’t even imagine her not being in our lives.

It is a very selfish and petty mother who refuses to allow a former nanny to even visit her charge!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something very similar happened to me, OP. No goodbyes with the child. No nothing.
If only these self-absorbed parents had a clue, they wouldn't damage their own child like this. It's so unnecessary. And the disastrous consequences can last a lifetime.

To be fair, my mother fired nannies left and right, without having them say goodbye to me, and it was not a big deal to me. There were no "disastrous consequences".
While I'm doing things differently with my children and their nanny, I was not damaged by having nannies leave abruptly. Let's find a way to be kind to OP without being dramatic.

“Nannies”. You wrote “nannies” as in multiple caregivers. That is very different than having one loving nanny from birth who suddenly disappears. Having that one singular figure you depended on and loved simply vanish sets up an inherent memory of adult distrust. Someone who loves and cares for you every day basically can abandon you at anytime.

No drama - simply proven fact. Like the children in orphanages who suffer long term attachment disorder after just the first year of their life without conscious memory.

That's not abandonment if you are a paid caregiver. You are overvaluing your job. You are not a parent replacement.

You are psycho. Do you really think your child believes "she doesn't really love you because she's just the hired help"? A long term devoted nanny has a bond with your child that you don't have the capacity to fathom. But no worries, perhaps you never had a long term devoted nanny.

I've found some insecure mothers will keep the nanny door swinging just to prevent any potential bonding. One must pity them and their children. This is a perfect example of how family dysfunction transfers from one generation to the next. It's so sad.

Its not dysfunctional. Kids are going to have many caretakers from child care to teachers to coaches in their lives that come and go. It has nothing to do with being insecure. This is your job. Act professional. Jobs end. You cannot expect it to last a lifetime and they be a substitution for your family.

Perhaps you need to get educated about Reactive Attachment Disorder. Your ignorance is astounding.

One of the causes of RAD is "frequent shifting of primary caregivers" during the early foundational years of your child's life. The consequences can be lifelong.

This has become a common condition.
Do you even care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something very similar happened to me, OP. No goodbyes with the child. No nothing.
If only these self-absorbed parents had a clue, they wouldn't damage their own child like this. It's so unnecessary. And the disastrous consequences can last a lifetime.

To be fair, my mother fired nannies left and right, without having them say goodbye to me, and it was not a big deal to me. There were no "disastrous consequences".
While I'm doing things differently with my children and their nanny, I was not damaged by having nannies leave abruptly. Let's find a way to be kind to OP without being dramatic.

“Nannies”. You wrote “nannies” as in multiple caregivers. That is very different than having one loving nanny from birth who suddenly disappears. Having that one singular figure you depended on and loved simply vanish sets up an inherent memory of adult distrust. Someone who loves and cares for you every day basically can abandon you at anytime.

No drama - simply proven fact. Like the children in orphanages who suffer long term attachment disorder after just the first year of their life without conscious memory.

That's not abandonment if you are a paid caregiver. You are overvaluing your job. You are not a parent replacement.

You are psycho. Do you really think your child believes "she doesn't really love you because she's just the hired help"? A long term devoted nanny has a bond with your child that you don't have the capacity to fathom. But no worries, perhaps you never had a long term devoted nanny.

I've found some insecure mothers will keep the nanny door swinging just to prevent any potential bonding. One must pity them and their children. This is a perfect example of how family dysfunction transfers from one generation to the next. It's so sad.

Its not dysfunctional. Kids are going to have many caretakers from child care to teachers to coaches in their lives that come and go. It has nothing to do with being insecure. This is your job. Act professional. Jobs end. You cannot expect it to last a lifetime and they be a substitution for your family.

My children, now 14 and 11, have had two parents and one nanny since the day they were born. This is stability. Yearly teachers and seasonal coaches do not compare at all. OP is professional and understands that jobs end - but the love a child feels for a nanny and the nanny’s love for a child shouldn’t end. Our nanny will be in our lives and our family forever. I can’t even imagine her not being in our lives.

It is a very selfish and petty mother who refuses to allow a former nanny to even visit her charge!!

Thank you for your beautiful post. I wish other parents would try to understand what's important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a MB, I’ll say it is difficult on a sensitive employer to have someone be so needy and in love with your children when you don’t love them in return (nothing personal, just hard to love someone with this kind of relationship at play). Don’t put so much emotional weight on a work situation. You can do a good job and enjoy it without being too emotionally entrenched. In no other field are the workers so entitled to relationships and love. Have some professional distance. The door swings both ways and I know that if I couldn’t pay you, you would not be in my life very often if at all. Why should I allow you access to my children forever or even say you are part of the family?

Here you have it. You MB are the reason why OP feels the way she feels. Why allow the nanny access to your kids? Because it’s the humane thing to do. You are obviously selfish. There are nannies out there who don’t give a s about their charges, and there are nannies who love them beyond anything. Which nanny would you prefer to have? One that comes for the money, or one that loves your child. I’ve worked for these rich moms before, and it just breaks my heart what I see.
And what does “in no other field are workers entitled to relationships and love”
Hmmmm....maybe because no other field deals with young children. If I clean your house, I don’t care if I miss a dirty spot or break a vase. If I work in retail I don’t care if I drop some clothes, lawyers don’t care if they mess up their clients.
But as a nanny I don’t have a choice, I cannot mess up to begin with. Go to the mirror and look into your own eyes and tell yourself that you are anything but nice. Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MB, I’ll say it is difficult on a sensitive employer to have someone be so needy and in love with your children when you don’t love them in return (nothing personal, just hard to love someone with this kind of relationship at play). Don’t put so much emotional weight on a work situation. You can do a good job and enjoy it without being too emotionally entrenched. In no other field are the workers so entitled to relationships and love. Have some professional distance. The door swings both ways and I know that if I couldn’t pay you, you would not be in my life very often if at all. Why should I allow you access to my children forever or even say you are part of the family?

Here you have it. You MB are the reason why OP feels the way she feels. Why allow the nanny access to your kids? Because it’s the humane thing to do. You are obviously selfish. There are nannies out there who don’t give a s about their charges, and there are nannies who love them beyond anything. Which nanny would you prefer to have? One that comes for the money, or one that loves your child. I’ve worked for these rich moms before, and it just breaks my heart what I see.
And what does “in no other field are workers entitled to relationships and love”
Hmmmm....maybe because no other field deals with young children. If I clean your house, I don’t care if I miss a dirty spot or break a vase. If I work in retail I don’t care if I drop some clothes, lawyers don’t care if they mess up their clients.
But as a nanny I don’t have a choice, I cannot mess up to begin with. Go to the mirror and look into your own eyes and tell yourself that you are anything but nice. Thank you

You are a beautiful person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a MB, I’ll say it is difficult on a sensitive employer to have someone be so needy and in love with your children when you don’t love them in return (nothing personal, just hard to love someone with this kind of relationship at play). Don’t put so much emotional weight on a work situation. You can do a good job and enjoy it without being too emotionally entrenched. In no other field are the workers so entitled to relationships and love. Have some professional distance. The door swings both ways and I know that if I couldn’t pay you, you would not be in my life very often if at all. Why should I allow you access to my children forever or even say you are part of the family?

Here you have it. You MB are the reason why OP feels the way she feels. Why allow the nanny access to your kids? Because it’s the humane thing to do. You are obviously selfish. There are nannies out there who don’t give a s about their charges, and there are nannies who love them beyond anything. Which nanny would you prefer to have? One that comes for the money, or one that loves your child. I’ve worked for these rich moms before, and it just breaks my heart what I see.
And what does “in no other field are workers entitled to relationships and love”
Hmmmm....maybe because no other field deals with young children. If I clean your house, I don’t care if I miss a dirty spot or break a vase. If I work in retail I don’t care if I drop some clothes, lawyers don’t care if they mess up their clients.
But as a nanny I don’t have a choice, I cannot mess up to begin with. Go to the mirror and look into your own eyes and tell yourself that you are anything but nice. Thank you

I am thankful you are not taking care of my kids. if I lost my job or got sick and couldn’t retain the nanny, the nanny would still want to see the children? Of course I would be thrilled with that. Look at yourself in the mirror lady. You obviously have hatred in your heart for the moms who employ you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something very similar happened to me, OP. No goodbyes with the child. No nothing.
If only these self-absorbed parents had a clue, they wouldn't damage their own child like this. It's so unnecessary. And the disastrous consequences can last a lifetime.

To be fair, my mother fired nannies left and right, without having them say goodbye to me, and it was not a big deal to me. There were no "disastrous consequences".
While I'm doing things differently with my children and their nanny, I was not damaged by having nannies leave abruptly. Let's find a way to be kind to OP without being dramatic.

“Nannies”. You wrote “nannies” as in multiple caregivers. That is very different than having one loving nanny from birth who suddenly disappears. Having that one singular figure you depended on and loved simply vanish sets up an inherent memory of adult distrust. Someone who loves and cares for you every day basically can abandon you at anytime.

No drama - simply proven fact. Like the children in orphanages who suffer long term attachment disorder after just the first year of their life without conscious memory.

That's not abandonment if you are a paid caregiver. You are overvaluing your job. You are not a parent replacement.

You are psycho. Do you really think your child believes "she doesn't really love you because she's just the hired help"? A long term devoted nanny has a bond with your child that you don't have the capacity to fathom. But no worries, perhaps you never had a long term devoted nanny.

I've found some insecure mothers will keep the nanny door swinging just to prevent any potential bonding. One must pity them and their children. This is a perfect example of how family dysfunction transfers from one generation to the next. It's so sad.

Its not dysfunctional. Kids are going to have many caretakers from child care to teachers to coaches in their lives that come and go. It has nothing to do with being insecure. This is your job. Act professional. Jobs end. You cannot expect it to last a lifetime and they be a substitution for your family.

Perhaps you need to get educated about Reactive Attachment Disorder. Your ignorance is astounding.

One of the causes of RAD is "frequent shifting of primary caregivers" during the early foundational years of your child's life. The consequences can be lifelong.

This has become a common condition.
Do you even care?

Apparently not.

[Anonymous]

The cruelty of some parents is astounding. That poor child! Fire the nanny but, for the sake of the child, don’t remove her from the child’s life completely!

I will never understand how a mother can say she is a loving mother and do this to her poor child!! The child loves that nanny and depended on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something very similar happened to me, OP. No goodbyes with the child. No nothing.
If only these self-absorbed parents had a clue, they wouldn't damage their own child like this. It's so unnecessary. And the disastrous consequences can last a lifetime.

To be fair, my mother fired nannies left and right, without having them say goodbye to me, and it was not a big deal to me. There were no "disastrous consequences".
While I'm doing things differently with my children and their nanny, I was not damaged by having nannies leave abruptly. Let's find a way to be kind to OP without being dramatic.

“Nannies”. You wrote “nannies” as in multiple caregivers. That is very different than having one loving nanny from birth who suddenly disappears. Having that one singular figure you depended on and loved simply vanish sets up an inherent memory of adult distrust. Someone who loves and cares for you every day basically can abandon you at anytime.

No drama - simply proven fact. Like the children in orphanages who suffer long term attachment disorder after just the first year of their life without conscious memory.

That's not abandonment if you are a paid caregiver. You are overvaluing your job. You are not a parent replacement.

You are psycho. Do you really think your child believes "she doesn't really love you because she's just the hired help"? A long term devoted nanny has a bond with your child that you don't have the capacity to fathom. But no worries, perhaps you never had a long term devoted nanny.

I've found some insecure mothers will keep the nanny door swinging just to prevent any potential bonding. One must pity them and their children. This is a perfect example of how family dysfunction transfers from one generation to the next. It's so sad.

Its not dysfunctional. Kids are going to have many caretakers from child care to teachers to coaches in their lives that come and go. It has nothing to do with being insecure. This is your job. Act professional. Jobs end. You cannot expect it to last a lifetime and they be a substitution for your family.

Perhaps you need to get educated about Reactive Attachment Disorder. Your ignorance is astounding.

One of the causes of RAD is "frequent shifting of primary caregivers" during the early foundational years of your child's life. The consequences can be lifelong.

This has become a common condition.
Do you even care?

Kids are not getting RAD from a nanny. Its the parents/parenting that is an issue. You sound nuts to think that. Many kids have nannies early on and don't remember them. My child cannot remember early caretakers or even some of the teachers from a few years ago. Its about you and your need and you are rationalizing it by saying it is damaging to the child.

RAD is not a child living with their parents in a stable home environment with a few nannies/caretakers who rotate. Kids go to day care change providers and they are fine. Its the parents and stable home life, not a daily caretaker, which isn't a parent replacement.