"Affair fog". When does it wear off?

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11/03/2016 12:04

Subject: Re:"Affair fog". When does it wear off?

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Anonymous

Wow, I am usually in the camp of giving a cheater a second chance if the marriage is otherwise doing well. To answer your question, affair fog is 6 months-12 months. 8 years? You have permission to dump him. Especially if its been continuous.

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11/03/2016 12:11

Subject: "Affair fog". When does it wear off?

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:DH has been having an affair with the same woman for eight years. I have caught them twice before: once when it first started, and we went to counseling, and I told his family and friends and monitored his email and his outings, and then once about four years ago, when I confronted her, but he denied there being anything between them and told me to stop harassing her. Then I caught them again last week (I found his secret email account).

Sounds like you need help not him if you're still with him after all that. He humiliated you and you humiliated yourself.

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11/03/2016 12:18

Subject: "Affair fog". When does it wear off?

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Anonymous

Time to stop focusing on him. Stop wasting your precious energy, time, resources, etc on him. Focus on yourself. There are reasons you've been holding on so long, in spite of everything he's done. Time to face your fears, and face your feelings towards yourself. It's the only way to get free of him emotionally. You owe this to yourself and your child.

This is inner work, and you must step back, stop engaging with him or trying to fix things with him (you can't--it's broken and it's not worth your effort), and work on strengthening yourself. You can do this without having to physically split just yet. Shelter in place, as it were. When you're emotionally and financially ready, then you will be able to take the steps to physically leave. Your child's at a vulnerable age, so you need to move carefully.

Take all that energy you threw into trying to make the marriage work, and put it into yourself now.

Your self-worth has been all tied up in trying to make him stop with her, trying to make him love you most. You can't control him, though. He's a weak person, and has entangled you in his mess of trying to have two women, but basically shortchanging both of them.

There's nothing wrong with you, and you deserve a man who will put you first, give you 100 percent of his love FREELY, without you having to do anything to make him.

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11/03/2016 12:27

Subject: "Affair fog". When does it wear off?

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been having an affair with the same woman for eight years. I have caught them twice before: once when it first started, and we went to counseling, and I told his family and friends and monitored his email and his outings, and then once about four years ago, when I confronted her, but he denied there being anything between them and told me to stop harassing her. Then I caught them again last week (I found his secret email account).

Sounds like you need help not him if you're still with him after all that. He humiliated you and you humiliated yourself.

+1 Step up for yourself, your child will notice and love your courage. You can do it!

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11/03/2016 13:33

Subject: "Affair fog". When does it wear off?

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Anonymous

This doesn't sound too much like a "fog" to me.

It sounds as if you are trying to rationalize his behavior by placing the blame on something else when in truth your husband is actually fully in control of his own actions.

This affair sounds like he truly has his whole heart invested in another woman.
Seems to go much further than a roll in the hay.

You have already wasted eight LONG years putting up w/this rat.
Please don't waste another second.

Preserve your dignity & get your life back.

File for divorce and re-build your life.

You deserve so much better.....

Good luck.

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11/03/2016 13:52

Subject: "Affair fog". When does it wear off?

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Anonymous

This is who he is. It's not going to change. That part you need to accept.

You can decide to stay with him or move on. I'll say both are understandable options. But you can't think that you'll get him to stop seeing her, or that you'll ever trust him to not be with her or want to be with her. Not going to happen. You have to make a decision about your life knowing that to be true.

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11/03/2016 13:54

Subject: "Affair fog". When does it wear off?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:8 yrs isn't an affair. He's in a relationship with this woman. She's basically his other wife ( common law)

You clearly don't understand how affairs work or common law or men.

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11/03/2016 14:36

Subject: "Affair fog". When does it wear off?

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Anonymous

8 years is not a fog or an affair - it's a long-term mistress/second life. I'm sorry OP.

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11/03/2016 14:38

Subject: "Affair fog". When does it wear off?

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:8 years is not a fog or an affair - it's a long-term mistress/second life. I'm sorry OP.

Not really. It's a mental illness/addiction.

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11/03/2016 14:40

Subject: "Affair fog". When does it wear off?

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Anonymous

This is the OP.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. Even the tough love posters.

I don't think I am rationalizing or blaming the OW. The blame rests squarely with my husband. Was I the perfect wife? No. But he is the one who broke the marriage.

My financial concerns are that he makes the majority of the HHI, and even if I worked FT, my earning power is about $75k max. Our HHI is $170k, and he makes $130k of that. My job is the flexible one, and I have been able to take breaks from working when DD was young, and then set my hours to avoid having to pay for childcare. If we divorce, we will have a lot less money, and DD's lifestyle will suffer. My husband will actually be better off financially with the OW than with me, even if I get the house, child support, and alimoney.

I posted because I wanted to be sure I wasn't leaving any chance of a good life for my daughter on the table, but everyone agrees I should leave, so I guess I will be looking for divorce attorneys this weekend.

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11/03/2016 14:44

Subject: "Affair fog". When does it wear off?

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Guerita32
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Joined: 06/08/2016 13:55
Messages: 171
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Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. Even the tough love posters.

I don't think I am rationalizing or blaming the OW. The blame rests squarely with my husband. Was I the perfect wife? No. But he is the one who broke the marriage.

My financial concerns are that he makes the majority of the HHI, and even if I worked FT, my earning power is about $75k max. Our HHI is $170k, and he makes $130k of that. My job is the flexible one, and I have been able to take breaks from working when DD was young, and then set my hours to avoid having to pay for childcare. If we divorce, we will have a lot less money, and DD's lifestyle will suffer. My husband will actually be better off financially with the OW than with me, even if I get the house, child support, and alimoney.

I posted because I wanted to be sure I wasn't leaving any chance of a good life for my daughter on the table, but everyone agrees I should leave, so I guess I will be looking for divorce attorneys this weekend.

Financially, it is a cruddy decision. But do you want your daughter to grow up with a strong mother who can look her husband in the eyes and say "enough" when she has been put through this hell? I think your daughter deserves you to be a good role model.

profile p.m.

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11/03/2016 14:44

Subject: "Affair fog". When does it wear off?

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Anonymous

DIVORCE. There is no explaining away an 8 year affair. Everything you believe about your marriage is a sham. Accept that. Move on.

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11/03/2016 14:50

Subject: "Affair fog". When does it wear off?

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Anonymous

Survival. You live in the house, live your own life. When you have the means, get out. I hate him for you. My sobdh is right up tjere with yours.

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11/03/2016 15:34

Subject: "Affair fog". When does it wear off?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:Survival. You live in the house, live your own life. When you have the means, get out. I hate him for you. My sobdh is right up tjere with yours.

I agree. Your H seems lazy, he does not want the OW. Don't push for divorce right away. Just get your own living area in the house.

Put money to the side, get things lined up for your eventual departure.

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11/03/2016 16:06

Subject: Re:"Affair fog". When does it wear off?

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Anonymous

OP other than the affair, what would make you not want to be married to him?

When it comes to divorce, a lot of women here have mentioned other breaking points like domestic violence, major addiction, abuse of the children. I even remember someone once saying her husband shit the bed before leaving for work just to make her have to clean it up. Is he a future financial risk? Does he gamble?

I'm very concerned about your financial situation and handing it all over to the OW. Think of the thing she would like you to do the most in the world. Filing for divorce is probably it. If you have a comfortable income married and are basically being paid to be able to raise your dd the rest of the way, unless you really want to start over and find someone else, I'm not sure the financial hit you will take is worth drastic action.

Nearly everyone is going to tell you your marriage is over - and that may be true, in the sense that you knew it - but no one else has to deal with being you afterwords or help you pay your rent.

Just paying attention to the obvious signs that your DH seems very comfortable in this arrangement and is in no hurry to change it. I just don't want you to shoot yourself in the foot just because your husband can't keep his dick in his pants. Why should you be the one to suffer for that?