Anonymous wrote:OP - you nailed it perfectly, if you are there for them, then you are the enemy. The other siblings are clueless since they are not regular participants, and simply think your bitter. And you do resent your parents who at one time you looked up to and/or shared a good relationship with. I feel bad asking my siblings to come visit since my mother asks for them so often, she is bored with me, who comes regularly. Its a thankless job unless you count the feeling you get when you buried them, that you did your best.

Anonymous wrote:This is very common - the nursing home told us they turn on their family first...they resent their caregivers because you represent their loss of independence. It's not personal, even though it is awful for you emotionally.

Anonymous wrote:Outsource what you can and split the bill 3 ways.

Anonymous wrote:I think you should ask your siblings for a little more hands on help. If they say no, that's on them. Is there anything the sibs can do from a long distance? Example: pay bills. If nothing else, insist that they call your parents everyday at the same time (going to work, driving home). Your parents are isolated and need people to talk to. You are doing a wonderful thing caring for your parents. My father died while living with me, but was grateful everyday. Take time for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing stuff for them if it exhausts you. They are adults, let them solve their own problems. You don't have to cut them off forever, just take a break to recharge your batteries. My parents are in assisted living, and every once in a while (when they're really irritating me) I stop calling/visiting for a week or so.

Anonymous wrote:OP - you nailed it perfectly, if you are there for them, then you are the enemy. The other siblings are clueless since they are not regular participants, and simply think your bitter. And you do resent your parents who at one time you looked up to and/or shared a good relationship with. I feel bad asking my siblings to come visit since my mother asks for them so often, she is bored with me, who comes regularly. Its a thankless job unless you count the feeling you get when you buried them, that you did your best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing stuff for them if it exhausts you. They are adults, let them solve their own problems. You don't have to cut them off forever, just take a break to recharge your batteries. My parents are in assisted living, and every once in a while (when they're really irritating me) I stop calling/visiting for a week or so.

This is perfect advice if you want them to end up dying on the floor or in a major financial emergency, such as their insurance lapsing because they forgot to pay the bill. Assisted living provides NO assistance other than meals (often just one per day) and occasional cleaning, on average.

Ask your siblings to do the daily phone check ins and only call you when something needs doing. Ask them to keep notes. Also ask them to take over bill paying and bookkeeping, which can easily be done online or by having bills mailed to them.

I feel you. I dealt with this for years. Your parents appreciate you and realize you are shouldering the burden but its hard for them to express this as they feel guilty and disempowered. Daily calls by your siblings will help as siblings will get sick of the crankiness and have a better idea what you're dealing with. It will give you some days with no contact.

(My mom nearly died on the floor of her expensive assisted living after breaking her collarbone and being stuck in place for more than 24 hours, covered in her own filth as she tried to inch her way to the call cord. No one heard her shouts for help).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing stuff for them if it exhausts you. They are adults, let them solve their own problems. You don't have to cut them off forever, just take a break to recharge your batteries. My parents are in assisted living, and every once in a while (when they're really irritating me) I stop calling/visiting for a week or so.

This is perfect advice if you want them to end up dying on the floor or in a major financial emergency, such as their insurance lapsing because they forgot to pay the bill. Assisted living provides NO assistance other than meals (often just one per day) and occasional cleaning, on average.

Ask your siblings to do the daily phone check ins and only call you when something needs doing. Ask them to keep notes. Also ask them to take over bill paying and bookkeeping, which can easily be done online or by having bills mailed to them.

I feel you. I dealt with this for years. Your parents appreciate you and realize you are shouldering the burden but its hard for them to express this as they feel guilty and disempowered. Daily calls by your siblings will help as siblings will get sick of the crankiness and have a better idea what you're dealing with. It will give you some days with no contact.

(My mom nearly died on the floor of her expensive assisted living after breaking her collarbone and being stuck in place for more than 24 hours, covered in her own filth as she tried to inch her way to the call cord. No one heard her shouts for help).