realizing things about my childhood as an adult

[Anonymous]

And FWIW, kids who screw up as teens and their parents don't step in and knock some sense into them can blame their parents to an extent. But young adults who make poor choices really can't place the blame on their parents. There comes a point in time when people need to take responsibility for their choices.

[Anonymous]

My sisters and I were raised the same way. Mom was depressed and back then, it wasn't treated or acknowledged. Dad was a typical dad, not interested in the kids. Evenings were his relaxation times, and weekends were for sports and personal interests. We were well cared for physically, but received essentially no guidance or life skills.

I think a big part of it was simply the era; back then (the 60's and 70's) parents duties were to feed, clothe, and make sure the kids were educated. No one back then thought about (gasp!) talking to their kids or heaven forbid, asking them for their viewpoints. Not saying this is right, but it does help me get over the fact that we basically raised ourselves in my house. I was a latchkey kid from age 6. I remember walking home from kindergarten to a babysitters. My kids' elem school won't even ALLOW kids under 3rd grade to walk home (all walkers live within 11 blocks of school, any further are bus-riders). So, definitely a different era.

That said, I excused and whitewashed my parents' disinterest in us kids. It was years before I realized the way we were raised might not have been normal. Then I still wouldn't say out loud I thought we were neglected or that my parents didn't pay us much attention. It wasn't until much later (and therapy and talking with my sisters) that we all realized that yes, many of our friends DID have parents who were invested in them and who didn't check out after coming home from work.

My mom knows she was raised by a woman who was very unemotional and unloving. She tried her best, and she did make a vast improvement along the continuum over her own mother. I hope my kids are able to say the same about me. There are days when I feel like it's a struggle to connect with my daughter, when it's always so effortless to connect with my sons. Maybe there's a mother-daughter dynamic at play for many of us too?

And don't even get me started on unraveling where my early promiscuity and anger towards men started...

[Anonymous]

I get where she's coming from, though. My father was (and still is) a serious alcoholic. So there's more to it than JUST this, but one of the things that bothered me the most when I was little, before I understood what alcoholism meant, was that he took zero interest in me. What made it tough to understand for a long time was he never did anything I could point to and say, "See? This was abusive." He never hit me, anything like that. But until I finally cut him off in my early 20s, he was just... profoundly disinterested in me. Completely disengaged. Couldn't name my friends, an interest of mine, a band I liked, what my college major would be. Sounds silly, but these things mattered to me when I was 12.

Before you jump all over me, trust me, I get that people had it far, far worse. I know. It still wasn't easy.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god, OP, get over yourself.
PP who called this dribble was right on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god, OP, get over yourself.
PP who called this dribble was right on.

Really? Was this helpful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god, OP, get over yourself.
PP who called this dribble was right on.

such a trollish thing to say. sheesh.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that OP is saying "poor me" and using her childhood experience as justification for being miserable and making poor choices. She's just reflecting on what has shaped her into who she is--becoming a parent has a way of bringing up unresolved childhood issues. It sounds like OP didn't feel truly loved or appreciated by her parents, and it's painful for her. Obviously many have had it worse, but that doesn't negate OP's pain. I had a very difficult relationship with my dad when I was growing up. Do I use it as an excuse to make the same mistakes with my own children? No. But when I feel my temper flare up with my kids and I feel like a horrible person as a result, it does help to understand what some of these feelings are rooted in and to have some empathy for the sad, angry child that I was. And it helps me make different choices.

[Anonymous]

Dear God OP, I hope you can ignore the peple who are posting really mean thing to you.

They are probably the same 2 or three people if it helps any.

To you post: Have you condiered that your parents may have been depressed? I can't remember the word for it, but there is a type of depression that is very low grade -- dysthemia maybe? -- Often goes along with alcohol use I think for self-medication. Anyhow, they might just not have been very happy people, not happy with their lives, not happy with their kids, not tuned into you.

My parents didn't hover over us by any means growing up; they were far too busy esp as we became older kids and teens, we had our own lives and such; but I always had this feeling that I was of interest to them, that they really cared about me as an individual. THat brings you a sense of security and self worth.

If you didn't have that, it is no wonder you are flailing about now as an adult. Good for you for realizing where this may stem from.

I bet that good therapy (watch out there's bad kinds out there) could help you a lot, if you aren't already doing that.

Good luck! PLEASE ignore the assholes.

[Anonymous]

People are being very unkind to OP. Seriously, what motivates you all? Does it really feel good to kick someone when she's down??

OP: If you're interested in doing some reading on this topic (your feelings about your childhood, especially as they relate to being a parent yourself), you might want to try "Parenting from the Inside Out" (by Siegal?) and/or "Mindful Parenting" by Myla and Job Kabot Zinn (sp?) The first is a bit of a dense and slow read, but the exercises and self-inquiries might be useful. And "Mindful Parenting" is just wonderful. I bet it would be a great resource to help you be more engaged and present with your own children without going too far in the wrong direction (helicopter or smothering parenting).

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

op sounds like a complaining teenager.
i bet if mom and dad asked about your sex life or your feelings for your high school sweetheart you would slam the door on their faces like any teenager does.
your parents did what they thought was right. can you please be thankful/????????????????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op sounds like a complaining teenager.
i bet if mom and dad asked about your sex life or your feelings for your high school sweetheart you would slam the door on their faces like any teenager does.
your parents did what they thought was right. can you please be thankful/????????????????

i bet you'll give your life for your daughter and how would you feel if she told you that she feels like it's not enough? how dare you judge the intent of their hearts?
you're being ungrateful and it's very UGLY! please teach your child to be thankful for everything she has. the little or few you get from someone can be all they had to offer you. please treasure the intention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op sounds like a complaining teenager.
i bet if mom and dad asked about your sex life or your feelings for your high school sweetheart you would slam the door on their faces like any teenager does.
your parents did what they thought was right. can you please be thankful/????????????????

hmm, I won't even say what you sound like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have found the opposite of you, OP. After many years of anger with my parents' deficiencies, since I myself became a parent I have found a lot of forgiveness because I now know how hard it is to be a parent. I know that I sometimes don't have it to give and that I have to "fake it till I make it."

Ditto.

However I'm not going to be so nice. OP sounds like a whiner. Cry me a river for god's sake. OPs parents look like they deserve a gold medal compared to mine. Unlike the cry baby, we were abused by our father and hopped from house to house, never having a permanant home. I was angry for YEARS for my mom for exposing us to this (oh and don't get me started on "attention" because in my house it was called "neglect") and once I became a mom myself I realized that it was time to GROW up and take control of my life and stop looking back. Instead, I've learned to grow strong from my colorful and not for a moment dull life.

At the end of the day, my mom did her best. Sure she did not have good coping skills, but at the end of the day she loved us and thought she was doing her best. She knows she made mistakes and I don't need to remind her or myself.

OP, move on. Stop blaming, you are a grown now. Start acting like it.

This is childish logic. Sort of like this:
By your logic, YOU shouldnt complain about your childhood because at least you weren't living in a Kenyan shantytown with rats nibbling your toes while you sold your 12 yr old body to local men in exchange for grains of maggot-ridden rice.

In other words, there is always someone who is worse off or better off than you. Someone can have a middle class upbringing and all kinds of luxuries and still be deeply and profoundly dysfunctional. Do only poor people kill themselves? No. Sounds like OP didn't have it too bad but I think she knows that. I think what she is realizing is that looking back and saying "yeah, i had an easy childhood with everything I could ever need" has not served her well. Psychologically, it is important that she not versimplify her childhood purely in terms of what resources/privileges she had. Seems to me the key to a happy childhood is 1) basic needs met 2) no overt abuse 3) unconditional love and support from parents who help you develop a sense of yourself as an individual. Sounds like OP had 1) and 2) but not 3). My parents weren't perfect but I will always know that they were deeply invested in me as a person and usually curious/concerned about what i thought or felt.

On a side note, you people REALLY need to reel in the aggressive, mean comments. Apart from anything else, you are doing yourselves a disservice. Letting yourselves anonymously attack someone so cruelly cannot be good for your psyche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op sounds like a complaining teenager.
i bet if mom and dad asked about your sex life or your feelings for your high school sweetheart you would slam the door on their faces like any teenager does.
your parents did what they thought was right. can you please be thankful/????????????????

Agree. It was a different generation. OP describes the typical family back then. Move on. BTW, OP, don't be so sure that by spending time with your kids that all will be well.

[Anonymous]

And, the "move on" suggestions are sweetly naive. It just isn't that easy for some people, due to any number of factors. You're tough and can just role with the punches? Great! Not everyone is. And, by the way, the whole concept of realization and releasing yourself from the negativity . . . say, by venting to anonymous board where you can do so w/o hurting anyone's feelings . . . to me is part of that moving on process. Or at least it can be.

I agree with this poster, and also think that the mean postings are probably from the same two or three people.

In order to be a better parent, we have to acknowledge those negative emotions that we never examined before. We all want to do best by our kids, I would hope.

OP, I grew up with emotionally detached parents, and my kids have emotionally detached grandparents. It is sad. It does hurt. It's awful to be the kid whose parents could care less about your accomplishments. It's awful to be the kid whose parents don't come to your sporting events. It's hurtful that my parents, who have only two grandkids, can't be bothered to remember how to spell their names or to send them gifts on their birthdays.

To the "dribble" posters (it's drivel BTW), perhaps it's time that you acknowledge whatever emotions you haven't examined, and try to understand why the OP's message enraged you so much.