Age gaps with cousins.

[Anonymous]

How do you handle large age gaps between cousins? My children and my sister’s two older children are very close and grew up living like siblings. 12 years later my sister and bil had another child.

Obviously I’m a jerk for even thinking about this but I find myself having scaled back on the time the cousin spend together because now that the kids are older teens/tweens the four year old tags along and I have to entertain the four year old while the older cousins play.

I feel like a jerk for even thinking about not including him when we do stuff. Is there a scenario where I’m not a jerk for this? on top of it all I have family pressure by my parents to have the cousins (implied everybody).

Just as an example the other day the cousins wanted to go to Tysons corner and I felt obligated to also bring little cousin so he wouldn’t feel left out. Guess who hung out with the 4 year old?

And this may or may not make a difference but my sister never has my kids over it’s a very one-sided relationship but that’s an entirely different conversation.

[Anonymous]

Adding that this is only recently come up because he is now old enough to understand that things are happening without him and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

[Anonymous]

Be glad this is your only problem. Wait tilll they drive. There are teen partiies. There are real reasons to worry about an age difference

[Anonymous]

You...kind of suck as an aunt. I say this as aunt of 2 34 yos, 1 32yo, a 20yo, 2 18yos, 2 14yos and 9 more between the ages of 3 and 11 and a niece on the way. I have a 12 and 14yo. All of the cousins know each other. There are grand nieces and nephews in my count. I make sure that each one of them thinks of me as their favorite aunt. How do I do it? I spend time with them, doing the things they enjoy. Our relationships have nothing to do with their relationship with my kids. My family is tight knit and supportive, so that helps, too. Don't you like being an aunt!

[Anonymous]

It wouldn’t even occur to me to include a 4 year old on a mall outing with the tweens, not even a sibling let alone a cousin. Are you the only one expected to take the 4year old when the older cousins get together, or are your other siblings doing this too? unless the parents needed someone to watch him sure, but I wouldn’t automatically be including a kid that I needed to babysit, cousin or no cousin.

[Anonymous]

^^ I should clarify, I dot mean family stuff, I mean tween activities. Does the 4 year old even like this? My kids did not even enjoy malls at 4years old.

[Anonymous]

Handle the 4 year old separately. Take the child to the park and a Happy Meal.

[Anonymous]

The teens are old enough to hang out alone they don't need you to accompany them. Get to know your youngest niece or nephew separately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wouldn’t even occur to me to include a 4 year old on a mall outing with the tweens, not even a sibling let alone a cousin. Are you the only one expected to take the 4year old when the older cousins get together, or are your other siblings doing this too? unless the parents needed someone to watch him sure, but I wouldn’t automatically be including a kid that I needed to babysit, cousin or no cousin.

Op here- I only have two kids, the tween/teen. The older cousins are matching tween/teen too. The older kids grew up practically like siblings/best friends. They get along very well.

As far as expected, now that he is aware I feel a certain expectation and obligation to not leave him behind when I take the older kids to do anything. The little cousin is wonderful, sweet and his behavior is not an issue at all. I love him.

In my mall example, I do need to stay there because I have a tween and it is far for me to get to Tysons corner. But instead of running my own errands or shopping I was basically babysitting/parenting a four-year-old; and every single one of you with little kids know exactly what that’s like. Even when they’re really well behaved it’s still on their time, not really yours. So that’s just one example of many other events. Even when they just come over to my house, he comes over too and instead of being able to move along with my day I’m doing 4 year old things. They come over a lot.A lot.

I already feel like a jerk for even thinking leaving him behind when the older kids have activities so you don’t need to convince me that I’m a bad person. And to be clear, I have never excluded him these are just thoughts in my head. Maybe I just needed to verbalize and write it out as a form of therapy.

Somebody asked if I love being an aunt and the answer is yes, very much! That’s why the older kids have grown up with me and I would like to think they love me as much as I love them.

The issue is that instead of sending the kids off on bikes around the neighborhood, or going to 7-Eleven, or meeting up with her other friends I am now also in addition am once again parenting a four year old which is why I asked if it was a jerk thought of me and the answer is yes. I guess.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you need to invite the four year old to everything. Just extend the invite and specify “the older kids”.

I was the youngest cousin on one side and it does suck not to be included. But he’s not being included anyway. They’re going off without him.

Also, my cousin on the other side who is my age and I were the youngest until her little sibling came along when we were 12. I don’t remember my mom babysitting the younger sibling much at all! To the contrary, my cousin and I played with him a ton. Voluntarily. We wanted to, he was a cute little kids. We’d be off playing with him while the grownups were doing their own thing. It’s ok to nudge the older kids to include him more. But doing an outing where they run off without him isnt really including him.

Also if you take the older kids, that gives him alone times with his parents, which could be a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness….you are under no obligation to schlep a 4 year old around when teen cousins get together.

My best friend, at age 50, is my cousin who is 13 years older than me. I never, NEVER hung out with him as a child. He was a teenager and had his own life!

By taking the older kids, you’re giving your sister a chance to give special time to her 4 year old. That’s a HUGE gift.

There is no need whatsoever to feel guilty. Let the older cousins hang out in peace. The age difference is not their fault and it’s no measure of anyone’s love for the young cousin.

Turns out, decades later, that I have way more uncommon with my older cousin than my siblings and my cousin’s siblings. They can figure this out in adulthood. You can’t expect them to be peers no when they are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle large age gaps between cousins? My children and my sister’s two older children are very close and grew up living like siblings. 12 years later my sister and bil had another child.

Obviously I’m a jerk for even thinking about this but I find myself having scaled back on the time the cousin spend together because now that the kids are older teens/tweens the four year old tags along and I have to entertain the four year old while the older cousins play.

I feel like a jerk for even thinking about not including him when we do stuff. Is there a scenario where I’m not a jerk for this? on top of it all I have family pressure by my parents to have the cousins (implied everybody).

Just as an example the other day the cousins wanted to go to Tysons corner and I felt obligated to also bring little cousin so he wouldn’t feel left out. Guess who hung out with the 4 year old?

And this may or may not make a difference but my sister never has my kids over it’s a very one-sided relationship but that’s an entirely different conversation.

I'm a little confused by the ages. There's a 4 year old, and a 12 year gap, and then tweens. It doesn't really compute.

The only way that I can figure it out is that your sister and her husband have kids, the youngest of whom is 16, and you have kids who are younger, including one who is at least 4 years younger (the "tween"). The older cousins have accommodated your younger kids for years.

In that case, I do think that you. have some obligation to repay times when your sister included your youngest and provided way more supervision than she would have for just her own kids. Not 100% of the time, but some time.

I also think that the tweens and teens can do things by themselves, and you can leave the 4 year old out if you do something that just doesn't work for the youngest.

[Anonymous]

I’m doing a terrible job at describing their ages because I’m trying to change details in case she reads DCUM. Here’s goes…their ages are 14/12 and her youngest is 4.

I do not have a young child. I only have a 14-year-old and a 12-year-old. She also has a 14-year-old and a 12 year old and then a 4 year old.


Not this matters but somebody mentioned repaying. Not this makes any difference but she has never, except for maybe twice in all of these years ever spend time with my kids on her time. But like I said, that’s a discussion for another thread.

[Anonymous]

Nope. When you take the cousins out for teen time, that is his special 1:1 time with mom and/or dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m doing a terrible job at describing their ages because I’m trying to change details in case she reads DCUM. Here’s goes…their ages are 14/12 and her youngest is 4.

I do not have a young child. I only have a 14-year-old and a 12-year-old. She also has a 14-year-old and a 12 year old and then a 4 year old.


Not this matters but somebody mentioned repaying. Not this makes any difference but she has never, except for maybe twice in all of these years ever spend time with my kids on her time. But like I said, that’s a discussion for another thread.

It makes a huge difference, because a 12 year old and a 16 year old (the 12 year gap you claimed) have entirely different needs.

I change details too. This particular change just didn't happen to work.

I have 14 and 11 year olds, and one of my sisters has 11, 10, 8 and 1 year olds. Sometimes I do things with just the three oldest, sometimes I take the 5 oldest. Sometimes I bring the baby so my sister gets a break, but there's no question that I'm taking the baby as a favor to her.