Deciding to have a second child

[Anonymous]

For those of you with two (or more) children, or working on a second...did you struggle at all with deciding to have a second, or timing the second? Our DD is 2 and we are considering starting to try for a second. But reading some of the posts on here and other places about how much more work a second is is really overwhelming. Plus, despite going through toddler days, our DD is really at a fun age - it's hard to imagine giving her less attention and being able to give as much to another child. Also, I am sleep deprived now and the thought of going through the newborn days (DD was a colicky preemie who didn't sleep through the night until she was 1) again exhausts me enough to be terrifying. Bottom line - I know some of this is just jitters and we'll just have to jump in...but did any of you find a particular spacing to be really helpful in easing the transition. We had a rough transition from 0 to 1 (though we are all super happy now) and I don't know if that bodes better or worse for our ability to transition to 2. Advice?

[Anonymous]

We also had a really rough transition from 0-1. ROUGH. But I would say by 6 months it did get way better.

We always knew we wanted two and now with her at 18 months I can see how much she would benefit from a sibling. She is a crazy ball of energy.

Just got pregnant and jumped into it. If I thought too much about it, I would not want to do it. So we just rolled the dice and went with it.

I figure if I waited much longer, and she was potty trained and more independent, I would definitely not want to go through the newborn stage again so we just did it.

I have tons of anxiety now but it will all work out

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure I just decided not to have a second. Started trying when my son was 3. Diagnosed secondary infertility. 6 months of treatment; became moot b/c my uterus is so scarred it will never support a pregnancy. 15 month process to get approved for adoption. Now we've been waiting for 4-5 months. In that time my son turned 6, is diagnosed ADHD and anxiety. He is exhausting. I've come to the conclusion that I cannot and do not want to bring another child into the mix.

My advice? If you an, just get pregnant now before things with the first get harder. Three is brutal. And you never know what will happen after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We also had a really rough transition from 0-1. ROUGH. But I would say by 6 months it did get way better.

We always knew we wanted two and now with her at 18 months I can see how much she would benefit from a sibling. She is a crazy ball of energy.

Just got pregnant and jumped into it. If I thought too much about it, I would not want to do it. So we just rolled the dice and went with it.

I figure if I waited much longer, and she was potty trained and more independent, I would definitely not want to go through the newborn stage again so we just did it.

I have tons of anxiety now but it will all work out

Ditto to all of this. We also had a rough transition but it started getting better at 6 months, and now DS, almost 19 months, is a joy. Ok, a crazy energetic exhausting joy, but he is so much fun. I am 8 weeks pregnant and really hoping it sticks because a 26 month age gap is perfect in my mind -- that's exactly the gap between me and my sister and we have always been very close. (DH and his brother are 16 months apart and also very close, but that was way, way too soon for me!)

I think if you want another kid you should go for it. Personally I don't want more than a 4 year gap between my kids, because I am not really a baby person and I enjoy DS more the older he gets. I would not want to have another baby right when he is 5 or older and we can finally do interesting activities like hiking. But I have heard others say differently so it's really up to you.

There is also no shame in deciding that you don't want another child after all, even if it's what you thought you wanted all along. If your kid is particularly difficult or you just feel like you're maxed out, then so be it. DH and I have relatively flexible jobs and although it was a big adjustment, we've been able to manage with DS. I know adding a second kid to the mix will be volatile and likely will upset the balance, but I think by 1-2 years in, we'll have reestablished it and will be ok. If your jobs aren't flexible or you're barely managing now, then it would be harder to have a second.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids 2.5 years apart (yours would be a little farther, which I think would have been easier - had my older one been potty trained etc when little one came along it might have been slightly better). That said, it's awesome.

Here's my opinion - the families I know that had major issues going from 1 to 2 were the ones with an uninvolved dad. With 2, there's very little downtime. With 1, you can easily get time to yourself - with two, it's all hands on. My boys are best buds and it feels like our family is complete now - didn't feel that way with our first, although he's amazing.

[Anonymous]

We worried a lot about timing, and waiting to start trying for #2 until it was the "ideal time" at my work, due to various factors. I also was afraid of having two kids who were very young and not independent at all. I would have preferred a 3-year gap, but I was ok with a 4-year gap because it was not good for me to try earlier due to work circumstances.

I don't regret waiting, but things haven't exactly gone according to plan. We started trying 13 months ago. Two miscarriages later, here I am. I'm allowed to start TTC again in September, so now the closest in age my kids could be is 5.5 years. Far from what I had hoped for.

[Anonymous]

I had a rough time with my first. Tough baby, tough time transitioning to a new lifestyle. I have a nearly four year gap and found pretty much everything about my second child to be a complete pleasure. My first was fairly independent (huge), I had gained a lot of perspective on the early years (this too shall pass and it will get better and more fun), and I had relaxed a significant amount. I ended up really enjoying my second baby in a way that I hadn't enjoyed my first and it was honestly therapeutic in a way. As in...oh, so THIS is what it is like for other people when they're gushing over their infant and look so calm and happy. If you're not ready now, wait a bit. Siblings will be close to each other or not based on their personalities and other variables, not necessarily if they're close in age or far apart in age. You will find an anecdote to support every sibling spacing on the planet (and they've all been posted on DCUM), so do what is best for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids 2.5 years apart (yours would be a little farther, which I think would have been easier - had my older one been potty trained etc when little one came along it might have been slightly better). That said, it's awesome.

Here's my opinion - the families I know that had major issues going from 1 to 2 were the ones with an uninvolved dad. With 2, there's very little downtime. With 1, you can easily get time to yourself - with two, it's all hands on. My boys are best buds and it feels like our family is complete now - didn't feel that way with our first, although he's amazing.

I should also add, I found the newborn stage easier the second time around. Baby wasn't easier - in fact, he was harder - but I just wasn't so neurotic. It helps to have done it before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a rough time with my first. Tough baby, tough time transitioning to a new lifestyle. I have a nearly four year gap and found pretty much everything about my second child to be a complete pleasure. My first was fairly independent (huge), I had gained a lot of perspective on the early years (this too shall pass and it will get better and more fun), and I had relaxed a significant amount. I ended up really enjoying my second baby in a way that I hadn't enjoyed my first and it was honestly therapeutic in a way. As in...oh, so THIS is what it is like for other people when they're gushing over their infant and look so calm and happy. If you're not ready now, wait a bit. Siblings will be close to each other or not based on their personalities and other variables, not necessarily if they're close in age or far apart in age. You will find an anecdote to support every sibling spacing on the planet (and they've all been posted on DCUM), so do what is best for you.

New poster, but I love to hear this, thanks! I was so naive and thought I was going to get that gushing feeling of joy that just never came with my first, and to be honest it was a real let down. He is amazing now at 2, but I am still very very unsure whether to have a second. This gives me hope. I'm also thinking about an age gap similar to yours. Maybe even a bit longer.

[Anonymous]

Just before my son was 2 I felt the same way. I was really enjoying him and debated if we really wanted another child as i knew the first year would be hard. In the end we decided to have a second and yes, the first year is tough, but the first year with #2 is much easier than the first year with #1. I love having 2 kids and can't imagine having an only child. Sure it is tough at times, but the benefits totally outweigh the hard times.

[Anonymous]

I had a rough go of my first - non-sleeping, colic, acid reflux, supply issues, generally ill-content baby. The sleep deprivation stayed fresh in my mind for years since she never slept more than 2 hours at a time until past 8 months, then finally slept through the night at 11.5. I was a walking zombie that entire first year. My mental health suffered, I wasn't happy at home, my work suffered. Just all around bad.

It took me until she was just over 3 to even be able to say I might be willing to consider doing it again. We started trying again when she was 3.5. Number 2 will be born when she is just shy of 5.

While in my ideal world, it wasn't how I pictured my own family since I come from a family with a 5 year gap between children and it didn't work well for multiple reasons, the reality for my particular situation was that I knew I had to be in a place mentally where I could handle the possibility that this baby may be just like my first. And that was not until my first was much more independent since I just don't think I could deal with the sleep deprivation and two at extremely needy ages.

[Anonymous]

I too, was majorly on the fence about having #2. But I tried to think about the long-term instead of just the here and now. The early years are HARD, but they're short. I am now pregnant with #2 (DS is 2.75). I was a little hesitant at first, but now I'm really excited to be doing everything all over again, despite having a rough first 6 months with DD. She is so excited to be a big sister and we're looking forward to adding to the chaos that is having a family! Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Our first is almost 6 months and he came to us through IVF. We had a very difficult time getting pregnant and are so blessed by our little miracle. He is a great sleeper and loves to eat. We will be doing another IVF at the end of August. We wnt our DS to have a sibling and we really want another baby. No second thoughts whatsoever!

[Anonymous]

I was in this position myself and am now 12 weeks pregnant with #2. My DC1 is 3 years old.

We also had a really rough transition with DC1 -- reflux, allergies, hard time BFing, no sleep, very needy baby, etc. As others have noted, I was really worried about everything and didn't let myself relax or enjoy it. I had PPD and developed anxiety about every little thing that went wrong. I was so relieved when DC started sleeping through the night at 15 months and started communicating with me more. I wasn't ready to even CONSIDER doing the newborn stage again.

But around 2.5, I started really wanting to try for a second. Now I'm pregnant and exhausted and nauseous, and it's hard dealing with this and my 3 year old! But I'm excited about having #2 and really feel like I'm much more relaxed and prepared this time, and able to let little things go.

Although I mourn the idea of losing one-on-one time with DC1, I also can see how much a sibling would be good for him. He loves babies and treats our dog almost like a sibling (including trying to hit her and complaining about her sometimes). I see the sibling relationships that a lot of his friends have and know it will be good for him and for us.

There's no right or wrong, and there's no problem with choosing to have one instead of more (I'm an only child!). I'm not sure you will ever be "ready" to take the leap, but I can tell you that I definitely started to feel REALLY desirous to get pregnant by the time we started trying. It took 6 months, and those were LONG months because I felt so ready to have a second!

[Anonymous]

Before we even had our first, we knew we wanted at least two kids. We wanted to space them close together and for some reason decided on about two years apart in age. Thus, right around the time when DD turned one we started trying for our second. We were fortunate in that it worked fast and so DS was born two years after DD. For me, I knew that as DD became more independent and fun (also a tough a baby like many of the PPs had) it would be increasingly difficult for me to want to go back to the baby phase so having them close in age worked for us.

It has been tough, but there are a lot of things I really like about having them close together. In general though, I've found the second time around much easier even though DS was a terrible sleeper for a long time and not a great eater either. However, like others have said, I'm so much more relaxed as a parent; it helps really knowing that any tough phase will end and probably quicker than you know it. I would say that an easier transition from 1-2 would be to space them further apart so that your older one is more independent.