Neighbours child lives with us, mom ignores me

[Anonymous]

Wow. I don't think the OP wants to "adopt" the neighbor's child. Yes, the PPs are being compassionate. But this is real life. The OP cannot be expected to take care of someone's kid.

And just so you know, before I was born, and before my parents had married, my mom did adopt a teenager who's mom had passed away. The teen did not appreciate it, and she just took my mom for granted. The teen left and married at a young age, never thanked her, and never contacted my mom again.

So, ask you can see, I'm against "adopting" the neighbor's kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are immigrants, so I am not sure if I am totally misunderstanding how things work in this culture.
The problem is that the neighbours child has become a pain. She practically has 3 homes. Lives with her dad, mom, and us. So every weekend that she is with her mom she lives at my house. I have put with this because she is a pleasant child and I do not want my kid to be without a friend.
But now she has gotten too comfortable. She complains about how things work in my house. When my dd acts up, she takes part and pulls faces at me. Complains that I do not cook macaroni like her mother. Sleeps over on a Friday, stays all day on Saturday, gets fed up with dd's younger sister and is mean to her. Questions the rules I make about using the internet. Refuses to go home. Most of the time I like to do things with my kids on the weekend, so will sit around the house until we go somewhere. Never pays her way when we go to outdoor swimming pools etc. Sleeps over on a Saturday night as well. When she finally does leave, walks out the door without saying goodbye to me. Takes everything for granted.

This has been going on for a long time. I am from another culture so I would expect the mother to be interested in what goes on in our house and to at least talk to me, but she does not. I have tried to make contact with her. But she is always too busy, phones from a party or some restaurant and is just out of reach. The weekends that her kid spends with her dad, I also do not hear from her. I assume then she would have more time.

I don't know if this is a cultural thing. I feel a bit offended by her silence and need to just stay away and avoid us. I don't know if it is a cultural thing. I noticed most people are fairly reserved and will not engage in anything else but a light conversation. But besides being in a situation where her kid has become a pain, do I take this personally or is it just the American way?

Not to be harsh, but the larger issue here (other than the disobedient child or the rude/uncaring mother) is that you are, or have become, a doormat. She refused to leave? Refused? What did you do then? You should have marched her behind to her mother's house, told her that she is misbehaving and being disrespectful, and that her unscheduled visits are done - when you want her to come over again, you'll call and ask her. Yes, both child and mother are behaving badly. But you have complete control over this situation. Do something about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, this young girl is adopting your family as her own and she's adopting you as her mother. She lives with you and confides in you. She's doing this to SURVIVE, because otherwise she will be alone and have only a "mean" brother. (BTW, who knows what "mean" means to a 11 y.o. physically, sexually, verbally abusive?)

If this child is actually the victim of abuse, then CPS should be involved. From what you have said, it sounds like her situation is more neglected than abused, and she is effectively manipulating you. She cannot go home because her house is too small? Please, this is a ridiculous guilt trip, and she will keep it up as long as it is working. Do not let this child learn from you that she can get what she wants through manipulation.

If you do decide that you want this child in your life, you will do her and yourself a big favor by setting clear boundaries so that you and your family can have a respectful relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While it might not be her responsibility, I don't think that it hurts to bring this up. It's never our responsibility to care for anybody outside of our own selves and families, but sometimes, it's a gift that is never forgotten by the receiver.

Thank you, PP, for saying this. It's what I wanted to say, too. OP, you have been given an opportunity to make a difference in another person's life. She won't be a child forever but she will NEVER forget you and your family. I have 'family traditions' with my kids that I adopted from our neighbors, who were very kind to me. (Yes, Americans do do things like this, too.)

You should set up boundaries for her in your house. She will appreciate being treated as one of the family and having to follow the house rules.

[Anonymous]

I adopted a family when I was a preteen. I just went over to their house every day and stayed for dinner most nights, unasked. I spend the night there whenever I was allowed to do so. They were a very happy, healthy functional family, and I did not have that at home.

These people did not adopt me, but they did see a child who needed to be in a different environment, and they took me in. I cannot ever repay their generosity to me. I was not grateful to them at the time, did not thank them, wasn't even particularly nice. They were kind to me because they saw I needed someone to be kind to me, and they understood that I was not able to show my gratitude.

OP, you may be performing this role for this child, or you may be a doormat being manipulated by daughter and parent. Only you know which you are. If you are becoming a surrogate parent to this child, that is a wonderful thing. But you do have to enforce your own rules in your own home. A visiting child who refuses to follow your rules must be shown the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I adopted a family when I was a preteen. I just went over to their house every day and stayed for dinner most nights, unasked. I spend the night there whenever I was allowed to do so. They were a very happy, healthy functional family, and I did not have that at home.

These people did not adopt me, but they did see a child who needed to be in a different environment, and they took me in. I cannot ever repay their generosity to me. I was not grateful to them at the time, did not thank them, wasn't even particularly nice. They were kind to me because they saw I needed someone to be kind to me, and they understood that I was not able to show my gratitude.

OP, you may be performing this role for this child, or you may be a doormat being manipulated by daughter and parent. Only you know which you are. If you are becoming a surrogate parent to this child, that is a wonderful thing. But you do have to enforce your own rules in your own home. A visiting child who refuses to follow your rules must be shown the door.

Well said. I'm sorry this seems to have been such a common situation. I had a horrible home situation and am incredibly grateful to the parents who allowed me into their homes. I like to think I was grateful, well behaved and that no one knew that I would look for any excuse not to go home. At the time, I thought I did a good job at hiding why I didn't want to go home but now that I'm more experienced, I know everyone knew what was going on at my house. Only, back then, it was acceptable to overlook it. I agree with the other posters that you absolutely have to set limits and require compliance with your rules. But, I also think CPS needs to be notified. The situation you describe is extremely troubling. It can be done anonymously. Who knows what's going on in her home and if her father knows what's happening or if she might be better off with her dad. Good luck and thank you very much for what you've been able to do so far. It won't be forgotten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I adopted a family when I was a preteen. I just went over to their house every day and stayed for dinner most nights, unasked. I spend the night there whenever I was allowed to do so. They were a very happy, healthy functional family, and I did not have that at home.

These people did not adopt me, but they did see a child who needed to be in a different environment, and they took me in. I cannot ever repay their generosity to me. I was not grateful to them at the time, did not thank them, wasn't even particularly nice. They were kind to me because they saw I needed someone to be kind to me, and they understood that I was not able to show my gratitude.

OP, you may be performing this role for this child, or you may be a doormat being manipulated by daughter and parent. Only you know which you are. If you are becoming a surrogate parent to this child, that is a wonderful thing. But you do have to enforce your own rules in your own home. A visiting child who refuses to follow your rules must be shown the door.

Would you be able/willing to contact that family now? Just write them a letter? I bet it would mean the world to them to know how their kindness affected you.

[Anonymous]

why does she spend every w/eat your house? Just send her back home with her mom. Your child prob has friends at school, she doens't need a live-in friend.

[Anonymous]

12:38 - Agreed. She is using you. Common in this area, FYI.

[Anonymous]

No child behaves like this unless there are problems at home. Throwing out statements like "she is using you" are not helpful. She probably is using OP, using her for a parental figure because there are serious problems in her home that are not her fault. Children are not supposed to have to fend for themselves this young and OP is doing a good thing helping this child out. That said, I think it is good (both for your family and the child) to set boundaries and enforce rules in your home. Good luck. Also,if you see any signs of abuse you should call CPS.

[Anonymous]

I certainly cannot go on like this for another 10 years. We are going to move in about 6 months time.
Sorry, but one pre-teen is enough for me.
I suppose I will just have to tell her that if she wants to come for a sleep over she can only if she goes home the next day, because I feel used and am tired and want to spend a weekend with my family.
Her mother does not teach her manners and I have had enough.

If that means she must spend the day at the house with her step-aunt who wants to something else, then that is not my problem.
-- op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I certainly cannot go on like this for another 10 years. We are going to move in about 6 months time.
Sorry, but one pre-teen is enough for me.
I suppose I will just have to tell her that if she wants to come for a sleep over she can only if she goes home the next day, because I feel used and am tired and want to spend a weekend with my family.
Her mother does not teach her manners and I have had enough.

If that means she must spend the day at the house with her step-aunt who wants to something else, then that is not my problem.
-- op

I misunderstood your post.I thought you were looking for feedback on how to help this child but obviously you already have a solution because you're moving in six months. What you are really venting about is what you view as "American" values/culture in child-rearing and wanting acknowledgement for caring for the girl.

I disagree that this is an "American" issue--there are dysfunctional families all around the world and what you are experiencing is not unique. You're very kind to allow the girl to spend the night; simply set rules and boundaries. I doubt you will get positive feedback from the mother b/c by what you describe she has little time for her daughter now, few resources and is rather absorbed in finding a new partner for herself.

Perhaps you can get some self-acknowledgement by recognizing that you have created a fine, comfortable home where you and your family are happy. Your doing a great job and it's admirable that you obviously worry and care for this child. There are many kids out there who don't have the benefit of a safe and nurturing environment that you are providing. So give your kids an extra kiss at bedtime.

Please do not say anything to the child about your perceptions about her mother or her life situation because she will identify that it is her failure and that there's something wrong with her--she already has enough to deal with and she ten years old. When you move, hopefully she will find another surrogate family--she sounds like she has good instinctual survival skills that will serve her well.

[Anonymous]

I agree there is no 'culture' issue at play here.

OP, did it every occur to you that the girl's mom might have no idea that you don't enjoy having a constant playmate for your daughter? People (regardless of where they live) can be really dense.

Also, I think that whenever a child is in your house, under your supervision, then you set the rules. Put her to work and make her clean, cook, etc. - just like your child does (I hope). Schedule family 'work' time for saturday mornings and if she stays, she has to help and leave as soon as it's done. Tell her when she can come or go. If the girl doesn't like it, she won't come over as often. If the other mom has a problem with it, then she'll either confront you about it, not allow her daughter over as often, or not say anything (the most likely).

When the girl is there, I would also continually mention the importance of family and spending time at home (perhaps when getting ready to send her out the door). And if you ask her why she truly doesn't like her home, and she alludes to mean siblings, get details so you can feel comfortable there's not abuse going on.

Your daughter also needs to be told that there are boundaries on having friends in the house. She must understand and help enforce the new rules too.

I hope you're not moving just because of this situation - I would use this as a life lesson on dealing with a difficult situation. It's satisfying when you feel like you have some control rather than running from the problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, as others have said, this is not a cultural thing. It's just irresponsible parenting.

I agree with the other posters that you need to set some limits.

I will tell you I had a similar experience with a child in my neighborhood. Not to the same degree that you have experienced though. But this child was always coming over, always hungry, often rude. It was clear no one at home was teaching her good manners. At first I dreaded it every time the door bell rang. Then I decided - I think based on advice I got on this board at the time - to use it as an opportunity to do something good for a needy little girl. I didn't just let her be rude; I kindly corrected her. I explained why what she had done was not polite, and told her the polite thing (i.e, "we say 'please' when we want something in this house".)

The little girl you are dealing with probably has a terrible mother, and a terrible child hood. If you choose to continue to have her over, you could be making an enormous difference in that child's life.

When she starts to act up, send her home. Kindly, but firmly. Teach her what will and will not be accepted in your home.

On the other hand, the mother IS taking advantage of you and I wouldn't blame you a bit if you ended this situation altogether. You might also be doing the child a favor if you call CPS (child protective services). Seriously. Who knows what is going on in that house, if the mother is this irresponsible where you can SEE her behavior.

[zumbamama]

My DSD had a couple friends like that. They would come over after school, stay for dinner, and when I try to contact the parents, they are nowhere to be found. I let them stay the night because I didn't want them out on the street. The parents came the next day and didn't even say a word about the matter! I'm like, "did you even know where your daughter/son was last night?" They don't know or care! So, so sad.

If I were you, I'd lay down the ground rules firmly. It is nice that you are there for her, but it is your house. I wouldn't hold back my thoughts from the mother either. Speak your mind! Maybe they could use the wake up call.