Age gaps with cousins.

[Anonymous]

You don’t suck OP. I would feel the same way. Now that my own kids are teens, I have no interest in other people’s preschoolers. Thankfully my sister never showed any interest in my kids so I don’t feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

If I take a 4 yo out with older cousins, the mom comes as well to watch the 4 yo. It's been a while since I've watched a child that young. I'd like to think I would be aware of their limitations, but I might have forgotten. It's in the best interest of the chiild that the mom come along as well.

[Anonymous]

There’s zero chance I would take even a 4 year old that was mine to the mall, at all, let alone when it’s an outing for teens/tweens. This implies your older kids and their cousins can never do age gs together like and amusement park or a rock climbing place or something because the 4 year old has to come.

I have a 5 year age gap with my own kids and there are just things the 12 year old can do that the 7 year old can’t. That’s life and we divide and conquer in those situations.

[Anonymous]

You’re a good aunt. And I totally get your feelings. I think at least 50% of the time it’s totally fine just to take the older kids. Your sister has to understand that taking older kids is totally different than having a 4 year old all day, and the kid might be a little sad, but he’ll be fine and will just interpret it as one more thing he can’t do that his siblings do because he’s too little, which sucks, but isn’t the same as thinking “my aunt doesn’t love me.” I say this as someone who was the youngest cousin in my family with a similar dynamic. Honestly, it hardly registered, and I still looked up to my older cousins and aunts and uncles and enjoyed our time together. That’s just part of the deal if being the youngest kid - you get spoiled, and doted on, and have more lenient rules but in return you have to deal with getting left out of big kid stuff. It’s fine!!

Occasionally drop the big ones off somewhere and take him out to get ice cream and you’ll still be his favorite person ever.

The way you’re feeling does not make you a bad aunt. I’ve totally been there on the aunt side too - for example, on a ski trip with my nieces and nephews where instead of having fun tearing it up with my tweens and their tween cousins, I was stuck on the bunny hill with my 5 year old nieces. I did it for half a day and then said sorry, I’m going to go off with the other kids now - I’ll play candyland when we get back tonight! The girls were a little disappointed in the moment, and my BIL was a little annoyed (as it meant he had to deal with his own kids) but I did not let myself feel too guilty and we all had fun together later. There’s being a good aunt, and there’s being a martyr!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s zero chance I would take even a 4 year old that was mine to the mall, at all, let alone when it’s an outing for teens/tweens. This implies your older kids and their cousins can never do age gs together like and amusement park or a rock climbing place or something because the 4 year old has to come.

I have a 5 year age gap with my own kids and there are just things the 12 year old can do that the 7 year old can’t. That’s life and we divide and conquer in those situations.

I appreciate the support from some of you. It does validate my feelings. It’s funny that you mention amusement parks because I want to to take the teens to Busch Gardens or Kings Dominion but so far I haven’t because that would mean also having to take the 4 yo old. And that would mean I would be stuck doing the kiddy rides instead of either doing the roller coasters with my D H.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s zero chance I would take even a 4 year old that was mine to the mall, at all, let alone when it’s an outing for teens/tweens. This implies your older kids and their cousins can never do age gs together like and amusement park or a rock climbing place or something because the 4 year old has to come.

I have a 5 year age gap with my own kids and there are just things the 12 year old can do that the 7 year old can’t. That’s life and we divide and conquer in those situations.

I appreciate the support from some of you. It does validate my feelings. It’s funny that you mention amusement parks because I want to to take the teens to Busch Gardens or Kings Dominion but so far I haven’t because that would mean also having to take the 4 yo old. And that would mean I would be stuck doing the kiddy rides instead of either doing the roller coasters with my D H.

There is ZERO chance I would bring my sister's 4y.o. to an amusement park unless the entire trip was intended FOR the 4y.o. or I needed to take the 4yo on a previously planned trip for the older kids because my sister was sick or otherwise unable to care for her child.

I would say to my sister, "do 16 and 12 want to come with us to kings dominion next weekend?" And not mention 4 at all. It is not your job to babysit your sister's kid in the name of "inclusion." If your sister wants to make sure 4 is included, she can come to kings dominion too so she can take care of her own child.

Don't get me wrong, it's really nice to include 4 sometimes. But it's a favor to your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re a good aunt. And I totally get your feelings. I think at least 50% of the time it’s totally fine just to take the older kids. Your sister has to understand that taking older kids is totally different than having a 4 year old all day, and the kid might be a little sad, but he’ll be fine and will just interpret it as one more thing he can’t do that his siblings do because he’s too little, which sucks, but isn’t the same as thinking “my aunt doesn’t love me.” I say this as someone who was the youngest cousin in my family with a similar dynamic. Honestly, it hardly registered, and I still looked up to my older cousins and aunts and uncles and enjoyed our time together. That’s just part of the deal if being the youngest kid - you get spoiled, and doted on, and have more lenient rules but in return you have to deal with getting left out of big kid stuff. It’s fine!!

Occasionally drop the big ones off somewhere and take him out to get ice cream and you’ll still be his favorite person ever.

The way you’re feeling does not make you a bad aunt. I’ve totally been there on the aunt side too - for example, on a ski trip with my nieces and nephews where instead of having fun tearing it up with my tweens and their tween cousins, I was stuck on the bunny hill with my 5 year old nieces. I did it for half a day and then said sorry, I’m going to go off with the other kids now - I’ll play candyland when we get back tonight! The girls were a little disappointed in the moment, and my BIL was a little annoyed (as it meant he had to deal with his own kids) but I did not let myself feel too guilty and we all had fun together later. There’s being a good aunt, and there’s being a martyr!

Let's all have a moment of silence for your poor, put-upon BIL. FFS.

[Anonymous]

WTF
You thank the teens to the mall and leave the 4 yr old at home with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It wouldn’t even occur to me to include a 4 year old on a mall outing with the tweens, not even a sibling let alone a cousin. Are you the only one expected to take the 4year old when the older cousins get together, or are your other siblings doing this too? unless the parents needed someone to watch him sure, but I wouldn’t automatically be including a kid that I needed to babysit, cousin or no cousin.

Op here- I only have two kids, the tween/teen. The older cousins are matching tween/teen too. The older kids grew up practically like siblings/best friends. They get along very well.

As far as expected, now that he is aware I feel a certain expectation and obligation to not leave him behind when I take the older kids to do anything. The little cousin is wonderful, sweet and his behavior is not an issue at all. I love him.

In my mall example, I do need to stay there because I have a tween and it is far for me to get to Tysons corner. But instead of running my own errands or shopping I was basically babysitting/parenting a four-year-old; and every single one of you with little kids know exactly what that’s like. Even when they’re really well behaved it’s still on their time, not really yours. So that’s just one example of many other events. Even when they just come over to my house, he comes over too and instead of being able to move along with my day I’m doing 4 year old things. They come over a lot.A lot.

I already feel like a jerk for even thinking leaving him behind when the older kids have activities so you don’t need to convince me that I’m a bad person. And to be clear, I have never excluded him these are just thoughts in my head. Maybe I just needed to verbalize and write it out as a form of therapy.

Somebody asked if I love being an aunt and the answer is yes, very much! That’s why the older kids have grown up with me and I would like to think they love me as much as I love them.

The issue is that instead of sending the kids off on bikes around the neighborhood, or going to 7-Eleven, or meeting up with her other friends I am now also in addition am once again parenting a four year old which is why I asked if it was a jerk thought of me and the answer is yes. I guess.

New poster.

OP, please, please STOP.

You are not a jerk. At ALL. Please ignore the idiot posters slamming you as a terrible aunt for not accommodating a four-year-old every time that tweens/teens want to do something. You are in fact teaching your youngest nephew -- and by extension, his parents! -- that whatever older kids get to do, a child who is, let's be blunt, vastly younger, has the right to do it with them, or at a minimum get an equivalent outing so all is "fair" and he's "not left out."

I'm amazed you cannot see how skewed this is. And it's not good for your nephew.

Did you never have to tell one of your own two kids that he or she could NOT tag along with sibling on an outing, to an event, etc., because that activity was the sibling's thing? Did both your kids do everything joined at the hip or at least, in your mind, "equally"? Did you feel obliged always to give one of your kids Something Nice because the other got Something Nice? I hope not and I doubt it. So why is your nephew being dragged along? Because you feel sorry for him and somehow have the idea that he deserves always to feel he's as included as the older kids.

Have you never heard the idea that fair does not mean equal, fair means everyone gets what they need? It's a good rule of thumb for raising kids who do not feel they are entitled to do and get everything their siblings--or cousins--do or get. A four-year-old can learn that he gets his own fun at times but does not get to tag along or get something every time his siblings do something. There should be privileges with growing up and getting older and more independent; the older kids get those privileges. He doesn't. Why does that reduce you to calling yourself a jerk and feeling guilty? It's parenting (or "aunting") 101.

And with a child so young as your nephew, he is being taught that he's entitled to his own version of the older kids' fun Every. Single. Time.

OP, you will be a good aunt if you occasionally do something age-appropriate with him and only him, rather than caving to your guilt and involving him every time his older siblings and your kids do something! Your worry about hurting a four-year-old's feelings is frankly out of whack here. No one wants to hurt a kid's feelings. But you (and again...where are his parents in this? Letting YOU take him for fun whenever the kids go out? Free babysitting, much?)...you are setting him to up expect this is always what he gets.

He is four. They are 14 and 12. They have things in common and should see each other. You should not feel that that means you must entertain him at the same time yourself. I'm sure he's lovely so do things with him that are not linked to when the older kids get together. Or, gasp, let his parents have some great "alone time" with him while you chaperone the older kids, or THEY drive the older kids while you take nephew out solo--but you do so because you want to, not because you feel guilty if he's "left out."

He will only feel left out if the adults go around clucking over him and telegraphing the message that he should be treated to an outing whenever the older kids are. Just stop with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s zero chance I would take even a 4 year old that was mine to the mall, at all, let alone when it’s an outing for teens/tweens. This implies your older kids and their cousins can never do age gs together like and amusement park or a rock climbing place or something because the 4 year old has to come.

I have a 5 year age gap with my own kids and there are just things the 12 year old can do that the 7 year old can’t. That’s life and we divide and conquer in those situations.

I appreciate the support from some of you. It does validate my feelings. It’s funny that you mention amusement parks because I want to to take the teens to Busch Gardens or Kings Dominion but so far I haven’t because that would mean also having to take the 4 yo old. And that would mean I would be stuck doing the kiddy rides instead of either doing the roller coasters with my D H.

There is ZERO chance I would bring my sister's 4y.o. to an amusement park unless the entire trip was intended FOR the 4y.o. or I needed to take the 4yo on a previously planned trip for the older kids because my sister was sick or otherwise unable to care for her child.

I would say to my sister, "do 16 and 12 want to come with us to kings dominion next weekend?" And not mention 4 at all. It is not your job to babysit your sister's kid in the name of "inclusion." If your sister wants to make sure 4 is included, she can come to kings dominion too so she can take care of her own child.

Don't get me wrong, it's really nice to include 4 sometimes. But it's a favor to your sister.

THIS. If she wants the 4 yo included, she can come and watch him/her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s zero chance I would take even a 4 year old that was mine to the mall, at all, let alone when it’s an outing for teens/tweens. This implies your older kids and their cousins can never do age gs together like and amusement park or a rock climbing place or something because the 4 year old has to come.

I have a 5 year age gap with my own kids and there are just things the 12 year old can do that the 7 year old can’t. That’s life and we divide and conquer in those situations.

I appreciate the support from some of you. It does validate my feelings. It’s funny that you mention amusement parks because I want to to take the teens to Busch Gardens or Kings Dominion but so far I haven’t because that would mean also having to take the 4 yo old. And that would mean I would be stuck doing the kiddy rides instead of either doing the roller coasters with my D H.

100% you do NOT have to take the 4 year old to this. Doesn’t even make sense given the impact on the group. Life is not always equal. Better for the kid to know that now and get used to it.

[Anonymous]

Right now we have cousins as old as 22 and as young as 2. They do things together. They find things they can do together. Don't you want a relationship with your youngest nephew? Spend time with him!

[Anonymous]

This is not an issue. On one side of the family, my cousins were around the same age. On the other side, they were 15-30 years older than me. My siblings and I were not included in regular outings with the older cousins. It would not have been appropriate. They were teens or adults and we were little kids. We saw them at big family get togethers or some family dinners. At that point and even now, I see them more as closer to my parents ages than me. We are much closer now that we are all adults but it’s more like the relationship you would have with an aunt than cousins.

Leave the 4 year old at home!

[Anonymous]

17:24 again. I remember times an older cousin would take me out to eat or have me sleep over at their house. It was more like having a fun person in the family who wasn’t your parent. They can still have a relationship but as an aunt, you can’t plan the same activity for all of them.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re a great aunt OP. I don’t think you should feel pressured to bring the 4yr old all of the time. Would you bring him to a PG-13 movie? Would you take him paint balling? Some activities are for older kids. Just be clear with your sister. “Hey the cousins do want to get together to walk to 7/11 and then go to a movie together. I can’t watch Larlo this time because I’m up against a work deadline.” Or maybe you have plans to meet a friend or need to run errands that afternoon.