How to deal with cliquey "mean moms" who are nice but won't become "friends"??
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Anonymous
| My neighborhood has many "cliquey" moms that will chat briefly and be nice but will not become "friends." It makes attending functions and child's school painful. I almost have an anxiety attack every time I have to go b/c the feeling of being left out is so painful. What shall I do? |
Anonymous
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Read "queen bee moms and king pin dads."
It is painful, but it is important not to let our pain get in the way of our kids' experiences. That's what the book is good for. |
Anonymous
| I know it's hard because these moms are in your neighborhood, but do you really want these type of people as your friends? I think this type of woman has clearly not outgrown the 15 year old teenage girl mentality. If I were in your shoes, I would be polite and say hi, but not extend anything more. You don't want to be around this negative energy and have their immaturity affect the way you live your life. It always seems that people like this are unkind to others because they are unhappy about some part of their life, and making others feel bad gives them some sense of mistaken power. You are better than this and you deserve friends who recognize that! Keep these woman at a distance and maintain your other healthier relationships. Good luck OP! |
Anonymous
I agree with this. If you need further proof that these women don't make for good friends anyway, go back and read the posts that crop up periodically by people asking for permission to dump their friends for one reason or another. Status is what matters to "cliquey" moms, not emotional bonds. |
zumbamama
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If they are mean and cliquey, why do you want to be friends with them? It may cause even more anxiety to hang out with such superficial types. I would just smile and keep focused on DC around those types.
A mom from my DCs school organized a mom's night out for all the moms in DC's class. Maybe you could organize something...and the moms who come will probably be the ones more open to building a friendship with you. There has to be at least one non-cliquey mom, I hope! |
Anonymous
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If they are willing to chat and be nice, how do you know they won't be friends? Why do you say they are cliquey and mean if, as you say, they are nice to you when they see you?
Obviously I know there's a difference between saying hello to an acquaintance and actually being friends, but there's also a difference between perfectly nice people who just happen not to be friends with you and mean moms who actively give you the cold shoulder. Maybe your anxiety comes off like you don't want to be friends? |
Anonymous
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How much have you done to initiate/pursue friendships with these women? There are people that I am nice to but I don't reach out to because, frankly, my schedule is full. But if someone showed real interest in a friendship, I would try to reciprocate up to the point where we both knew whether the friendship would work or not.
The other thing is: if your child and my child were good friends, I would definitely want to know you better. But if they don't have much of a relationship, unless we really clicked, there would be less payoff (for both of us) in pursuing a deeper friendship. In an ideal world this wouldn't be the case, but in a world crowded with work, family, current friends, volunteering, etc., I'm afraid it is (at least my) reality. I don't mean to be harsh. Perhaps you've already tried to reach out, in which case my feedback is moot. But if not, if you really think you would like these other moms, I would give them a chance. |
Anonymous
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Life's too short. Find your own friends. I avoid these moms at all costs and refuse play dates, too. Call me selfish, but it saves my sanity.
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Anonymous
I have tried, but thanks for the input. They always have a million excuses but then I find out they are all hanging out and having dinner parties with one another without us. We are "nice people" so not sure what the problem is. |
Anonymous
| At least they are one step up from the moms who don't acknowledge my existence at the park. |
Anonymous
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OP -- where do you live so I can avoid moving there? Can you at least name the county?
sounds awful. I'd just give up and find friends elsewhere. Who needs that juvenile behavior. |
Anonymous
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It sucks being a mom sometimes. I think I have that invisible scarlett letter on my forehead too. Hang in there, sometimes it's just a matter of time. It took a few years in my neighborhood before we broke thru w/our neighbors. For us it was finally when the kids starting playing together and gave the parents a reason to discover - egads - we are all nice people who have alot in common!
Humans are creatures of habit and new people are often shunned for no reason. |
Anonymous
OP, tell us more about their background and yours. Are they mostly SAHMS or WOHMS, and what about you? Are there significant economic, education, racial, religious or other differences? NOT an excuse for them! Just wondering what their problem may be. Do you think your kids are reasonably well behaved? Little Johnny isn't beating up the other kids? Little Sally doesn't swear like a sailor? Is your husband pleasant? Not too flirtatious? I have a neighbor who doesn't seem to understand why I am not more friendly. I'm a liberal dem and her husband is a racist, loud-mouthed, very opinionated, obnoxious conservative who always tries to talk politics. I avoid him at all costs, which means I haven't been very warm to her. I like her and feel bad but I cannot STAND her husband. There's another very nice couple I know whom I avoid because their son likes to beat up the girls. Not just mine, all the girls. And they don't discipline him. I haven't had the guts to confront them about it, so I avoid them. Just saying, can you give any facts about where you and they might not be gelling? |
Anonymous
| A lot of people's lives are "full" already, if you know what I mean. They have dinner with one another because they are already friends but maybe they don't have time for more people in their lives. I meet nice people with whom I might enjoy a friendship on occasion but I just don't have time to add more people to my day. It's not a rejection. Try to think of it this way. |
Anonymous
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Are they nice whenever they see you but just don't make plans other than playdates? Doesn't sound like they're being mean at all. They probably have their dinner parties, etc. . . with moms they have already known for a while. Suggest a playdate if the kids are young enough for the mom to stay, or a group activity (zoo, etc. . . ) if the kids are older. It will give you a chance to get to know the mom better, and if you hit it off, take it from there.
I felt like that for almost the first full year at all of the 3 schools my DC's have attended, but ultimately found real friends as well as the "friends" you mentioned, in every one of those places. |