Neighbours child lives with us, mom ignores me

[Anonymous]

I agree the mother is acting horribly, but threatening to call CPS and ban the child from coming over will certainly stick it to the mom, but of course will also hurt the child. I realize it's not the OP's responsibility to take care of this child, but it does make me so sad that this child is obviously seeking out a parent figure in OP, and is probably testing limits, etc. because she has no boundaries from her neglectful mother.

OP, if you can, I would just try to set up boundaries - like, "we have family time from X to Y but your child is welcome to come over after..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with other posters. This is not a cultural issue; it's a poor parent/neglected child issue. You need to decide for yourself how much you are willing to have this child in your home and then let both the mother and child know the new rule, something like "We enjoy having your daughter visit, but weekends are a busy time for us. She is welcome to stay over one night but will have to leave after breakfast. While she is there, she will need to follow our rules." Then enforce what you have said, because it doesn't sound like the mother will.

Yes, this is good advice...you need to make the decision about how much time this child spends at your house, not her mother. Set the boundaries.

I agree with these other posters. You need to tell the child's mother what you want, either in person or on the phone. It's not normal to have someone else's child sleep over at your house so much. Perhaps you could say something like, "your child can come over once a week on Mondays until 4:00", or something like that. And tell her that weekends are "family time", that you want to do things with your family on the weekends and that you can't be watching her child then. And tell the mother when the child is at your house, that she has to be nice to the younger child and the child has to listen to you. But you also need to help your child find some new friends or new activities. Are there after school activities that your child can do in order to make new friends? Ask your child who she would like to invite from school for a playdate, then call that friend's mother to make the arrangements.

I'm sorry for your situation. Most Americans (I am American) want to know their child's parents and talk to them at least a little, like "How are you?", etc, in order to know who their child spends time with. Your neighbor is NOT a typical American.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I understand everyone else's response, I have a bit of a different view on this situation.

So, this young girl is adopting your family as her own and she's adopting you as her mother. She lives with you and confides in you. She's doing this to SURVIVE, because otherwise she will be alone and have only a "mean" brother. (BTW, who knows what "mean" means to a 11 y.o. physically, sexually, verbally abusive?)

I would suggest that you allow her to continue to stay but make her play by the rules of your family-she has to make her bed, do basic chores along w/ your daughter, and play by the rules of including the younger child.

Yes, it will be difficult but you will be, in a way, saving this child.

When I was growing up we had a similarly dysfunctional situation: I was the oldest and ended up wandering around our town, my middle sister "adopted" a family in the neighborhood, and the youngest became a drug addict at 13.

Very good points!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I understand everyone else's response, I have a bit of a different view on this situation.

So, this young girl is adopting your family as her own and she's adopting you as her mother. She lives with you and confides in you. She's doing this to SURVIVE, because otherwise she will be alone and have only a "mean" brother. (BTW, who knows what "mean" means to a 11 y.o. physically, sexually, verbally abusive?)

I would suggest that you allow her to continue to stay but make her play by the rules of your family-she has to make her bed, do basic chores along w/ your daughter, and play by the rules of including the younger child.

Yes, it will be difficult but you will be, in a way, saving this child.

When I was growing up we had a similarly dysfunctional situation: I was the oldest and ended up wandering around our town, my middle sister "adopted" a family in the neighborhood, and the youngest became a drug addict at 13.

Very good points!!!

It is not the OP's responsibility to take care of the neighbor's child. The OP needs to do what is best for her family and her children.

[Anonymous]

While it might not be her responsibility, I don't think that it hurts to bring this up. It's never our responsibility to care for anybody outside of our own selves and families, but sometimes, it's a gift that is never forgotten by the receiver.

[Anonymous]

If you dont' want to kick the child out, make her play by your rules. I don't think there's anything wrong with that... if you need to discipline her, make her follow your household rules, do not tolerate talkback... I think that is completely reasonable.

[Anonymous]

I know two (now adult) individuals who did this: found themselves a surrogate family when their own parents neglected them or failed to provide a suitable home. They were both legally adopted by the new family (one at 13 years of age, one at 15), thrived and succeeded, and are extremely close to their adoptive families.

I'm not saying this is the route the OP should take. But if you like the other child, perhaps it's not unreasonable to make some adjustments and then continue to provide a sort of safe haven for this poor girl. I would say definitely set some behavior boundaries. Maybe limit the sleepovers to one per weekend. Treat her like your own child, since you're clearly a warm and loving mother. That is, of course, only if you're up for it. It's a big thing to open yourself up to a needy child.

The only cultural issue here is how long you've put up with it. Most folks would have put a stop to it pretty quickly. You're doing a nice thing for this child, and I wish I could say that it was the American thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While it might not be her responsibility, I don't think that it hurts to bring this up. It's never our responsibility to care for anybody outside of our own selves and families, but sometimes, it's a gift that is never forgotten by the receiver.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

I would put the ball in the girls court when shes there let her know she can play by your rules or go home

your rules are X , Y , and Z... and then follow through

if she chooses to complain abotu lunch she can either not eat or go home and get something to eat... end of story

[Anonymous]

I would be quite annoyed with the Mother as well, and would say something to her.

I know quite a few people here say this is not an American thing, but I have experienced the same thing on more then one occasion. When I was younger, during that huge blizzard (1996?), my sister was having a sleep over and 4 of her friends got snowed in at my Mom's house for almost a week. Not ONE of the parents called to see if they could pick up their child before the storm, or shortly after the storm started(like before there was even snow sticking). Also, not once during that entire stay, did any of the parents call to check on their children. Out of all of the parents, only one actually said thank you for taking care of them for that whole time.

I have found that people tend to just lack manners sometimes.

My husband is from South America and it is a TOTALLY different way of being....a much better way of being in my opinion. Our priorities are just very different in this country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...When I was younger, during that huge blizzard (1996?), my sister was having a sleep over and 4 of her friends got snowed in at my Mom's house for almost a week. Not ONE of the parents called to see if they could pick up their child before the storm, or shortly after the storm started(like before there was even snow sticking). Also, not once during that entire stay, did any of the parents call to check on their children. Out of all of the parents, only one actually said thank you for taking care of them for that whole time....

i'm really shocked. wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...When I was younger, during that huge blizzard (1996?), my sister was having a sleep over and 4 of her friends got snowed in at my Mom's house for almost a week. Not ONE of the parents called to see if they could pick up their child before the storm, or shortly after the storm started(like before there was even snow sticking). Also, not once during that entire stay, did any of the parents call to check on their children. Out of all of the parents, only one actually said thank you for taking care of them for that whole time....

i'm really shocked. wow.

that is really strange. where did you grow up,PP???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I understand everyone else's response, I have a bit of a different view on this situation.

So, this young girl is adopting your family as her own and she's adopting you as her mother. She lives with you and confides in you. She's doing this to SURVIVE, because otherwise she will be alone and have only a "mean" brother. (BTW, who knows what "mean" means to a 11 y.o. physically, sexually, verbally abusive?)

I would suggest that you allow her to continue to stay but make her play by the rules of your family-she has to make her bed, do basic chores along w/ your daughter, and play by the rules of including the younger child.

Yes, it will be difficult but you will be, in a way, saving this child.

When I was growing up we had a similarly dysfunctional situation: I was the oldest and ended up wandering around our town, my middle sister "adopted" a family in the neighborhood, and the youngest became a drug addict at 13.

I agree with this thoughtful and compassionate poster. Ultimately you need to do what's best for your family, of course. And it sounds like you must have a conversation with your neighbor about the situation -- if only to speak your peace.

But while it would be nice (normal . . . polite . . . approprate . . . long overdue) for the mother to acknowledge the situation and thank you for all that you're doing for her daughter, my guess is that it won't happen. She sounds like a nightmare. So I think you need to accept that and focus on how you feel about her daughter in your family's life going forward.

I agree with PP that this is an amazing opportunity to play a positive and powerful role in the life of a girl who seems to be in need. You're not obligated, of course, but what a gift you'd be giving her (and what a positive example you'd be setting for your own children about kindness and compassion -- you'd never have to talk about it that way, of course -- they'd learn by example.)

On the behavior/attitude front, my guess is that the girl will shape up quickly once you start being clear about your expectations. As in "this is how we talk to each other in our house" or "these are the rules of our house" etc. She's probably never been taught much about manners or kindness or good behavior -- just look at her mother's horrible example! But children learn quickly, especially when they feel that they're loved and accepted.

Again, nobody is saying you have to do this. You truly don't. But if you can separate your feelings about the mother from your feelings about her daughter, I think things will get easier, especially once the daughter starts stretching to meet higher expectations in your home. All the best to you!

[Anonymous]

^^ Both remarkably well stated. My feelings exactly.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP

1) The mom and the situation is not only an "American" thing.
2) The mom is using you as a free babysitter and taking advantage of your goodwill. She has no intentions of becoming friends with you or getting to know you - not because of who you are but because of who she is. No need to take it personally but you need to decide if you want to accept that this mom doesn't want to be friends and is using you to babysit. It doesn't sound like this mom is someone you'd want as a friend anyway - so that leaves you with what to do about her daughter.
3) You need to decide when and how long you want this girl at your house. Then you need to enforce it. Tell your daughter you want to spend more time with her alone if that is what you want. Or whatever.
4) If the girl is in your house, then she plays by your rules. I wouldn't even ask her mother if it's okay you discipline her daughter. You say "In our house, we show respect for one another, and that means showing respect for the little sister (the 4 year old). If you don't like these rules, then you will have to leave". Your daughter might get upset etc but don't give in to that. You're teaching your daughter that you won't be a doormat and you demand to be respected. That is as important as your daughter having friends.
5) It take a village to raise a child. You decide if you want to be a part of this girl's village.