How common is this scenario dealing with elderly parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you nailed it perfectly, if you are there for them, then you are the enemy. The other siblings are clueless since they are not regular participants, and simply think your bitter. And you do resent your parents who at one time you looked up to and/or shared a good relationship with. I feel bad asking my siblings to come visit since my mother asks for them so often, she is bored with me, who comes regularly. Its a thankless job unless you count the feeling you get when you buried them, that you did your best.

That is what kept me going - I knew I needed to be at peace after they died.

It was such a relief when they finally did pass away.

[grace4ever]

Thank you for sharing your concerns with us. I’m truly sorry for what you’re going through regards to your parents and your siblings. It is understandable the way you feel for this whole situation that overwhelm you. Even in the darkest moments in our lives there’s always hope. I encourage you to think that things happen for a reason. Have you considered asking your siblings to have courage and to be more willing to do more that the just swoop in and give up more their time because you are married and have your own family? All of you are their children, but that does not mean that you have to take care of them mostly by yourself. I hope this helps. Sending you hugs. I will keep you, your siblings and your parents in my prayers, my friend. Keep us posted, Ok?

[Anonymous]

This is very common - the nursing home told us they turn on their family first...they resent their caregivers because you represent their loss of independence. It's not personal, even though it is awful for you emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very common - the nursing home told us they turn on their family first...they resent their caregivers because you represent their loss of independence. It's not personal, even though it is awful for you emotionally.

OP. This really helps. I knew it intuitively, but needed to read confirmation this happens because boy oh boy has it happened! The "golden kids" are now the ones who go into denial, rarely help, but make them feel like nothing has changed.

[Anonymous]

Op I am right there with you. It sucks. It helped when the social worker at the hospital told us all this was a familiar dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I think you should ask your siblings for a little more hands on help. If they say no, that's on them. Is there anything the sibs can do from a long distance? Example: pay bills. If nothing else, insist that they call your parents everyday at the same time (going to work, driving home). Your parents are isolated and need people to talk to. You are doing a wonderful thing caring for your parents. My father died while living with me, but was grateful everyday. Take time for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outsource what you can and split the bill 3 ways.

This and only this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should ask your siblings for a little more hands on help. If they say no, that's on them. Is there anything the sibs can do from a long distance? Example: pay bills. If nothing else, insist that they call your parents everyday at the same time (going to work, driving home). Your parents are isolated and need people to talk to. You are doing a wonderful thing caring for your parents. My father died while living with me, but was grateful everyday. Take time for yourself.

You know this all sounds lovely, but for many of us our siblings flat out refuse and are not taking requests or demands for what they should be doing. Consider yourself fortunate if your family is more loving and functional.

[Anonymous]

It's so lonely and miserable when the parent fights you during the worst stage of life.

My sibling is combative with my parents so is not a resource. It is a strain emotionally and financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing stuff for them if it exhausts you. They are adults, let them solve their own problems. You don't have to cut them off forever, just take a break to recharge your batteries. My parents are in assisted living, and every once in a while (when they're really irritating me) I stop calling/visiting for a week or so.

This is perfect advice if you want them to end up dying on the floor or in a major financial emergency, such as their insurance lapsing because they forgot to pay the bill. Assisted living provides NO assistance other than meals (often just one per day) and occasional cleaning, on average.

Ask your siblings to do the daily phone check ins and only call you when something needs doing. Ask them to keep notes. Also ask them to take over bill paying and bookkeeping, which can easily be done online or by having bills mailed to them.

I feel you. I dealt with this for years. Your parents appreciate you and realize you are shouldering the burden but its hard for them to express this as they feel guilty and disempowered. Daily calls by your siblings will help as siblings will get sick of the crankiness and have a better idea what you're dealing with. It will give you some days with no contact.

(My mom nearly died on the floor of her expensive assisted living after breaking her collarbone and being stuck in place for more than 24 hours, covered in her own filth as she tried to inch her way to the call cord. No one heard her shouts for help).

[Anonymous]

Remember that you are providing an example to your own children. My sisters kids do nothing for her. Mine are there for me as I was for my mom. Kids learn what they live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you nailed it perfectly, if you are there for them, then you are the enemy. The other siblings are clueless since they are not regular participants, and simply think your bitter. And you do resent your parents who at one time you looked up to and/or shared a good relationship with. I feel bad asking my siblings to come visit since my mother asks for them so often, she is bored with me, who comes regularly. Its a thankless job unless you count the feeling you get when you buried them, that you did your best.

NP - I'm the distant sibling. I'm not clueless, and I'm grateful for the local sibling who left her job to care for our aging parents. Still, she can't help but be resentful that I can't do more, even though I have young children (hers are grown) and am a thousand miles away. I understand her feelings, and she understands why I can't be there, but it is still tough, and no amount of encouragement or thanks can make her feelings go away. When I do come, I try to give her a break, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, mostly because I don't know the routine, the medications, where the doctors are, etc. And yes, the parents DO treat me like the prodigal son, but nobody can help that really.

OP, my story is now history, and my sibling now looks back on that experience (a decade later, parents now deceased) as the most rewarding and fulfilling experience of her life. I'm honestly sometimes a little jealous. Hang in there. You will one day be grateful for having had the experience of being there for your parents when they needed you most.

[Anonymous]

I’m dealing with this now, and I think it’s pretty common for the local child to be the one that the parent vents their anger to. Getting old is awful.

My brother has basically abandoned one of our parents. He will call occasionally but hasn’t visited in almost a year and he doesn’t really live that far away. He just can’t be bothered. Still, our parent ignores the fact that he’s checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing stuff for them if it exhausts you. They are adults, let them solve their own problems. You don't have to cut them off forever, just take a break to recharge your batteries. My parents are in assisted living, and every once in a while (when they're really irritating me) I stop calling/visiting for a week or so.

This is perfect advice if you want them to end up dying on the floor or in a major financial emergency, such as their insurance lapsing because they forgot to pay the bill. Assisted living provides NO assistance other than meals (often just one per day) and occasional cleaning, on average.

Ask your siblings to do the daily phone check ins and only call you when something needs doing. Ask them to keep notes. Also ask them to take over bill paying and bookkeeping, which can easily be done online or by having bills mailed to them.

I feel you. I dealt with this for years. Your parents appreciate you and realize you are shouldering the burden but its hard for them to express this as they feel guilty and disempowered. Daily calls by your siblings will help as siblings will get sick of the crankiness and have a better idea what you're dealing with. It will give you some days with no contact.

(My mom nearly died on the floor of her expensive assisted living after breaking her collarbone and being stuck in place for more than 24 hours, covered in her own filth as she tried to inch her way to the call cord. No one heard her shouts for help).

That's what wearing a call button is for. Seriously. No one can be there every minute of every day making sure everything is all right, and it's not fair to throw that out as a guilt trip on the OP.

We had a family friend who spent the night on the floor, and only after that agreed to wear a device where she could press a button and call for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing stuff for them if it exhausts you. They are adults, let them solve their own problems. You don't have to cut them off forever, just take a break to recharge your batteries. My parents are in assisted living, and every once in a while (when they're really irritating me) I stop calling/visiting for a week or so.

This is perfect advice if you want them to end up dying on the floor or in a major financial emergency, such as their insurance lapsing because they forgot to pay the bill. Assisted living provides NO assistance other than meals (often just one per day) and occasional cleaning, on average.

Ask your siblings to do the daily phone check ins and only call you when something needs doing. Ask them to keep notes. Also ask them to take over bill paying and bookkeeping, which can easily be done online or by having bills mailed to them.

I feel you. I dealt with this for years. Your parents appreciate you and realize you are shouldering the burden but its hard for them to express this as they feel guilty and disempowered. Daily calls by your siblings will help as siblings will get sick of the crankiness and have a better idea what you're dealing with. It will give you some days with no contact.

(My mom nearly died on the floor of her expensive assisted living after breaking her collarbone and being stuck in place for more than 24 hours, covered in her own filth as she tried to inch her way to the call cord. No one heard her shouts for help).

OP here. I must not have been clear in my original post because a few people have posted with these sorts of suggestions. Siblings are NOT willing to do this. They swoop in a few times a year at most, get royal treatment as compared to what I get and seem to only occasionally show an ounce of empathy.