Would you hire a nanny in this situation (Fiance just passed away)?

[Anonymous]

OP here -- I'm wondering what middle-aged people do if their spouse passes away? Most work places allow some time (maybe up to five days for a close relative) off but do they just quit their job? Take a leave of absence (if their position will allow it)? How do they pay their bills? My Fiance's parents returned to work one week after he passed. I just don't think it's practical for people to take extended periods of time off from work when someone passes away. Yes, there is mourning, there is grieving, but life must go on. Bills must be paid. I am just wondering what other people do.

[Anonymous]

OP - the difference is that they are at an established job, with coworkers and bosses who know them and can provide a support system. I had a close coworker 2 years ago who lost her son in a horrific car accident. She took 3 weeks off of work and then came back because she couldn't stand sitting at home anymore. But almost every day for the next few months, she'd have a little breakdown. She would see, hear, or smell something that reminded her of her son and the tears would come. But we had all worked with her for a long time and could provide support.

You would be starting a new job with people who don't know you and you don't know. I think the concern people have is that you WILL have times during the day when the grief gets worse. It is totally normal. Whenever I smell ball park hot dogs I still get a little sad because it reminds me of my dad who died 7 years ago.

Add that to the fact that you're taking care of kids who can't afford you to have a breakdown at work.

I know you want to do stuff to be busy and get your mind focused on something else and I totally understand and think it is healthy. Perhaps you can do some volunteer work for a couple of weeks and see how you do? If you find that you're able to fully function then start looking at jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- I'm wondering what middle-aged people do if their spouse passes away? Most work places allow some time (maybe up to five days for a close relative) off but do they just quit their job? Take a leave of absence (if their position will allow it)? How do they pay their bills? My Fiance's parents returned to work one week after he passed. I just don't think it's practical for people to take extended periods of time off from work when someone passes away. Yes, there is mourning, there is grieving, but life must go on. Bills must be paid. I am just wondering what other people do.

I'm not middle-aged yet, but I have a year's worth of savings. I would get a doctor to label me temporarily disabled, and take some disability. I'd pay my bills with some of my savings.

[Anonymous]

A doctor will not label me as temporarily disabled because I'm not. I feel as though I am not only capable of working, but that I will benefit from doing so. My therapist agrees with me.

I spent the entire first week after his passing doing nothing but sitting around and grieving and mourning but that had to stop. Sitting around and doing nothing but crying and grieving is not healthy for more than a week or so (and maybe not even healthy for that long). I had to get out of the house and do things. I am young and I have to live my life. I'm not saying that I am on the market in terms of dating or anything (trust me, I won't be for a long time), but I need to be out of the house doing things, connecting with friends and family, making money, and trying to have some kind of normalcy in my life. Putting my entire life on hold for an entire year would not benefit me and it would just encourage me to mope around and feel sorry for myself.

I'm not saying that I'm over his death, I'm not. I am in mourning and I am still grieving; I will be for a long time. I cry everyday but it is in private and it is generally silent tears, not uncontrollable sobbing (that was the first week).

I would not normally disclose this much of my personal life to a public forum on the internet but I feel like people are seeing me as cold and heartless for feeling like I am ready to be working again already.

You also have to keep in mind that it can take months to find a suitable nannying position in some areas (especially the area I am in!) and that though I am searching and interviewing for jobs right now that it will probably be at least several weeks before I am in a position.

[Anonymous]

Go tell everyone who's Jewish and sits shiva that to grieve for a week for a loved one is unhealthy. I dare you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that after two weeks you are still in shock and haven't begun to grieve. I don't say that as a criticism; rather, a warning that his death is going to affect you in ways you aren't expecting and that's ok. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I would not share that much information with prospective employers. I would simply say you moved back home to be closer to family. Once you have established a relationship with a family you can provide more details if you choose to do so.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go tell everyone who's Jewish and sits shiva that to grieve for a week for a loved one is unhealthy. I dare you.

I didn't say that to grieve for a week is unhealthy. I said that doing nothing but sitting around and mourning, grieving, screaming, crying, and focusing on a traumatic event 24/7 for more than one week is unhealthy. Grieving will continue, but life must as well.

[Anonymous]

I lost my fiance at 21, OP, so I'm very, very sorry for your loss.

Having said that...you are only 23. This grief will affect you in ways you can't yet comprehend - and I don't mean that as an offense, just a fact. We now know that the brain doesn't stop developing until your mid-20s (later for men) so the difference between you and a 45 YO who loses their spouse is significant - both biologically and in terms of how set up they are in their life, work, support network, etc.

I would not hire you if I knew because I would worry about it hitting you harder in 4-8 weeks and having to look for a new nanny at that point. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Also, no one knows how they will handle such a traumatic event. I never thought I would be as strong as I have turned out to be. If someone had told me something like this would happen I would have guessed it would have been months before I was ready to work. I underestimated my strength. Unless someone has been in this situation, you do not know how you would handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A doctor will not label me as temporarily disabled because I'm not. I feel as though I am not only capable of working, but that I will benefit from doing so. My therapist agrees with me.

How long have you been seeing this therapist for? I was under the assumption that you only started seeing them after the death, which was 2 weeks ago? That is nowhere near enough time for a therapist to get to know someone well enough to judge that they are doing that great with the death and would be ready for work. They don't know how you normally handle yourself, if you are an emotional person, and if so, if you normally show these emotions or hide them. I could fake it as well at a therapy appt, and not even with trying, but that doesn't mean I am able to handle going back to work. I think the therapist is agreeing that you need to keep yourself busy, but finding a new position with people you don't know and working with kids, where like other PPs mentioned, don't allow you to be able to have a breakdown mid-day if it were to happen. I think the other suggestions of volunteering for a while, where you could freely leave if you were to get upset about something would be best, then start with a PT position and move into FT work again.

[Anonymous]

I've never had anyone ask me if I was in a relationship. That is not a normal question.

Also, as a professional nanny I'm sure you can come up with a professional answer. Telling me your fiance recently died would be to personal. I would think you would be mentally/emotionally fragile and not the right fit at the moment. Now if you appeared to be fine and happy-go-lucky then I'd be weary as well. I would think that no matter how long you watch my children that you would be able to pick up and leave without so much as a goodbye and be completely okay with it. (not saying you would, just giving my opinion)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A doctor will not label me as temporarily disabled because I'm not. I feel as though I am not only capable of working, but that I will benefit from doing so. My therapist agrees with me.

I spent the entire first week after his passing doing nothing but sitting around and grieving and mourning but that had to stop. Sitting around and doing nothing but crying and grieving is not healthy for more than a week or so (and maybe not even healthy for that long). I had to get out of the house and do things. I am young and I have to live my life. I'm not saying that I am on the market in terms of dating or anything (trust me, I won't be for a long time), but I need to be out of the house doing things, connecting with friends and family, making money, and trying to have some kind of normalcy in my life. Putting my entire life on hold for an entire year would not benefit me and it would just encourage me to mope around and feel sorry for myself.

I'm not saying that I'm over his death, I'm not. I am in mourning and I am still grieving; I will be for a long time. I cry everyday but it is in private and it is generally silent tears, not uncontrollable sobbing (that was the first week).

I would not normally disclose this much of my personal life to a public forum on the internet but I feel like people are seeing me as cold and heartless for feeling like I am ready to be working again already.

You also have to keep in mind that it can take months to find a suitable nannying position in some areas (especially the area I am in!) and that though I am searching and interviewing for jobs right now that it will probably be at least several weeks before I am in a position.

Grieving is a very important, healthy part of mourning. Google the reasons why grieving is important. (I don't feel like typing it all on here lol.)

[Anonymous]

this is crappy and i recognize that, but no - I would not hire you. Nannying is very different from a job where you need to simply be able to hold it together during work hours - it has big emotional demands on you and I would be worried that although you may be up to story hours and making lunch, you would not be up to the emotional side of the job.

If you say you moved back to be closer to your family, that is not a lie and can be sufficient information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A doctor will not label me as temporarily disabled because I'm not. I feel as though I am not only capable of working, but that I will benefit from doing so. My therapist agrees with me.

How long have you been seeing this therapist for? I was under the assumption that you only started seeing them after the death, which was 2 weeks ago? That is nowhere near enough time for a therapist to get to know someone well enough to judge that they are doing that great with the death and would be ready for work. They don't know how you normally handle yourself, if you are an emotional person, and if so, if you normally show these emotions or hide them. I could fake it as well at a therapy appt, and not even with trying, but that doesn't mean I am able to handle going back to work. I think the therapist is agreeing that you need to keep yourself busy, but finding a new position with people you don't know and working with kids, where like other PPs mentioned, don't allow you to be able to have a breakdown mid-day if it were to happen. I think the other suggestions of volunteering for a while, where you could freely leave if you were to get upset about something would be best, then start with a PT position and move into FT work again.

I have a history with this therapist. I saw them for about 4 years but then stopped seeing them for about 2 1/2 years. Now I've been seeing them again for the last few weeks.

[Anonymous]

I don't see the problem. I was hired in may and told my employers that my dad had stage 4 lymphoma. He died in sept. they were totally fine hiring me..