Want to quit my job but worried about my son losing his nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a regular scheduled way to keep the nanny in his life. It is important that the shift be gradual and she doesn't "abandon" him completely.

Stay on fantastic terms with this nanny because staying at home is really, really hard and lonely. Your relationship with your husband will change (for the better or worse - but it will change) and you may feel less-than in th eyes of your work friends. You might want to go back to work.

None of what you said makes any sense. A one year old will easily forget a beloved caregiver, sad, but true. And especially in this case where the one year old will be going from nanny to mom, it truly is a non-issue. As to staying on fantastic terms with the nanny, sure, but not for the reasons you mentioned. You think the nanny is going to wait in the wings, unemployed, to see if mom changes her mind and goes back to work? You sound like an idiot.

Yes, the nanny will easily be forgotten but the loss and abandonment will imprint his psyche. There have been studies on this, PP. Please look them up. The fact that he will not remember specifics about anything is irrelevant. A bond is an bond. I am a child psychologist as well as a mother of three.

And please stop embarrassing yourself with comments like "You sound like an idiot".

I would like to know what exactly these studies looked at, please send links. I don't doubt that an infant can feel abandonment, but I'm guessing these studies didn't involve a mother returning home to her child while the nanny gradually transitions out. The PP implied (see bolded text) that the infant will experience some irreversible trauma if the nanny is no longer in the picture, which I strongly do not believe would happen if the MB takes pains to make the transition gentle. As if this MB does not have enough to worry about, the PP is just adding to the guilt and worry load with unwarranted claims. Hence why I called BS.

NP here and google is your friend. Just look it up, PP. I remember reading studies in college about abandonment issues in newborns. It has nothing to do with conscious memory - it is about experiencing a sudden loss. The baby has no way to process why nanny/grandma/daddy isn't with them anymore.

I am an MB and I do honor the love my daughter has for her nanny. It isn't in competition with my love for her or her love for me. I am sorry you can't see that, PO.

As for OP, I hope it works out for you. I also recommend doing the transition slowly with you baby and the nanny and then keeping the nanny in her life in some capacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a regular scheduled way to keep the nanny in his life. It is important that the shift be gradual and she doesn't "abandon" him completely.

Stay on fantastic terms with this nanny because staying at home is really, really hard and lonely. Your relationship with your husband will change (for the better or worse - but it will change) and you may feel less-than in th eyes of your work friends. You might want to go back to work.

None of what you said makes any sense. A one year old will easily forget a beloved caregiver, sad, but true. And especially in this case where the one year old will be going from nanny to mom, it truly is a non-issue. As to staying on fantastic terms with the nanny, sure, but not for the reasons you mentioned. You think the nanny is going to wait in the wings, unemployed, to see if mom changes her mind and goes back to work? You sound like an idiot.

Yes, the nanny will easily be forgotten but the loss and abandonment will imprint his psyche. There have been studies on this, PP. Please look them up. The fact that he will not remember specifics about anything is irrelevant. A bond is an bond. I am a child psychologist as well as a mother of three.

And please stop embarrassing yourself with comments like "You sound like an idiot".

I would like to know what exactly these studies looked at, please send links. I don't doubt that an infant can feel abandonment, but I'm guessing these studies didn't involve a mother returning home to her child while the nanny gradually transitions out. The PP implied (see bolded text) that the infant will experience some irreversible trauma if the nanny is no longer in the picture, which I strongly do not believe would happen if the MB takes pains to make the transition gentle. As if this MB does not have enough to worry about, the PP is just adding to the guilt and worry load with unwarranted claims. Hence why I called BS.

NP here and google is your friend. Just look it up, PP. I remember reading studies in college about abandonment issues in newborns. It has nothing to do with conscious memory - it is about experiencing a sudden loss. The baby has no way to process why nanny/grandma/daddy isn't with them anymore.

I am an MB and I do honor the love my daughter has for her nanny. It isn't in competition with my love for her or her love for me. I am sorry you can't see that, PO.

As for OP, I hope it works out for you. I also recommend doing the transition slowly with you baby and the nanny and then keeping the nanny in her life in some capacity.

I did google and could not find any studies that conclude that an infant will be irreversibly traumatized by the gentle exit of a caregiver while still in the care of a caregiver who has been with him/her since birth. What studies I have heard about are infants abandoned by their parents and had ZERO stable caregiver, which is obviously different. So instead of flippantly suggesting use google, how about some links? Guessing there aren't any.

[Anonymous]

Just keep the nanny and pay her for the next 17 years. Unless you want her to follow your child to college.

[Anonymous]

Its sweet of you to worry about this, but your son will be fine. A lot of change overs aren't good, but you're talking about you staying home and not replacing your nanny with another nanny.
You could give your nanny options if you wanted her to stay in his life. Either as a sitter or if you want some day time help. I have a nanny friend who started a job with a 3yr old and a 1yr old. A few months later the mb decided to quit her job. My friend was upset but she understood. Mb said she no longer would need her full time but would be open to one day a wk and that if my friend found herself with a day spare she would keep her that day. My friend said she couldn't promise anything and she would look at both full time options and an option where she left a day spare. In the end she found a 3 day position so stayed one day.

[Anonymous]

Ugh... the responses to threads like this are so tiresome. Mothers do desperately trying to minimize the importance of the nanny to their child. Like a PP, I am not threatened by my daughter's love for her nanny nor am I about to downplay her importance to my daughter.

To OP, you sound like a happy and secure mother. Some of the others... send your kids to daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh... the responses to threads like this are so tiresome. Mothers do desperately trying to minimize the importance of the nanny to their child. Like a PP, I am not threatened by my daughter's love for her nanny nor am I about to downplay her importance to my daughter.

To OP, you sound like a happy and secure mother. Some of the others... send your kids to daycare.

I'm one of the PPs "desperately trying to minimize..." etc., according to you. It's not that I think the nanny is not important to the child, I'm being realistic. The fact is that there are many barriers to a nanny staying a *regular* part of the child's life. I don't mean occasional visits, but consistent quality time with the child so that the bond is maintained, which is what a lot of PPs are suggesting. Most nanny jobs are 5 days/week, full-time hours, so chances are that the job with best fit for the nanny will not come with a day or several hours off where she can have a regular babysitting gig. If she's working 45-50 hours/week, chances are good she will want the weekends to herself and not want to date night sit her prior charge OR her new NF will ask her to do occasional date night sitting and that is all she will have time for. DC's former nanny truly loved DC and when we could not keep her on anymore, I told her that it would make us so happy if she stayed in DC's life by regular date night or weekday sitting and she refused straightaway. She was used to being a big part of DC's life and knew she would no longer be if watching DC for a few hours a week and would rather have the clean break. In my past interviewing of nannies, one question I ask is if they are in touch with prior charges and maybe a couple would see theirs every few months or so. No one had a regular or semi-regular visit or babysitting gig and while there can be many reasons for this (NF moved away, kids are too old to be babysat, MB/DB didn't want to continue the relationship), my observation is that it is very uncommon so should not be expected by the OP or other MBs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a regular scheduled way to keep the nanny in his life. It is important that the shift be gradual and she doesn't "abandon" him completely.

Stay on fantastic terms with this nanny because staying at home is really, really hard and lonely. Your relationship with your husband will change (for the better or worse - but it will change) and you may feel less-than in th eyes of your work friends. You might want to go back to work.

None of what you said makes any sense. A one year old will easily forget a beloved caregiver, sad, but true. And especially in this case where the one year old will be going from nanny to mom, it truly is a non-issue. As to staying on fantastic terms with the nanny, sure, but not for the reasons you mentioned. You think the nanny is going to wait in the wings, unemployed, to see if mom changes her mind and goes back to work? You sound like an idiot.

Yes, the nanny will easily be forgotten but the loss and abandonment will imprint his psyche. There have been studies on this, PP. Please look them up. The fact that he will not remember specifics about anything is irrelevant. A bond is an bond. I am a child psychologist as well as a mother of three.

And please stop embarrassing yourself with comments like "You sound like an idiot".

I would like to know what exactly these studies looked at, please send links. I don't doubt that an infant can feel abandonment, but I'm guessing these studies didn't involve a mother returning home to her child while the nanny gradually transitions out. The PP implied (see bolded text) that the infant will experience some irreversible trauma if the nanny is no longer in the picture, which I strongly do not believe would happen if the MB takes pains to make the transition gentle. As if this MB does not have enough to worry about, the PP is just adding to the guilt and worry load with unwarranted claims. Hence why I called BS.

NP here and google is your friend. Just look it up, PP. I remember reading studies in college about abandonment issues in newborns. It has nothing to do with conscious memory - it is about experiencing a sudden loss. The baby has no way to process why nanny/grandma/daddy isn't with them anymore.

I am an MB and I do honor the love my daughter has for her nanny. It isn't in competition with my love for her or her love for me. I am sorry you can't see that, PO.

As for OP, I hope it works out for you. I also recommend doing the transition slowly with you baby and the nanny and then keeping the nanny in her life in some capacity.

I did google and could not find any studies that conclude that an infant will be irreversibly traumatized by the gentle exit of a caregiver while still in the care of a caregiver who has been with him/her since birth. What studies I have heard about are infants abandoned by their parents and had ZERO stable caregiver, which is obviously different. So instead of flippantly suggesting use google, how about some links? Guessing there aren't any.

You can find studies to support ANY claim. The PP is a nutcase and I wouldn't take her warning seriously.

[Anonymous]

PP isn't a nutcase. Use your common sense. Do you seriously believe that a toddler cannot truly feel love or loss?

Come on... I know so many other MBs want to believe that a nanny means nothing to their child but it simply isn't true. Stop being so insecure-your child loving a nanny is no reflection on you.

[Anonymous]

If you make up your mind to stay home that is your choice and your decision and it certainly doesn't seem to be carelessly made. Your child will NEVER NOT benefit from the time you spend with him. Do what is best for you and your family. At the same time, do the right thing by your nanny. Give her plenty of notice, give a positive reference (a letter as well as by phone) and if she is willing, continue to make her a part of your child's life one way or another. Win win situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you make up your mind to stay home that is your choice and your decision and it certainly doesn't seem to be carelessly made. Your child will NEVER NOT benefit from the time you spend with him. Do what is best for you and your family. At the same time, do the right thing by your nanny. Give her plenty of notice, give a positive reference (a letter as well as by phone) and if she is willing, continue to make her a part of your child's life one way or another. Win win situation.

You never met my mother. Everyone benefits for NO TIME spent with her.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Appreciate everyone's input. I actually was able to work out going part time which I thought my boss would never agree to. We are keeping nanny on full time salary in exchange for her remaining "on call" with a week advance notice in case I have a meeting I can't miss on a day off. so Hopefully that will work for everyone! Not the greatest for my short term finances, but good for my long term career path and for my son both having more time with me and getting to keep his nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Appreciate everyone's input. I actually was able to work out going part time which I thought my boss would never agree to. We are keeping nanny on full time salary in exchange for her remaining "on call" with a week advance notice in case I have a meeting I can't miss on a day off. so Hopefully that will work for everyone! Not the greatest for my short term finances, but good for my long term career path and for my son both having more time with me and getting to keep his nanny.

I think that's great for you, but I warn you that the "on call" thing can become a problem. People get used to time off pretty quickly, and if she's usually doing a 20-24 hour week, she will start to find the weeks you want her to do 35 or 40 more and more onerous.

You've already made this deal, but just keep in the back of your head that you are paying her for full time hours, and it's not a favor to you if you ask her to work them.

Also, as someone who works part time, one advantage to part time work is that you can affordably build in more overlap time. I strongly suggest your regular schedule include a block of time you can use for things like doctor and hair appointments, or running errands. It will make your evenings and weekends much, much better. Right now, you're just thinking of all the time you can spend with DC, but also think about how you can use those 40 hours a week to make your life easier for all of you and free up more time to relax as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Appreciate everyone's input. I actually was able to work out going part time which I thought my boss would never agree to. We are keeping nanny on full time salary in exchange for her remaining "on call" with a week advance notice in case I have a meeting I can't miss on a day off. so Hopefully that will work for everyone! Not the greatest for my short term finances, but good for my long term career path and for my son both having more time with me and getting to keep his nanny.

I think that's great for you, but I warn you that the "on call" thing can become a problem. People get used to time off pretty quickly, and if she's usually doing a 20-24 hour week, she will start to find the weeks you want her to do 35 or 40 more and more onerous.

You've already made this deal, but just keep in the back of your head that you are paying her for full time hours, and it's not a favor to you if you ask her to work them.

Also, as someone who works part time, one advantage to part time work is that you can affordably build in more overlap time. I strongly suggest your regular schedule include a block of time you can use for things like doctor and hair appointments, or running errands. It will make your evenings and weekends much, much better. Right now, you're just thinking of all the time you can spend with DC, but also think about how you can use those 40 hours a week to make your life easier for all of you and free up more time to relax as a family.

Yes that's a good point about overlap and freeing up weekend time. I know what you mean about on call, but I didn't see any great way around it. I do know she loves working for us so I'm hoping as long as I'm not calling her in last minute it won't become an issue.

[Anonymous]

Congrats, OP - It sounds like a great plan and a win-win for everyone especially your child.

Well done!!