Sex on Demand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess my question should have been------once married, should one be able to assume that having sexual relations with one's spouse, if medically able, would be a regular occurrence without a lot of guesswork?

Are you asking for it or are you just waiting for it to happen with being clear about what you want?

See 16:50.

I used to ask and be fairly forthcoming with what I had in mind, but no more.

[Anonymous]

You need to have a grown-up conversation with her about this.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need to talk to her about it. There could be a reason: she could be depressed or anxious or have hormonal imbalances. Or else there could be some shit you need to work on to put her back in that frame of mind. Ask her to be honest and if it's the latter, don't jump on her. LISTEN to what she says.

Also: are you a good lover? Do you care if she gets off? Every time? Before you, sometimes? Do you do oral? If the answer is no to any of these then I think you might have the answer to your question.

[Anonymous]

I do need to have a grown up conversation with her. Typically those don't go very well in our household. We both tend to overreact to perceived criticism.

How does one answer the sex question honestly? When we do have sex, my goal is to make it fantastic. She always has orgasms before I do, often more than one.

She used to be into oral sex, both giving and receiving, but does not care for either anymore. Giving was the first to go after we were married. She will still receive but I think she is concerned that it should be reciprocated.

We can have great sex, she'll acknowledge that it was great, she'll even say we should do it more often but then we don't.

I don't want this to be a marriage killer but it has grown into a big thing, at least to me anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - how often did you have sex before getting married? If you are pressuring her, she is probably withdrawing more.

Op here---quite often before we were married. Its almost comical how quickly the well dried up after we got married. I am way passed pressuring her. I have given up initiating sex, I wait until she does but that is very, very infrequent. I actually thought about denying once when she initiated but didn't want to risk it because who knew how long it be before it happened again.

16:34 here, our sex life was hot, hot, hot for the 9 months that we dated prior to marriage. After DC1 was born, I totally resented his lack of involvement at home, five years later after DC2 was born our marriage died. We had sex about a handful of times. So we went from hot lovers while dating to procreators when married. Counseling didn't help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess my question should have been------once married, should one be able to assume that having sexual relations with one's spouse, if medically able, would be a regular occurrence without a lot of guesswork?

Are you asking for it or are you just waiting for it to happen with being clear about what you want?

See 16:50.

I used to ask and be fairly forthcoming with what I had in mind, but no more.

Yeah, I saw it after I wrote the above. I was just asking because my dh won't actually ask. I don't always feel like having sex but if dh is interested and actually tells me, I know how to get excited. But he won't actually ask, all the while blaming me for our sex life. I make a point of initiating because I know he holds me responsible, but I know it's not often enough for him and it's a burden when one party won't say anything but does all the blaming. But that's another story. The truth is that we don't talk about this and we need to. We are both at fault.

[Anonymous]

In a marriage, you need to have intimacy outside the bedroom, "foreplay" outside the bedroom, through the week, to have good sex.

Outside of a marriage or non-longterm relationship you don't, because in that case sex can be easy and fun, with all the newness and lust hormones happening. But those fade and then you start building up tiny resentments here and there over the years, and stop complimenting each other and making each other feel desired and then sex gets tough.

I mean, uh, I'm only guessing. I'm in a perfectly healthy, happy, sex-filled marriage myself. Right? Right?

(Actually we are in the exact opposite of that and finally getting some help for it and addressing it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess my question should have been------once married, should one be able to assume that having sexual relations with one's spouse, if medically able, would be a regular occurrence without a lot of guesswork?

Are you asking for it or are you just waiting for it to happen with being clear about what you want?

See 16:50.

I used to ask and be fairly forthcoming with what I had in mind, but no more.

Yeah, I saw it after I wrote the above. I was just asking because my dh won't actually ask. I don't always feel like having sex but if dh is interested and actually tells me, I know how to get excited. But he won't actually ask, all the while blaming me for our sex life. I make a point of initiating because I know he holds me responsible, but I know it's not often enough for him and it's a burden when one party won't say anything but does all the blaming. But that's another story. The truth is that we don't talk about this and we need to. We are both at fault.

17:23

It sounds like if your dh initiates, you don't say no. Is that correct?

I know I have let this get too far. I do need to communicate more even if I think it's going to suck, no pun intended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a marriage, you need to have intimacy outside the bedroom, "foreplay" outside the bedroom, through the week, to have good sex.

Outside of a marriage or non-longterm relationship you don't, because in that case sex can be easy and fun, with all the newness and lust hormones happening. But those fade and then you start building up tiny resentments here and there over the years, and stop complimenting each other and making each other feel desired and then sex gets tough.

I mean, uh, I'm only guessing. I'm in a perfectly healthy, happy, sex-filled marriage myself. Right? Right?

(Actually we are in the exact opposite of that and finally getting some help for it and addressing it).

Very funny! Who took the first step in initiating the "foreplay" outside the bedroom? Did it seem forced at first?
Did you get counseling? I think my wife would flip if I suggested that. I assume counseling for this doesn't work if one partner isn't willing to go to counseling?

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess my question should have been------once married, should one be able to assume that having sexual relations with one's spouse, if medically able, would be a regular occurrence without a lot of guesswork?

Are you asking for it or are you just waiting for it to happen with being clear about what you want?

See 16:50.

I used to ask and be fairly forthcoming with what I had in mind, but no more.

Yeah, I saw it after I wrote the above. I was just asking because my dh won't actually ask. I don't always feel like having sex but if dh is interested and actually tells me, I know how to get excited. But he won't actually ask, all the while blaming me for our sex life. I make a point of initiating because I know he holds me responsible, but I know it's not often enough for him and it's a burden when one party won't say anything but does all the blaming. But that's another story. The truth is that we don't talk about this and we need to. We are both at fault.

17:23

It sounds like if your dh initiates, you don't say no. Is that correct?

I know I have let this get too far. I do need to communicate more even if I think it's going to suck, no pun intended.

I don't say no, if he is clear about wanting to make love - but I also know that sometimes he has acted affectionately without saying anything and I didn't respond likewise (because I was tired or annoyed that night) but if he had said something I would have responded. I'm sure that is part of what bothers him. Either way, I know I need to talk to him about this and I've got to stop avoiding it! We've both been avoiding it for years and that is not good.

[Anonymous]

17:39- are you physically attracted to your dh? I worried about that with my dw so I have made a real effort to stay in shape especially over the last couple of years.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes my husband will just say can I stick it in? Or I will say time to deposit or do me. Sometimes you just have to get right to the point! If you can sleep with someone, have oral, orgasms... it should be easy to bring up sex. Also women need romance and foreplay. Sometimes this is in the form of household chores

[FBO]

You shouldnt have to 'demand' anything with your partner.

[Anonymous]

Really, for women it is often nothing to do with the physical, and everything has to do with mental, and not like you would think. OP, women need to be appreciated outside of the bedroom. The more you appreciate her for everything she does for the family, help her and show gratitude, the higher the likelihood you pass will work. Hug her, without the expectation of it leading somewhere here and there. Hold her hand. Romance her, but build into it slowly, because you need her to think this is about you appreciating her, not about getting sex. It may take some time, but appreciation everyday followed by romance works. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both parties need to consent. If one doesn't, then there's no sex. If it's forced, then obviously that's rape, married or not.

Sometimes you can take one for the team, though, if you feel like it. IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT.

The whole taking one for the team thing turned my stomach. I had to fake feeling like it. And, alcohol and antidepressants stop working sooner than later. The marital bed can be hell on earth.

WTF? How is having sex so bad? Really, you may not be totally into when you start, but by the end it's not bad at all.