Do you feel you married the wrong person?

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[Post New]09/18/2016 21:08
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I am a NP, same situation 35 with 2 kids. DH and I are roommates, sleep in separate bedrooms and have not had sex in months. Staying together for convenience. Divorce seems like such a hassle. He brings up periodically that we need to work on our marriage but honestly I am not interested at this point. Waiting for my oldest to go to college and then I will leave. The youngest is resilient will not be destroyed by divorce


This is so sad. Please make your marriage a priority. Life is too short to be in a mediocre marriage! There is no re-do, and all the unhappy years you spend like this are NOT coming back. My POV is, if you are married, why not make the effort to be in a happy marriage? You are going to be dealing with this person no matter what, since he is the father of your children. He's not going completely away, even if you do divorce. At least, just once, try to make it work! You owe it to yourself. What do you have to lose by trying? You'll just return to where you are now.
[Post New]09/18/2016 21:53
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Anonymous
This is OP again. I'm tired and want to reply but am feeling emotionally drained right now. Really I just want to say thank you so much for all of your supportive replies. So many good points were made and I am sorry others of you are going through similar situations.
[Post New]09/18/2016 22:01
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Anonymous
Divorce doesn't really solve anything, it just gives you a different set of problems. The main thing you share is your kids. No new mate will be able to share that with you. You can't go back in time and change who you had kids with. The older you get, is sex going to even matter much? Your kids need both of you and the easiest way is in the same house.
[Post New]09/18/2016 23:43
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Divorce now. Gently and kindly.


+ 1
[Post New]09/19/2016 00:40
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LastAcorn99
Member Offline
I guess at some point every marriage face this low phase. It’s encouraging to learn that you and your husband want to stick together for your kids. I would definitely suggest that you both seek counseling, check out couples retreat, and attend one. I’m rooting for you two rekindling your love for each other. Don’t give up, okay? Hugs!
[Post New]09/19/2016 01:31
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Divorce now. Gently and kindly.


+ 1


Bad advice. There's nothing gentle or kind in a child's experience of having their home broken up because mom and dad can't shake themselves out of their inertia, and do some work on their marriage. It's so easy to drift apart in the difficult years of raising young kids, and so easy to just sit there in your separate rooms, not even making an earnest effort to try to reconnect with the person you once loved enough to marry and have kids with. No one has done anything terrible or unforgiveable here. You've just drifted off and disconnected, which is incredibly common. And maybe you two are not good at connecting. Please see a marriage counselor and put in the time and effort to do things together as a couple again, to remember what it was you enjoyed with each other. Spend time just lying in bed together, talking, physically close enough that the awkward wall starts to crumble, and see if at some point anyone feels a spark. Try going out together and having new experiences. Part of what bonds couples is having fun new experiences together.

If you can do all that, and then you find you don't care for each other and don't want to be in an intimate relationship, then maybe think about what it is you need to pursue. It's the least you can do for your kids. And I think there's a chance you will rekindle things and be glad you didn't throw it away. There's a lot at stake when there are kids.
[Post New]09/19/2016 15:12
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Anonymous
I'm divorced. It sucks a little for me but a lot for my kid. If I'd had anything workable to stay for, like you seem to have, I would have stayed and worked and worked. It sounds like you two can communicate. He's a good father. A provider. He's not treating your poorly or being a jerk. That's a lot more than I had.
[Post New]09/19/2016 18:19
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Anonymous
I've felt that way sometimes. But I can't undo it. With two kids, I'm committed to it. Most marital problems are solved by sex. Think of it like exercise - you don't REALLY want to do it, but you'll feel better afterward.

As a child of divorce, let me tell you that my parents' divorce and remarriages still affect me directly at age 45. Last month, stepfather asked to include his daughter & grandson during their visit to see us (they live across the country). WTF? This visit is for my kids to see their grandmother not SF to host his daughter in my home for her free 'See DC' vacation. Gimme a break. We STILL have to split holidays between stepfather's kids & mine. Not to mention all the pain & suffering it took for Mom to find & marry this guy. As a young girl, watching your Mom date is the most awkward thing imaginable.
[Post New]09/19/2016 18:23
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:DH and I married very young right out of college. Now we are in our 40s and are completely different people. We are basically roommates with two elementary aged children. We don't fight, no abuse and no affairs. We used to try to occasionally have sex but the desire isn't really there for either of us anymore. We have had separate bedrooms for at least 6 years. We do a great job co-parenting. Sometimes we argue but it isn't too bad since there isn't many times we do things as an entire family.

So now what? Do we divorce when they go to college? I don't even consider him a close friend. We talk about it sometimes and it would distroy our kids. Neither of us want them to have to go from house to house and ours isn't bad or unstable. We even take family vacations and get two rooms. Is there anyone else going through this? I would like an actual parter for me but will put my kids first and don't want to be selfish. I won't have an affair if I'm still married. Honestly, I don't even care if he is.


This is your life OP. Some have worse, some have better, and its all of course, relative. Just get on with it. See how it pans out. Do you really need to make any decisions now? Probably not.
[Post New]09/19/2016 18:26
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Anonymous
Think about what life would look like if he moved out and found a girlfriend who became his wife, and then they started having children. Would you be happy with where your kids fit into his life in this new scenario? Say he stops regular visitation because he's busy with his new family and maybe that new wife is demanding of his time. Would you be OK with the emotional distress your kids would feel at this abandonment?
[Post New]09/19/2016 20:02
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I'm tired and want to reply but am feeling emotionally drained right now. Really I just want to say thank you so much for all of your supportive replies. So many good points were made and I am sorry others of you are going through similar situations.


Hi OP, I am a man here in a similar situation.

Wife and I sleep in separate rooms. We have two elementary school age kids. We get along ok, we co-parent well. I work, she SAHM.

We have occasional sex, usually at my request.

The irony is we are both very upbeat, positive people. But have really run out of chemistry. And very little to bond over. If we didn't have kids, we could wish each other well and admit the relationship was successful for what it was.

What I find is that is helps for us to go out separately, or in a group setting. We have fun on group dinners. We do well when we don't spend alot of time together. We start grating on each other when we force us together. I don't know if that makes sense.

I don't think divorced people are happier. Sure, the ones in toxic marriages are happier, how could you not be? So I try to see all the good, all the low conflict. It doesn't seem worth throwing it all away for the chance of slightly greater happiness and my kids expense.

Question - do you care for each other?
[Post New]09/19/2016 20:05
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Divorce now. Gently and kindly.


+ 1


Bad advice. There's nothing gentle or kind in a child's experience of having their home broken up because mom and dad can't shake themselves out of their inertia, and do some work on their marriage. It's so easy to drift apart in the difficult years of raising young kids, and so easy to just sit there in your separate rooms, not even making an earnest effort to try to reconnect with the person you once loved enough to marry and have kids with. No one has done anything terrible or unforgiveable here. You've just drifted off and disconnected, which is incredibly common. And maybe you two are not good at connecting. Please see a marriage counselor and put in the time and effort to do things together as a couple again, to remember what it was you enjoyed with each other. Spend time just lying in bed together, talking, physically close enough that the awkward wall starts to crumble, and see if at some point anyone feels a spark. Try going out together and having new experiences. Part of what bonds couples is having fun new experiences together.

If you can do all that, and then you find you don't care for each other and don't want to be in an intimate relationship, then maybe think about what it is you need to pursue. It's the least you can do for your kids. And I think there's a chance you will rekindle things and be glad you didn't throw it away. There's a lot at stake when there are kids.


NP here, and I really appreciated reading this. Yes, inertia is our problem, among others. When it's not toxic and there is no passion its hard to get motivated to cure it.
[Post New]09/19/2016 20:21
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I'm tired and want to reply but am feeling emotionally drained right now. Really I just want to say thank you so much for all of your supportive replies. So many good points were made and I am sorry others of you are going through similar situations.


Hi OP, I am a man here in a similar situation.

Wife and I sleep in separate rooms. We have two elementary school age kids. We get along ok, we co-parent well. I work, she SAHM.

We have occasional sex, usually at my request.

The irony is we are both very upbeat, positive people. But have really run out of chemistry. And very little to bond over. If we didn't have kids, we could wish each other well and admit the relationship was successful for what it was.

What I find is that is helps for us to go out separately, or in a group setting. We have fun on group dinners. We do well when we don't spend alot of time together. We start grating on each other when we force us together. I don't know if that makes sense.

I don't think divorced people are happier. Sure, the ones in toxic marriages are happier, how could you not be? So I try to see all the good, all the low conflict. It doesn't seem worth throwing it all away for the chance of slightly greater happiness and my kids expense.

Question - do you care for each other?


What does that mean? Do you not like her? Do you find her unattractive? Even if you just find her to be occasionally fun and somewhat attractive, that's nothing to sneeze at. Sounds like maybe she isn't interested in anything physical and that's driven you apart?
[Post New]09/19/2016 20:33
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I'm tired and want to reply but am feeling emotionally drained right now. Really I just want to say thank you so much for all of your supportive replies. So many good points were made and I am sorry others of you are going through similar situations.


Hi OP, I am a man here in a similar situation.

Wife and I sleep in separate rooms. We have two elementary school age kids. We get along ok, we co-parent well. I work, she SAHM.

We have occasional sex, usually at my request.

The irony is we are both very upbeat, positive people. But have really run out of chemistry. And very little to bond over. If we didn't have kids, we could wish each other well and admit the relationship was successful for what it was.

What I find is that is helps for us to go out separately, or in a group setting. We have fun on group dinners. We do well when we don't spend alot of time together. We start grating on each other when we force us together. I don't know if that makes sense.

I don't think divorced people are happier. Sure, the ones in toxic marriages are happier, how could you not be? So I try to see all the good, all the low conflict. It doesn't seem worth throwing it all away for the chance of slightly greater happiness and my kids expense.

Question - do you care for each other?


What does that mean? Do you not like her? Do you find her unattractive? Even if you just find her to be occasionally fun and somewhat attractive, that's nothing to sneeze at. Sounds like maybe she isn't interested in anything physical and that's driven you apart?


Yes, the lack of physical has driven us apart. That is a chicken and egg question though, isn't it? She would probably say she doesn't feel like being intimate if we aren't connected.

I don't know how we got here, to be honest. It's like we were a whirlwind when the kids were little. Then they hit elementary school, and now we should be celebrating some of our time together again, and instead we bicker. Which is really sad because we aren't negative bickering types. We are what others perceive as the fun couple (side note - classic example of never assume what goes on in a marriage).

She seems to hold a lot of resentment to me. I have my theories, but I don't want to ignite the mommy wars on this thread.

If this makes any sense, we are actually quite kind and occasionally flirty over email and phone when I am travelling for work, but at home when the kids go to bed it's icy.

We need to fix it, I suppose, but it's hard to find the will to work on something you have lost interest in working on. It would be nice to improve it just so the elephant in the room would go away.

Any suggestions?
[Post New]09/19/2016 20:48
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I've felt that way sometimes. But I can't undo it. With two kids, I'm committed to it. Most marital problems are solved by sex. Think of it like exercise - you don't REALLY want to do it, but you'll feel better afterward.

As a child of divorce, let me tell you that my parents' divorce and remarriages still affect me directly at age 45. Last month, stepfather asked to include his daughter & grandson during their visit to see us (they live across the country). WTF? This visit is for my kids to see their grandmother not SF to host his daughter in my home for her free 'See DC' vacation. Gimme a break. We STILL have to split holidays between stepfather's kids & mine. Not to mention all the pain & suffering it took for Mom to find & marry this guy. As a young girl, watching your Mom date is the most awkward thing imaginable.


This. Being an adult child of divorce is a huge pain in the ass and my kids miss out on grandparent time. It makes eldercare really difficult too. If you're going to make your kids put up with a divorce for the rest of their lives, shouldn't you at least be able to tell them you really, really tried?
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