Do you feel you married the wrong person?

[Anonymous]

DH and I married very young right out of college. Now we are in our 40s and are completely different people. We are basically roommates with two elementary aged children. We don't fight, no abuse and no affairs. We used to try to occasionally have sex but the desire isn't really there for either of us anymore. We have had separate bedrooms for at least 6 years. We do a great job co-parenting. Sometimes we argue but it isn't too bad since there isn't many times we do things as an entire family.

So now what? Do we divorce when they go to college? I don't even consider him a close friend. We talk about it sometimes and it would distroy our kids. Neither of us want them to have to go from house to house and ours isn't bad or unstable. We even take family vacations and get two rooms. Is there anyone else going through this? I would like an actual parter for me but will put my kids first and don't want to be selfish. I won't have an affair if I'm still married. Honestly, I don't even care if he is.

[Anonymous]

Divorce now. Gently and kindly.

[Anonymous]

You are denying yourself happiness. Get a divorce. Get the kids in counseling to help with the transition.

[Anonymous]

Become friends. Then lovers. People in arranged marriages make it work fairly well. No reason you guys can't -- if you're willing to put aside your egos and do some work.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried marriage counseling?

People change throughout marriage doesn't mean you have to get a divorce right away. If you get a new partner things will change too. Then what? Get a divorce?

You owe it to your kids and yourselves to make an honest effort to fix this.

[Anonymous]

It may be too late to change anything but when did things change? Was there something specific that caused you to drift apart? I'm doing the math and although you married young, if you are in your 40's with elementary age kids that meant you waited some time before having kids, maybe 8 or 9 years of marriage and atleast in theory thru first professional job.

I am trying to figure out if this is a "we were very different people 10 years ago but you were afraid to get divorced and decided to have kids with him anyway" or if something about having kids shifted your relationship or kids plus something else that has caused resentment and has you where you are now? Whatever is decided it would be better for you both to agree, is it too late to try again, is it a marriage in name only until the kids are off to college, are you allowed to see other people knowing anyone wanting a real relationship with you or DH will expect a divorce sooner rather than later and will be skeptical of the marriage in name only claim (isn't that always what the cheating spouse says). What if DH gets someone else pregnant, would you be fine with that? I think it is hard for two people to truly whole hearted agree to stay till the kids go off to college and either put all other romantic affairs on hold OR be prepared to only have outside sexual relationships that don't threaten the lonely, disconnected marriage and where both people are using the hall pass oh and when the time comes you are both willing to take the financial hit and start out alone in your 50's and depart like friends that met up at the Pancake House for breakfast.

[Anonymous]

How are you co-parenting if you don't do anything as a family? Your kids know so either work on it or get divorced.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Yes, we waited about 10 years to have kids and both have established professional careers. Sure, we had fun and now we are different. We are both to blame and wouldn't recognize those young carefree kids we once were. I know neither of us want a divorce and on some level want to remember. I am having a lonely day, obviously. We should get counseling or take a weekend away by ourselves.

The question asking how we co parent. Maybe I used the wrong term. I meant that we are both involved with the kids. He isn't at home as much as I am but he will go to games etc. when he can. I think he's a good dad and I wouldn't make a big decision regarding them without consulting him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Yes, we waited about 10 years to have kids and both have established professional careers. Sure, we had fun and now we are different. We are both to blame and wouldn't recognize those young carefree kids we once were. I know neither of us want a divorce and on some level want to remember. I am having a lonely day, obviously. We should get counseling or take a weekend away by ourselves.

The question asking how we co parent. Maybe I used the wrong term. I meant that we are both involved with the kids. He isn't at home as much as I am but he will go to games etc. when he can. I think he's a good dad and I wouldn't make a big decision regarding them without consulting him.

You're essentially divorced already, just living under the same roof. Why not live near each other instead, and get on with your lives? As another PP said, the kids already know.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are lucky to have parents like you, who put the kids first. So many parents are so selfish if they get a divorce in similar circumstances. Could you guys have an open marriage and keep it secret from the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Yes, we waited about 10 years to have kids and both have established professional careers. Sure, we had fun and now we are different. We are both to blame and wouldn't recognize those young carefree kids we once were. I know neither of us want a divorce and on some level want to remember. I am having a lonely day, obviously. We should get counseling or take a weekend away by ourselves.

The question asking how we co parent. Maybe I used the wrong term. I meant that we are both involved with the kids. He isn't at home as much as I am but he will go to games etc. when he can. I think he's a good dad and I wouldn't make a big decision regarding them without consulting him.

There is something more. You are using youth as the reason when it's not. If you said, hey I was pregnant at 19 and we married for the child, I would totally buy that you weren't ready for marriage and kids and that at 19 career decisions weren't aligned with each other. But in your 30's after having been together for 8-10 years and professionally establishing careers ...there has to be more to it. Either one or both of you stopped making the effort to connect, mid-life crisis, or something else. Many of the people I know met spouses in their mid-twenties when we were young and really knew little about life, had kids early 30's and been with each other thru fertility treatments, craziness of raising young kids, layoffs, death of parents etc. No one had a crystal ball when the cute guy struck up a conversation at a party that you would end up being the rock for each other. But I can also see how in some cases those things can break couples apart.

I know the standard refrain is counseling but in this case I wonder/hope it could help you guys turn the corner because another 8-10 years like the last few is definately not how you want to live life.

[Anonymous]

I married young, and we have been married 8 years. I have frequently felt at various points in my marriage (early on and later on) that DH was the "wrong" person. But my point of view is that he is MY wrong person, and I have to woman up and work with him.

I think all marriages have periods where you feel distant. In the end, DH and I have so much history together, and we have our children together. We bought our first car together, our first home together, etc. He is also my best friend. So if I'm going to have sex with someone, it better be him.

Please try to re-acquaint yourself with DH and go through some counseling. He must have a lot of good points if he is a good parent and you don't fight! Find what you loved about him to begin with. You need to work to connect with him, or at least give it your all just one time before quitting. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I married the perfect man with the exception of our sex life. He is low drive and I've come to really resent it. Makes me never or rarely want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married young, and we have been married 8 years. I have frequently felt at various points in my marriage (early on and later on) that DH was the "wrong" person. But my point of view is that he is MY wrong person, and I have to woman up and work with him.

I think all marriages have periods where you feel distant. In the end, DH and I have so much history together, and we have our children together. We bought our first car together, our first home together, etc. He is also my best friend. So if I'm going to have sex with someone, it better be him.

Please try to re-acquaint yourself with DH and go through some counseling. He must have a lot of good points if he is a good parent and you don't fight! Find what you loved about him to begin with. You need to work to connect with him, or at least give it your all just one time before quitting. Life is too short.

+1

[Anonymous]

I am a NP, same situation 35 with 2 kids. DH and I are roommates, sleep in separate bedrooms and have not had sex in months. Staying together for convenience. Divorce seems like such a hassle. He brings up periodically that we need to work on our marriage but honestly I am not interested at this point. Waiting for my oldest to go to college and then I will leave. The youngest is resilient will not be destroyed by divorce