realizing things about my childhood as an adult

[Anonymous]

as a parent, i've been thinking a lot about my own childhood and i realized something that i had never realized before, even though i consider myself to be pretty perceptive: my parents essentially paid me no substantive attention. i've had a rough go of it, emotionally, since i graduated from college. made some poor decisions and paid pretty dear prices for them. but i was set up, on the surface at least, for a "successful" life. my parents didn't abuse me, they were middle class, we had a nice house, took family vacations, we went to good schools, my sisters and I were all excellent students, well-rounded, went to great colleges etc...but all three of us (my sisters and I) have been wandering aimlessly since early adulthood, engaging in subtle, low-level forms of self-destructive behavior.

i've thought about it for years and now that i am a parent, i think i finally realize--my parents didn't really pay any of us any attention. i didn't realize it as a child, because they did things that you would expect parents to do--go to soccer games and plays, ask us about school at the dinner table. but i don't think they ever really delved into our lives beyond the surface. i don't remember either of them asking me about how i felt about anything or what i thought about anything. it seems like all they wanted was for us to be high-achieving suburban pod kids so that they could not have to worry about us and therefore, open up time for them to just whatever they wanted (work a lot, pursue hobbies). as soon as we were old enough to fend for ourselves, my parents were off doing their own thing. they would check in if something was amiss (ie--i got an A-).

anyway, these are just the things i think about when i am with my dd. i am there but am i really paying attention?

[Anonymous]

So sick of this type of dribble. It sounds like your parents gave you a solid foundation, what you do with it late in life is your responsibility. Think of all the kids out there that have no one or are abused. Do you really think that you can compare your "rough go of it emotionally" to what they have to face every day.

Hover over your daughter if you insist. It does not mean that she will not rebel against you later on in her life. We all hold some resentment towards our parents or think that we can do a better job but you cannot always blame them for your shortcomings

[Anonymous]

I hear ya, OP. My sister and I have often thought about this. We kids all got really screwed up but in comparison to a lot of people we had a good life. Our parents didn't beat us or yell at us a lot. We had all the creature comforts and the good schools. But in my family there was alcoholism and an enormous amount of anxiety that was hidden away and not managed well. It was not a place where it was okay to feel sad and angry and no one taught me how to deal with those feelings.

Have done a lot of therapy and I hope I am doing better than my parents but my kid has had her own problems. You just do the best you can.

[Anonymous]

My childhood was pretty much the same. I think that was a common way of parenting. They did their best with what they knew about. I do understand certain pain that can come from that realization, but also believe that we as adults are responsible for our own happiness and it's not productive dwelling on the past (examining it to see how it played a role, and then making life better is a different story).

This is also why most childhood development experts recommended child-centered approach to parenting these days. Like Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Our parents generally focused on the first three -- physical needs, safety needs, and nurturing. Today we try to add in helping our children build self-esteem. The last step is up to them.

[Anonymous]

I think when you become a parent, you do realize many things about your own childhood that were deficient. But you also come to realize how difficult it is to be a parent. How colossally hard it is to focus your attention when you are exhausted and overworked. How hard it is sometimes to know what to do.

I have found the opposite of you, OP. After many years of anger with my parents' deficiencies, since I myself became a parent I have found a lot of forgiveness because I now know how hard it is to be a parent. I know that I sometimes don't have it to give and that I have to "fake it till I make it."

I think what you are asking...for them to know always when to probe more deeply into your life and to always be there for you -- is asking too much. Think of yourself as a surly adolescent. Would you have wanted them to get into your business? I know I would not have wanted my parents getting "under the surface" all the time. Absolutely not.

I think you need to reach a happy medium and let go a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Always paying attention? We aren't robots. To me, being "on" nonstop is exhausting. My child is the center of my universe but we still need to lead separate lives, ones that run parallel to each other. I don't expect anyone to pay constant attention to me and I would not want to create a narcissistic monster by paying non-stop attention to my child.

And just because your parents didn't know the "right" answers to ask or just didn't think to ask them doesn't mean they weren't interested in your life. As someone whose parents were emotionally absent but physically abusive, it seems to me like your parents were very engaged.

I left home at 17 with a very clear purpose - to put myself through college and be successful so I could get as much distance between myself and them as possible (and I mean that in more ways than one.) I have been out of that home for 20 years and don't engage in self pity. I highly recommend you start doing the same.

[Anonymous]

OP - it sort of sounds like you are whining. You are an adult, possibly you got married and had a child or two? You sound lucky to me. Life is not perfect. We are all a bit screwed up - no matter what our upbringing, and hate to break it to you, our kids will be a bit screwed up too.

That is life. I had a great childhood overall, have a great marriage and a happy, healthy, beautiful child, a wonderful career, great family work-life balance. But sure I look back on things and wish my parents had done things differently. For example, why did my mom convince me I would be bad at math because I was a girl? Not ideal, but she also helped foster a love of writing that has served me to this day.

You take the good with the bad and that is life. Sounds like it may be time to move on and be the best mom you can be.

[Anonymous]

I think some of you are being a little rough on the OP. This may be the first time she has thought about this stuff and wanted to check it out with some other people. I don't get the impression that she is a long-term whiner. Sounds like she is coming to grips with something and working it out.

Of course the advice to deal with it and move on is appropriate. Just think you're being a little hard on her.

[Anonymous]

I think some of you people simply don't know how to be anything but vicious. Disagree, if you must. Fine. But, the tone and substance is really over-the-top.

Frankly, I agree with you OP. I have realized many of my parents' failings through my own role as parent. What I experienced was a bit more . . . well, we'll just leave it at more . . . but that doesn't mean you didn't suffer from their lack of attention. It is hard when you're parent doesn't come to watch your games, or interact with your friends' parents, or is generally an outsider. Been there and it does suck. For many reasons.

And, the "move on" suggestions are sweetly naive. It just isn't that easy for some people, due to any number of factors. You're tough and can just role with the punches? Great! Not everyone is. And, by the way, the whole concept of realization and releasing yourself from the negativity . . . say, by venting to anonymous board where you can do so w/o hurting anyone's feelings . . . to me is part of that moving on process. Or at least it can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have found the opposite of you, OP. After many years of anger with my parents' deficiencies, since I myself became a parent I have found a lot of forgiveness because I now know how hard it is to be a parent. I know that I sometimes don't have it to give and that I have to "fake it till I make it."

Ditto.

However I'm not going to be so nice. OP sounds like a whiner. Cry me a river for god's sake. OPs parents look like they deserve a gold medal compared to mine. Unlike the cry baby, we were abused by our father and hopped from house to house, never having a permanant home. I was angry for YEARS for my mom for exposing us to this (oh and don't get me started on "attention" because in my house it was called "neglect") and once I became a mom myself I realized that it was time to GROW up and take control of my life and stop looking back. Instead, I've learned to grow strong from my colorful and not for a moment dull life.

At the end of the day, my mom did her best. Sure she did not have good coping skills, but at the end of the day she loved us and thought she was doing her best. She knows she made mistakes and I don't need to remind her or myself.

OP, move on. Stop blaming, you are a grown now. Start acting like it.

[Anonymous]

WAAAAAAHHHH!!! Get the fuck over it.

[Anonymous]

I think people are reacting strongly because OP crosses the line between being pensive and blaming her parent "but all three of us (my sisters and I) have been wandering aimlessly since early adulthood, engaging in subtle, low-level forms of self-destructive behavior."

Now that I am a mom, I too wonder why my parents did this or that but I remain pensive about it, not "Eureka! So I mainline heroin because I wanted a purple room and my parents made it pink." The past is the past and all I can take from it are life lessons that make me a better mom today.

[Anonymous]

Man there are such rude people here. Perhaps OP just wanted to be more emotionally bonded with her family. That doesn't warrant a bunch of name calling. The PPs are the ones who need to grow up and grow a heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WAAAAAAHHHH!!! Get the fuck over it.

what a juvenile bitchy response.

[Anonymous]

Without being harsh, I will agree with some of the more expressive posters. Childrearing has changed over the last generation (not necessarily for the better in all cased), but the touchy-feely child psych stuff that we have no was an emerging "science" when many of us were growing up so collectively all of our parents did the best they could with whatever hand they were dealt.