"Affair fog". When does it wear off?

[Anonymous]

DH has been having an affair with the same woman for eight years. I have caught them twice before: once when it first started, and we went to counseling, and I told his family and friends and monitored his email and his outings, and then once about four years ago, when I confronted her, but he denied there being anything between them and told me to stop harassing her. Then I caught them again last week (I found his secret email account).

He told her she is the love of his life, which someone on another thread said sounds like the affair fog, and that the marriage could be salvageable with counseling. Could this be the case even after eight years? Should we go back to counseling to break him out of the fog or just throw in the towel now because he is actually in love with someone else?

I am furious, heartbroken, and hurt. We have one child, who is in middle school. I work PT, and could step up to FT, but we would feel it financially.

From what I can tell, the OW is divorced with a kid. She was single when they met, got married, but she is back to using her maiden name on her company's online directory.

[Anonymous]

After 8 years???? GTFO.

[Anonymous]

After 8 years? Why are you still with him? The fog does not last for 8 years. At this point, he is happily existing with two relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has been having an affair with the same woman for eight years. I have caught them twice before: once when it first started, and we went to counseling, and I told his family and friends and monitored his email and his outings, and then once about four years ago, when I confronted her, but he denied there being anything between them and told me to stop harassing her. Then I caught them again last week (I found his secret email account).

He told her she is the love of his life, which someone on another thread said sounds like the affair fog, and that the marriage could be salvageable with counseling. Could this be the case even after eight years? Should we go back to counseling to break him out of the fog or just throw in the towel now because he is actually in love with someone else?

I am furious, heartbroken, and hurt. We have one child, who is in middle school. I work PT, and could step up to FT, but we would feel it financially.

From what I can tell, the OW is divorced with a kid. She was single when they met, got married, but she is back to using her maiden name on her company's online directory.

Uh. No.

[Anonymous]

Don't be a bigger moron than you have been. Dump him. I would have dumped him the first time. Do you have self esteem?

[Anonymous]

Your H issue is not a "fog"... he does not care about anybody but himself. That is not going to "lift". He needs counseling, marriage counseling won't work until he figures out why he is such a mess.

He has cheated on you for 8 years and left this OW on the hook for 8 years. He does treat either of you with love or respect.

I would move on.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear you're going through all of this. That's a long time to find out that your life has been a lie.

You need to move on. You deserve better than this.

My girlfriend found similar emails, brought them to a good lawyer and received a ton of alimony. Move on quickly and get papers filed and an agreement drawn while he feels guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hear you're going through all of this. That's a long time to find out that your life has been a lie.

You need to move on. You deserve better than this.

My girlfriend found similar emails, brought them to a good lawyer and received a ton of alimony. Move on quickly and get papers filed and an agreement drawn while he feels guilty.

Being lied to does not make your whole life a lie.

I agree to move on, this chapter is done... but it was not a lie.

[Anonymous]

He's a dog, as are a lot of men. Dump him.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Just wow. Eight years is no fog. It's another life. You have been played for nearly a decade of your life and you don't get that time back. So sorry for you. Get out yesterday

[Anonymous]

You've given him two chances, one chance too many. It's time to divorce him. Sorry. Best of luck during this difficult time.

[Anonymous]

8 years? nothing can salvage this, and it doesn't even sound like he wants to. get out, and take care of yourself and your child. I am sorry, but there seems to be no reason for staying.

[Anonymous]

I agree that after 8 years it's not a fog, but things usually "change" when the OW finally gets tired of not being the wife and starts making serious demands.

Then, either he hits the eject button and goes with her, or he gets out of what he has with her because she's starting to act nuts.

It depends on what you want out of your marriage. At the very least, he's demonstrated that he is not going to marry her without a metric ton of force being applied, either from OW or you.

A lot of people are quick to say "dump him" but those are usually people who have never been through it, or who have done it themselves and think everyone else should make the same decisions. Not everyone's situation is the same.

One truth is that chances are, if you file for divorce, while you'll be free to move on, a guy like your husband will probably end up marrying the OW. He's already following the path of least resistance by staying with you and having her on the side, without pulling the trigger in any direction. If you create a vacuum, she'll fill it. Do you want to have weird family holidays, do you want to give up half the holidays with your dc, do you want your dc to have a stepmother and step siblings and potentially new half siblings? Do you SAHM and would a divorce force you to go back to work?

[Anonymous]

8 yrs isn't an affair. He's in a relationship with this woman. She's basically his other wife ( common law)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has been having an affair with the same woman for eight years. I have caught them twice before: once when it first started, and we went to counseling, and I told his family and friends and monitored his email and his outings, and then once about four years ago, when I confronted her, but he denied there being anything between them and told me to stop harassing her. Then I caught them again last week (I found his secret email account).

He told her she is the love of his life, which someone on another thread said sounds like the affair fog, and that the marriage could be salvageable with counseling. Could this be the case even after eight years? Should we go back to counseling to break him out of the fog or just throw in the towel now because he is actually in love with someone else?

I am furious, heartbroken, and hurt. We have one child, who is in middle school. I work PT, and could step up to FT, but we would feel it financially.

From what I can tell, the OW is divorced with a kid. She was single when they met, got married, but she is back to using her maiden name on her company's online directory.

First, your marriage is not salvageable. Eight years of cheating. Given a chance and participated in counseling after begin caught the first time. Then getting caught two more times. Again, this is not a salvageable marriage. You need to plan your divorce.

Second, the issue is not whether he is in love with you or someone else. Love is not the issue at all here. He may be telling you that he loves you. You might think you are still in love with him. But, the issue is what kind of person is he and how does he treat you? Is he honest with you? Does he give you the true information about his feelings and behavior, so you can make the best decisions you can for yourself?

Cheating, especially repeated or long term cheating, is a form of emotional abuse. All abuse is, at the core, about power and control of the relationship and the partner. A cheater maintains power and control of the relationship by keeping the partner in the dark about what is really going on. The cheater tells lies to the partner about his true feelings (does he love me? her? either of us?), his goals (does he want to be with me? her? both of us?) and his activities (is he really at the pharmacy or with her?). The cheater does this in order to control the decisions of the partner about the maintenance of the relationship. If the victim spouse really knew that the cheating spouse was involved with another woman, the victim spouse might terminate the relationship. For whatever reason, the cheater spouse doesn't want to risk this, so they lie in order to control and avoid the potential consequences.

You are in a highly abusive relationship. Please visit loveisrespect.org and read about abusive relationships.

All of the above said, your spouse has been manipulating you for 8 years. Take your time to organize yourself for divorce. Visit a good attorney without telling spouse. Gather all necessary documentation. Move into full-time work (I don't understand why you would "feel this financially" unless you mean that even with full-time work you would feel the financial effects of divorce.) Tell him that you are filing for divorce when YOU are prepared. Make sure that your MS child is taken care of for college and after in any divorce settlement.

Cheating is leverage, even if it is not considered so legally. My ex-spouse cheated repeatedly. Even though it is not a consideration by the court in divorce, I found that exDH was quite willing to make concessions on custody and child support in order to prevent me from telling his friends and family the real reasons for divorce (of course, I wouldn't compromise on telling my friends and family).

Sorry you are in this situation. It affects you, but it is not about you, i.e. it has nothing to do with whether he loves you or not, whether or not your lovable or the soulmate, etc. Cheating is solely a reflection of personal weakness within the cheater -- an inability to confront life honestly and work out conflict in an open and transparent manner and a willingness to accept negative consequences.

You don't know it now, but 5 years from now you will look back at this situation and thank your lucky stars that you and your child were able to get out.

Good luck!