Anonymous wrote:Really, for women it is often nothing to do with the physical, and everything has to do with mental, and not like you would think. OP, women need to be appreciated outside of the bedroom. The more you appreciate her for everything she does for the family, help her and show gratitude, the higher the likelihood you pass will work. Hug her, without the expectation of it leading somewhere here and there. Hold her hand. Romance her, but build into it slowly, because you need her to think this is about you appreciating her, not about getting sex. It may take some time, but appreciation everyday followed by romance works. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a marriage, you need to have intimacy outside the bedroom, "foreplay" outside the bedroom, through the week, to have good sex.

Outside of a marriage or non-longterm relationship you don't, because in that case sex can be easy and fun, with all the newness and lust hormones happening. But those fade and then you start building up tiny resentments here and there over the years, and stop complimenting each other and making each other feel desired and then sex gets tough.

I mean, uh, I'm only guessing. I'm in a perfectly healthy, happy, sex-filled marriage myself. Right? Right?

(Actually we are in the exact opposite of that and finally getting some help for it and addressing it).

Very funny! Who took the first step in initiating the "foreplay" outside the bedroom? Did it seem forced at first?
Did you get counseling? I think my wife would flip if I suggested that. I assume counseling for this doesn't work if one partner isn't willing to go to counseling?

Good luck

Anonymous wrote:Does anybody get the vibe that this is that poster who's posted here a few other times about his wife...he starts off pretty reasonable sounding but then over a few pages morphs into this paragon who is totally perfect but just married to a shrew? There's this one dude who keeps coming back...I think the last time it was about a depressed wife who didn't do anything all day. Remember?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - how often did you have sex before getting married? If you are pressuring her, she is probably withdrawing more.

Op here---quite often before we were married. Its almost comical how quickly the well dried up after we got married. I am way passed pressuring her. I have given up initiating sex, I wait until she does but that is very, very infrequent. I actually thought about denying once when she initiated but didn't want to risk it because who knew how long it be before it happened again.

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thread I was talking about: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/206484.page

Just get a divorce, dude.

Anonymous wrote:Really, for women it is often nothing to do with the physical, and everything has to do with mental, and not like you would think. OP, women need to be appreciated outside of the bedroom. The more you appreciate her for everything she does for the family, help her and show gratitude, the higher the likelihood you pass will work. Hug her, without the expectation of it leading somewhere here and there. Hold her hand. Romance her, but build into it slowly, because you need her to think this is about you appreciating her, not about getting sex. It may take some time, but appreciation everyday followed by romance works. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:OP, You need to get Sandra Pertot's When Libidos Don't Match. The problem with the advice that you have gotten is that it assumes that all people have a certain "average" sex drive and that if hubby just adds the right ingredients (foreplay, appreciation, communication) presto bingo wifey's libido will rise like fresh bread.

The horrible scary truth is that some people can be in loving relationships with attentive partners and be absolutely happy with very little or no sex at all because that is just the way they are -- not because of underlying medical problems or depression or mental issues. Your wife's abrupt switch suggests that is possibly the case with her.

But how can her passionate enjoyment of sex during your courtship be accounted for? I believe it is possible for a person to unconsciously conceal true preferences in the short-term to achieve happiness in the long-term.

Think of it this way: If you had a very good chance to win the lottery and be set for life might your joy at the prospect not cause you to act in uncharacteristically carefree ways? Normally you don't gamble but now you hit the slots. You didn't drink much before but have champagne regularly now with friends who want to congratulate you on your good fortune. Months later, after the check has been handed over, and you have begun to adust to the reality of life as a multimillionaire the gambling and drinking will decline. You will return to your normal life habits. You are happy with your fortune but not obligated to go to Bergdorf G every week because that's not who you really are or ever have been.

The low-libidoed know subconsciously how rare they are and that restricting themselves to other low-libidoed mates would severely limit their options. Additionally, choosing a low-libido partner like themselves will lower their chances of producing offspring. What non-low-libido prospective mate is going to hear "Darling, are you as excited as I am by the prospect of a lifetime of having sex once every 18 months?" and not head for the nearest exit no matter how attractive, intelligent, or successful the person in question is?

They have a powerful interest in concealing their condition that forces them to lie to themselves and others until they have secured the desired mate.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes my husband will just say can I stick it in? Or I will say time to deposit or do me. Sometimes you just have to get right to the point! If you can sleep with someone, have oral, orgasms... it should be easy to bring up sex. Also women need romance and foreplay. Sometimes this is in the form of household chores