So torn about #2

[Anonymous]

dancingsunflowers06 wrote:Hi there- I completely understand where you are coming from. I agree with the post that recommended just letting the idea of one child sit in your mind for a bit (I know time isn't on your side, but better to really know!) A friend of mine with 5 kiddos once told me that you would never regret having more children. It's true, it's just not an easy job. I always think about our kids being grown and having grandkids around the table. I want my children to have the support of one another growing up. It is a lot to consider, but once you feel at peace with your decision, you'll just know! I don't know if you are a praying person or not, but that's how I make these type of decisions. Kind of takes the burden off of me and lets someone else decide. Bless you girl!

mommato2lilmonkeys

While this may be true for some people, I really don't think it's fair to say it's universal. Few are going to admit to regretting their child, and will totally acknowledge the joy that child may have brought along with the challenges, but it doesn't mean that that same person wouldn't have been happier in the long run if they hadn't had to deal with the financial/emotional/physical toll that expanding their family took.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful answers. Think waiting is best as this point for at least a little while longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD just turned 2.5 and I am feeling so torn about whether or not we want to have another. I always imagined having 2 (DH and I both have siblings we're close to now)... but after DD was born everything was just so much harder than we anticipated. She was colicky, reflux, didn't sleep forever. And now as a toddler she continues to be challenging with tantrums, being a picky eater, extremely clingy and more. That said - things have finally gotten so much better with her and we're really enjoying her and our little family, and I just can't imagine going back to square one with a newborn, especially if the new baby is as tough as DD.

I know we could wait... but unfortunately time isn't on my side. I will be 36 in a couple months and DH is turning 38. We worry potential health concerns the longer we wait, who knows how long we will be trying, plus we're just getting older and more tired. The other thing, which I know is selfish... is that I was the last of most of my friends to have a baby, so most have 2-3 kids already and their younger ones are DDs age. So I feel like I don't want to be the only one with an infant again when things are just starting to get fun with activities all together (we were excluded for so long when we didn't have kids).

Lastly... I am terrified of sibling fighting since both DH and I are 3.5/4 years apart from our siblings, and fought like cats and dogs growing up. Neither of us were close to our siblings until we were in our 20s (now we are very close). As kids, my mom had to separate my sister and I quite often due to fighting and said it made her miserable for most of our childhood. So, this is another big consideration as I know the fighting would drive me insane.

Has anyone else had a difficult first and felt this way? Did you go on to have a 2nd or call it quits at 1? I know there's no right or wrong here, but don't want to regret not having a 2nd before it's too late.

This is the only part of your post that I would offer a counterpoint. I was the person in my crowd that had the last baby and you know what? The group embraced her and the big kids in the group totally looked out for her. (Seriously...so many free mother's helpers at group outings.) And if she couldn't do stuff (mostly because of naps or bedtime) one of us split off with her and took her home. And generally, the amount of time when they really can't participate or join in on any level is pretty short in the grand scheme of things. 6 months to about 15 months was the most challenging when she napped twice a day and really napped best at home. Once she hit about 3 and she was ok missing the occasional afternoon nap, it was kind of all fine again.

All your doubts are totally fair and of course you don't do it if you're not sure. 36 isn't that old. You can put off the decision for a bit.

[Anonymous]

I posted something like this several years ago and felt like I had to decide right then...now my DS is 4, and I am 39 and I'm still not sure but I'm not stressed about it. IT just hasn't felt right and we will probably only have one but I'm not closing that door until I'm 40. I kind of like the thought of having another one when DS is in Kindergarten, but if it doesn't happen or I still don't feel like I'm ready I'm equally excited to focus on my career again.

[Anonymous]

I think it also depends on you- your patience, energy level, your job or if you SAH- are you happy doing that, is your DH very hands on and does he have a 9-5 schedule, etc...

This is why I've waited- I have some chronic pain issues, a DH that travels a lot, and a boy that is good natured, but high energy and sensitive. I like giving him one on one attention right now and that pretty much takes all my energy. Ideally I would love to have two, but not at the expense of anything else that's important.

[Anonymous]

I was a bit torn about when to have number 2 (admittedly not "if"), I felt I could wait a solid 3-4 years given how demanding my job is (lots of international travel + long hours) but at the same time I had trouble conceiving number 1 (IVF) so even if I was a bit younger than you (born in 1981) I felt time wasn't on my side.

Surprise surprise .. Baby number 2 came on his own without an IVF so my kids end up being 21 months apart.. When I realized I was pregnant I panicked: I was just out of sleepless night, under 2 years diff is a "guarantee" of max fighting between kids, it was going to be a nightmare...

Fast forward a year. I am so happy.My kids are 6months and 2.5, they love each other (seriously), the 2nd one is easy to take care off because he spends so much time being entertained just looking at the first. Are we tired? Hell yeah. Do we regret it? Oh no. It really feels like the lack of sleep is a temporary tax we have to pay for a year and then things will be fine.

My conclusion: there is no perfect time, if you have a second one you will manage and find the energy, it won't be that hard. Don't give up on a 2nd child because of that, it is 1 or 2 tiresome years, nothing in the grand scheme of things. Think long term. Now, don't have a 2nd if your dream family life in 10 years, 20 years and 40 years doesn't involve 2 kids and more grandkids, in that case stick with 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand where you're coming from, OP. There's no right or wrong answer.

My DS was much like your DD as a baby, and it took us a long time to even consider the idea of having a second. I remember many of our friends getting pregnant again when DS was about 1.5, and we talk to each other, "Are they CRAZY?" We were just finally sleeping through the night and so happy to have reflux and allergies under control with our DS.

Fast forward to about 2.5, and I was really ready to have another, even kicking myself for not trying sooner. It took us about 6 months to get pregnant, which felt like forever. Now I'm expecting #2 and genuinely excited about it. Sure, I'm irritated by the thought of going back to sleepless nights and infant crying, but I'm also excited to expand our family and have another child.

I wouldn't do it unless you feel this way. You might have a few doubts, and that's normal, but you should generally want another child if you decide to try to conceive one. I know it happens by accident for many, and that's fine, but if you are considering it a decision, I would definitely wait until you feel ready and desirous. You might be surprised by how fast this changes for you!

As for the situation with your friends, I wouldn't rush it just for that reason. I definitely feel that a sense of community pushed me to want to have our second because my very good friend was trying to get pregnant at that time, and suddenly, we were surrounded by a lot of families with multiple kids (whereas it had been mostly single kids before that). If you're already around that and still not feeling totally ready to take the leap for #2, give it more time. You can't wait forever, but you also don't need to rush into it.

This is so close to our experience is well. Cousins and friends had 3 kids in the same time span that we had our two and it seemed absolutely insane to us.
DS was a difficult, high-needs baby and toddler. By the time he was 3, it was totally different - he was verbal, potty trained, sleeping at night, able to self entertain for a bit. DD was born when he was 3 years, 3 months. I'm glad we didn't wait longer. Now, DD is a year away from kindergarten - we are nearly done with daycare/preschool, the kids play together well and are generally getting to be a lot of fun.

Don't worry about your friends having kids older than yours. It's really fine, plus you'll meet new families anyway with kids closer in age to yours.

I think a lot of this depends on your situation. If you have another right now, will you have 2 kids in daycare at the same time? Is this something you can deal with financially? If you SAH can you afford preschool? It helped me so much to be able to drop DS off at preschool several mornings a week, where he got to play with kids his own age and get attention from wonderful teachers, while I could get errands done or just stay home with the newborn and catch a little nap.

That said - babies aren't babies for long. You suck it up during the hardest months, then they get older. Plan for the number of kids you want, not babies. And don't assume they will fight like cats and dogs. A lot of that is parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand where you're coming from, OP. There's no right or wrong answer.

My DS was much like your DD as a baby, and it took us a long time to even consider the idea of having a second. I remember many of our friends getting pregnant again when DS was about 1.5, and we talk to each other, "Are they CRAZY?" We were just finally sleeping through the night and so happy to have reflux and allergies under control with our DS.

Fast forward to about 2.5, and I was really ready to have another, even kicking myself for not trying sooner. It took us about 6 months to get pregnant, which felt like forever. Now I'm expecting #2 and genuinely excited about it. Sure, I'm irritated by the thought of going back to sleepless nights and infant crying, but I'm also excited to expand our family and have another child.

I wouldn't do it unless you feel this way. You might have a few doubts, and that's normal, but you should generally want another child if you decide to try to conceive one. I know it happens by accident for many, and that's fine, but if you are considering it a decision, I would definitely wait until you feel ready and desirous. You might be surprised by how fast this changes for you!

As for the situation with your friends, I wouldn't rush it just for that reason. I definitely feel that a sense of community pushed me to want to have our second because my very good friend was trying to get pregnant at that time, and suddenly, we were surrounded by a lot of families with multiple kids (whereas it had been mostly single kids before that). If you're already around that and still not feeling totally ready to take the leap for #2, give it more time. You can't wait forever, but you also don't need to rush into it.

This is so close to our experience is well. Cousins and friends had 3 kids in the same time span that we had our two and it seemed absolutely insane to us.
DS was a difficult, high-needs baby and toddler. By the time he was 3, it was totally different - he was verbal, potty trained, sleeping at night, able to self entertain for a bit. DD was born when he was 3 years, 3 months. I'm glad we didn't wait longer. Now, DD is a year away from kindergarten - we are nearly done with daycare/preschool, the kids play together well and are generally getting to be a lot of fun.

Don't worry about your friends having kids older than yours. It's really fine, plus you'll meet new families anyway with kids closer in age to yours.

I think a lot of this depends on your situation. If you have another right now, will you have 2 kids in daycare at the same time? Is this something you can deal with financially? If you SAH can you afford preschool? It helped me so much to be able to drop DS off at preschool several mornings a week, where he got to play with kids his own age and get attention from wonderful teachers, while I could get errands done or just stay home with the newborn and catch a little nap.

That said - babies aren't babies for long. You suck it up during the hardest months, then they get older. [b]Plan for the number of kids you want, not babies.[\b] And don't assume they will fight like cats and dogs. A lot of that is parenting.

I like this a lot. But, also people have to be cognizant of the toll parenting young children can have on your marriage, mental health, and more. I want two children, but I'm not sure either can handle it given our high needs baby with colic. Sure, she will grow up, and someday it will get better, but it's not an insignificant amount of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand where you're coming from, OP. There's no right or wrong answer.

My DS was much like your DD as a baby, and it took us a long time to even consider the idea of having a second. I remember many of our friends getting pregnant again when DS was about 1.5, and we talk to each other, "Are they CRAZY?" We were just finally sleeping through the night and so happy to have reflux and allergies under control with our DS.

Fast forward to about 2.5, and I was really ready to have another, even kicking myself for not trying sooner. It took us about 6 months to get pregnant, which felt like forever. Now I'm expecting #2 and genuinely excited about it. Sure, I'm irritated by the thought of going back to sleepless nights and infant crying, but I'm also excited to expand our family and have another child.

I wouldn't do it unless you feel this way. You might have a few doubts, and that's normal, but you should generally want another child if you decide to try to conceive one. I know it happens by accident for many, and that's fine, but if you are considering it a decision, I would definitely wait until you feel ready and desirous. You might be surprised by how fast this changes for you!

As for the situation with your friends, I wouldn't rush it just for that reason. I definitely feel that a sense of community pushed me to want to have our second because my very good friend was trying to get pregnant at that time, and suddenly, we were surrounded by a lot of families with multiple kids (whereas it had been mostly single kids before that). If you're already around that and still not feeling totally ready to take the leap for #2, give it more time. You can't wait forever, but you also don't need to rush into it.

This is so close to our experience is well. Cousins and friends had 3 kids in the same time span that we had our two and it seemed absolutely insane to us.
DS was a difficult, high-needs baby and toddler. By the time he was 3, it was totally different - he was verbal, potty trained, sleeping at night, able to self entertain for a bit. DD was born when he was 3 years, 3 months. I'm glad we didn't wait longer. Now, DD is a year away from kindergarten - we are nearly done with daycare/preschool, the kids play together well and are generally getting to be a lot of fun.

Don't worry about your friends having kids older than yours. It's really fine, plus you'll meet new families anyway with kids closer in age to yours.

I think a lot of this depends on your situation. If you have another right now, will you have 2 kids in daycare at the same time? Is this something you can deal with financially? If you SAH can you afford preschool? It helped me so much to be able to drop DS off at preschool several mornings a week, where he got to play with kids his own age and get attention from wonderful teachers, while I could get errands done or just stay home with the newborn and catch a little nap.

That said - babies aren't babies for long. You suck it up during the hardest months, then they get older. [b]Plan for the number of kids you want, not babies.[\b] And don't assume they will fight like cats and dogs. A lot of that is parenting.

I like this a lot. But, also people have to be cognizant of the toll parenting young children can have on your marriage, mental health, and more. I want two children, but I'm not sure either can handle it given our high needs baby with colic. Sure, she will grow up, and someday it will get better, but it's not an insignificant amount of time.

Agreed. DH and I debated #2 and ended up with twins. Sure, there's not one kid that we can imagine not being in our lives - we adore them. But the toll on our marriage and mental heath and exhaustion levels and finances has been tough. Of course, this too shall pass, but we are clinging on for dear life in the meantime. I only add this because the impact of this has been real and while it's easy to say, "no one regrets having a kid" there are times where I certainly recognize that having our two youngest has made a big impact on a lot of the things that were important to me.

[Anonymous]

I had a difficult first, and my second is more difficult. They are 3 years apart and fight (punch, hit, etc) a lot during the day. They are both under 5, but it's freaking exhausting. I think all of the time about how easy it would be just to have the older one.