Advice needed - 91 year old dad is suddenly exhausted and has no appetite

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[Post New]08/20/2018 12:04
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Anonymous
Op my grandmother lived at her home on a rural farm until the age of 106. I am not exaggerating. She has some bumps in the road healthwise but did ok. Your dad might just need antibiotics and return to relative health. Take it a day at a time.
[Post New]08/20/2018 12:16
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I just wanted to say I am sorry. This sounds really hard on many different levels. My Mom died when she was 66 of mucosal melanoma. I had a couple of months to get used to her being gone - and then she was. I know she was scared but she put on a brave front. At age 91, your Dad can’t bounce back like someone younger and I would encourage you to take some time off work and be with him. It sounds like his body is preparing him for transition (I don’t remember the words hospice used but fevers and falling and vomiting - his body is for lack of a better word - failing).

I was pregnant when my Mom was sick and I did not take time to be with her as much as I should have. I had some pregnancy complications and I was saving leave for postpartum. It’s a huge regret of mine but it was so hard to see my Mom frail and incoherent. So I also avoided it.

I just wanted to encourage you to spend time with your Dad now if you can. Hope your work trip is short and you’re home soon. Sending strength.



I think the phrase you were looking for is failure to thrive. Amd yes, very common at end of life. Op, please take this advice to heart, even with excellent medical care and a diagnosis, your father may not have much time left at 91, and the decline may be more rapid than you expect.

DH is a surgeon and was with a close relative whose husband was in the ICU after getting a bad infection during chemo. My husband told her that she needed to say her goodbyes as it was obvious to him that her husband would be dead in the next few hours. No one on the hospital care team had thought to tell her this (and this was at one of this area’s leading hospitals). Don’t assume that you will necessarily be told bythe doctors/nurses when the end is very near.


Thank you so much for your advice. That is shocking to me that the hospital staff didn't alert her.


This happened with our dad. He was 76 and got sepsis while he had cancer, miracousky beat it—but was never the same. We kept chalking up weakness to sepsis recovery—not cancer advancing. Oncologist’s Office kept saying my dasd’s bloodwork was good as he grew weaker and weaker and was disappearing before our eyes. They kept telling us he had great chances. When he was finally admitted to a different hospital near the end—it was the ER doctor that broke the news to us. It was shocking and we kept wondering why nobody had been straight. The end was fairly quick after that.

But, it started with barely eating/drinking and lower energy. The non-eating, drinking is very common at end of life and my dad LOVED food.

I’m sorry, OP.


I think this can be tricky for doctors to navigate. Some patients don't want to know what time the doctor thinks is left. My mom did NOT want to hear anything like that from the doctor. She finally asked, but it was, I think, when she had started to come to terms on her own about it.


Yes. I think what my dad did love about his oncologist was that he was always so upbeat. My dad always felt better after he left his Office. Also, with other friends that used this oncologist if there were truly no options we know he did tell those families that---time range--nothing could be done, etc. My mother later talked to him after my dad's death and he admits my dad's case was very unexpected by all of them. He was a very good responder and what happened at the end did actually take them by surprise as well. They really all loved my dad in that Office and it hit many of the nurses and doctors hard. You don't always see that emotion.

My dad always had hope and was always so optimistic. He was so brave and had such a good attitude---but at the end he didn't know what was happened---when he was in and out of consciousness he did ask me 'what happened'...that has haunted me. He really didn't expect it either. We were able to get him home for his final days and that did give me comfort because he never wanted to die in a hospital. He was in his favorite place in the world (his home of 43 years) surrounded by family. I sometimes think how scared he must have been, but I hope he had comfort. He could no longer communicate--only with his eyes.

My mom often said she doesn't know how they would have handle it if they ever got the 'nothing more we can do', or an expiration date, at the Oncologist's office--so maybe it was all for the best.

Every patient is different. Some patients want to know and others never want to go there---or even consider hospice.
[Post New]08/20/2018 12:19
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP here with another update. He had an abscess in his liver. They are starting him on IV antibiotics. I'm not sure yet what his prognosis is or what the care plan is beyond antibiotics. He feels really sick today and desperately wants to get home. I know we can't get him home until we have a bed on the first floor and also have a little more info about his diagnosis and prognosis, but we are definitely tryouts by to prioritize his wishes of getting home. I'm so incredibly relieved it isn't a malignancy but still not sure what the implications of a liver abscess are in someone his age with his medical history...


I'm sorry, OP. I wish you and your father all the best.
[Post New]08/20/2018 12:24
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP here with another update. He had an abscess in his liver. They are starting him on IV antibiotics. I'm not sure yet what his prognosis is or what the care plan is beyond antibiotics. He feels really sick today and desperately wants to get home. I know we can't get him home until we have a bed on the first floor and also have a little more info about his diagnosis and prognosis, but we are definitely tryouts by to prioritize his wishes of getting home. I'm so incredibly relieved it isn't a malignancy but still not sure what the implications of a liver abscess are in someone his age with his medical history...


Hugs, op. I hope you can get him home, even if it means setting up a bed in the living room or wherever it will fit. When my mom was sick we were able to get a hospital bed put in the house and have a nurse attending her. She had end-stage cancer, and I think it was a real blessing to have her be at home surrounded by family and friends.

If you need help finding resources to get a bed or nursing care at home, try posting a new op and see what help dcum can provide. There's often alot of good information here.
[Post New]08/20/2018 14:44
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Anonymous
Hugs to you and your mom, OP. Thank you for the updates too.
[Post New]08/20/2018 15:56
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Hugs to you and your mom, OP. Thank you for the updates too.


You guys are all so nice. Thank you - it means a lot. Thanks to all the pp who have weighed in.
[Post New]08/20/2018 21:39
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grace4ever
Member Offline
I’m truly sorry for what you’re going through. These forums are great for sharing burdens, and venting. It is understandable that in our lives we have concern for our loved ones as they get older and especially at the age of your father. It is common that as individuals grow older in age things show up sometimes unexpectedly. However I encourage you to be patient with your father because that is part of getting older. Have you considered of asking your father if he has been out in the summer hit or has the weather been unusually hot? Is the AC working well? Have you thought to ask him if something bother his emotions or if he feels depress? I hope this helps! Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers for you father, my friend. Keep us posted, Ok?
[Post New]08/21/2018 07:27
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Anonymous
OP again. It feels good to be able to post about this stuff (I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about it - I try to keep my personal life personal). My dad is having the abscess drained some time today. They’re going to biopsy what they drain to figure out what kind of infection it is and come up with the best treatment for him.

I talked pretty extensively with my dad about his wishes. He told me he wished he was dead. I asked him if he knew that he would get better and get back to feeling well and enjoying life, would he want to keep living? He said absolutely (he loves his grandkids, watching sports, eating, going for walks, watching funny movies, etc).

He knows the basics of what is happening today (they are draining the abscess through a needle) and that he might feel worse before he feels better. He also knows that the prognosis is pretty high that he’ll recover and go home in a few days.

I’m anxious that there will be complications but I am hoping for the best. Thanks again to everyone who has weighed in with kind words and advice.
[Post New]08/21/2018 07:32
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Off topic I realize, but your mother has to work? How old is she?


She’s 84 - she’s a (beloved!) art teacher. She doesn’t ever want to cancel classes on her students, but I think today she’s going to cancel and reschedule. She’s incredibly active and youthful (makes me feel like a lazy bum most days!).


Wow! That’s amazing!
[Post New]08/21/2018 09:17
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Anonymous
Have someone else be "the bad guy" telling elders "how it's going to be". Geriatric Care Managers have been mentioned. Hospital social workers another. Use to be, anyway, hospitals would not release without care in-place.

Elders are like toddlers. Do no rely on elders to manage their own safety. Often it results in mom or dad being mad at you (just like a toddler) --- but this is your role now
[Post New]08/21/2018 10:22
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP again. It feels good to be able to post about this stuff (I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about it - I try to keep my personal life personal). My dad is having the abscess drained some time today. They’re going to biopsy what they drain to figure out what kind of infection it is and come up with the best treatment for him.

I talked pretty extensively with my dad about his wishes. He told me he wished he was dead. I asked him if he knew that he would get better and get back to feeling well and enjoying life, would he want to keep living? He said absolutely (he loves his grandkids, watching sports, eating, going for walks, watching funny movies, etc).

He knows the basics of what is happening today (they are draining the abscess through a needle) and that he might feel worse before he feels better. He also knows that the prognosis is pretty high that he’ll recover and go home in a few days.

I’m anxious that there will be complications but I am hoping for the best. Thanks again to everyone who has weighed in with kind words and advice.


I'll be thinking about you guys today - best wishes for a quick and easy recovery!
[Post New]08/22/2018 09:28
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP again. It feels good to be able to post about this stuff (I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about it - I try to keep my personal life personal). My dad is having the abscess drained some time today. They’re going to biopsy what they drain to figure out what kind of infection it is and come up with the best treatment for him.

I talked pretty extensively with my dad about his wishes. He told me he wished he was dead. I asked him if he knew that he would get better and get back to feeling well and enjoying life, would he want to keep living? He said absolutely (he loves his grandkids, watching sports, eating, going for walks, watching funny movies, etc).

He knows the basics of what is happening today (they are draining the abscess through a needle) and that he might feel worse before he feels better. He also knows that the prognosis is pretty high that he’ll recover and go home in a few days.

I’m anxious that there will be complications but I am hoping for the best. Thanks again to everyone who has weighed in with kind words and advice.


I'll be thinking about you guys today - best wishes for a quick and easy recovery!


Thank you - you are so kind. He didn't get the procedure. They rescheduled it for Thursday. He feels so sick and I feel so sorry for him. The antibiotics (hopefully!!!) will help knock the infection back in the meantime and he'll start to feel better. I recently had a badly infected tooth and I could do nothing but lie down and hold my head until the dentist could see me. it was miserable for me and I'm a pretty healthy person. I can't imagine how sick i would feel with a large abscess in my liver.

They also say he has to go to rehab for a week or two after he is discharged form the hospital because he will have a drainage tube and will need some physical therapy. I'm looking into getting nursing at home - I cannot imagine sending him to a rehab facility. I've visited people in various rehab facilities and they were uniformly awful.
[Post New]08/22/2018 09:59
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Anonymous
If the rehab is part of a CCRC (continuing care retirement community) then it shouldn’t be awful. I work in a nice one.

You can start touring facilities now just in case home physical therapy isn’t enough. The goal of rehab is to get him home as independent as possible. Home PT isn’t every day, and it isn’t as intensive; outpatient care wouldn’t be every day, either.

Obviously it’s your dad’s choice, but if a rehab facility is recommended, please help your dad understand that the goal is to get him home as safe and independent as possible.

So again, I’d recommend checking out rehab facilities now so you have a good option that you’re comfortable with, just in case your dad agrees, or it’s very apparent he will need a more intensive level of rehab than what home care or outpatient can provide.
[Post New]08/22/2018 10:05
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Anonymous
Just to add - if you decide to skip rehab, definitely conference with the doctor and social worker/discharge planner; they will let you know what level of care your dad will need at home and what his insurance will pay for.
[Post New]08/22/2018 10:32
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Anonymous
Definitely explore your options for rehab -- there are great ones and awful ones. My dad has had a good experience with it but FIL went to one where the staff stopped giving him his heart medication, leading to his death.
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