So torn about #2
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Anonymous
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My DD just turned 2.5 and I am feeling so torn about whether or not we want to have another. I always imagined having 2 (DH and I both have siblings we're close to now)... but after DD was born everything was just so much harder than we anticipated. She was colicky, reflux, didn't sleep forever. And now as a toddler she continues to be challenging with tantrums, being a picky eater, extremely clingy and more. That said - things have finally gotten so much better with her and we're really enjoying her and our little family, and I just can't imagine going back to square one with a newborn, especially if the new baby is as tough as DD.
I know we could wait... but unfortunately time isn't on my side. I will be 36 in a couple months and DH is turning 38. We worry potential health concerns the longer we wait, who knows how long we will be trying, plus we're just getting older and more tired. The other thing, which I know is selfish... is that I was the last of most of my friends to have a baby, so most have 2-3 kids already and their younger ones are DDs age. So I feel like I don't want to be the only one with an infant again when things are just starting to get fun with activities all together (we were excluded for so long when we didn't have kids). Lastly... I am terrified of sibling fighting since both DH and I are 3.5/4 years apart from our siblings, and fought like cats and dogs growing up. Neither of us were close to our siblings until we were in our 20s (now we are very close). As kids, my mom had to separate my sister and I quite often due to fighting and said it made her miserable for most of our childhood. So, this is another big consideration as I know the fighting would drive me insane. Has anyone else had a difficult first and felt this way? Did you go on to have a 2nd or call it quits at 1? I know there's no right or wrong here, but don't want to regret not having a 2nd before it's too late. |
Anonymous
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We put it on the back burner for six months. A lot can happen in six months in terms of both your child's behavior and your own perspective.
Ultimately, we decided to stay with one, and no regrets, but I'm glad we gave ourselves that reprieve from thinking about it. |
Anonymous
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Thanks, how old was your DC when you made the final decision?
I should also add that our biggest hesitation with stopping at 1 is that we have no family nearby (they are across the country), so it's really just our family of 3 - no grandparents (except for 1-2 visits per year), no cousins, etc. |
Anonymous
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dear OP i am facing the same "problem".. i am a sahm and honestly cannot even begin to imagine taking on two children (DS is 20 months now)..
i aged 10 years after having a child. could you find someone to help you during the first six months? ( i am in the same situation no family or friends here) are you sending DD to daycare? for me, the only way i would have another is if i had help for the first year. |
Anonymous
Anonymous
She was three. And we also have no family nearby, although we see grandparents more than once or twice a year. But we have really good family friends and our daughter is a social little girl, so we don't worry about her being lonely or isolated. And for us, the lack of nearby family was actually a reason not to have more kids, since we didn't have that particular kind of support network to help us care for our kids. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this decision OP.
Because of that, I think whatever you decide will leave you w/little regret. It sounds to me as if you + your husband are perfectly happy w/the status quo. Everything seems like it has fallen into place now. Would you consider adoption? Perhaps an older child vs. an infant? Just an idea....Food for thought.... |
Anonymous
Adoption is not a panacea for the problems she listed. An older adopted child will need just as much, if not MORE attention/time than an infant. |
Anonymous
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Live like you are done for the next few months. In your head, tell yourself you are done and really wrap your mind around that. If you feel more excited than sad at that prospect at the end of the few months, make the decision one you say out loud.
I tend to think that unless you are SURE you want a child/more kids, it's better to have too few than too many. So I'd stop. |
Anonymous
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I understand where you're coming from, OP. There's no right or wrong answer.
My DS was much like your DD as a baby, and it took us a long time to even consider the idea of having a second. I remember many of our friends getting pregnant again when DS was about 1.5, and we talk to each other, "Are they CRAZY?" We were just finally sleeping through the night and so happy to have reflux and allergies under control with our DS. Fast forward to about 2.5, and I was really ready to have another, even kicking myself for not trying sooner. It took us about 6 months to get pregnant, which felt like forever. Now I'm expecting #2 and genuinely excited about it. Sure, I'm irritated by the thought of going back to sleepless nights and infant crying, but I'm also excited to expand our family and have another child. I wouldn't do it unless you feel this way. You might have a few doubts, and that's normal, but you should generally want another child if you decide to try to conceive one. I know it happens by accident for many, and that's fine, but if you are considering it a decision, I would definitely wait until you feel ready and desirous. You might be surprised by how fast this changes for you! As for the situation with your friends, I wouldn't rush it just for that reason. I definitely feel that a sense of community pushed me to want to have our second because my very good friend was trying to get pregnant at that time, and suddenly, we were surrounded by a lot of families with multiple kids (whereas it had been mostly single kids before that). If you're already around that and still not feeling totally ready to take the leap for #2, give it more time. You can't wait forever, but you also don't need to rush into it. |
dancingsunflowers06
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Member Offline
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Hi there- I completely understand where you are coming from. I agree with the post that recommended just letting the idea of one child sit in your mind for a bit (I know time isn't on your side, but better to really know!) A friend of mine with 5 kiddos once told me that you would never regret having more children. It's true, it's just not an easy job. I always think about our kids being grown and having grandkids around the table. I want my children to have the support of one another growing up. It is a lot to consider, but once you feel at peace with your decision, you'll just know! I don't know if you are a praying person or not, but that's how I make these type of decisions. Kind of takes the burden off of me and lets someone else decide. Bless you girl!
mommato2lilmonkeys |
Anonymous
| 2 is good unless you are unable TTC |
Anonymous
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I fully agree with PPs that you are still young enough to wait 6 months and take time off from thinking about whether to have another child - or even live like you're not having another child.
I don't think you necessarily need to worry about the sense of community thing, though I get where you're coming from. Now that you have a child, you're in the circle of parents and can count on that community, even if you stop at one. |
Anonymous
exactly what i was going to say. and don't have a 2nd just because of the possibility that your daughter may one day like to have a sibling. i love my brothers to death but i wouldn't have wanted my parents to have them (i'm the oldest) if it wasn't something they really wanted. |
Anonymous
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I was close in age to my siblings and we fought like cats and dogs too. I don't think you can predict or avoid it with spacing.
I wouldn't think you would be excluded like you were pre-kids because you have kids. It will just be a matter of deciding how flexible you want to be with naps and things to accomodate the okder kids schedule. Plus, you might find that everyone loves doting on the baby because they are all out of the baby phase now. I also tend to think of it "Would I regret having an only 10, 20 years from now?" Things that may be a little hard now might be worth it in the long run. |