Age gaps with cousins.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, your sister is a total user! We have a similar dynamic and I am the one with the much younger child. I don’t try to include him in activities that are not appropriate for his age. One parent stays behind with him. If it’s an all-ages thing like a picnic or backyard party then I bring him, but again, one parent is in charge of him at all times. If an aunt or uncle wants to play with him and give us a bit of a break then great, but it is not the expectation. I can’t imagine foisting my kids on a sibling even once, let alone so frequently.

[Anonymous]

You know how you said the fact that your sister rarely watches the kids is another discussion? I don’t think it is. I think it’s the same issue. The appropriate response to going to an amusement park is both families go together with all the kids OR you just take the older ones (or the 4yo). The problem is your sister - but you knew that, I hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You...kind of suck as an aunt. I say this as aunt of 2 34 yos, 1 32yo, a 20yo, 2 18yos, 2 14yos and 9 more between the ages of 3 and 11 and a niece on the way. I have a 12 and 14yo. All of the cousins know each other. There are grand nieces and nephews in my count. I make sure that each one of them thinks of me as their favorite aunt. How do I do it? I spend time with them, doing the things they enjoy. Our relationships have nothing to do with their relationship with my kids. My family is tight knit and supportive, so that helps, too. Don't you like being an aunt!

Really wish you were my SiL. She gatekeeped DH and I from having a relationship with her children when we were childless. Then she made major productions about the age gap as her kids are 5 1/2 and 3 1/2 years older than our kids - "would've been nice if you had had your kids earlier" - and that they really couldn't be expected to hang out. I was expected to entertain my younger siblings and cousins of any age when I was growing up - there were 30 of them and we had reunions 3x/year. My kids knew that they were expected to entertain any friends visiting with younger kids for at least an hour after arrival. As DH and I would say, "couldn't she expect her son to get off his screen for even 30 minutes" to play with his younger cousin. When her son graduated from HS, he hugged our son, who later said in the car, "I didn't even think he knew who I was."

But back to OP, I would borrow some advice from the PP - maybe take the kid every 3rd time and do something fun. Leave an impression - he will have those memories for the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know how you said the fact that your sister rarely watches the kids is another discussion? I don’t think it is. I think it’s the same issue. The appropriate response to going to an amusement park is both families go together with all the kids OR you just take the older ones (or the 4yo). The problem is your sister - but you knew that, I hope.

Bingo.

You are feeling resentful because she does not help with your kids. It is the same issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know how you said the fact that your sister rarely watches the kids is another discussion? I don’t think it is. I think it’s the same issue. The appropriate response to going to an amusement park is both families go together with all the kids OR you just take the older ones (or the 4yo). The problem is your sister - but you knew that, I hope.

Bingo.

You are feeling resentful because she does not help with your kids. It is the same issue.

This! It sounds like you are a great aunt and that you want to have a relationship with the 4 yo but you resent your sister (for good reason) and this is affecting your feelings toward spending time with your nephew. You need to address this with her or just take a firmer approach when making plans that only the older kids are able to come because you need to drop them off and do A, B, C while they are seeing a movie or whatever. I'm not saying to never take your nephew along but at this point, you are just their free babysitter and that's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I reread the posts. How much do these 12 and 14 year old kids want you with them? My kids are those ages and when they are with friends at the mall they want me to drop off and pick up. Their cousins are local but when we visit, it’s similar. Other than big family dinners they want to go off and do their own thing.

[Anonymous]

I have practically never lived in the same country as my first cousins, OP. I think of them fondly and have gone to their weddings, but we haven't seen each other in person in years.

My children have NEVER lived in the same country as their first cousins, and we see them once every 2 years, if that. There is a 10 year age gap, but that's not the issue!

Point is: be happy you see your family when you can. The age gap is immaterial.

[Anonymous]

We have this in my family a bit. It's exacerbated by the fact that my kids live far away from their cousins and only see them a few times a year. My 12 year old daughter is extremely close with her 12 year old (boy) cousin. They've been super close since they were 6 or so, and the distance and growing up hasn't (yet) affected the dynamic. They have a 6 year old (girl) cousin, who is so excited to have my daughter around (they are the only two girls in the family), but the 12 year olds tire very quickly of having a tagalong 6 year old. I totally get it, but also feel so badly for the little girl (I should note that I have a 6 year old son, but she really wants to be with my daughter). Essentially I force my daughter to include her, but it's definitely a bummer.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you. Because why should you and the older kids have to suffer and most likely do kiddy stuff because your sister wants you to bring along the 4 y.o

[Anonymous]

The older kids are old enough to do things on their own. Offer to pick up the older kids and drop them at the mall. Then you go do your own thing.

The issue here seems to be that you feel the need to accompany the older kids when that isn’t actually necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wouldn’t even occur to me to include a 4 year old on a mall outing with the tweens, not even a sibling let alone a cousin. Are you the only one expected to take the 4year old when the older cousins get together, or are your other siblings doing this too? unless the parents needed someone to watch him sure, but I wouldn’t automatically be including a kid that I needed to babysit, cousin or no cousin.

+1

Why would you invite a 4 year old to the mall? That’s on you.

[Anonymous]

Old old thread people. Over a year old.

[Anonymous]

I am the baby of the family and my closest in age cousins are 4, 6, 8 and 12 years younger

My parents sent me off with them all the time when I was ~6 through high school. Depending on where they were with their lives. I spent more or less time with them, but me and my sibling were always included in their stuff. We were especially close as each of them were in college. They had more free time and the age gap made us younger ones a fun novelty to bring around campus, or a welcome break to visit if they wanted to get away.

Now I’m in my 40s, and my oldest cousin and I are closest and she is godmother to my child. Age gaps only matter when one kid is a toddler or baby.

The only downside of the age gap is that I watched a lot of age-inappropriate movies and ate really unhealthy food and was allowed to ride in the front seat of cool sports cars when I should have been in the back.

OP, I’m still confused about the ages but give the youngest one a year or two more and give the cousin thing another chance. We spent a lot of time with no aunts or uncles or parents around and that was probably the best way to build a strong bond between us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Old old thread people. Over a year old.

Why do people keep doing this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know how you said the fact that your sister rarely watches the kids is another discussion? I don’t think it is. I think it’s the same issue. The appropriate response to going to an amusement park is both families go together with all the kids OR you just take the older ones (or the 4yo). The problem is your sister - but you knew that, I hope.

Bingo.

You are feeling resentful because she does not help with your kids. It is the same issue.

+1 It's not unreasonable to only take the older kids on some of these outings. It doesn't mean that you don't love your 4yo nephew and it's clear that your sister takes you for granted and enjoys the free babysitting. Start setting boundaries and only take the 4yo when you want to.