Would you hire a nanny in this situation (Fiance just passed away)?

[Anonymous]

OP here -- Everyone grieves differently and I am doing the best I can by staying distracted. When I sit at home thinking about him I am upset but if I busy myself in pubic I am fine.

My therapist things I am doing well and thinks that it is best for me to begin working as soon as possible in order to distract myself and give myself a purpose.

I want to continue on with my life as best as I can. I plan to do a lot of volunteer and activism work in his honor but I cannot commit to any times to volunteer until I have a work schedule in place.

Also, I am posing this question to a group of strangers online because I am asking PARENTS their opinions on how whether or not they would hire someone in this situation. My therapist (nor anyone who I know in my private life) does not employ nannies and so it would be irrelevant for me to ask them this question.

Also, the position that I am interviewing for this week would start part-time within the next month or so and wouldn't go full time until Summer. I thought that it would be the perfect position to ease me into working.

[Anonymous]

Just my take... I feel like your question is more of a boundary issue, less of an employment issue. Your mb should not be your best friend. Nannies and MBs often have poor boundaries. But they seem to have plenty of relationship problems, with each other. See any possible correlation ?

[Anonymous]

MB here. I would not having a problem hiring you and I would respect an honest answer (fiance passed away, decided to move home). My condolences on your loss.

However, I have to say that given how recent this is, how quickly you left your last job, how quickly you're jumping back in, and how I know loss/grief can take a while and rear it's head in unexpected ways, I'm not sure I would be totally comfortable assuming you would be long term or especially stable in the position. That isn't a slam against you - just what my concern might be and something I might consider if evaluating multiple candidates. You definitely should be honest (people understand life changing events) but also be careful not to overshare in a way that makes potential employers worry that you aren't capable of being calm and professional, fully engaged with their kids, able to give your best while on the job, etc...

But, a part time position for the next few months does sound like a very reasonable way to start. I think that could allow you time to grieve, and also allow you to maintain professionalism at work during the hours you're "on duty". Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

MB here. I doubt I would ask you why you moved to the area, but if I did and you gave that answer, it would just be a point of information and I would not likely ever ask you about it again, out of respect for your privacy and in support of healthy boundaries at work. It would not affect my decision to hire you. I'm only concerned with your qualifications, experience, and disposition.

The thing for you to remember is that you are very young (a note from your therapist to parents is a bad idea) and you are inexperienced, so I would wonder if, as your grieving process unfolds, you would need to discuss this actively with many people in your life. Out of respect for boundaries, I would not want to hear about this very personal issue at work.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I just went through this. My SO passed away when our baby was 9 weeks old. This was 3 1/2 months ago. I started interviewing in early January. I don't mention his passing in my interviews. I mention my baby but no one asks about the father. I fee people would be hesistant to hire someone who isgrieving. I just got offered a job and I intend to tell the family but when I feel comfortable. I don't have to share any aspect of my personal life with them but this one is a big deal so I think in time it would be appropriate but certainly not in an interview. I did mention it in one interview and I think it cost me the job. The couple's anniversary was the same day of his passing and when they mentioned that, I immediately got jittery and so I mentioned it. I would keep it to myself at least in the beginning. Also, in the first two weeks, there is no way I would have been ready but that's just me. I'm forced to go back to work because I have a 6 month old child who has no father; otherwise, I would just hang out with my baby for a little longer. Good luck with your decision. I know what you are going through, believe me, so please take my advice!

[Anonymous]

OP here --- I don't have boundary issues. I wouldn't offer this information myself, only if prompted during an interview from an MB. I have people to talk to this about, I don't need to hash my information to a stranger during an interview or to an employer at work.

After reading responses here if someone asks me what brings me back to the area (which I am expecting them to ask) I will tell them I moved back to be closer with my family. If they ask me if I am in a relationship (which families commonly do during interviews) then at this point I am planning on being honest and letting them know that my Fiance passed away and leave it at that. If they don't press then I won't give them any time frames with his death.

[Anonymous]

I think it's too much information for initial interviews. I would just answer that you wanted to be back closer to your family and leave it at that. I've never had a family ask me about being in a relationship in an interview.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's too much information for initial interviews. I would just answer that you wanted to be back closer to your family and leave it at that. I've never had a family ask me about being in a relationship in an interview.

+1

[Anonymous]

Just tell them that you moved to another state to be with your BF, and that you have since moved back to be closer to home again. Anything else is none of their business. They will just assume that you broke up and wanted to be near family. Any further questions about it shows that they are nosy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here --- I don't have boundary issues. I wouldn't offer this information myself, only if prompted during an interview from an MB. I have people to talk to this about, I don't need to hash my information to a stranger during an interview or to an employer at work.

After reading responses here if someone asks me what brings me back to the area (which I am expecting them to ask) I will tell them I moved back to be closer with my family. If they ask me if I am in a relationship (which families commonly do during interviews) then at this point I am planning on being honest and letting them know that my Fiance passed away and leave it at that. If they don't press then I won't give them any time frames with his death.

You say you don't want to lie, but saying you are not in a relationship at this time is also the truth. There really is no need to tell people he died. When you do that you are looking for extra sympathy and compassion, which is fine from friends but really a potential employer shouldn't need to have this for you when trying to decide on hiring you. Let them give this later on after you are hired and when they start to get closer to you, and you to them and feel comfortable telling them this news. If you are asking people if you should tell others about this, that means you are not ready to tell the person. When the time is right in conversation, then it will naturally come out and you will not be hesitant to say anything.

I do agree that this would be a good position for you to go back to, something PT for a few months that would turn into FT. I do also agree with others that it would be better to wait another couple weeks before interviewing if at all possible, but this position wouldn't start for maybe a couple weeks which could give you just a bit more time before jumping in to work again.

[Anonymous]

Lots of nannies seem to have boundary issues, MBs to. Employers and employees should not know everything about each other. Simply not wise.
Just because someone asks you something inappropriate, does not make it appropriate to answer.

[Anonymous]

I thought about this thread for awhile because I realized I would be hesitant to hire you. A nanny is the only person in her job; there are no coworkers who can cover for you if you have a bad day, and back-up caregivers generally require extra attention, so as a MB, knowing my nanny is reliable is probably equally as important to me as knowing she loves children.

The COMBINATION of your age and the tragedy would definitely make me hesitant to hire you. I would worry about whether you would suddenly find yourself too upset to come to work because it's his birthday, or the anniversary of the day you met, or the day that was supposed to be your wedding day. For someone so you to have already been engaged, moved away from family, and had a major life change ... I don't know ... as a MB, I might think this was just too much for me to take on.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 9:04. It's just too much stuff. Similar tragedies can happen to anyone. But making it known during the first interview, would not be appropriate. "I want to be totally honest, so let me tell them everything", is not a professional strategy.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- Thank you for the honest responses. I will try my best to avoid the subject during interview. If it is a nosy MB who asks lots of personal questions then it may come out but I don't foresee that happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that after two weeks you are still in shock and haven't begun to grieve. I don't say that as a criticism; rather, a warning that his death is going to affect you in ways you aren't expecting and that's ok. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I would not share that much information with prospective em

Agree. Strongly. I am a psychologist and can not imagine telling a patient that two weeks after a sudden death where two people were supposed to have decades together, that yes they are ready to head back to work. Even the most psychologically healthy person would not be ready after two weeks.