Anonymous wrote:OP, I have great parents but I totally get where you're coming from because I've seen it happen in my own extended family and with my friends. The mean PP's should take a moment to stop and really think about what they're suggesting -- that just because you weren't abused and you lived in relative comfort means that your parents had no further duties to provide emotional support? Really, that's what you think?

I am far from a helicopter parent and I don't buy into the trappings of "attachment parenting" at all, but a child knows whether her parents like her and are interested in her. A warm bed to sleep in and a college education don't mean that the children received everything that they needed. And the choices are not (a) emotional neglect or (b) smothering. Some parents manage quite nicely without doing either.

OP, I'm sorry you feel this way and I don't think you're whining at all. I think you're just thinking carefully about a really personal subject and unfortunately decided to vent in a place where people are often downright cruel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have great parents but I totally get where you're coming from because I've seen it happen in my own extended family and with my friends. The mean PP's should take a moment to stop and really think about what they're suggesting -- that just because you weren't abused and you lived in relative comfort means that your parents had no further duties to provide emotional support? Really, that's what you think?

I am far from a helicopter parent and I don't buy into the trappings of "attachment parenting" at all, but a child knows whether her parents like her and are interested in her. A warm bed to sleep in and a college education don't mean that the children received everything that they needed. And the choices are not (a) emotional neglect or (b) smothering. Some parents manage quite nicely without doing either.

OP, I'm sorry you feel this way and I don't think you're whining at all. I think you're just thinking carefully about a really personal subject and unfortunately decided to vent in a place where people are often downright cruel.

WELL SAID!!! my sentiments exactly!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have great parents but I totally get where you're coming from because I've seen it happen in my own extended family and with my friends. The mean PP's should take a moment to stop and really think about what they're suggesting -- that just because you weren't abused and you lived in relative comfort means that your parents had no further duties to provide emotional support? Really, that's what you think?

I am far from a helicopter parent and I don't buy into the trappings of "attachment parenting" at all, but a child knows whether her parents like her and are interested in her. A warm bed to sleep in and a college education don't mean that the children received everything that they needed. And the choices are not (a) emotional neglect or (b) smothering. Some parents manage quite nicely without doing either.

OP, I'm sorry you feel this way and I don't think you're whining at all. I think you're just thinking carefully about a really personal subject and unfortunately decided to vent in a place where people are often downright cruel.

WELL SAID!!! my sentiments exactly!!!

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the PP who grew up with crappy parents. I just don't get the point of mulling this over. Seriously. It is ancient history. There is nothing you can do to change it. You can choose to be pissed off or you can choose to move ahead. You can get stuck thinking about all the things you wished were better or you can use those thoughts into energizing and invigorate your relationship with your children. You are an adult now and they are all that matters at this point.

I have found being a mom to be amazingly cathartic. I'll remember when my mom or dad did X and I will do Y instead. OMG, it is so empowering! I am able to give my children all of the things I was denied. It makes me feel like Superwoman! Do I get sad thinking about how nice my childhood could have been? Of course! I have told my husband numerous times that I wish I could have parented me. I wish I could go back in time and hug that beautiful little girl and tell her to hang in there, all will be right with the world one day. But I can't. So I hug my sons instead and make everything right in their world today.

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the PP who grew up with crappy parents. I just don't get the point of mulling this over. Seriously. It is ancient history. There is nothing you can do to change it. You can choose to be pissed off or you can choose to move ahead. You can get stuck thinking about all the things you wished were better or you can use those thoughts into energizing and invigorate your relationship with your children. You are an adult now and they are all that matters at this point.

I have found being a mom to be amazingly cathartic. I'll remember when my mom or dad did X and I will do Y instead. OMG, it is so empowering! I am able to give my children all of the things I was denied. It makes me feel like Superwoman! Do I get sad thinking about how nice my childhood could have been? Of course! I have told my husband numerous times that I wish I could have parented me. I wish I could go back in time and hug that beautiful little girl and tell her to hang in there, all will be right with the world one day. But I can't. So I hug my sons instead and make everything right in their world today.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op sounds like a complaining teenager.
i bet if mom and dad asked about your sex life or your feelings for your high school sweetheart you would slam the door on their faces like any teenager does.
your parents did what they thought was right. can you please be thankful/????????????????

Agree. It was a different generation. OP describes the typical family back then. Move on. BTW, OP, don't be so sure that by spending time with your kids that all will be well.

Anonymous wrote:OP, a word of support for you. I agree with other posters about the negativity. Obviously you have touched on a very sore subject because people either recognize themselves in your parents and take your comments as personal condemnation or they think that because you have not suffered in the same way they have suffered, you have no right to complain.

I am someone whose parents were truly abusive -- physically, emotionally, and for a time, sexually. I think that the bottom line is that what hurts, hurts and everything is relative. Being sexually abused is not even the worst thing that's ever happened to me, to be honest. I think the subtle sadnesses can sometimes be as powerful or more powerful a pain as the big ones -- at least with the big ones, you can know it's wrong. With the little pains, like years of detached parents who are simply not interested in you as a person, those effects can be harder to trace.

I don't know your parents or you -- so who knows whether or not your complaints are valid to another person. What matters is they are valid to you. It sounds like you are engaged in some serious thought about your own children and the way you are raising them. Perhaps the thing to do is to talk to your children, watch the way they respond to your parenting, and try to find a balance they respond well to. Our childhood injuries can stay with us for a long time and of course, it is true that they may stay with us forever if we continue to nurse those wounds instead of getting over them. but it sounds like you are just starting to think about it. It's okay to do this. Ignore the vicious women on this board. They have deep psychological wounds of their own that have nothing to do with you. Especially the ones who talk about how they got over their backgrounds and are perfectly fine now. Their vicious behavior towards a stranger belies that claim.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the PP who grew up with crappy parents. I just don't get the point of mulling this over. Seriously. It is ancient history. There is nothing you can do to change it. You can choose to be pissed off or you can choose to move ahead. You can get stuck thinking about all the things you wished were better or you can use those thoughts into energizing and invigorate your relationship with your children. You are an adult now and they are all that matters at this point.

I have found being a mom to be amazingly cathartic. I'll remember when my mom or dad did X and I will do Y instead. OMG, it is so empowering! I am able to give my children all of the things I was denied. It makes me feel like Superwoman! Do I get sad thinking about how nice my childhood could have been? Of course! I have told my husband numerous times that I wish I could have parented me. I wish I could go back in time and hug that beautiful little girl and tell her to hang in there, all will be right with the world one day. But I can't. So I hug my sons instead and make everything right in their world today.

To be honest, I don't see any huge difference between your post an OP's. I don't see her as stuck looking backwards at all. I saw this as a pensive look back at how her parents treated her that led to a positive look forward at how she is treating her children. Yes, she mentioned the fallout that she's been thinking may be related to her childhood, but how is that whining? How is that any different from saying you'd like to go back in time and hug "that beautiful little girl" etc? You just used different words.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am one of the PP who grew up with crappy parents. I just don't get the point of mulling this over. Seriously. It is ancient history. There is nothing you can do to change it. You can choose to be pissed off or you can choose to move ahead. You can get stuck thinking about all the things you wished were better or you can use those thoughts into energizing and invigorate your relationship with your children. You are an adult now and they are all that matters at this point.

I have found being a mom to be amazingly cathartic. I'll remember when my mom or dad did X and I will do Y instead. OMG, it is so empowering! I am able to give my children all of the things I was denied. It makes me feel like Superwoman! Do I get sad thinking about how nice my childhood could have been? Of course! I have told my husband numerous times that I wish I could have parented me. I wish I could go back in time and hug that beautiful little girl and tell her to hang in there, all will be right with the world one day. But I can't. So I hug my sons instead and make everything right in their world today.

To be honest, I don't see any huge difference between your post an OP's. I don't see her as stuck looking backwards at all. I saw this as a pensive look back at how her parents treated her that led to a positive look forward at how she is treating her children. Yes, she mentioned the fallout that she's been thinking may be related to her childhood, but how is that whining? How is that any different from saying you'd like to go back in time and hug "that beautiful little girl" etc? You just used different words.

I see a huge difference in the two posts -- one is looking back and the other is looking forward. PP, I would have hugged you as a little girl too. You also sound like someone I would like to be friends with today.