Do you feel you married the wrong person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, the lack of physical has driven us apart. That is a chicken and egg question though, isn't it? She would probably say she doesn't feel like being intimate if we aren't connected.

I don't know how we got here, to be honest. It's like we were a whirlwind when the kids were little. Then they hit elementary school, and now we should be celebrating some of our time together again, and instead we bicker. Which is really sad because we aren't negative bickering types. We are what others perceive as the fun couple (side note - classic example of never assume what goes on in a marriage).

She seems to hold a lot of resentment to me. I have my theories, but I don't want to ignite the mommy wars on this thread.

If this makes any sense, we are actually quite kind and occasionally flirty over email and phone when I am travelling for work, but at home when the kids go to bed it's icy.

We need to fix it, I suppose, but it's hard to find the will to work on something you have lost interest in working on. It would be nice to improve it just so the elephant in the room would go away.

Any suggestions?

I don't know, but it sounds like it isn't beyond hope, but that it will get there if you don't do something.

Maybe try to work through the resentment? It sounds like you haven't talked about it much if you don't know whether there is resentment or what might be causing it. Resentment is certainly a love and lust killer.

It sounds like you need to connect. If you are each just surfing your phones at night on your own, ignoring each other, etc., that's not helping. Maybe try watching thought-provoking or romantic movies together. That can help fix the lack of connection problem without seeming like an awful chore, like therapy.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP but inertia is just not enough of a reason. Divorce is the worst financial decision you can possibly make. And co-parenting is a world of hassle even under the best of circumstances. Seriously, why would you put yourself through that? It's much easier to work on your marriage! Sure, do it for the kids, but get real about the impact of divorce on YOU.

[Anonymous]

I had a terrible, terrible divorce, but now I'm finally happy several years later.

I have seen many amicable and amicable-enough divorces, and I am so envious. Frankly, divorce can be so non-traumatic and civilized, and everyone ends up much better in the end.

I want to add that co-parenting is not really all that awful for most of us. I sort of parallel parent more than coparent but my kids are thriving, and we have our routines down, and I have some free time to myself to enjoy my new life.

I don't want to sugarcoat it all, but I never thought I would be joyful again. I had to get divorced - absolutely no choice - and I never would have done it otherwise. But I would support any friend who came to me like you, OP, and had a marriage like yours.

Just make sure your finances are doable on your own. Remember that you might move, might live in a different type of place. Be open to change, but realistic. ((HUG))

[Anonymous]

Parallel parenting is all well and good if the kids are ok with it, but some kids need more. And if a real problem develops, you will need to co-parent effectively.

PS, OP, how do you feel about your STBXH having a new wife and having no say in how she and DH raise your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parallel parenting is all well and good if the kids are ok with it, but some kids need more. And if a real problem develops, you will need to co-parent effectively.

PS, OP, how do you feel about your STBXH having a new wife and having no say in how she and DH raise your kids?

This post makes no sense. Kids need more of what, exactly?

I hope not more of watching two parents miserably married to each other.

OP and her ex aren't going to run off and get married next year to some evil people who will not let the true parents have any say in how the kids are raised. That rarely happens, if ever, around here. In fact, that rarely happens anywhere anymore.

So what's your real point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parallel parenting is all well and good if the kids are ok with it, but some kids need more. And if a real problem develops, you will need to co-parent effectively.

PS, OP, how do you feel about your STBXH having a new wife and having no say in how she and DH raise your kids?

This post makes no sense. Kids need more of what, exactly?

I hope not more of watching two parents miserably married to each other.

OP and her ex aren't going to run off and get married next year to some evil people who will not let the true parents have any say in how the kids are raised. That rarely happens, if ever, around here. In fact, that rarely happens anywhere anymore.

So what's your real point?

There is a big misconception among the divorced folks on this board, who cheerlead for others to join the divorce club, what the typical ho hum marriage looks like. Wife and I are mature enough not to drag our elementary school kids into our sex life, or lack thereof. Actually, when the kids are awake they dominate our time, and we are very good co-parents and friends. It's not until they climb into bed and the house is quiet and we are done picking up that the reality that wife and I have just grown apart sets in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parallel parenting is all well and good if the kids are ok with it, but some kids need more. And if a real problem develops, you will need to co-parent effectively.

PS, OP, how do you feel about your STBXH having a new wife and having no say in how she and DH raise your kids?

This post makes no sense. Kids need more of what, exactly?

I hope not more of watching two parents miserably married to each other.

OP and her ex aren't going to run off and get married next year to some evil people who will not let the true parents have any say in how the kids are raised. That rarely happens, if ever, around here. In fact, that rarely happens anywhere anymore.

So what's your real point?

There is a big misconception among the divorced folks on this board, who cheerlead for others to join the divorce club, what the typical ho hum marriage looks like. Wife and I are mature enough not to drag our elementary school kids into our sex life, or lack thereof. Actually, when the kids are awake they dominate our time, and we are very good co-parents and friends. It's not until they climb into bed and the house is quiet and we are done picking up that the reality that wife and I have just grown apart sets in.

There is a big misconception among the divorced folks on this board, who cheerlead for others to join the divorce club, what the typical ho hum marriage looks like. Wife and I are mature enough not to drag our elementary school kids into our sex life, or lack thereof. Actually, when the kids are awake they dominate our time, and we are very good co-parents and friends. It's not until they climb into bed and the house is quiet and we are done picking up that the reality that wife and I have just grown apart sets in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parallel parenting is all well and good if the kids are ok with it, but some kids need more. And if a real problem develops, you will need to co-parent effectively.

PS, OP, how do you feel about your STBXH having a new wife and having no say in how she and DH raise your kids?

This post makes no sense. Kids need more of what, exactly?

I hope not more of watching two parents miserably married to each other.

OP and her ex aren't going to run off and get married next year to some evil people who will not let the true parents have any say in how the kids are raised. That rarely happens, if ever, around here. In fact, that rarely happens anywhere anymore.

So what's your real point?

Some kids need more cooperative parenting. Like if a kid has a serious illness or behavior problem, parallel parenting may not be enough.

Isn't this board full of 2nd wives complaining about ex wives, first wives complaining about second wives, parents unable to agree on parenting? Check out Special Concerns, there's plenty there too.

[Anonymous]

It's sounds like a separation would be amicable so I would do it in a heartbeat. You both can be pleasant with each other and co-parent.

I married the wrong person. But I feel stuck- a separation with him would not be amicable at all and he would make my life even more miserable. I'm waiting until the kids go to college.

But if I were in your shoes, make a clean break. As long as the kids see that you both are kind and caring with each other and can co-parent responsibility and nicely then I think they would be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parallel parenting is all well and good if the kids are ok with it, but some kids need more. And if a real problem develops, you will need to co-parent effectively.

PS, OP, how do you feel about your STBXH having a new wife and having no say in how she and DH raise your kids?

This post makes no sense. Kids need more of what, exactly?

I hope not more of watching two parents miserably married to each other.

OP and her ex aren't going to run off and get married next year to some evil people who will not let the true parents have any say in how the kids are raised. That rarely happens, if ever, around here. In fact, that rarely happens anywhere anymore.

So what's your real point?

There is a big misconception among the divorced folks on this board, who cheerlead for others to join the divorce club, what the typical ho hum marriage looks like. Wife and I are mature enough not to drag our elementary school kids into our sex life, or lack thereof. Actually, when the kids are awake they dominate our time, and we are very good co-parents and friends. It's not until they climb into bed and the house is quiet and we are done picking up that the reality that wife and I have just grown apart sets in.

There is a big misconception among the divorced folks on this board, who cheerlead for others to join the divorce club, what the typical ho hum marriage looks like. Wife and I are mature enough not to drag our elementary school kids into our sex life, or lack thereof. Actually, when the kids are awake they dominate our time, and we are very good co-parents and friends. It's not until they climb into bed and the house is quiet and we are done picking up that the reality that wife and I have just grown apart sets in.

So fix it! Doesn't anyone get tired of the constant whining about how people just aren't magically happy in their otherwise nontoxic relationships?!

If you and your spouse get along, don't abuse each other, can co-parent reasonably well, etc., and all that's missing is "happiness", go make some! If you can't make it with the spouse you already have, what makes you think it would be different with another human? Like there's some magical person out there who can make you happy if you can't do that work for yourself?

This thread is full of crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's sounds like a separation would be amicable so I would do it in a heartbeat. You both can be pleasant with each other and co-parent.

I married the wrong person. But I feel stuck- a separation with him would not be amicable at all and he would make my life even more miserable. I'm waiting until the kids go to college.

But if I were in your shoes, make a clean break. As long as the kids see that you both are kind and caring with each other and can co-parent responsibility and nicely then I think they would be fine.

Bullshit, Pollyanna. 'You can both be pleasant' - let's see how that plays out in real life. Kids are NOT fine with divorce. They HATE it and pay for your 'clean break' for the rest of their lives. You're not looking far enough down the road. Divorced parents take on new partners and set up new households. The original kids are displaced, feel like guests in their parent's new home. As hard as parents may try (even in the NOVA bubble where I live), divorced kids pay a price that's difficult for them to verbalize, but present nevertheless. You are breaking their home literally and figuratively. Listen to some Blink-182 and Everclear to hear the anger from the mouths of sons of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sounds like a separation would be amicable so I would do it in a heartbeat. You both can be pleasant with each other and co-parent.

I married the wrong person. But I feel stuck- a separation with him would not be amicable at all and he would make my life even more miserable. I'm waiting until the kids go to college.

But if I were in your shoes, make a clean break. As long as the kids see that you both are kind and caring with each other and can co-parent responsibility and nicely then I think they would be fine.

Bullshit, Pollyanna. 'You can both be pleasant' - let's see how that plays out in real life. Kids are NOT fine with divorce. They HATE it and pay for your 'clean break' for the rest of their lives. You're not looking far enough down the road. Divorced parents take on new partners and set up new households. The original kids are displaced, feel like guests in their parent's new home. As hard as parents may try (even in the NOVA bubble where I live), divorced kids pay a price that's difficult for them to verbalize, but present nevertheless. You are breaking their home literally and figuratively. Listen to some Blink-182 and Everclear to hear the anger from the mouths of sons of divorce.

+1. It may have been the best option but it still sucks. I guess the Amicable Fairy will somehow make dividing holidays for the rest of my life fun and easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parallel parenting is all well and good if the kids are ok with it, but some kids need more. And if a real problem develops, you will need to co-parent effectively.

PS, OP, how do you feel about your STBXH having a new wife and having no say in how she and DH raise your kids?

This post makes no sense. Kids need more of what, exactly?

I hope not more of watching two parents miserably married to each other.

OP and her ex aren't going to run off and get married next year to some evil people who will not let the true parents have any say in how the kids are raised. That rarely happens, if ever, around here. In fact, that rarely happens anywhere anymore.

So what's your real point?

Some kids need more cooperative parenting. Like if a kid has a serious illness or behavior problem, parallel parenting may not be enough.

Isn't this board full of 2nd wives complaining about ex wives, first wives complaining about second wives, parents unable to agree on parenting? Check out Special Concerns, there's plenty there too.

My children don't have behavioral issues, so I can't really relate to this. I'm guessing OP doesn't have this problem either.

In the case of a serious physical illness, my family and I would jump in and take charge. My ex-husband would support us in every way.

I know dozens of divorced families and blended families who are doing amazingly well. It all depends on whether or not it's a somewhat amicable divorce, and if addiction, violence, mental illness, or other serious issues are present. Without these serious issues, divorces can be really easy, especially if the family is financially secure. I'm envious. My ex had these serious issues, and my divorce was hideous, and I had no choice but to end my marriage. But my kids and I are doing amazing after several years. It was all worth it in the end.

OP, talk to a therapist and reach out to others who have divorced - and to women who have stayed in bad marriages and somehow feel that it was worth it in the end.

As for you PP, I think it's a little early for OP to be worrying about second wives, and you seem to be grasping at straws and projecting, obviously with some sort of personal agenda. I know for a fact that my ex will never remarry.

[Anonymous]

If your parents divorced after you turned 18 and left home and you're on here complaining about how much it sucks for you because you have an extra house to visit on Christmas---I'm sorry, but you need to get over yourself. These people sacrificed by staying in a miserable relationship for almost twenty years so that you could grow up in a two-parent home. Now you don't want them to find happiness and for whatever amount of time they have left because it might complicate your schedule. Not cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents divorced after you turned 18 and left home and you're on here complaining about how much it sucks for you because you have an extra house to visit on Christmas---I'm sorry, but you need to get over yourself. These people sacrificed by staying in a miserable relationship for almost twenty years so that you could grow up in a two-parent home. Now you don't want them to find happiness and for whatever amount of time they have left because it might complicate your schedule. Not cool.

God, seriously. What selfish brats those people are. (And no I'm not divorced.)