Anonymous wrote:NP here-glad that you had an experience where he was willing to put in the work. Mine just keeps on denying, so I am in for separation. Like yours, my parents are deceased, and I am absolutely going to hate the loss of family. We had so many good moments together, wish he had cherished those.

eastcoastmom wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"-I ended up staying after a very brief separation. He did intensive therapy, an outpatient alcohol program, left his job (where the AP was) and has only worked at jobs which require minimal travel. Most importantly, we signed a post-nup with a cheating clause bc I made it very clear that I'm not going through this again."

This is really striking. He really went all out to address whatever led him to have the affair and took drastic measures to make sure he didn't repeat it. Good for him. Not many people are able and willing to do this. I'm curious about what sort of therapy or work you did on yourself to manage through all the emotions and legal matters involved? I'm so glad to see you did a post-nup. That was so smart!

OP here--I did individual therapy in addition to couples therapy. Honestly, the first year was absolutely brutal. Did not think there was a path forward and I cried every single day and had intense triggers and ruminations. Took some anti-anxiety medication and sleeping pills for 6 months (not something I ever thought I would need to but it helped me get through the day). DH seemed to have a complete breakdown and so I also did most of the parenting for first few weeks until he got his act together. I was an attorney before becoming a SAHM so was comfortable with reviewing the post-nup and also made sure to discuss anything I might have overlooked with a few of my recently divorced friends. The post-nup was a huge relief bc I saw with some of my divorced friends how once the ex-DH moved on with another woman, he only wanted to provide what was legally mandated for the kids, not a penny more. I made sure my kids were protected with certain amount of annual bonuses, equity grants, etc. going directly to kids in addition to mandated child support in the event of a divorce. I think many people underestimate how much stress the financial aspect of divorce is. With that being said, there is nothing anyone can do unless both people are committed to making it work.

eastcoastmom wrote:OP here. It is difficult to believe that this was 5 years ago. I wanted to update to help others who are facing a similar situation.

-I ended up staying after a very brief separation. He did intensive therapy, an outpatient alcohol program, left his job (where the AP was) and has only worked at jobs which require minimal travel. Most importantly, we signed a post-nup with a cheating clause bc I made it very clear that I'm not going through this again.
-My decision was heavily influenced by the fact that my parents are both deceased and the thought of giving up my family and having the kids 1/2 time was not even remotely appealing to me. My oldest DD also had anxiety and I think she would have really struggled.
-my kids have thrived the past few years. DD is off to college and youngest is only a few years away. We have had memorable family trips, holidays, shared family experiences that I would not trade for anything.
-BUT with all that being said, I will never truly feel the same and the biggest gift I gave myself was freeing myself from making any permanent decisions right away. I chose to stay bc it was right for me and my kids at that particular time. I do not know how I will feel when my youngest leaves and that is okay. My DH insists that he is in this for life but I still don't know for certain what I want to do.
-Sorry for the long post but really just want to emphasize that you have to think about the specifics of your particular situation when making a decision and those specifics include your kids, finances, your support network and how much your spouse is willing to work for it.

eastcoastmom wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"-I ended up staying after a very brief separation. He did intensive therapy, an outpatient alcohol program, left his job (where the AP was) and has only worked at jobs which require minimal travel. Most importantly, we signed a post-nup with a cheating clause bc I made it very clear that I'm not going through this again."

This is really striking. He really went all out to address whatever led him to have the affair and took drastic measures to make sure he didn't repeat it. Good for him. Not many people are able and willing to do this. I'm curious about what sort of therapy or work you did on yourself to manage through all the emotions and legal matters involved? I'm so glad to see you did a post-nup. That was so smart!

OP here--I did individual therapy in addition to couples therapy. Honestly, the first year was absolutely brutal. Did not think there was a path forward and I cried every single day and had intense triggers and ruminations. Took some anti-anxiety medication and sleeping pills for 6 months (not something I ever thought I would need to but it helped me get through the day). DH seemed to have a complete breakdown and so I also did most of the parenting for first few weeks until he got his act together. I was an attorney before becoming a SAHM so was comfortable with reviewing the post-nup and also made sure to discuss anything I might have overlooked with a few of my recently divorced friends. The post-nup was a huge relief bc I saw with some of my divorced friends how once the ex-DH moved on with another woman, he only wanted to provide what was legally mandated for the kids, not a penny more. I made sure my kids were protected with certain amount of annual bonuses, equity grants, etc. going directly to kids in addition to mandated child support in the event of a divorce. I think many people underestimate how much stress the financial aspect of divorce is. With that being said, there is nothing anyone can do unless both people are committed to making it work.

eastcoastmom wrote:OP here. It is difficult to believe that this was 5 years ago. I wanted to update to help others who are facing a similar situation.

-I ended up staying after a very brief separation. He did intensive therapy, an outpatient alcohol program, left his job (where the AP was) and has only worked at jobs which require minimal travel. Most importantly, we signed a post-nup with a cheating clause bc I made it very clear that I'm not going through this again.
-My decision was heavily influenced by the fact that my parents are both deceased and the thought of giving up my family and having the kids 1/2 time was not even remotely appealing to me. My oldest DD also had anxiety and I think she would have really struggled.
-my kids have thrived the past few years. DD is off to college and youngest is only a few years away. We have had memorable family trips, holidays, shared family experiences that I would not trade for anything.
-BUT with all that being said, I will never truly feel the same and the biggest gift I gave myself was freeing myself from making any permanent decisions right away. I chose to stay bc it was right for me and my kids at that particular time. I do not know how I will feel when my youngest leaves and that is okay. My DH insists that he is in this for life but I still don't know for certain what I want to do.
-Sorry for the long post but really just want to emphasize that you have to think about the specifics of your particular situation when making a decision and those specifics include your kids, finances, your support network and how much your spouse is willing to work for it.

Anonymous wrote:I just scanned to see if I had posted to the original thread. My ex had an affair in 2015 and we stayed together. At first it was OK -- we were really in love and we bought a vacation home to focus on our family and solidify our commitment. We didn't do a post-nup but I insisted on putting the LLC in my name as well.

Then COVID hit and he went from 2-3 drinks per night to I don't know how many, 6-8? He became more and more self-focused. Everything was about his stress and his difficulties being the breadwinner. I did everything I could to reduce his stress but he seemed to have a victim mentality.

Then the summer of 2024 he said another woman's name in his sleep. When I confronted him, he was very sorry for himself . . . his story was that she was just a friend and he hadn't acted on anything because he'd already betrayed me once and he couldn't do it again. But his whole tone was "poor me, not being able to sleep around on you."

I wish I could say that I left, but I was a SAHM with a chronic illness and I was in survival mode. So I suggested counseling. But he was too sad. He thought I would never get over his affair. Poor lamb.

I am a "glass half full" person and I practice gratitude. I would have waxed poetic about the complexities of love and the ability to be happy no matter your circumstances. But the reality is that I was married to someone who hadn't deserved me for a long time. In fact, I'm not sure he ever did -- I think I just got married young and put my hopes in his potential.

Well, at least that potential paid off financially, as I am now doing fine with sizable lifetime alimony and other assets. (If he stops being a functional alcoholic I do have a plan to be self-supporting, and if he dies I still get his life insurance.)

I'm really sad for past me, that I made myself so small and accepted his self-pity and selfishness. Recently I was trying to think of anything selfless or kind he ever did for me and I came up with very little. I do remember thinking while we were married that if I'd known I was going to get a chronic illness, I would have chosen a partner with caretaking tendencies. But honestly, just a normal amount of empathy would do.

My ex is still with his "friend," though there was a hilarious and predictable interlude when we signed our PSA and, no longer worrying I would sue him for adultery, he tried to sleep around and wound up sexually harassing my friend instead. I'm sure he gave his girlfriend some sob story about how it wasn't fair for him to go from a long marriage (where he wasn't even faithful) to being tied down immediately, and she, in some sunk cost nightmare, agreed to let him see other people.

I'm doing EMDR now for the trauma. That's some useful therapy right there. I did a year of talk therapy and got nothing out of it.

The real tragedy is that he is blowing it with our kids. We have teenaged daughters and while we have 60/40 custody, I foresee them choosing to spend less and less time with him. He can't read the family calendar that I maintain, he can't read his emails or texts, he can't keep his house stocked with non-moldy food. He insists they talk to him for 15 minutes at meals and stares at his phone texting his girlfriend the whole time. He takes them on vacation and drinks all day. He's never home when they get home from school because he goes to happy hour every night. They've had to grieve having a functional parent that they can rely on. And that's the one thing I'll never forgive.

It's possible that without alcohol we could have recovered from the affair, though I'll say that he just doesn't have a lot of empathy or resilience even without it. I do think he tried to "make it up to me" and he wants/wanted to be a better person. He still cries about what a good mother I am and follows my advice about the kids (though I no longer give it unbidden, because there's no point).

The thing about infidelity is that it's a symptom of other issues. If you were a super self-aware, honest, and empathetic person, then you probably wouldn't have had an affair to begin with, right? There are always exceptions. There are people who climb Mt. Everest or do an Iron Man or get sober. But most people don't. Most people get complacent.

OP, I'm glad you've kept the possibility of leaving open all these years. If you stay, let it be a joyful and healthy choice.