realizing things about my childhood as an adult

[Anonymous]

There is NOTHING wrong with looking back as the OP is doing. You have to look back first in order to move on, as the mean posters are suggesting. The OP is only in the beginning of a process which many of you have obviously been through and are now at the point of resolution. Give her time to get there. I didn't see your post as whining, OP.

To the posters who suggest that there is no point in dwelling, well unacknowledged pain can exert a powerful and sometimes-unconscious influence on the choices we make today. So I am glad she is thinking about this.

[Anonymous]

PP- AGREED, WHOLEHEARTEDLY. How can people progress, otherwise?

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way, OP. Some of the realizations that I have had about my own mother after I had my daughter have been VERY unpleasant. I understand that my mother loves me. But remembering her disinterest and anger at us for having the kind of needs that small children have and insistence that her life was so hard and she was soooo busy and so put upon all the time. Flash forward and I was turning myself inside to work and spend time with my daughter when I had the stark realization that my mom was home and did not work and did not want to have anything to do with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people are reacting strongly because OP crosses the line between being pensive and blaming her parent "but all three of us (my sisters and I) have been wandering aimlessly since early adulthood, engaging in subtle, low-level forms of self-destructive behavior."

Now that I am a mom, I too wonder why my parents did this or that but I remain pensive about it, not "Eureka! So I mainline heroin because I wanted a purple room and my parents made it pink." The past is the past and all I can take from it are life lessons that make me a better mom today.

My mom reminded me the other day how I thought we were the only dysfunctional family. I laughed and said yup - until I got to the job where I knew waaay to much about everyone's lives - I didn't realize that most people had dysfunctional families - they just weren't telling you their business! So anyway, I think some of the responses have been harsh because people are replaying the childhood issues they are trying to move past. I know with me even though I know the past is the past and I feel I have used that history to make better choices for myself - the hurt is still below the surface. When I hear someone try to justify infidelity - that's my red button issue - I'm 17 all over again and have no idea if my dad is at his "friend's" house and have no way to reach him.

Back to the OP's initial question - I think child rearing itself has evolved. I find myself asking my daughter's opinion and giving her choices etc. and I can tell you I rarely remember being asked my opinion. We were also largely expected to entertain ourselves at a certain age and I know we watched way too much t.v. as a family. I think this generation that is in college/just out of college now has the helicopter parents that are almost overly involved. I'm hoping I can find that balance between not being involved enough and being overly involved.

[Anonymous]

Wise post, pp.