Neighbours child lives with us, mom ignores me

Forum Index » Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
[Post New]05/29/2009 20:27
Anonymous
zumbamama wrote:My DSD had a couple friends like that. They would come over after school, stay for dinner, and when I try to contact the parents, they are nowhere to be found. I let them stay the night because I didn't want them out on the street. The parents came the next day and didn't even say a word about the matter! I'm like, "did you even know where your daughter/son was last night?" They don't know or care! So, so sad.

If I were you, I'd lay down the ground rules firmly. It is nice that you are there for her, but it is your house. I wouldn't hold back my thoughts from the mother either. Speak your mind! Maybe they could use the wake up call.



Speak her mind to the mother? That will not change any behavior on the mother's part and will result only in repercussions for the child. It's not that the mother doesn't care--she is psychologically unable to deal w/ motherhood and there is a 10 year-old girl flailing about looking for some stable household where she can get , a nurturing environment and something to eat other than hot pockets.

Seriously zumba, your holier than thou attitude is annoying and lacks depth of insight into a very serious situation.


[Post New]05/29/2009 20:32
Anonymous
The OP is moving in a few months, first of all, so she likely won't be saving this girl.
[Post New]05/29/2009 20:35
zumbamama
Site Admin Offline
I do not think I'm holier than anyone. I'm just saying I wouldn't stand by and NOT say anything. Why is talking about the problem bad? Why is communication annoying? Why is speaking up for yourself lacking insight? Maybe it won't change a thing if she speaks up, but at least the neighbor will know where OP stands on the matter. What is your advice PP? Just let things ride?
[Post New]05/29/2009 20:42
zumbamama
Site Admin Offline
And I commended OP for being there for the girl, because I have been in the same situation. I wasn't judging her or saying I was better than her. That is never my intent.
[Post New]05/29/2009 20:42
Anonymous
Zumba, don't feed the troll
[Post New]05/29/2009 21:03
Anonymous
Your advice was good, Zumba. I agree, ignore the troll.
[Post New]05/29/2009 21:21
zumbamama
Site Admin Offline
thank you. And let me clarify that when I say firmly, and speak your mind, that doesn't mean she can't be nice and diplomatic about it. She can address the problem with her neighbor in a nice way as to not create any additional tension.
[Post New]05/29/2009 21:41
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Your advice was good, Zumba. I agree, ignore the troll.


I doubt these are the words of a troll: That will not change any behavior on the mother's part and will result only in repercussions for the child. It's not that the mother doesn't care--she is psychologically unable to deal w/ motherhood and there is a 10 year-old girl flailing about looking for some stable household where she can get , a nurturing environment and something to eat other than hot pockets.
[Post New]05/30/2009 07:52
Anonymous
zumbamama wrote:And I commended OP for being there for the girl, because I have been in the same situation. I wasn't judging her or saying I was better than her. That is never my intent.



No you're not judging the OP. You are judging the other mother's parenting skills and suggesting that OP tell this woman all the things she's doing wrong as a parent. Do you actually think someone who obviously has issues wants to hear how her neighbor thinks she is a bad parent and how to improve? This approach would perhaps make OP feel better; but as I suggested before and will again, the effect of this "talk" would most likely make this situation much worse for this child. Do you need me to spell out what some of these repercussions could be?

And by the way, you were hurt and angry--dare I say outraged-for me to call you out on what I believe to be a self-righteous response to this issue. See how you yelled back and looked to your friends to back you up and tell you, it's ok, you're right--she's wrong, a troll! I am not a troll. (It's so amusing how everyone on this listserv rushes to label people "trolls".) Yes, the mother's response would be exactly the same, except fueled by divorce, depression, anger and alcohol.






[Post New]05/30/2009 08:48
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
zumbamama wrote:And I commended OP for being there for the girl, because I have been in the same situation. I wasn't judging her or saying I was better than her. That is never my intent.



No you're not judging the OP. You are judging the other mother's parenting skills and suggesting that OP tell this woman all the things she's doing wrong as a parent. Do you actually think someone who obviously has issues wants to hear how her neighbor thinks she is a bad parent and how to improve? This approach would perhaps make OP feel better; but as I suggested before and will again, the effect of this "talk" would most likely make this situation much worse for this child. Do you need me to spell out what some of these repercussions could be?

And by the way, you were hurt and angry--dare I say outraged-for me to call you out on what I believe to be a self-righteous response to this issue. See how you yelled back and looked to your friends to back you up and tell you, it's ok, you're right--she's wrong, a troll! I am not a troll. (It's so amusing how everyone on this listserv rushes to label people "trolls".) Yes, the mother's response would be exactly the same, except fueled by divorce, depression, anger and alcohol.








You are making quite a lot of jumps here. I didn't get that ZM was judging the other's parenting skills or suggesting the mom tell her off or tell her she is a bad parent. The fact is, the child is interrupting the neighbor's life and the neighbor (OP) was asking for advice. Some people have suggested she talk to the mother, firmly. I don't where you got this leap and I certainly did think zumba was outraged! And she didn't call you a troll, other posters did.

And the whole divorce, depression, anger, and alcohol...how do you know all this? Seems a big jump.
[Post New]05/30/2009 10:01
zumbamama
Site Admin Offline
Anonymous wrote:
zumbamama wrote:And I commended OP for being there for the girl, because I have been in the same situation. I wasn't judging her or saying I was better than her. That is never my intent.



No you're not judging the OP. You are judging the other mother's parenting skills and suggesting that OP tell this woman all the things she's doing wrong as a parent. Do you actually think someone who obviously has issues wants to hear how her neighbor thinks she is a bad parent and how to improve? This approach would perhaps make OP feel better; but as I suggested before and will again, the effect of this "talk" would most likely make this situation much worse for this child. Do you need me to spell out what some of these repercussions could be?

And by the way, you were hurt and angry--dare I say outraged-for me to call you out on what I believe to be a self-righteous response to this issue. See how you yelled back and looked to your friends to back you up and tell you, it's ok, you're right--she's wrong, a troll! I am not a troll. (It's so amusing how everyone on this listserv rushes to label people "trolls".) Yes, the mother's response would be exactly the same, except fueled by divorce, depression, anger and alcohol.



I am not judging anyone. I never said anything about yelling or being mean to the other parent. There is always a nice way to communicate, without being bitter and insulting. If someone left their child at your house and never bothered to communicate with you, what would you do? Say nothing? So what if I asked the mother of the girl who was staying at my house if she knew where her daughter was that night? That isn't an unreasonable question.

I don't see anywhere in my post where I am YELLING LIKE THIS, in fact I believe I used the word clarify (which you perceive as outrage?). That is your own misinterpretation of what I wrote. I don't come here to insult or judge anyone, not even you.

PS. I never called you a troll. I have no desire to insult you. Can we disagree without being insulting to each other? Do you have anything constructive to say to the OP? If so, enlighten us.



[Post New]05/30/2009 10:56
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:While I understand everyone else's response, I have a bit of a different view on this situation.

So, this young girl is adopting your family as her own and she's adopting you as her mother. She lives with you and confides in you. She's doing this to SURVIVE, because otherwise she will be alone and have only a "mean" brother. (BTW, who knows what "mean" means to a 11 y.o. physically, sexually, verbally abusive?)

I would suggest that you allow her to continue to stay but make her play by the rules of your family-she has to make her bed, do basic chores along w/ your daughter, and play by the rules of including the younger child.

Yes, it will be difficult but you will be, in a way, saving this child.

When I was growing up we had a similarly dysfunctional situation: I was the oldest and ended up wandering around our town, my middle sister "adopted" a family in the neighborhood, and the youngest became a drug addict at 13.



I think I would add to this as well. Since you did mention that you didn't want the friendship to end between your daughter and this girl this is an option for you. I find it liberating to be a mother this way, because you can set the rules and be confident about it. No lengthy discussions, but just simple...it is going to be this way. If she does not comply then something like, "well you've made your decision then that you can not play here. IF you could follow our rules we'd be happy to have your hear, but since you have chosen not to it's time to go home now." She needs to see that she is making the choice, not that it is you being mean or something.

I am so sorry for you though and hope that you can find more peace in this situation. Nothing aggravates me more than inconsiderate parents/ people. Also, if there ever should be any blow up, you can remain calm knowing that you have been more than considerate and generous. Good luck!
[Post New]05/30/2009 10:58
Anonymous
zumbamama wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
zumbamama wrote:And I commended OP for being there for the girl, because I have been in the same situation. I wasn't judging her or saying I was better than her. That is never my intent.



No you're not judging the OP. You are judging the other mother's parenting skills and suggesting that OP tell this woman all the things she's doing wrong as a parent. Do you actually think someone who obviously has issues wants to hear how her neighbor thinks she is a bad parent and how to improve? This approach would perhaps make OP feel better; but as I suggested before and will again, the effect of this "talk" would most likely make this situation much worse for this child. Do you need me to spell out what some of these repercussions could be?

And by the way, you were hurt and angry--dare I say outraged-for me to call you out on what I believe to be a self-righteous response to this issue. See how you yelled back and looked to your friends to back you up and tell you, it's ok, you're right--she's wrong, a troll! I am not a troll. (It's so amusing how everyone on this listserv rushes to label people "trolls".) Yes, the mother's response would be exactly the same, except fueled by divorce, depression, anger and alcohol.



I am not judging anyone. I never said anything about yelling or being mean to the other parent. There is always a nice way to communicate, without being bitter and insulting. If someone left their child at your house and never bothered to communicate with you, what would you do? Say nothing? So what if I asked the mother of the girl who was staying at my house if she knew where her daughter was that night? That isn't an unreasonable question.

I don't see anywhere in my post where I am YELLING LIKE THIS, in fact I believe I used the word clarify (which you perceive as outrage?). That is your own misinterpretation of what I wrote. I don't come here to insult or judge anyone, not even you.

PS. I never called you a troll. I have no desire to insult you. Can we disagree without being insulting to each other?





You wrote "If I were you, I'd lay down the ground rules firmly. It is nice that you are there for her, but it is your house." I agree and have said so in previous posts on this discussion
"I wouldn't hold back my thoughts from the mother either. Speak your mind! Maybe they could use the wake up call." Yes, I read this as judging the parent.I strongly disagree and do not believe that giving this mother a lecture on her parenting skills will improve the situation.

The OP is moving in six months. Yes, I think she should allow this child to continue to stay with their family for one night and day every other weekend until November otherwise she's w/o her divorced, absent and partying mother and will be alone with a "mean" brother.

As for "Do you have anything constructive to say to the OP? If so, enlighten us." O.K. this is rude and insulting. You do not run this board just because you choose to post under a pseudonym rather than posting anonymously. I have made a few valid and constructive posts on this thread. I do not need to enlighten you or anyone else as to what they are.
















[Post New]05/30/2009 11:27
zumbamama
Site Admin Offline
Ok, I like your idea of letting the child stay. I never said it had to come to a stop. And I can see how the "speak your mind" bit might have come across as a bit brash...but it's my way of saying talk it out. Perhaps you are right, PP, maybe a talk won't do any good. And I think it is compassionate of you to want the child to stay in the house. Asking you to enlighten us was not meant to be an insult. I was just curious what your advice was. If I have insulted you, that is certainly not my intention no matter how much of a big mean monster you think I am. ~ZM

I know I don't run this board. Jeff does.

ok. going to enjoy the sun while its out. peace.

[Post New]05/30/2009 12:18
Anonymous
20:27/10:58 -- I am with you. One thing I have noticed about responses on this board is that most posters have no experience with seriously 'f'ed situations, so they interpret everything as if the transgressor being discussed is perfectly normal and healthy but acting in a selfish way. They don't get it that some people are addicts, or have PTSD, or are flat broke, or were abused/are abusing, or whatever. It's out of their realm of consciousness. That's why they can say a ten year old girl is using a neighbor when she wants to spend more time in said neighbor's more stable home than the one she has. They DO.NOT.GET it.
Forum Index » Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
Go to: 

Search   Recent Topics   Hottest Topics