Can't crack the dating code
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Anonymous
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It kills me. Invariably, I bomb on first dates with the people I'm most eager to make a good impression on. The date starts, I'm immediately smitten, and I just bring too much energy. An aura of "have to hit a home run" envelops over me and takes what is typically a witty, charming, and slightly sarcastic sense of humor and turns me into an intense overly-talkative salesman/resume pitcher. Of course the opposite is true when she walks in the door and I'm "meh" about it. In those cases, I'm immediately at ease knowing I have zero interest and I hit it out of the park with my normal laid back persona.
It sucks! I leave the dates I want to continue to get to know realizing that I've exhausted them and there likely won't be a second date. I know they say practice makes perfect, but I'm pretty experienced and still can't seem to get into the right state of mind when I really want to make a good impression. It's basically feeling extra pressure to perform since only 1/20 candidates might fit the "super excited" mold. |
Anonymous
| Can you get to know people through meetups, clubs, or hobbies? You could get to know the person in a situation that is not a first date. |
Anonymous
Maybe. Not a bad idea. Thanks. |
Anonymous
| OP here again. I'm just really bummed/down. I had an amazing time on a first date last night. My hopes were so high that she felt similarly. I sensed she did given the way it ended, but I've gotten no response to my text early this evening. It will be another 10-15 mediocre dates/encounters before I get a date on this level again. Only to blow it I'm sure! Argh. So frustrating. |
Anonymous
Are you a male or female? Age? |
Anonymous
| Male. 33. Never married. Several long term relationships. I've been single for about a year (since last serious relationship). I go on a lot of dates but only 1/15 or so that I'm really really "feeling it" with on the front end. Woman last night was late 20s and I really felt it for her... |
Anonymous
| Curious what your life was like at home growing up. I used to do this because I grew up with a parent whose love was very conditional and who I later realized had trained me to believe that I had to win and earn people's love or affection by performing. Dating and meeting people spontaneously always ended badly much like what you describe. Getting to know people over the long term became my solution- most people forget how weird a first impression I make as long as I get that chance to make subsequent ones. |
Anonymous
I don't want to give too much away because my profession is niche. But, online dating works well for me. I must be good on paper because I do get a number of high quality dates. It just always ends up the the cream of the crop (in my eyes) induce so much pressure in my mind that I am never my laid back self. I always "over do it" on those dates. Great relationship with parents. Never felt love was conditional. It's just personality here. When I feel like a lot is on the line, my mind goes into overdrive and I convince myself I have to give "the performance of a lifetime" on the date rather than just trust that myself will be enough. |
Anonymous
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What are you doing for first dates? There was a female that posted a few months ago that was terrible at first dates too and I think some of the same advice applies. Besides meetups and meeting people thru a common activity what about dates that include an activity so it isn't just intense conversation? It might be interesting to read the female perpective of being nervous on a first date.
Here was the earlier post http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/603011.page The other thing is realizing if someone is attracted to the hyper talkative salesman version of you actually wouldn't be a good match because that isn't really who you are. The person that you feel that spark will want to know that you are interested in knowing more about her and it is more than just her looks. If you spend all your time selling yourself, it will make you seem self-centered. One of the things about my now DH when we were dating that definitely tipped him over to boyfriend material is that he listened and would remember the little things for thoughtful dating gestures. |
Anonymous
| I'd take a nice long break from dating. Then you'll ncap start again after you regroup a bit. You are operating on a mode of scarcity and desperation and it's unattractive to women. |
Anonymous
Well but it's true, isn't it. If I'm only really into 1/15 of them, then a good connection is -- definitionally speaking -- scarce. So of course I'm not going to want to blow it. I don't see how taking a break from dating changes that. |
Anonymous
| How about a small beer or other alcoholic drink just to take the edge off before you meet? |
TwistdMike
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Member Offline
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"Don't go on a date with a loaded gun"
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9p3j294sqM8 |
Anonymous
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I think maybe you need to explore what you mean by "feeling it". Because let's be honest, you don't really get to know someone's personality on a first date, it's really all just physical attraction and what they are on paper.
Are you going out on 2-3 dates with women you aren't instantly attracted to? If not, start doing that. It takes time to get to know someone and people often surprise you on 2nd/3rd dates. Limit 1st dates to coffee and stay for 1-1.5 hours. Keeping it informal helped me see it as just a meetup, rather than a date where I have to pitch myself. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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Dating is hard. It has been a while since I did it, but in my experience, (I was a 33 yo mail when I last dated), of everyone I went out with/was fixed up with/found on line, maybe 1 in 10 were good for a second date. Sometimes by them, sometimes by me.
What I would do is simplify the dates. Coffee. And mentally down play things. The smitten thing is probably hormonal. I get it. But, it can give a creepy vibe. You can lust for someone on the first date, but that is about it. Simplify the first dates -- coffee, and chat. |