How common is this scenario dealing with elderly parents?

[Anonymous]

You're on your own, OP. That's what is so sad. I'm an only child with an 82-yo mother. She is a narcissist down to the core. So dealing with her only causes more and more resentment.

I agree with the PP above - that you need to find your own space or you'll go mad. The chances of your mother falling down and being "forgotten," while it does happen, are slim. You need to care for yourself first.

My narc mom kept my ailing father at home b/c it would have looked bad to the family had she sent him to a home. She complained and complained and "dutifully" looked after him even though he had two round-the-clock caregivers. She was an insufferable martyr who guilted me daily to visit even though I had young children at the time.

I had to finally cut her off. She has a house that's paid for, and she manages to still take care of it. If she has one more fall, however (broken hip a few years ago), I'm not sure she'll recover from it. But I gave her many choice to move in with us or to find a small condo up our way. She refused b/c narcs have to be in control.

OP - If you become ill, you're no good to your family. Keep yourself sane by outsourcing.

[Anonymous]

Agree with a PP and outsource. Keep sibs informed weekly and send each 1/3 of the bills to be paid.

[Anonymous]

I totally feel for you. I’m an only child so will be in your shoes one way or another one day. It sounds like your siblings are pretty useless. Without knowing the dynamic it’s hard to know if there’s anything that could change, take heart as another poster said that you are modeling good behavior for your children.

[Anonymous]

I have not been in this situation because my dad died at 62 and my mom died at 72. It was devastating to lose them and they were completely independent until the end of their lives.

For those of you who are dealing with difficult elderly parents, does it make you ponder whether it's worth living past the point when you can take care of yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not been in this situation because my dad died at 62 and my mom died at 72. It was devastating to lose them and they were completely independent until the end of their lives.

For those of you who are dealing with difficult elderly parents, does it make you ponder whether it's worth living past the point when you can take care of yourself?

YES, it absolutely does. I do not want my kids to go through what I am going through. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and value them tremendously, but it is doing me in emotionally and physically some days and I am doing so much less than what say my neighbor did for her parents (moved them into her home). I want to end my life gracefully and live it up until my chosen day-sometime when I know I am losing it-have signs of dementia or some terminal illness and can still be of sound enough mind to be in charge of my choices. I want to make sure I leave my loved ones without any guilt-knowing how much they are loved, but not feeling like they could never do enough for me. I also want my funeral to be a celebration of my life-not depressing. We may have an intermission where they play some funny music and in my honor we ask all willing to break into dance

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure whether people will do anything different. I do know that boomers are actually, contrary to media perception of them as entitled and self-centered, the first generation to do huge amounts of senior caregiving. The Longitudinal Study of Generations out of California has shown the that boomer parents and grandparents did very little caregiving, even for living relatives.

I have PTSD from doing this care and it's ruined my own retirement. I'm obsessed with not living too long to the point where I do my own cognitive testing and will "check out" in Dignitas if medical aid in dying is not available for me in the early stages of Alzheimer's. If I get cancer in my 70s I won't treat it as I don't want to live long enough to get dementia. So yeah, it's destroyed my future but all that counts is whether the oldest-old can age in place and live forever, not the fallout on anybody else.

[Anonymous]

Taking care of an 80-something parent in declining health has certainly inspired me to do things differently. I will prepare for my own future, not just let it happen without a plan for my care. I intend to make my doctor’s aware of treatment that I will accept and how much medical intervention I will allow. I don’t want to be kept alive merely to exist, with little quality of life. I will actively refuse certain procedures even “against medical advice”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here, so to actually respond to OP's post I used to love and appreciate my parents but cannot do that right now because I resent them for how much work they are

Caretaking at any level is extremely tough. Add to that, sibling dynamics. Like one of the pps's said, take a break and come back, but do it without guilt.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand. My mother lived closer to my brother who always has been the golden child. After my mother had a stroke he convinced her to live in an assisted living place near me, so I am now the one dealing with all the stress of being the mean child who took her car away, dealing with doctors and medical apps., etc. when he comes and visits every three months, I have to hear about how excited she is and what a sacrifice he is making. I have a sister who lives in another state and comes once a year and that is all she is willing to do. I am the child who was never close to our mom, yet I somehow ended up living the closest.
At least she is in an assisted living place. Will you parents consider visiting any to check them out? They often offer a free meal with a tour so that might convince them to at least visit.

[Anonymous]

I’m an on.y child and my parents live with me. They refuse outside help, I’m exhausted! Never knew it would be like this. But I know I’ll never regret helping them despite my exhaustion. I’ll be honest, some days I feel like running away and never coming back.