Good Nannies maintain Healthy Boundaries

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our nanny is the one w/ the boundary issues - I wish she had some. It's hard to hear every physical ailment, every family challenge, every landlord gripe, etc...

And there have been occasions where I have had to tell her to stop the comments implying that she takes better care of my children than I do.

I trust this woman wholeheartedly with my children, (and I also do care for her personally after three years with our family) so I put up w/ a lot of things
that drive me a little crazy, but I sure wish the nanny could take some lessons from some of you in how to keep work and personal lives separate.

OP here. I agree with you, PP. I don't know your nanny, but her professionalism seems to be lacking in this regard. Do you have routine meetings with her, and without the children? Do you feel you could maybe address your discomfort with knowing so much of her private affairs? Does she have other adults with whom she associates? I've sometimes seen that some nannies are so starved for normal adult communication, that it's just too much for MB at the end of a long day at the office. It's definately a difficult situation to navigate, but I encourage you to carefully take that risk when you feel able to. She may learn something valuable which can serve her well throughout the rest of her career.
Do you think she's fishing for a raise, that might help reduce her financial stress? If so, maybe address that. Let her know what she can expect.
Good luck with this issue. I think it's important and bless you for being sensitive to it.

[Anonymous]

For some reason many of the MB/DBs here forget that nannies don't have colleagues. We have days where, in a 10 hour span, you are literally the only adult we will interact with. For some, it is really hard not to want to share (or over-share as the case may be) at the end of our day.

Most of you go to your offices and have people who ask how your day is/cold is feeling/gripe about the broken whatever in the office to you...you know, normal, adult conversation. And yes, I am sure there is also an office busy body who is in everyone's business and over-sharing theirs. This does not make anyone involved bad at their job or significantly less professional, just a bit more annoying when it is in excess.

Nannies are human beings too, with ranges of personalities and needs for interaction. I fail to see why telling your employer/only colleague/parent of the children that you spend the entire day caring for that you have a headache or your that child has a cold is unacceptable and leads to being deemed "unprofessional".
If you don't want to interact personally with another adult, do not invite one into your home 5 days a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For some reason many of the MB/DBs here forget that nannies don't have colleagues. We have days where, in a 10 hour span, you are literally the only adult we will interact with. For some, it is really hard not to want to share (or over-share as the case may be) at the end of our day.

Most of you go to your offices and have people who ask how your day is/cold is feeling/gripe about the broken whatever in the office to you...you know, normal, adult conversation. And yes, I am sure there is also an office busy body who is in everyone's business and over-sharing theirs. This does not make anyone involved bad at their job or significantly less professional, just a bit more annoying when it is in excess.

Nannies are human beings too, with ranges of personalities and needs for interaction. I fail to see why telling your employer/only colleague/parent of the children that you spend the entire day caring for that you have a headache or your that child has a cold is unacceptable and leads to being deemed "unprofessional".
If you don't want to interact personally with another adult, do not invite one into your home 5 days a week.

While I understand that being a nanny is a lonely job - there is still no reason to "overshare". I may talk to hundreds of other adults at my work place during the course of the day but those conversations are NOT of a personal nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For some reason many of the MB/DBs here forget that nannies don't have colleagues. We have days where, in a 10 hour span, you are literally the only adult we will interact with. For some, it is really hard not to want to share (or over-share as the case may be) at the end of our day.

Most of you go to your offices and have people who ask how your day is/cold is feeling/gripe about the broken whatever in the office to you...you know, normal, adult conversation. And yes, I am sure there is also an office busy body who is in everyone's business and over-sharing theirs. This does not make anyone involved bad at their job or significantly less professional, just a bit more annoying when it is in excess.

Nannies are human beings too, with ranges of personalities and needs for interaction. I fail to see why telling your employer/only colleague/parent of the children that you spend the entire day caring for that you have a headache or your that child has a cold is unacceptable and leads to being deemed "unprofessional".
If you don't want to interact personally with another adult, do not invite one into your home 5 days a week.

Mb here and I agree. Of course there are instances of oversharing but as a whole, I like that DS' nanny talks to me. She is still a professional and has been with us for 6 years, so obviously we are both doing something right! I was a SAHM for 18 months and there were days that he was my only interaction. When DH got home, id be ready to talk his est off! That's why we encourage DS' nanny to do various activities that provide stimulation and activity for our toddler while also giving his nanny a chance ti talk to other adults!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For some reason many of the MB/DBs here forget that nannies don't have colleagues. We have days where, in a 10 hour span, you are literally the only adult we will interact with. For some, it is really hard not to want to share (or over-share as the case may be) at the end of our day.

Most of you go to your offices and have people who ask how your day is/cold is feeling/gripe about the broken whatever in the office to you...you know, normal, adult conversation. And yes, I am sure there is also an office busy body who is in everyone's business and over-sharing theirs. This does not make anyone involved bad at their job or significantly less professional, just a bit more annoying when it is in excess.

Nannies are human beings too, with ranges of personalities and needs for interaction. I fail to see why telling your employer/only colleague/parent of the children that you spend the entire day caring for that you have a headache or your that child has a cold is unacceptable and leads to being deemed "unprofessional".
If you don't want to interact personally with another adult, do not invite one into your home 5 days a week.

I completely agree, and I'm the MB who said I wish my nanny had better boundaries.

I'm not talking about needing/wanting some adult contact. I'm talking about not telling me graphic details of your GI distress last night versus the night before, and your prolapsed uterus (and insistence on not doing what you've been medically advised to do). I'm talking about letting me walk in the door and say hello to my children before you drown me in complaints about your landlord's dog's housebreaking problems, and your unfavorable opinion of the new girlfriend of the widowed father whose kids you nannied previously.

Our nanny is extraordinary with kids. Extraordinary, experienced, endlessly patient, loving, safe, reliable, and on and on... But she's not so good in the adult world. And despite the conversations we regularly have to touch base, or reestablish some boundaries, she routinely slips back. It's a price I'm willing to pay for the excellent care my kids get and the peace of mind I have when I'm not home, but better boundaries would be lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For some reason many of the MB/DBs here forget that nannies don't have colleagues. We have days where, in a 10 hour span, you are literally the only adult we will interact with. For some, it is really hard not to want to share (or over-share as the case may be) at the end of our day.

Most of you go to your offices and have people who ask how your day is/cold is feeling/gripe about the broken whatever in the office to you...you know, normal, adult conversation. And yes, I am sure there is also an office busy body who is in everyone's business and over-sharing theirs. This does not make anyone involved bad at their job or significantly less professional, just a bit more annoying when it is in excess.

Nannies are human beings too, with ranges of personalities and needs for interaction. I fail to see why telling your employer/only colleague/parent of the children that you spend the entire day caring for that you have a headache or your that child has a cold is unacceptable and leads to being deemed "unprofessional".
If you don't want to interact personally with another adult, do not invite one into your home 5 days a week.

I completely agree, and I'm the MB who said I wish my nanny had better boundaries.

I'm not talking about needing/wanting some adult contact. I'm talking about not telling me graphic details of your GI distress last night versus the night before, and your prolapsed uterus (and insistence on not doing what you've been medically advised to do). I'm talking about letting me walk in the door and say hello to my children before you drown me in complaints about your landlord's dog's housebreaking problems, and your unfavorable opinion of the new girlfriend of the widowed father whose kids you nannied previously.

Our nanny is extraordinary with kids. Extraordinary, experienced, endlessly patient, loving, safe, reliable, and on and on... But she's not so good in the adult world. And despite the conversations we regularly have to touch base, or reestablish some boundaries, she routinely slips back. It's a price I'm willing to pay for the excellent care my kids get and the peace of mind I have when I'm not home, but better boundaries would be lovely.

You are one smart Mom, and I applaud you for that. None of us does everything perfectly right, and your priorities are exactly where they should be, getting (and keeping!) the best possible substitute childcare, during your absence. Kudos to you.

[Anonymous]

My nanny has healthy boundaries such as speaking up when she doesn't quite understand the context of something I am saying or asking of her. She also knows when to take charge and when to take a step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My nanny has healthy boundaries such as speaking up when she doesn't quite understand the context of something I am saying or asking of her. She also knows when to take charge and when to take a step back.

Do you believe she speaks up when she's uncomfortable with something you've asked of her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even though I spend the majority of time with your child, I know when to step back and let you be mom. I respect your rules and your moods. I know how hard it is for you to leave your child with me everyday so you can work so I endeavor to make you feel at ease when your child is with me and in charge when your child is with you. I don't give advice, I make suggestions. I don't refer to your child as mine. They are not mine, they are yours. I'm there when you need me and away when you don't. I know when you want to talk and act like you're my friend and when you want to be left alone and act like I'm the help. I'm not your mom or your sister. I'm your employee. But I'm there if you need me. For anything.

Please come be my nanny. I will never bug you on the weekends, I am never late, I don't ask you to do ridiculous things for my kids. But in return I don't want you to tell me that you've been taking care of kids longer than me so you know better (really happened), that I picked the wrong carpet for my basement (really happened), that I need to relax when I am asking you for the 40th time to handle the kids like I ask (happens a lot), and asking me when am I going to have more babies so you can keep your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even though I spend the majority of time with your child, I know when to step back and let you be mom. I respect your rules and your moods. I know how hard it is for you to leave your child with me everyday so you can work so I endeavor to make you feel at ease when your child is with me and in charge when your child is with you. I don't give advice, I make suggestions. I don't refer to your child as mine. They are not mine, they are yours. I'm there when you need me and away when you don't. I know when you want to talk and act like you're my friend and when you want to be left alone and act like I'm the help. I'm not your mom or your sister. I'm your employee. But I'm there if you need me. For anything.

Please come be my nanny. I will never bug you on the weekends, I am never late, I don't ask you to do ridiculous things for my kids. But in return I don't want you to tell me that you've been taking care of kids longer than me so you know better (really happened), that I picked the wrong carpet for my basement (really happened), that I need to relax when I am asking you for the 40th time to handle the kids like I ask (happens a lot), and asking me when am I going to have more babies so you can keep your job.

Can you afford $60/hr? You know, like the housekeeper lady that we all want, but can't afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doormat nannies allow you (and your kids!) to walk all over them. Perhaps that's precisely what some short-sighted and self-absorbed parents want?
What healthy boundaries does your nanny have?

My nanny does what I ask and doesn't raise a fuss, and that way she keeps a healthy bank account. I guess if you want healthy boundaries you can live on the street.

How funny!!

[Anonymous]

Part of being a professional nanny, is leaving a job where the parents actual want you to endanger the child's safety.

Spanking, babywise, etc. I'm sure there's more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of being a professional nanny, is leaving a job where the parents actual want you to endanger the child's safety.

Spanking, babywise, etc. I'm sure there's more.

*actually

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even though I spend the majority of time with your child, I know when to step back and let you be mom. I respect your rules and your moods. I know how hard it is for you to leave your child with me everyday so you can work so I endeavor to make you feel at ease when your child is with me and in charge when your child is with you. I don't give advice, I make suggestions. I don't refer to your child as mine. They are not mine, they are yours. I'm there when you need me and away when you don't. I know when you want to talk and act like you're my friend and when you want to be left alone and act like I'm the help. I'm not your mom or your sister. I'm your employee. But I'm there if you need me. For anything.

You sound terrific. Your MB is fortunate to have you as her child's nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even though I spend the majority of time with your child, I know when to step back and let you be mom. I respect your rules and your moods. I know how hard it is for you to leave your child with me everyday so you can work so I endeavor to make you feel at ease when your child is with me and in charge when your child is with you. I don't give advice, I make suggestions. I don't refer to your child as mine. They are not mine, they are yours. I'm there when you need me and away when you don't. I know when you want to talk and act like you're my friend and when you want to be left alone and act like I'm the help. I'm not your mom or your sister. I'm your employee. But I'm there if you need me. For anything.

Please come be my nanny. I will never bug you on the weekends, I am never late, I don't ask you to do ridiculous things for my kids. But in return I don't want you to tell me that you've been taking care of kids longer than me so you know better (really happened), that I picked the wrong carpet for my basement (really happened), that I need to relax when I am asking you for the 40th time to handle the kids like I ask (happens a lot), and asking me when am I going to have more babies so you can keep your job.

MB here. Your conditions are unnecessary with this kind of nanny. She gets it.