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Neighbours child lives with us, mom ignores me
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Anonymous
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We are immigrants, so I am not sure if I am totally misunderstanding how things work in this culture.
The problem is that the neighbours child has become a pain. She practically has 3 homes. Lives with her dad, mom, and us. So every weekend that she is with her mom she lives at my house. I have put with this because she is a pleasant child and I do not want my kid to be without a friend. But now she has gotten too comfortable. She complains about how things work in my house. When my dd acts up, she takes part and pulls faces at me. Complains that I do not cook macaroni like her mother. Sleeps over on a Friday, stays all day on Saturday, gets fed up with dd's younger sister and is mean to her. Questions the rules I make about using the internet. Refuses to go home. Most of the time I like to do things with my kids on the weekend, so will sit around the house until we go somewhere. Never pays her way when we go to outdoor swimming pools etc. Sleeps over on a Saturday night as well. When she finally does leave, walks out the door without saying goodbye to me. Takes everything for granted. This has been going on for a long time. I am from another culture so I would expect the mother to be interested in what goes on in our house and to at least talk to me, but she does not. I have tried to make contact with her. But she is always too busy, phones from a party or some restaurant and is just out of reach. The weekends that her kid spends with her dad, I also do not hear from her. I assume then she would have more time. I don't know if this is a cultural thing. I feel a bit offended by her silence and need to just stay away and avoid us. I don't know if it is a cultural thing. I noticed most people are fairly reserved and will not engage in anything else but a light conversation. But besides being in a situation where her kid has become a pain, do I take this personally or is it just the American way? |
Anonymous
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This is not an American thing she's doing. Either she has extremely poor manners, or she is just a bad parent. Probably both. I cannot see how this girl sleeps over at your house and the mother does not even talk to you about it.
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Anonymous
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This is just plain rudeness. I highly suggest that you stop the sleepovers. This child will most likely be a negative influence on your children.
Truly, I short of a polite hello here and there, I would end all contact with this family. |
Anonymous
| I agree, this is not a cultural thing, it's a product of bad parenting. I think you should take up some of your concerns with the mom and let her deal with it. Tell her that her daughter is welcome at your house but you would appreciate it if she would discuss with her child how she treats your children and you. |
Anonymous
| How old is this child? She seems to be very comfortable in your house and seems to see you as a parent figure. She's looking to you to set limits. It's very sad that her mother seems so disinterested in her. You are probably a surrogate family for her. It's up to you whether you want to play that role, or not. |
Anonymous
I agree. While it's OUTRAGEOUS that your neighbor sends over her daughter for entire weekends while she goes out and does her own thing and it completely unavailable to you (and her daughter!), I also really feel for this child--she is completely neglected. I'm sure she comes to your house because her mother has no interest in caring for her, and I have to give her credit for finding a safe and healthy home to spend her time. If she's acting out I imagine it means that she feels comfortable and safe enough in your house to do so. You are being incredibly generous in welcoming her into your home. But as PP mentioned, it's up to you whether you want to play that role in her life. While she's in your house, I think it's fair that she has to follow the same rules that your children do. I think you need to force a dialogue with this child's mother, and let her know you're not comfortable caring for her daughter in your home without regular, frequent contact with mom. BTW, how old is this girl? |
Anonymous
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She is taking advanatage of you because she knows you are not American.
The next time the child comes over simply send her home. If you need to walk her over to her house, knock on the door, and tell the mom you have plans are not available to watch her child. Just walk away no matter what the mom says and go home. Your child will meet other playmates whose parents won't take advantage of you. BTW if the mom continues, simply let her know that you she is neglecting her daughter and if it continues you will have to call CPS. I can guarantee the mom won't be sending her kid over anymore. |
Anonymous
| I think it is more of a cultural thing for you to be soooo kind and giving and putting up with this crap from this kid. I am from a culture that relishes on hospitality and would never kick someone out but I have been in America too long now to put up with that shit. I would sit down with the mom and tell her she needs to start being a parent to her child or you will charge her child support - what a horrible mother. What she is doing is NOT an American thing but more a loser of a mother thing and her daughter is surely following her ill path. Next time this girl complains about your rules - tell her she can go home then, then should shut her up. If this girl is above 4 years old, I would have no qualms of telling her she needs to learn some respect - since she is "living" in your house then you should perhaps discipline her too since her mother is too busy living it up at bars? |
Anonymous
| OP, CPS is Child Protective Services. |
Anonymous
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The kid is 10 years old. My dd is 11, and my younger one is 4. I cannot expect them to constantly be thrilled at the idea of a 4 year old in their company, but this is also the home of the 4 year old and she will not go away.
This child is mostly nice, but has on one occasion admitted that she does not talk to her mother the way she talks to me. They cannot sit around her house because the house is small, she does not have a big room, she has a big brother that is mean, and by the sounds of it it is a little bit overcrowded. I am spend most of the day keeping the peace as they get tired of the little one, but this is her home. They demand to play on the computer because at home she does not have the internet. I take my kids on outings during the weekends and make sure we have a good time. Her mother does not do that because her weekends are taken by her sons sport activities and that might be why she prefers to come to us. And I am beginning to suspect whether her mean brother is as mean as she claims I do not want to end the friendship. I suppose the mother feels she enough from her daughter to know what goes on in our house. Still, I feel kind of offended that I have never really been able to talk to her, or that she does not seem to want contact. -- op |
Anonymous
| I agree with other posters. This is not a cultural issue; it's a poor parent/neglected child issue. You need to decide for yourself how much you are willing to have this child in your home and then let both the mother and child know the new rule, something like "We enjoy having your daughter visit, but weekends are a busy time for us. She is welcome to stay over one night but will have to leave after breakfast. While she is there, she will need to follow our rules." Then enforce what you have said, because it doesn't sound like the mother will. |
Anonymous
Yes, this is good advice...you need to make the decision about how much time this child spends at your house, not her mother. Set the boundaries. |
Anonymous
I agree--the choice is yours as to whether you want to take on a role in her life. If you don't, that's fine. But if you decide to be involved, I think you need to enforce your own family rules, as if she were your niece, or step-daughter. Say things like, "We're happy to have you here, but if you are, then you have to follow our house rules." And then make clear: 1) No complaining about the food. 2) Be kind to younger sibling. 3) Adults are in charge of computer time." It sounds like your family is serving as important role models to this child, whose own family is not serving her well. How kind of you to be involved! |
Anonymous
| btw, are you feeding this child 3 meals per day? Does this mother send over any food or snacks with her child? |
Anonymous
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While I understand everyone else's response, I have a bit of a different view on this situation.
So, this young girl is adopting your family as her own and she's adopting you as her mother. She lives with you and confides in you. She's doing this to SURVIVE, because otherwise she will be alone and have only a "mean" brother. (BTW, who knows what "mean" means to a 11 y.o. physically, sexually, verbally abusive?) I would suggest that you allow her to continue to stay but make her play by the rules of your family-she has to make her bed, do basic chores along w/ your daughter, and play by the rules of including the younger child. Yes, it will be difficult but you will be, in a way, saving this child. When I was growing up we had a similarly dysfunctional situation: I was the oldest and ended up wandering around our town, my middle sister "adopted" a family in the neighborhood, and the youngest became a drug addict at 13. |